Life is so short, we don’t have time to argue, apologize, or be sad. We only have time to love. —— Mark Twain
Author | Teacher Huang Shengwei
Source | Teacher Huang Shengwei
Everyone yearns for happiness, but what is happiness and how to gain happiness? Everyone has their own different answer.
A latest survey shows: What are the most important goals in life for young people born between 1980 and 2000? More than 80% of people believe that their main life goal is to become rich; 50% feel that one of their main life goals is to become famous.
We are always told to put in the work, strive hard, accomplish more, and gain more wealth and fame . If we want to live a better life, that is what we need to strive for.
But is this really the case? Are these really the things that help people maintain a sense of well-being throughout their lives?
If we could observe the entire life, can we come up with a "law" for happiness? What would be discovered if we could follow people from adolescence to old age to observe what really helps people stay happy and healthy?
Professor Robert Waldinger, a psychiatrist and psychoanalytic therapist at Massachusetts General Hospital of Harvard Medical School in the United States, once shared a TED talk on "happiness". Their team spent 75 years tracking 724 men and found that happy lives ultimately have one common characteristic: having a good relationship.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development may be the longest current study of adult life.
html We followed 724 men over 375 years. Year after year, researchers ask people about their jobs, family lives, and health, without knowing what their lives will be like.
About 60 of the original 724 men are still alive and continue to participate in the study, and the vast majority are over 90 years old. Now researchers have begun studying more than 2,000 of their children. Professor Robert Waldinger is already the fourth leader of this research.
Beginning in 1938, the Harvard University Research Group tracked two groups of men. The first group were sophomores at Harvard University when they joined the study. They were part of what Tom Brokaw calls “the greatest generation.” These people all completed college during World War II , and most of them later worked for the war effort.
Another group tracked is boys from the poorest areas of Boston. They were selected for the study precisely because they came from the most troubled and lowest-income families in Boston in the 1930s. Most of them live in rental housing, many without even hot or cold running water. After they were enrolled in the study, all the teens were interviewed and medically examined.
Later, these two groups of teenagers grew up and entered all walks of life. Some became factory workers, lawyers, masons, doctors, and one became the president of the United States; some became alcoholics, some suffered from schizophrenia; some climbed all the way from the bottom of society to the upper class, and Some people go through this life journey in the opposite direction.
The initiators of this study could never have imagined that this research would still be continuing 75 years later. Every two years, researchers patiently and diligently call study subjects to ask if they can send them another set of questionnaires about their lives.
In order to get the clearest picture of their lives, the researchers not only sent them questionnaires, but also invited them for interviews. Researchers obtained medical records from study subjects' doctors, obtained their blood samples, and scanned their brains.Researchers would talk to their children and use cameras to record them discussing their most intimate concerns with their wives.
So what did the researchers ultimately find out? What exactly does the information researchers extract from these people’s lives teach us?
The clearest message researchers get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships make us happier and healthier; and it has nothing to do with wealth, fame or working hard.
Back to real life, if you are a young person and now start planning for the best life in the future, where will you spend your time and energy?
"Life is so short, we don't have time to argue, apologize, or be sad. We only have time to love." Do research results like this give you strategies and courage to pursue happiness?
Relationships, as viewed by psychologists, tell us three basic functions:
01 Social connection is really good for us, but loneliness is harmful.
It turns out that people who are more connected to family, friends and the people around them are happier. They are healthier and they live longer than less connected people.
And the experience of loneliness is harmful. Compared with people who are not lonely, people who are more lonely than they would like to be feel less happy, their health deteriorates faster in middle age, their brain function declines earlier, and they live longer short.
Sadly, surveys in the United States show that at any given moment, at least 1 in 5 Americans say they are lonely. " You may also feel lonely in a crowd, and you may also feel lonely in a marriage."
02 What determines a relationship is not the number of friends you have, or whether you are in a stable intimate relationship, but the quality of your intimate relationship.
It turns out that being in conflict can be really bad for our health. For example, a marriage full of conflict and no affection is very detrimental to our health, and may even be worse than divorce. And living in good, warm relationships is protective.
When the researchers combined information from all the study subjects at age 50, they found that it was not their middle-aged cholesterol levels or blood pressure levels that predicted their later lives, but their satisfaction with their intimate relationships. People who are most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 are the healthiest at age 80. Good, close relationships appear to buffer us from the bumps we encounter as we age.
The happiest partners, both men and women, reported after age 80 that they remained happy even as they experienced more physical pain. And when people in unhappy relationships experienced more physical pain, that pain was amplified by increased emotional pain.
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A good relationship not only protects our body, but also protects our brain.
Research shows that remaining securely attached to another person after age 80 is protective. People in relationships who truly feel like they can rely on the other person in times of need retain their memory clarity longer. And people who feel like they really can't rely on another person in a relationship will experience memory loss earlier.
Those good relationships do not necessarily have to be smooth all the time. Some elderly couples, 80-89 years old, they may argue all day long. But as long as they feel like they can really rely on another person in difficult times, they won't remember those fights at all. Good, intimate relationships contribute to our health and well-being.
However, in fact, people’s understanding of happiness is far from simple as the research results. In social life, more people strive for fame and wealth, sacrificing health and friendship, just like seeking fish from a tree.
Why is it so difficult to understand this?
Take great wealth as an example. We know that once our basic material needs are met, wealth cannot help much. If you go from making $75,000 to $75 million a year, we know that your health and happiness won't fundamentally change.
We always like a quick fix: something we can get our hands on that allows us to live well and stay afloat.
Relationships are complex and taking care of family and friends is hard work, but it is lifelong.
If you were 25 years old, or you were 40 years old, or you were 60 years old, what would being in a relationship look like for you? The possibilities are endless.
Even something as simple as a walk or date, a dinner party or salon, or contacting someone you haven't spoken to in years can light up a dead relationship. For a person who always takes minor quarrels to heart, these seemingly ordinary incidents of family hostility will affect the relationship.
True love requires investment and dedication, wisdom and strength, and continuous expansion of one's own boundaries in order to promote the mental maturity of oneself and others. This process of hard work is called love. Love is definitely not a feeling, it's just desire. Often what we call giving is possession, what we call dedication is just dependence, and what we call love is psychological projection, but we don’t care at all about whether we and the other person are mentally mature and progressive. There is no good listening and companionship, no understanding of the relationship between love and risk, and no understanding of the relationship between love and independence. A large number of people in life just prefer to linger without growth and wallow in pain. They do not understand or are unwilling to use self-discipline and love to forge a path of mutual growth.
- "The Road Less Traveled"
