saw a question like this and left a message:
The fiancé lives in the same building with a married female colleague. In order to save money on gas, she makes an appointment to and from get off work together every day.
As a fiancee, I felt very disgusted when I saw them like this.
I also said tactfully that I didn’t want them to go to and from get off work together, but my fiancé didn’t agree. He said I was thinking too much and said that the other party’s married children were all in elementary school. But I still think their behavior makes me feel uncomfortable. Is it really too stingy?
It is obvious that this is not a stingy problem, but the other party has not realized the seriousness of the matter.
As a consultant dealing with extramarital affairs almost every day, I must tell the truth:
Most of the cheating of the cheating is an unexpected moment when two acquaintances are together for a long time, rather than a premeditated plan. What does
mean?
means that most acquaintances do not mean that they have to cheat first, so they will deliberately find a partner to cheat. But by various chances, I failed to control myself and made a choice to cheat.
In this case, there are generally four keywords:
opposite sex + acquaintances + long-term relationship + accidental moments
opposite sex acquaintances include but are not limited to:
colleagues, neighbors, alumni, even parents of children... and other acquaintances.
From a long time includes but is not limited to:
Go to and from get off work together, work overtime together on business trips, often gather, pick up and drop off children together/discuss parenting together...etc. often get along alone and get along well.
Unexpected moments include but are not limited to:
One party seeks emotional comfort when encountering setbacks (mostly this is the case), one party suddenly becomes ambiguous with the other party, occasionally unintentional physical touch, alcohol effect, ambiguous atmosphere setting, other "stimulation points" (such as being cheered up by others) and so on.
No matter whether one of the parties has a partner, as long as he meets the above four points, the probability of "fighting the gun" is extremely high.
Single "ejaculate" love;
married "ejaculate" extramarital affair.
Therefore, in life, there is experience in saying "must keep a distance from married people/people who have partners". These experiences do not mean that people who do not keep a distance are "there is a ghost in their hearts". It is a "human conclusion" drawn from the bloody and tears experiences argued by countless people.
This "human conclusion" includes certain shortcomings that must exist in an individual as an ordinary person - such as greed, impulse, selfishness, one-sided extremes, indifference, ignorance, luck, etc.
also includes the limitations reflected in the group - for example, when a group of people gather together, they will be "mob" behaviors such as spreading right and wrong, spying privately, hunting for gossip, spreading rumors, following the crowd...
In other words, even if you have good character and self-discipline, you may be affected by the "loss" of human nature; even if you have fully overcome the "loss of human nature", it is difficult to ensure that your behavior will not be used by everyone to chat, gossip, spread rumors and cause trouble.
Even if the person involved is really innocent, people's words are terrifying, and it is too easy for public opinion to destroy a person.
Especially in the current Internet age, casual "borrowing a position and secretly taking photos", "chat screenshots" and "thousand-word essays" unlimitedly enlarge a person's privacy and "disadvantages". If everyone is not careful, they will become the target on the "moral square" and be shot in decently by thousands of netizens.
And how many people in the general public can really be strong inside, but are in the group without fear of any public opinion and just be yourself without restraint?
Moreover, in life, it is not only yourself, but also your relatives and lovers around you. "The pure one will be clear" can only comfort oneself, and it is difficult to make relatives and lovers who are in negative public opinion at the same time feel at ease.
So in order to avoid unnecessary trouble and to reduce the probability of "being talked about", keeping a distance from the opposite sex with a partner is the easiest and convenient way to harm yourself and the people around you.
The best way to reflect the sentence "clear oneself clear" is to "draw a clear line" in advance and protect yourself and your lover.
instead of tempting crazy on the edge of "possibly deviant". Human nature cannot withstand temptation, and the trust between partners should not be tested.
So you are not "too stingy", your reaction is just a very normal subconscious reaction.
Of course, he did not do anything deviant at this time, so he naturally had a very normal mentality of "the pure one will be clear", and it is beyond reproach.
※To solve this problem, the following five steps can be used as reference:
1. Respect your true feelings:
When you feel uncomfortable and uncomfortable, this is the true feelings from your heart.
If you want others to respect your feelings, you must first respect your feelings.
You don’t need to use labels such as “stingy”, “not trusting enough”, “jealous” to stigmatize or deny your true feelings of disgust.
Do not escape any feelings that cause you to be troubled and anxious.
You just need to admit that this feeling is reasonable, has the meaning and necessity of existence, and is to be valued by yourself.
2. Take your true feelings seriously:
Don’t fool or perfunctory your true feelings in your heart.
When you feel disgusted with his behavior of not having a "sense of boundaries between the opposite sex", please be sure to take this matter seriously, instead of laughing and joking, he is tactful and suggestive.
things that make you feel uncomfortable and will affect your relationship stability are not necessary for tactful hints, and must be made explicit.
Only by expressing your feelings sincerely, directly and accurately can you appear serious and serious. When the other party sees you being serious, he will naturally not joke around and fool you.
The so-called " grab big and let go small " in love is also the same.
Those small things that are harmless and will not cause a crisis to their relationship can be laughed at, and once it involves acts that shake the foundation of their relationship (such as trust), they must be taken seriously.
3. Reasonably express your true feelings:
directly express your true feelings, but avoid "tamping" the other party and avoid exaggerating.
Because of deliberately exaggerating and "conviction" of the other party's undestined behavior, it is not to express one's own feelings, but to provoke the other party's negative emotions and create disputes.
Some people like to suggest the other party’s guesses with verbal confusion, or like to vent their emotions by pointing out mulberry and slandering. These behaviors are all hiding their true feelings.
The other party cannot see your true emotions and feelings, and cannot understand your behavioral reactions, so they will naturally think that you are unreasonable. Then you will treat you like a child, fool you or coax you to comfort you, rather than solve the problem.
So, you must know how to express your feelings reasonably.
The reasonable factors here include:
Clearly, seriously and directly express the feelings of the incident + the common position of both parties + the purpose of strengthening
For example, when you feel that his behavior makes you uncomfortable, you can directly say:
"You and XX often stay together, and the relationship looks very close, which makes me feel very uncomfortable and will reduce the trust between us (speak the truth) .
Of course, I don’t doubt what you did, but I just worry that you have no sense of boundaries and will attract frightening words. This will definitely affect our feelings and their reputation. (the common position of both parties) .
We must pay attention to this problem and solve this problem. This matter is very important to me. (reinforcement purpose) . "
As long as you discuss the matter and express it seriously, the other party will naturally become serious when it comes to your attitude.
4. Maintain your true feelings and bottom line principles:
Of course, no matter how well you express it, not everything can fully satisfy your expectations.
If you implement the above method, the other party will still do its own thing and cannot reach a consensus with you, and you will still feel uncomfortable. At this time, please repeat the first and second steps.
Your true feelings must be maintained first by you, and your bottom line principles must also be maintained by you.
If you give in to the bottom line and principle, and let the other party fool you wantonly, then your bottom line principle will disappear and your credibility in front of the other party will also be damaged.
More importantly, even if your relationship has improved because of your retreat, you will still fall into self-doubt again and again because you give up protecting yourself.
5. Be mentally prepared to deal with the future based on your current feelings:
Feelings are not equations, and you will definitely find the correct answer after doing one step at a time.
Sometimes you may have done everything after a set of process and done it well, but the other party still cannot give you the solution you want, and you really love him and don’t want to leave him.
At this time, you can also choose to continue observing for a period of time.
After all, in love, it is not easy to truly understand yourself and the other person completely and thoroughly. As long as you are mentally prepared to face all changes, you can give each other more opportunities to understand each other and then make decisions.
Everyone has their own different needs and choices when it comes to feelings. There is no right or wrong in these choices, only the difference between suitable for yourself and not suitable for yourself.
Some people can stop losses in time when they cannot reach a consensus, while others must go through harm to gain self-growth in the process of healing themselves.
You only need to make a choice based on your current feelings and bear the consequences of the choice.
I am Chen Man, a rationalist who is not sensational or pretentious, and I will analyze the most useful truth in marriage for you.
Remember to follow us! If you want to talk, please [Private message] me, we will listen to your story and solve your troubles.
