Text/Han Meiyi
01
For children, what is the most common sentence they hear their parents say?
Come to think of it, there is nothing more than that sentence: is all for your own good.
In the hearts of many parents, they hope that their children will be obedient and sensible, and it is best to do everything according to their parents' instructions. Whether it is study or life, or even life, parents often tell their children as "experienced people": I have more experience than you, so you are right to listen to me.
There are even some parents who are reluctant to let go of their children after they start a family. They always feel that their children are still young and immature, cannot solve problems well, and do not have the ability to live independently.
Parents want their children to live well and do their best to help their children share the burden. This is a good intention and understandable, but parents cannot always stand in their own perspective and always think that what they do is right and blindly ignore their children's real thoughts.
There is a saying: What you think is good is not necessarily good. Only what others can accept is good, that is truly good.
Many times, parents overly dominate, interfere, and interfere. Instead of helping their children, it will be self-defeating, arouse resentment in their children, and cause conflicts in the family.
02
Today’s case is shared by a male reader, Dayong. He and his mother had a quarrel because of “different opinions” on money. He felt that he could be independent and his mother should not care about him so much, but his mother thought that he was ignorant and disobedient as soon as he got married, and “forgot his mother after marrying his wife.”
"I really don't know what to say about my mother. I can rely on and follow her on some things, but I definitely can't listen to her on some things! I am a grown man, not a three-year-old child. This is not okay. I am married and have a family. No matter how you say it, you can have your own idea of a small family? Is this unfilial? Is it called disobedience to your parents?"
Let's briefly introduce Dayong's situation.
He has two sisters, maybe because he is such a precious son in the family. His parents have loved him very much since he was a child, especially his mother, who takes care of everything and has to worry and plan everything for him.
Before Dayong got married, his mother always thought of him, and he thought it was acceptable. The worst he could do was listen to his mother's nagging more. But after he got married, his mother still planned for him as before, and she didn't trust him to handle anything. He really felt a little out of breath.
No, on his first day of marriage, when he was immersed in the joy of starting a family, his mother suddenly came to him. First, she told him how to run a family in the future and how to take responsibility. Then she changed the subject and made a request in front of him and his wife.
"You young people spend money lavishly and can't save money even after a year. It's not okay to live like this! If you have children in the future, you will have no money and it will be difficult to raise children! It's better to do this, Dayong's salary card Hand it over and let me keep it. I will transfer some of your monthly living expenses to you. As for Qianqian's salary, you can save some after paying off the mortgage. Don't worry, I will reconcile with you every Chinese New Year and let you save the money yourself. My wife will never spend your money. ”
At first, Dayong did not take his mother’s statement seriously. First, his salary was only more than 8,000 yuan, and his wife’s was only more than 5,000 yuan. Even if he saved , he couldn't save much, so he didn't have to manage his and his wife's money separately; secondly, he felt that when he was not married, he didn't leave the money to his mother, and he had survived like this. Now that he was married, he already had more burdens on him, and there would definitely be more places to use money on weekdays, and there was no need for his mother to manage money for him.
"Mom, you don't have to worry about me anymore! I'm older and I know it in my heart. I will definitely not have enough to eat for the whole family like I did when I was not married. I will definitely save some money and live a good life!"
Seeing that Dayong didn't listen to her and kept using words to deal with her, her mother was a little angry. She used the rhetoric of "In order to marry you, it can be said that I have emptied the family's money." Her words were full of dissatisfaction, "I have paid so much for you, and you don't even want to listen."
"Your father and I have spent most of our lives trying to find a wife for you. We can only take care of ourselves in the future, and we will definitely not be able to help you! If you don't live up to your expectations and don't want to save some money, will you still have to rely on us? I don't want your money, but I am just doing it for your own good. I am worried that you two don't know how hard it is to live, and you can spend whatever you have, and you won't be able to get it when you really need it." ! Why can't you listen!"
Not wanting to make his mother angry, Dayong patiently explained a few words, saying that he would remember all the sacrifices his parents had made for him. In the future, he would definitely honor his parents when he had money. Furthermore, no matter how difficult his life was after marriage, he would never ask for money from his parents again or bite them. He would rely on his own efforts to make money and live a good life with his wife.
The mother couldn't listen and snorted coldly, " I've been talking for a long time, but you just don't want me to control your money! It's really good to raise a son. He can only spend and use my mother's money, and then kick me away when he gets married! People are right, a son forgets his mother when he marries his wife, and becomes a There is nothing wrong with me in the eyes of the family! I don’t understand, you spend a lot of money and don’t know how to make a living. Why can’t you help me with my kindness?
Seeing his mother becoming more and more aggressive, Dayong is helpless and angry.
He is not alone anymore, nor is he an ignorant child. He is married and his wife is still standing by, so his mother insists on taking care of his money. Will she still do this if something happens to her in the future and she does not go according to her wishes? He has a family, so he will definitely have more places to spend money, but no matter what, it should be communicated and decided by him and his wife. If he leaves the money to his mother, wouldn't it be a disguised admission that he has not grown up yet? What does this make his wife think of him?
After thinking about it, Dayong couldn't control his emotions. He said angrily, "Mom, if you say what you said, why are you urging me to get married? I'm single all the time, can't you just keep an eye on me? I appreciate everything you and dad have done for me, but that doesn't mean I have to listen to you in everything! Can you be more open-minded and don't insist on pestering me when something happens? I have already said that I have plans and will definitely save money! Why don't you worry about it? If nothing else, I've never seen you and dad let grandma take care of the money. You all spend your own money and take care of yourself. Why can't you do it when you come to me? "
did not expect that Dayong would say this, and her mother was naturally very angry. She said, "You can do it! You have become a family, your wings have become strong, and I can't control you anymore! You should listen to your wife." After that, she went downstairs angrily and never talked to Dayong again.
After his mother made such a fuss, Dayong's wife also had a quarrel with him. His wife felt that her mother-in-law's attitude just after getting married made it clear that she wanted to give her power. With such a strong mother-in-law, life would be difficult in the future. If she had known this, she should not have married her.
Regarding this, Dayong was also speechless. His mother was his mother, and he was him. He didn’t just listen to his mother’s words. Why was his wife arguing with him? From now on, wouldn’t it be nice for them to live their own lives?
03
I don’t know what other men’s attitudes are when their mothers ask them to hand over their salary cards and manage money, but I personally think there is nothing wrong with Dayong’s approach.
After children start a family, it means they have to deal with problems independently. They can no longer rely on their parents, and parents do not have to plan everything for their children. We should be close, but we should also maintain the distance we should keep.
once saw this passage: " Many relatives will have a tense relationship, that is, there is no sense of distance when they are in love, and everything will be mixed together, no matter how serious it is, and eventually they will fall out. "
This is indeed the case.
People who are close to each other still need to have some boundaries. Even between parents and children, if they always use "family affection" and "for your own good" as excuses to interfere too much in each other's lives, then it will only make people feel disgusted and want to stay away.
Not all "good" are acceptable.
Being more "different" among relatives and "turning a blind eye" at the right time is not only not a bad thing, but will make everyone feel comfortable and at ease.
