I searched for her thousands of times in my dream, but when I looked back, I saw that person in the dimly lit place . This scene was really a wonderful encounter, but unfortunately it only exists in legends. In reality, what is lost can be found, and what is missed can be looked back again. How could it be possible to be so lucky? It's so rare, so fanciful.
Many people have missed it, and one mistake can last a lifetime. The shortcomings of many things become the past once and for all...
Xiao Nan is the person I missed in my life.
Not long ago, I got in touch with my high school friend Xiaonan, who I had lost contact with for almost twenty years. Although we are not in the same city, the whole family still has a feeling that a particularly favorite object has been found. Every day we say many, many words in various ways, pouring out endless thoughts and blessings that we have seen through the years.
One night Xiaonan texted me that I was on a business trip to Xi'an the next day and wanted to meet him. I replied with a happy avatar. Waiting was indeed a torture. The next night I waited for her call as promised. At the entrance of the cross-street tunnel of at Qiaozikou, I spotted her at a glance under the street lights. Firstly, it was summer and the night was not dark. Secondly, it was the factor of perception. When you want to see someone too much, your mind will become particularly active. It will quickly filter out the irrelevant content in your sight and quickly search for the target.
We recognized each other at first sight under the dim light.
Maybe it was a mixture of emotions, maybe it was because I suddenly fell into the long river of memory, maybe it was because the joy of meeting again after a long separation came too suddenly. We looked at each other, and we were speechless for a moment.
"Where do you live?" I asked Xiaonan.
"Across from Lichen Hotel." Xiao Nan pointed to the location of the hotel across the road.
"Come up and have a seat." I think visiting is a form of respect.
"There is a colleague in the hotel. It's inconvenient. Let's find another place." Xiao Nan obviously didn't want to accept the way of meeting up to talk.
I took Xiaonan into a barbecue restaurant. My reaction at that time was really stupid to the extreme. If I made a mistake in my direction, the outcome would definitely be a hair's breadth away.
I stayed at the barbecue restaurant for about an hour. Xiao Nan was almost silent the whole time, and I was the only one who told the story of Shi Haigou Chen in high spirits: the hard work of my classmate's night reading; the final destination of the letter I wrote to her after we broke up, which was never found in the sea; secretly taking advantage of the night The embarrassment of going together to climb the Qin Pagoda and being rejected by the temple, as well as the helplessness and concern of life and death in these years...
What is puzzling is that Xiaonan opposite rarely answers words, just stares at me blankly, remains silent, showing an absent-minded and sad look. This state of affairs lasted until late at night when we each said goodbye and left. I often think about this scene in
. Did I misunderstand Xiaonan’s intention at that time? Is it that Xiaonan is full of romantic expectations for this meeting? Should I choose a more private environment so that we can reveal the true feelings hidden in our hearts?
I cherish this pure and flawless relationship that has gone through years of baptism and has settled to this day. How can I be willing to rashly crush and destroy it?
After so many years of being together with Xiao Nan, I have always been pure and pure in my heart. I can only watch from a distance but never dare to play with her, let alone have any inappropriate thoughts. I have always been in contact with her with a pious heart like a believer. We have been so close and caring many years ago, and it is still difficult to let go of her today... However, "having love before being polite" was the only choice I could make that night.
I remember one evening in the summer of my second year of high school, Xiaonan asked me to go for a walk by the Qin River outside the city. When I walked out of the city, the sky and the earth were like a hanging black curtain, completely covering it so that I could not see my fingers, and there was not a single pedestrian around. Looking at the night sky, the stars are filled with stars, shining with a quiet and cold light. We walked aimlessly, and Xiao Nan next to us talked about many childhood memories that were sealed in her heart. When she was a child, she had poor health and fell ill in the middle of the night. Her mother carried her on a rugged mountain road to take her to see a doctor, which went through a lot of hardships.Looking back on the difficult childhood, murmuring and weeping...
I was shocked by the hard life journey behind such a sunny girl beside me, and her open heart and trust made me even more frightened. I couldn't think of a suitable way to comfort her, and I walked silently with her into the depths of the night. I didn't dare to hold her hand or put my arm around her shoulders. It seemed that all my rash actions were disrespectful and would betray her undefended trust in me.
The only thing I could do was to walk with her, follow her thoughts to wander through her unfortunate memories, be sad with her, and feel sorry for her experience...
That night, the limited words I remember saying were: Xiaonan, it's all over, don't worry, if something happens again, everyone will help.
When I think about my statement at that time as an adult, I will repeatedly laugh at myself for being so young...
I have traveled thousands of miles to see each other again, and I shouldn't make the same mistake again and again on this night of reunion after a long absence! As soon as we said goodbye to Xi'an, it seemed that a thick barrier had been established between us. Xiaonan ignored the holiday text messages, life insights, and spiritual tidbits I sent, and did not respond at all. When I asked her about her current situation again, she finally replied: In fact, I read all the messages you send. I don’t know what to say. Maybe fate has really come to an end. Between the lines of
, apart from the sourness, there is no warmth.
Xiaonan, no luck in this life? Maybe you are already frustrated and don’t want to hear my explanation? Please allow me to tell you my thoughts over the years in such a public way: I love you and have always been in my heart. For your own good, I have been silent. Just like I like peach blossoms, I will never reach out to pick them and play with them. I hope your beauty will always be in my eyes instead of in my palms. Love, perhaps, should be kept as my own, but I choose to let it go because of love. As long as you live a good life, I can do anything. Xiaonan, I really can’t bear to look at the state of people today. I was so obsessed with you, but I didn’t dare to reach out and grab you again and again.
Xiaonan, I am lucky that I met you with the most special soul in the vast sea of people. The happiest thing in this life is that I have loved the appearance of your soul, and you have left so many beautiful stories of ups and downs. In such a state of mind, be grateful, content, work hard, and forge ahead!
Others, I will not resist if you come again, and I will feel at ease if I go far away.
