Parents plant spiritual and emotional seeds in our hearts, and they will grow with us. In some families, parents plant love, respect, and independence, while in others, it is fear, responsibility, or guilt.
If you grew up in the second type of family, your personality will inevitably have some defects. Or don’t trust others enough and trust the world; or have a low sense of self-worth and feel that they don’t deserve good feelings; or have been in a posture of low self-esteem, like asking others for love; or taking care of themselves and taking care of others’ emotions It is difficult to balance between time, or feel that it is difficult to control one's own life, and is always controlled by others.
If you have the opportunity to be aware of your own problems and have a close connection with your family and parents, you can understand that the sources of pain in daily life are all from our childhood when our parents are on us. The concept of implantation is at work.
They make children feel that their needs are not worthy of attention, so they become inferior.
They make children feel that as a person, they are not worthy of selfless love, so the children become not self-loving enough.
If you want to free yourself from these negative self-evaluations, you must first set your mindset. Let the responsibility of parents belong to their parents, and let their responsibility belong to themselves. Although they raised you, they did not mean that they raised you. The responsibility of parents to their children is not only material satisfaction, but also spiritual companionship and guidance. If they fail to do this, then they have not fulfilled their responsibilities as parents. Learning to hate your parents is the first step to heal yourself.
01
Hate your parents for causing harm to yourself, which means confirming your feelings.
Self-confirmation is the first step to find yourself. When you pull your parents off the altar, understand that they are also ordinary people, and when you find the courage to treat them realistically, you can achieve equality of power in the "confrontation" with them.
"They are also very difficult." "My parents themselves are not good enough." "Parents had no alternative at the time. &x27;&x27;Children rely on their parents, this is a nature. No matter what parents do to their children, The child’s first reaction is always to blame himself. It must be his fault, and he must be not doing well enough. But parents always have their reasons.
If you have sad, sad, angry emotions, please Boldly confirm your feelings. Regardless of whether your parents are intentional or unintentional, whether they are "doing something" to abuse you , or letting you fend for themselves, just feel As a child, without enjoying the true love of parents, you have the right to question them.
Hate the parents, the child can release the pain accumulated in the heart. We cannot vent our anger without venting Forgive peacefully. In the face of our own experiences, we need to admit that we have never had the long-awaited fatherly and maternal love, and cannot pretend that nothing has happened.
Many people have already sealed these anger and sadness in dust. Transitioning to a normal adult, you can only choose to be numb, amnesia, or convince yourself that you have never noticed these injuries. However, these injuries are like pustules left in the body, although they are invisible, but they are festering inside. Want. Cut it off, you can only expose the wound again, clean up the wound, and wait for real healing.
Don’t let anger deepen your negative self-image. It’s very common to have guilt towards your parents because of your own anger. Yes. This is also the most common method used by manipulative parents. But please tell yourself aloud and sure: "I have the right to be angry. I have not become despicable because of anger. This is my real feeling, and there is nothing wrong with it. ”
Use anger to help yourself define boundaries. Your anger can help you recognize what you are willing to accept and unwilling to accept in the parent-child relationship. In this way, you can have a long way to goFreedom from the outdated relationship model of obedience, compromise, and fear of parental opposition. Your anger can help you refocus your attention on yourself and stop fighting in vain to change your parents.
Anger is to return the responsibility of the parents. If you do not want to solve your fear, guilt and anger towards your parents, you will easily transfer them to your spouse and children, causing a new round of tragedy. The bitter fruit produced by the parents must be returned to the parents.
02
It is not easy to learn to hate your parents. This is a change in concept. You have to learn to no longer take responsibility for your childhood misfortune. It is not your fault.
Confronting parents is not easy. This is to muster up the courage to express the feelings in your heart to your parents. This is to release your anger. However, you have to understand:
Expressing anger and confrontation with parents is not to vent or retaliate against them, nor to punish them, to restrain them, and to seek compensation from them.
The purpose of confronting your parents is to confront them, to completely overcome the fear of facing them, to tell them the truth and to position your relationship in the future. You can write a letter or have an interview with your parents to talk about your feelings.
The point is: tell your parents what they did to you, how you felt at the time, how these feelings and ideas have affected your current life, and what you want from them now.
In the face of your anger and confrontation, there may be three possible outcomes:
1. Parents show a certain degree of understanding of your pain and are willing to take responsibility for the conflicts between you.
2. Both parents did not show a change and returned to the same way.
3. Some parents will adopt a ruthless hostile attitude after confrontation.
Expressing anger to parents does not mean attacking parents. Parents may try to irritate you, but please stay calm. Respond with a calm attitude, rather than counterattack with previous stress responses.
If you are angry, apologize, explain or try to persuade them to change something for you (these are the stress responses in the past.), it is equivalent to giving the initiative to them again. If the parents react fiercely and interrupt the confrontation, this is their own problem. It's not your failure, nor your fault. The moment you have the courage to face your parents, you have achieved success. Parents can't talk peacefully, so change the time separately. Until they are willing.
After releasing your inner resentment and sadness, you will learn to use the energy that was originally spent on bad emotions to rebuild yourself. No need to pull with parents anymore. No longer have to worry about parental changes. You can obtain unprecedented dignity, and this dignity is given to yourself. You will establish a new self-image: a valuable and likable person. You will no longer call yourself a victim, and you will no longer act like a victim.
03
Like many children who suffer in their native families, you may have discovered that if you have not received the emotional nourishment of your parents so far, you may always have Not anymore.
But you still have persistent fantasies about your parents. I hope that your parents will find out how great you are one day and give you care, no matter how limited their abilities are. Faced with the inexplicable blame from your parents, although you are puzzled and heartbroken, you still decide to make up for your unwarranted mistakes as much as possible. But when you return to them, eager to regain the comfort and recognition that you lacked in childhood, you find that you are hurt again and get nothing.
You can only choose to accept. Accept that your parents don’t know what true love is or how to love you. They have no ability to love. This is an unchangeable fact.
True love will not tortureYou will not let you lose control, let alone self-loathing.
True love does not bring harm, but brings happiness.
True love will nourish you, let you have healthy emotions, and bring you warmth, joy, peace of mind and stable peace.
The little heroine Mary in "Genius Girl", she was abandoned by her father when she was born, her mother chose to commit suicide again, and her grandmother ignored her mother and daughter when her mother was pregnant. Poor Mary has been adopted by her uncle. When she showed her mathematics talent, her grandmother summoned Mary's father to fight for her custody. But in the court, her father couldn't even remember Mary's name. In the same city, I haven't found Mary for 7 years. God knows how hard Mary suffered when she knew the truth. She locked herself in the room and wept bitterly, she rebuked her biological father loudly!
How did Uncle comfort Mary? Uncle did not explain, weaken Mary's father's dereliction of duty, and did not teach Mary to hate her father like many parents who instigated their children to hate their other half in conflicts between husband and wife. Instead, she took her to the delivery room of the hospital and waited a long time.
When a baby was born, Mary was moved by the excitement of everyone outside the delivery room. The uncle told Mary, "That's how you were when you were born." Mary said, "Are you so happy?" Uncle replied, "Yes." Mary asked, "Who greeted me?" Uncle said, "It's me." In this way, I truly tell Mary that although her father does not love her, there are still people who love her.
Since parents have no ability to love themselves. Then don't force it. Open new doors and learn to accept those who truly love you, and they will give you the true love you deserve.
You can continue to be childish and helpless like a child, waiting for your parents to issue you an adult license. But in fact, the decision is yours. When you learn to be self-responsible, learn to love yourself, change ideas, and give up fighting with your parents, you will have the freedom to enjoy your life for the first time.
Recommended for those in need to read: "Native Family: How to Repair Your Personality Defects" by internationally renowned psychotherapist Susan Foward.
