After three years together, my boyfriend broke up with me and I am still struggling. I still think he is one of my best friends and confidants and I don't want to lose him in my life. I want to be friends, but don't know if this is really possible for me, nor if it's healthy in the long run. Can exes really be just friends?
Dear:
Maintaining a friend relationship with your ex may feel that it is the ultimate sign of maturity. So much so that most celebrities’ breakup statements now usually include the intention to maintain a friend’s relationship. (Of course, sometimes this is just easier from the perspective of PR ).
But the problem is, not every couple can become friends. In fact, I generally disagree with maintaining a friend relationship with my ex unless I have a shared child.
This doesn't mean it will never work. But if you really want to give it a try, it is recommended to examine your true motivation first. A study looked at why people were friends with their ex and found four reasons: security (emotional support, advice, trust), practicality (sharing property or finance), courtesy, and unresolved desire for love.
There is no doubt that the decision to stay in a friend relationship with your ex is because you haven't come out of their relationship yet - and want to leave room for them to change their minds about breaking up - this is absolutely not recommended and will only stop you from moving forward.
If you are not sure what situation you are in, this list should help you make a decision. Here are six reasons not to try to build friendships – plus, there is one of the most important questions to ask yourself to see if you can stay in a friend relationship with your ex.
1. You cannot separate.
According to Feier 's experience, it is beneficial to stop all contact immediately after breaking up. This is when there are boundaries. Having clear rules of communication is crucial to your healing process. This detox time will let you go, be sad about losing the relationship, and have some distance to give you a new perspective. I suggest you spend a year, no less than six months.
If you still want to be friends after a while, and you can answer the questions I asked at the end of this article with certainty, then you may have a potential friendship that can develop!
2. One of you still has feelings for the other.
Usually, one person wants to break up more than the other person. Therefore, one of you is likely to still love each other. When you still have feelings, time together will be chaotic. Think about it. Did you spend a lot of time dressing up yourself before your "platonic" party trying to make yourself look shiny and make your ex feel that you are cool and attractive? If so, you are not just friends – you will disappoint yourself.
When you are with your ex, no matter what lingering feelings you have about him/her, you will not be sad about losing this relationship, nor will you feel the feelings you need to go through in order to let go. It creates a sense of denial whether the relationship is really over. In order to be able to have a healthy relationship—whether it is to be friends with your ex or be lovers with someone else—you have to grieve for the loss first and then let go.
3. You still hook up, or you may hook up if you are in a good mood.
After breaking up, there is a chance of residual sexual chemical reaction. Not long ago, you two were still sleeping together! If they had just broken up recently, those sexual feelings might still be in the air. If there is any possibility of adding "benefits", this really complicates the whole "just friends" effort. There is no way to friendship without a clean breakup.
4. You are looking for a serious relationship (with new objects).
Let's be realistic: your ex is likely to get in the way. When you spend time with your ex, it means you have less time and energy to get to know potential new partners.Additionally, when your emotional needs are met by your ex-lovers, you are unlikely to open up and give any suitor a real opportunity. In fact, a recent study found that those who still have a desire for their ex tend to have less successful relationships with new friends. Who wants this?
You may ask yourself: "Who will need a new boyfriend who is jealous or disliked by my good friend who happens to be the ex-boyfriend I slept in before?" And this is a very bad sign! It is fair and expected for potential new partners to feel uncomfortable if you talk to your ex, or still go out to drink with him and develop your relationship. These energy is best used to build a new healthy, potential future relationship.
5. You care very much whether your ex will date again.
I often see people staying in a friend relationship with their former partners in order to keep an eye on their dating life and try to influence it. It is advised that he should not date the sexy girl he met in the bar, not a protective friend, but rather try to manipulate his future love life and even keep him with him. This is not good for both of you.
According to Fei'er's experience, when people have a sense of scarcity of dating or think they can't do better, it is often easier to want to keep intimate with their ex. But being with your ex only exacerbates these dating anxiety and is harmful. If this sounds like you, don't waste time being friends.
6. Friendship feels like a consolation prize.
If you were in a lover relationship at the beginning, then it might not be so good to be downgraded to a friend relationship. A study on friendships between exes found that the more romantic desires, the lower the quality of friendships is—not surprising. This means you have to be really honest with yourself and know if you still have feelings to assess whether it is possible to build a sincere friendship.
So, can you and your ex still be friends? Ask yourself this question:
The most important question to ask yourself is, "If my ex meets new people and falls in love with others crazy, will I really be happy for both of them?" Can you imagine yourself having dinner with your ex and their new partner to celebrate - even if you are still single? This is the ultimate test you must persist in. If you can't honestly answer that you're willing to hang out with both of them and are really happy that your ex meets someone, then you shouldn't hang out with them.
Ideally, you should ask yourself this question 6 to 12 months after breaking up. If there is any abuse in this relationship, don't ask at all - focus on keeping distance and look forward.
After any breakup, you must make sure to put your happiness first. If you do that and you can give a loud "yes" answer to this question, then, of course, your ex can be your friend when you grow and need it.
Do you like what you just read? I want to know what you think of it. So, leave a message in the comment section. In addition, remember to search for Fei on WeChat to chat about emotions and follow Fei'er. Fei'er promises that Fei'er will become the lucky charm of your beautiful love life.
