A reader once left a message in "3 Signs You Need to "Escape Immediately" in a Relationship": We feel that the other person is terrible and a scumbag, or we know that this is a fruitless relationship, but we still have no motivation to leave the other person.

A reader once left a message in "3 Signs You Need to "Escape Immediately" in a Relationship":

I feel that the other person is terrible and a scumbag, or we know that this is a fruitless relationship, but we still have no motivation to leave the other person.

Those girls who have been domestically abused or PUA still don’t want to leave;

Those boys who are willing to be spare tires and dog lickers...

There are not a few such people.

What makes us rather hurt ourselves than leave each other.

Today we will talk about emotional abandonment (Emotional Abandonment) fear.

Source: Pexels

01 Even if you hurt yourself, you must continue to love

Speaking of the fear of emotional abandonment, I think of my college roommate Xiaoxiao.

When her love is on its deathbed, she will "tie" his heart by sending him erotic text messages.

Whenever she begins to realize that the other person is no longer interested in her and the topic cannot continue, she will immediately start erotic topics, and even satisfy the other person's unusual sexual fantasies, "hooking" the other person and not letting go.

Xiaoxiao told me that she really couldn’t live without him, even if she had to maintain it in such an extreme way.

How little love you have for your own girls.

In my little heart, the pain of hurting myself is acceptable, but the pain of leaving my boyfriend is not.

Source: Pexels

She is subjectively experiencing emotional abandonment (Emotional Abandonment) fear, a subjective emotional state produced when the person involved realizes that she is about to sever the relationship with the other party.

People in this state feel unwanted, left behind, unsafe, or abandoned, even if they choose to leave.

People can feel lost, deprived of "food", or alone.

At the heart of emotional abandonment is the fear of rejection.

Human beings naturally hate to be rejected.

Cognitive psychology shows that the brain areas activated by social pain caused by rejection overlap with the brain areas activated by physical pain caused by injury.

Of course, rejection doesn't just hurt, it also has deep psychological implications.

Human babies have a long growth period, and they have to rely on their mothers to survive for a long time. When we are rejected by our mothers, it means that we have lost food and safe shelter, and we are almost close to death.

After growing up, humans need to rely on the help of their own kind to obtain food and build shelter. It is particularly important that

is not rejected.

Source: Pexels

Another basis of emotional abandonment is separation anxiety .

Separation anxiety was first described as the anxiety of babies after leaving their loved ones. Now it can also be described as the fearful reaction we experience when we are about to end an important attachment relationship.

When we experience separation anxiety, we are likely to have some of the following experiences:

Feeling uncertain about the future

Feeling like it is impossible to climb out of the abyss

Feeling afraid of being alone

I feel that I am not worthy of being loved

I feel that I may be destined to be an orphan (unworthy of being a partner)

And this is exactly the psychological state that people with fear of emotional abandonment are experiencing.

Source: Pexels

02 Do you have a fear of emotional abandonment?

Everyone hates being rejected, but those who have a fear of emotional abandonment have greater trauma.

In both cases, fear of emotional abandonment is more likely to occur.

The first type of client is an obsessive attachment type.

Attachment Styles refer to the way the person gets along with his lover.

Attachment styles are divided into two axes:

Anxiety axis :

6

People with low anxiety will not easily feel anxious when the other person leaves them briefly;

People with high anxiety will feel anxious, nervous, and at a loss when the other person leaves them briefly.

Avoidance axis:

When facing the attachment object, a person with low avoidance will show a more intimate state;

A person with high avoidance will avoid the other person even if he loves the other person and is eager to be with the other person (like a cold and domineering male president).

Source: Pexels

People with the preoccupied attachment style have high anxiety and low avoidance.

That is, if the lover leaves him for a while, he may be anxious to death;

When the other person appears, they are extremely eager to be intimate with each other.

Obsessed people are afraid that others will leave them and do not give themselves enough attention.

Their psychological focus is on "how to get the other person's attention", as if the other person is their god.

Robert S. Weisskirch once conducted a survey and found that obsessive people are more likely to send sexting messages.

He believes that this may be determined by the insecurity of obsessed people in love.

Sexting is their way of attracting other people’s attention and maintaining their interest (Weisskirch, 2016).

Xiaoxiao, a college roommate, is also "attracting" each other in this way.

Source: Pexels

The second situation is that the other party is a background object (background object)

The background object refers to the person who people rely on in some way, and people do not realize this dependence until the other party does not exist.

seems to be the relationship between fish and water.

When I was a child, I often heard my mother complain that my father was lazy, dirty, and incapable of making money.

But when she said, "Mom, if it doesn't work, just leave. Don't wrong yourself too much."

My mother immediately became speechless, or smacked her lips and tried to explain something to her father.

In fact, husband and wife are a typical relationship in which each other is a background object.

Some external control systems will be formed between husband and wife, and they will form coordination at many levels.

For example, their pupils dilate in sync, and they have language patterns, movements, heart or EEG rhythms that echo each other.

As a couple, they act like a mutual biofeedback system, stimulating and regulating each other's biological rhythms and responding to each other's pheromones.

Separating a couple is as painful as cutting flesh and removing bones.

Source: Pexels

03 How to have the power of breaking up?

There was a popular word some time ago called "divorce power", which refers to the ability to leave a marriage.

Then you should also have "breakup power" - the ability to leave a bad relationship.

How can we have the ability to cut off chaotic emotions?

can be carried out in the following two points.

. Carry out positive self-talk

You can design some positive self-talk according to your own situation.

Remember to be gentle, powerful and specific.

For example, during the period of falling out of love, you can try to say to yourself:

"I am really a great girl, and I have the strength to leave for a while." A bad relationship, leaving a bad person. "

When you are rejected by others, you can try to say to yourself:

"I won't devalue myself just because I was rejected this time. It may just be the wrong timing."

Source: Pexels

. Write a control list

Maybe when you decide to leave the other person, you will find it difficult to breathe, you will feel that your strength is weak, you can't deal with various trivial matters in life, and you will be in a semi-paralyzed state.

Then you can try to make a control list:

. Today at noon, I will eat fried pork and take care of my stomach

. Decide to wear a skirt today Son, with a new look

. Go and play with friends for two hours

...

Don't underestimate these little things, life itself is made up of these trivial things.

Doing these little things can help you improve your sense of control over your life, and can also quickly free you from the pain of a breakup.

Source: Pexels

Written at the end

I know that leaving a relationship is a very difficult thing.

This is true for people with weak hearts, and it is also true for people with strong hearts.

But I love social worker Cathy Harris’s perspective:

Adults cannot be abandoned like children.

What happens when a child is "abandoned"? That kid has no resources. This is important because children do not have access to their own food, housing, clothing, etc.

They really can be discarded, left behind. Children do not have the physical or financial status to acquire their own means of living.

Leaving a bad romantic partner will only make us turn short-term pain into short-term pain.

Don’t look at each other and yourself with too much pity.

We adults will never be abandoned.

Source: Pexels

Author: Yuki

Picture source: Internet

First release: Yidianling Psychology

Focus on psychological growth, love you warmly and powerfully