readers asked: Hello! Every time I see you solve problems for others, I always feel that people can understand the essence of the problem. I also encounter confusion and need your help and guidance.
I am a female teacher in the county town. I am already 36 this year. Such an age and work environment have made it a problem for me to choose a spouse. I always face my feelings with a mentality of not being too little than being too bad. Perhaps it is because I am not clear enough about myself that I am now.
I am a person who is extremely insecure. Maybe it is related to the fact that I grew up in foster care in other people's homes when I was a child, but I should learn to improve my personality and should not use this as an excuse...
After a blind date, I met a man in a medical company doing marketing business. He works in a prefecture-level city near my city. He is 4 years younger than me. At first, I didn't like it very much (he is too overweight and feels unhealthy). I guess it may be because of his personality and career. He is more sensible in his conversation and not annoying. He has a certain emotional foundation after being together for a year. When he first met him, he said that he had considered settling in my county town, and now he said that he wanted to pay a down payment in the place where he worked for the long term.
Considering the situation of both families, we can only rely on ourselves in all aspects, but I am worried that the current epidemic situation and other aspects of salary will be affected, and the pressure to repay loans is high. Both parents are about seventy years old (pension issues), and I feel that there are problems with marriages in other places.
Because of the inappropriate question of where to settle down, I proposed to break up and broke off the connection for more than two months. I also thought about living alone in the future. My family might be afraid that I would die alone. I advised me to accept the other party’s advice and pay a down payment on his side. I was very confused and didn’t know what to do? Can you help me analyze it? Thank you in advance.
General · Answer
Both are "older women" who are in the fourth year, so I still said it straight to the point.
Through blind dates, you didn’t like him from the beginning, and you cultivated a certain emotional foundation through time. These three elements are combined to show that your relationship is not driven by emotions, but more driven by interests. To put it bluntly, it is to find a marriage partner.
Interests include improving living conditions through marriage, and getting rid of loneliness through marriage, giving family members who are urging marriage, getting rid of public opinion pressure in the surrounding environment, etc.
Then let’s take a look at whether it is in your interest to marry him.
No matter who you marry, you can basically explain it to your family and get rid of public pressure, but the first two benefits seem to be completely unrealized.
As you said, without the foundation of previous deep love and solid feelings, marriages in other places are indeed prone to problems, and they are indeed unable to establish a deep connection. You will still be lonely, and it is still difficult to take care of each other and support each other on weekdays.
As for improving the living conditions, it is even more obvious that it cannot be done. When he buys a house where he works, he can live every day. At most, you can go there on weekends and holidays (now because of masks, it may not be possible to go there every weekend and holiday).
This model is particularly similar to the popular homestay crowdfunding projects in previous years. Shareholders participating in the construction of homestay crowdfunding can also choose to stay in the homestay for any period of time every year. This is a kind of return on investment .But you "crowdfunded" with him and bought a house, but you couldn't live in most of the time, and it didn't improve your life?
Look a step forward. What should you do if you are pregnant and have children? Who will take care of you? Do you have to go back and forth every weekend when you are pregnant and return to his workplace? What should you do when you are inconvenient to travel? After giving birth, do you raise children in the school dormitory? If he went to accompany you, where would he live?
I even think your marriage real estate crowdfunding investment will lose money for you... and will continue to lose money. After all, as long as you don’t divorce and always stay in another place, the hidden dangers it brings will only increase.
The above analysis is indeed very realistic and even calculating, but I also said that this is because I don’t feel that there is love in your relationship.
Still the same thing, many people underestimate the importance of love in marriage. If you have love, you can’t drink enough water, but at least when you encounter some obstacles in reality, your partner with love is more motivated to overcome it. Even if you give and endure hardship, you will be more willing to do so, making life less difficult.
But if love is insufficient and reality is cruel, then what do you use to resist various problems and contradictions in marriage? Just rely on that piece of paper?
For the situation you encounter, even if you say "I really love him, we really have a good relationship", or something like that, I may not agree with the breakup so directly, , but obviously there is no deep friendship between you, which directly determines that if you have no confidence in this marriage, what else can you talk about overcoming difficulties?
You have analyzed it very comprehensively, and it is also right to propose a breakup. You marry him, live in another place, and pay a down payment. This situation is not better than your current life. But at least now you are relatively free, which means you have new opportunities.
As for your family’s suggestions, we cannot say that they don’t consider it for you, but it seems that their consideration is a bit simple. Buying a house in another place according to the man’s wishes may make you no longer live in solitary life, but it may become a struggle and pain in life. It is the same logic as “amputting your limbs for the sake of not having a headache”, isn’t it?
has been analyzed, it is not worth your trouble. It is not the one, you can continue to date and contact next one. #blind date# #marriage#
General Guo, master of psychology at Beijing Normal University, national second-level psychological counselor , Han Han [ONE] popular author, author of the book "You are still a stranger to yourself" and "The world prefers you to heal and enjoy yourself".
