Early in the morning, a colleague complained that his son in junior high school was too difficult to manage. He played with his classmates until after 11 o'clock in the evening, and either didn't answer the phone or hung up without saying a few words.

The reason why youth is difficult is loneliness

Early in the morning, my colleagues complained that my son in junior high school was too difficult to manage. I played with my classmates until after 11 o'clock in the evening. I either didn't answer the phone or hung up without saying a few words. Even if you communicate with your son cautiously at ordinary times, it will still arouse the child's boredom.

A colleague next to me said: During adolescence, you are rebellious. It will be fine if it passes.

This colleague sighed: The rebellious period is so long, when will he be the leader?

In the eyes of us adults, children who enter the rebellious period are self-centered, stubborn, and extreme in behavior. They do not like to listen to others and always think that they are right. The more they are beaten and scolded, the more resistant they become.

This kind of "rebellious" behavior will only make children go downhill. Too many examples will make you fearful that your children will no longer be good and will go astray.

Then, in the name of love, we desperately play the role of "worryers", control them, restrain them, and make them become what we expect in our hearts.

The tighter and tighter we hold on, the farther and farther away the children go, unable to get the understanding of their parents, and becoming more and more lonely.

01 Parents' "love" can actually destroy their children.

In 2000, there was a case of matricide by a 17-year-old high school student, which shocked the whole country:

This high school student is called Xu Li. He has been good at studying since he was a child. He was admitted to the local provincial level in high school. Key classes in key high schools. In addition to studying, he is also a main force in football and 1500-meter events. He sends flower baskets to teachers on Teachers' Day and often leads school club members to visit lonely elderly people.

Such a good student with excellent academic performance and a bright future actually committed matricide. No one can figure out why?

is as simple as his mother.

Xu Li’s mother is an introvert and a college graduate. She always feels that her skills are inferior to others in the workplace, and she attributes the reason to her low academic qualifications. But he never thought about changing himself, but projected his hope on his children.

She is obedient to her son in life, but she is harsh and demanding in study.

Ever since Xu Li was in elementary school, she has stipulated that she can only go to bed after 10 pm every day, and that each subject must score no less than 97 points.

If the score is low and the ranking is lowered, severe beatings and scoldings, belts, sticks, and slaps in the mouth are commonplace. If he didn't complete his homework well, he would be dragged to see the teacher and criticized in front of the teacher, completely ignoring his self-esteem.

Xu Li said that he was frightened when he saw his mother standing beside the bed at night, fearing that he would be beaten again.

Long-term harsh education has made Xu Li a two-sided person, completely different at school and at home.

The "sincerity" of honesty and duty is good, but when the "heart" changes, it becomes "hate".

On January 27, 2000, Xu Li had lunch and saw that the program on TV was exactly what he liked, so he wanted to watch it for a while before leaving. Seeing this, his mother said to him seriously: The big exam is coming soon, and he must be among the top 10 in the class.

As soon as Xu Li heard the ranking, he felt bored and panicked. He couldn't help but whisper to his mother: It's very difficult to take the exam, it's impossible.

Then, the mother began to talk about her difficulties, the lowest requirements, the ranking of the university, the consequences of failing the exam...

The mother continued to nag endlessly, making Xu Li, who had already picked up his schoolbag, anxious and irritated, and blood rushed to his head. , suddenly lost his mind, took the hammer on the shoe cabinet, and hit his mother's head hard until she stopped moving.

Xu Li could have had a bright future, but it was ruined by his mother's harsh education and suppression.

Perhaps there are only a few people around us who are as strict as Xu Li's mother.

But there are countless parents who have the same wishes and worries as Xu Li's mother.

I am a mother and am no exception.

In the name of "loving children", we do things that "harm children", trying to turn them into what we expect them to be.

We worry: If we don’t restrain them, they will get tired of studying, go downhill, and learn poorly. What will happen when they grow up?

Let’s look at two more examples:

The star Jam Hsiao had dyslexia when he was a child. He was very poor at studying, often skipping classes, smoking and fighting were common, and he almost became a problem boy. Later, a volunteer said, "Why not use the energy of fighting in music?" This made him no longer rebellious and had a goal in life.

The famous writer Lao She was born in a poor family. When he was young, he was addicted to tobacco, alcohol and mahjong. Once due to continuous fierce fighting, he was exhausted, fell into a coma and became seriously ill. Later, he repented, regretted his past mistakes, worked hard to read and write, and finally became a literary giant.

Rebellion is the only way to grow. Once you have experienced the pain of rebellion, you will have the courage to conquer.

Those who are successful are good examples.

Zhang Defen said: Worrying about your loved ones is actually an irresponsible and harmful behavior!

So, give up unnecessary "worries", replace them with blessings, and grow up with your children.

02 Rebellion is an accessory of children's growth.

always believes that children are only in their rebellious stage when they reach adolescence. In fact, rebellion runs through a lifetime of growth.

However, children have different ages and different reactions.

When they are young, about two or three years old, children like to say "no" and want to complete something independently without the help of their parents.

Because their "self-awareness" began to increase, they formed the trait of active exploration, and began to strive for control over themselves from their parents.

For example, there is a small ditch in front of the road. You are worried about your child's safety, so you carry him over. But the child wants to cross over by himself. Even if he is hugged, he will come back and cross over again.

When it is time to go to school, parents begin to pay attention to grades, and children who have not yet had the strength to resist can only pretend to be obedient.

Parents’ fears and anxieties about social development are not resolved through their own growth. Instead, they are passed on to their children, placing their hopes on them to satisfy their inner needs.

A primary school student suddenly jumped off the building. He left a suicide note and told his parents that he felt that no matter how hard he tried, he could not meet their expectations. He was exhausted and his parents were disappointed, so he thought of death.

Before S, he smashed his piggy bank and left the pocket money he saved to his parents. He said that after he left, his parents didn't have to work so hard. They could add some money, "Take a train, take a boat, go have fun... don't work so hard anymore."

Such a "loving" child is really Is it love?

When they force their children to study, how much of it is mixed with the fear that the children will go out and embarrass themselves, or hope that the children will bring glory to their ego, or even project their own unknown fears on the children to increase their burden?

When children enter adolescence, their self-awareness becomes stronger and they begin to break away from their psychological dependence on their parents and become independent.

If parents do not understand and continue to use their own standards to define their children, they may not even be able to accept their children's independent tendencies and cannot face their children's separation.

Then they will embark on the path of rebellion and go against their parents.

The more controlling parents are, the more rebellious their children will be. The longer the control lasts, the longer the rebellion lasts.

Xu Li’s mother-killing is a sobering example.

In fact, they are striving for their own independent space and trying to be themselves, which is the only way to grow.

Rebellion does not seem to go away even when the child becomes an adult because it is part of growing up.

In a relationship, the louder the parents’ opposition, the stronger their desire to “marry not only him, but also not her”. What's more, the two were about to break up, but upon hearing their parents' objections, they immediately got back together.

They do not want to be angry with their parents, but just want to make their own decisions.

• Rebellion as a child is the beginning of a child's active exploration of the world;
• Rebellion in adolescence is the beginning of a child's willingness to take risks to mature;
• Rebellion as an adult is the beginning of a child taking responsibility for his or her own actions.

Parents only need to create a safe environment for their children with love. As for the rest, it is the child's freedom.

03 If you do these things, the child will no longer be rebellious.

If the child is still young, fortunately, the guidance is very simple:

1. Let the child independently complete what he wants to do. For example: He is willing to throw the ball out and pick it up again. You don't need to help him pick it up, just keep an eye on his safety.

2. Give children multiple choice questions. For example: If he doesn’t want to sleep while watching TV, you can let him choose whether to “watch TV for another 5 minutes to sleep” or “1 minute.” Even if he has no concept of 1 minute or 5 minutes, giving him a choice means giving him space. The kids will be happy with it.

3. Make children feel valued. For example: When you are busy and your child wants to talk to you, please don't turn a blind eye. You can tell him: "Mom is busy with something. Give me 10 minutes and I will talk to you later."

4. Set rules firmly and kindly . For example: before lunch, your child wants to eat snacks, but if you don't allow it, he threatens to skip the meal. You can tell him that snacks should be eaten after meals. You can skip meals, but without meals you won’t have snacks, and you won’t be able to eat until dinner. If you decide not to eat, Mom also believes that you can survive until dinner time. "

5. Be friends with your children. Experts said: Authority is a kind of power. Only when parents have power can children have power. Parents should maintain their "authority" and also establish a friendship with their children, so that they can "guide" them in the future. "Children live their own lives."

If you have become a junior high school or high school student, we need to pay special attention:

1. Give your children more respect and see their feelings. For example: knock on the door when entering the child's bedroom, do not talk to the child In order to pry into the child's inner secrets, don't interfere with the things the child does accidentally, just tell the bottom line and safety. When the child is sad, angry, etc., pay attention to his feelings, but do not force the child to tell, use calmness and patience. Accompany your children.

2. Don’t accept the child’s rebellious behavior. For example, if your child wants to dye his hair, don’t say “no” to your parents. : "Okay, the dyed hair looks pretty good. The child will be confused: "Why did mom say that?" "Instead, they will take the initiative to communicate with you.

3. Guide children's values. During the period of rebellion, a child's value orientation is closely related to his idol. Parents can guide their children to get closer to positive figures through books, movies or organized activities.

4. Listen to and trust your child. No matter whether he is lying to you or not, you must pretend to believe him and let him know that you love him and are willing to believe him. The child loves his parents deeply and you trust him enough. , he will not lie to you for a long time.

04 Conclusion

Some people say: All great things are rebellious.

Rebellion is the honesty of the child's body and the courage to challenge fate.

Understand the child's heart and courage, and provide encouragement and encouragement. Help.

If your child is rebellious, please believe that it is your child's rebellion. Please don't lose confidence.

Keep moving forward and stay away from the trap of doubting.

The most important thing is:

You have. In a wonderful life, children will strive for the top!