I am 25 years old this year, male, less than a year after graduating from university. I have deep sexual problems, as if I have been circulated in, I can't get out, and I have always had insomnia and couldn't sleep well recently.
I had sex for the first time when I was a freshman, but I was not with my current girlfriend. Later, after breaking up, I made friends with my current girlfriend in my sophomore year, but I concealed my previous experience and I was afraid that she would be unhappy.
When college was about to graduate, I looked for a lady in a hotel with my good friends. When I went home to look for a job, I looked for it again. I kept my girlfriend from my experience of finding a lady twice. I was afraid that she would know, but I couldn't figure it out. Since I was afraid that my girlfriend would know why she still wanted to find a lady.
I have been feeling guilty and blame myself recently. I feel like I am dirty like this, and I am sorry for my girlfriend. Sometimes I feel pitiful, like a victim. Really, I feel so dirty now that I feel very dirty, I feel so disgusted that I can’t sleep well all night long, and I feel sick. What should I do? I can't tell others...
Hello, from your words, you can feel that your inner guilt towards your girlfriend is still very strong.
You are dissatisfied with your past behavior and feel that you are sorry for your girlfriend, but you are also suffering from being unable to confess to your girlfriend and falling into self-emotional torture.
First of all, I hope you understand that sex is the most real and primitive need of a person. It is not sin or dirty.
Sex is not a disaster. Don’t be afraid, learn to accept it. It is a beautiful thing in itself and it deserves respect.
You also need to know that as long as you do not hurt others and yourself, all forms of sexual behavior can be understood.
There is a saying that says: Only by facing desire can one reasonably satisfy and control desires.
Then, first of all, you have to face up to your sexual needs, rather than blindly avoiding and fearing.
Although considering the loyalty of love, your behavior will indeed cause some harm to your girlfriend, you might as well try to think about the following questions:
1. Why do you want to find a lady when you have a girlfriend, and more than once.
2. Why do you feel no self-blame in the process of finding it yourself, and you will feel strong discomfort, regret and annoyance afterwards?
psychoanalysis divides personality into three levels: ego, self and superego.
If you say that your behavior of looking for a lady is evoked by the self, it only focuses on the feelings at that time and will not have too many other thoughts, then the feeling of self-blame and guilt afterwards is caused by the superego.
Because afterwards, you will realize that finding a lady is not allowed by morality, let alone you have a girlfriend.
So the superego will cause a series of emotional self-blame, causing you to feel extremely distressed in your heart now.
Since things have happened, you have to face it and solve this problem:
1. Handle your emotions well.
Over-immersed in self-blame emotions will not help after all. It will not only make you increasingly depressed, but also more likely to fall into a vicious cycle of emotions.
Doing something wrong can allow yourself to feel guilty and self-blame, but you must be moderate and appropriately look for opportunities to express it, and learn to find ways, use actions to change and save yourself.
2. Adjust your own cognition
You are already an adult, and it is normal to have sexual needs. You just used the wrong method.
Since you already know where you are wrong, you must admit your mistake.
But don’t generalize from the side, think that this kind of yourself is not good, it’s a useless person, and you must look at your own problems correctly.
3. Use actions to change and remedy
blindly self-blame and guilt will not play a role in solving the problem. In order to offset such negative emotions in your heart, compensation for action is more urgent.
Since I feel sorry for my girlfriend, then what should I do, love her well and compensate her with my actions.
I believe that you can find a way that can be truly compensated to reduce harm to others, control your future behavior, and prevent yourself from falling into trouble again.
