Do you still remember this news after Shanghai resumed work some time ago?
#Shanghai Divorce registration appointments are full#
Although every marriage has the risk of divorce, it seems that staying at home for three months due to the epidemic has caused marriages to face more challenges.
Under the epidemic, many people are facing unprecedented pressure. Stress has always been the enemy of intimate relationships, especially long-term stress - research suggests that marriages that suffer from a lot of chronic stress are more likely to divorce (Bodenmann, 2000).
So, if you are considering getting married, or you are already married, how can you keep your marriage healthy and lasting despite the pressure?
Let’s take a look at today’s article.
In the face of stress, partners' best choice
may be active "dyadic coping"
Researchers believe that the way partners cope with stress will significantly affect the development of intimate relationships (Neff & Karney, 2004). Couples who want to better cope with stress can try "dyadic coping" strategies.
In the past, research on stress and coping strategies mainly focused on the individual, without considering the mutual influence of the relationship as an environment (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984); later researchers adopted a more systematic perspective and separated stressors from " The point of view of "affecting one side" to "affecting both sides" .
When both parties face the same stressful event, such as a dyadic stressor (e.g., a financial problem), the stress directly affects both parties; when the stressor may initially be related to one party (e.g., a medical problem), but then spills over into the relationship, eventually It will also affect the other party.
"At the beginning of the epidemic, my husband was laid off, and I was still studying. At first, I didn't realize that the relationship between us had changed, and it was not developing for the better. He was under great psychological pressure. I felt that I could no longer sit back and do nothing, so we discussed together to find support from my parents, face the economic crisis we were facing, increase revenue and reduce expenditure, and cheer each other up. In those days of clenching our teeth and supporting each other, we were newly married. I have a deeper understanding of marriage.”
——Miaomiao, 5 years of marriage
It can be said that stress is no longer conceptualized as an individual phenomenon between partners, but has become a binary relationship (Lyons et al., 1998).
This binary conception of stress not only emphasizes the interdependence of partners' experiences of stress, but also situates responses to external stressors within a relationship context - partners not only respond to their own stress but also to Respond to pressure from the other party.
This perspective provides a new understanding of how couples handle daily stress, as well as important stressful events.
binary coping model. Screenshot from Falconier, M. K., & Kuhn, R. (2019). Dyadic coping in couples: A conceptual integration and a review of the empirical literature. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 571. "
is when both partners cope with stress together as a dynamic community
In positive dyadic coping, both partners will form a dynamic system, maintain mutual help, communicate and coordinate each other's perception, evaluation and solution methods. In this shared stress experience, close relationships become a valuable resource that goes beyond personal coping resources (Coan & Sbarra, 2015), making relationships more resilient to stress.
Not only that, positive dyadic coping strategies can also improve relationship satisfaction and even predict future relationship trends.
Compared with individual coping, dyadic coping is a better predictor of relationship satisfaction (Papp & Witt, 2010).
A longitudinal study of Swiss couples found that if both spouses are highly involved in active dyadic coping, high relationship satisfaction can be maintained for more than 5 years; but if dyadic coping is low, relationship satisfaction will decline (Bodenmann, 2000).
Positive dyadic coping also serves as a predictor of relationship stability. 73% of couples can correctly predict whether they will separate or stay together 5 years later based on their level of positive dyadic coping (Bodenmann & Cina, 2005). Additionally, positive dyadic coping has been found to moderate the effects of stress on verbal aggression and anger (Bodenmann et al., 2010).
So, what kind of partners are more likely to adapt to dyadic coping?
Researchers have identified three key factors that contribute to dyadic coping (Kayser et al., 2007):
) Relationship awareness : Whether the impact of stress on the partner and relationship is considered, and how to sustain it under stress Relationship;
) Authenticity : Whether true feelings are disclosed rather than hiding or denying them;
) Mutuality : Empathy As a means of connection, whether both parties participate as fully as possible in a shared In experience.
"When she first became ill, I knew we would face many difficulties, but only those who have truly experienced the hardships on the road to treatment can understand. First she quit her job to recuperate, and then because she needed to better accompany her, I can't continue to work. We are very honest with each other. She knows that I have sacrificed a lot, and I also understand that she has been very strong in fighting the disease. We often huddle on the small bed in the hospital and think about the future. This may be support. It gives us the motivation to persist.”
——rochaa, married for 2 years
From the perspective of cultural background, there are four dimensions that may affect people’s adaptation to dyadic coping (Kayser et al., 2007; 2014): Family boundaries, gender roles, sense of personal control, independence.
Among them, partners with more open family boundaries are more willing to let each other participate in their lives; the greater the difference in gender roles, the higher the demand for partners when facing pressure; partners with lower mutual independence, The higher the level of interdependence, the more adaptive dyadic coping may be.
What exactly should be done with the proactive "binary response" strategy?
1) Actively engage in your partner’s stressful events
We may capture stress through our partner’s tone or body language in our daily interactions with our partner. At this time, 's active "dyadic coping" strategy is to actively participate in helping the partner cope with external stressful events. The higher the level of participation, the more supportive the partner may be.
Negative coping strategies are to belittle the other person’s pressure (such as belittling the pressure from family affairs and childcare), or even feel the other person’s pressure by downplaying the seriousness of the pressure - which is nothing at all - “Comfort” your partner. But in fact, this will only misconvey a message that "your stress is not important" and make your partner feel hostile.
When we ourselves are facing pressure, we should also try to communicate with our partners at the right time, express our emotions, and seek support and help from each other. In the face of pressure, the key to the homeostasis of an intimate relationship is for the other person to be consistent with us.
2) Use the source of stress as the sole center to formulate coping strategies
Many times, when one party feels stressed, they will intentionally or unintentionally turn the pressure on the other party and take it out on the other party.At this time, it is difficult for two people to focus on the stress source itself, which not only does not help solve the problem, but even causes more stress.
It is normal for anyone to have negative emotions when dealing with stress. In fact, emotions can be an effective clue to help us find the source of stress. When we detach our emotions and focus on the issues we need to face, we can discuss various decision possibilities with our partners in a non-judgmental way.
When facing pressure, focusing on the problem can effectively manage the negative emotions of both parties and reduce the negative behaviors of both parties. Research shows that excessive negative behaviors, such as criticism, contempt, defense, and avoidance, will weaken both parties' ability to cope with stressful events, produce more stress-related hormones, and lead to a decline in marital quality (Sanford, 2003).
3) Communicate fully and have difficult conversations with your partner
When your partner is facing pressure, communication is very important, but it is often the most difficult. This kind of conversation that cannot be carried out easily and faces difficulties in expressing it is called difficult conversation (Stone et al., 2010). What happened to
? How do you feel? What can we do about this?
In difficult conversations, the most important strategy is to listen and put yourself in the other person's shoes. Repeat the person's most emphasized words and base your response on that word to make them feel heard, using the phrase "Say more..." (Goulston, 2013).
During the conversation, partners may face some realistic and concrete facts, which may be cruel and helpless. At this time, we need to be honest with each other about our true thoughts and needs, and not to be defensive or afraid of the unpredictable direction of the relationship.
Don’t hide your true thoughts because you are trying to completely avoid conflict and hurt. Lack of communication may avoid temporary disputes, but in the long run, it will only set the stage for the breakdown of an intimate relationship.
In the short term, such communication will cause some possible friction, but in the long term, difficult conversations are very good for the relationship.
4) Use “we-talk” to understand and empathize with the other person’s psychological state under stress
The use of personal pronouns as a behavioral marker of relationship quality has been confirmed by many studies (Karan et al., 2019). When partners communicate, the use of personal pronouns reflects their position in the relationship, as individuals or as a whole.
's positive dyadic coping style points out that when discussing stressors, "I" or "you" problems can be viewed as " we " problems, improving the degree to which both partners work together. Identity congruence in the face of stressors can be helpful for communication between both parties.
The negative coping strategy is that the partners have low mutuality. uses language such as "You always..." "You only do..." or "I don't feel..." "I feel..." cannot arouse Emotional and cognitive connections can prevent relationships from functioning well.
(What if "I" in a relationship becomes "we"? Come and see whether a person can be a good partner. What needs to be examined is this ability - )
5) Finally, in addition to the partner's It is also important to support each other and improve the individual's ability to withstand stress.
Research suggests that the ability to cope with stress can be improved through relaxing recreational activities. For example, incorporate pleasant activities into your daily To Do list: hiking, swimming, amusement parks, music festivals, friend gatherings, singing...
Don't underestimate the significance of these " hedonistic " activities - they help us Combating the negative effects of stress may be the source of our life energy (Briiderl, 1994).
or above.
Today’s interaction: What do you do when your partner feels stressed? Share your thoughts and suggestions in the comments.
Friends who think it is good, please help and give it a like. Thank you for your help!
