Hellinger said in "The Order of Love": "In most of a happy and stable family, the relationship between husband and wife comes first, the relationship between parents and children comes second, and the relationship with parents comes third."

Hellinger said in "The Order of Love":

"In most of a happy and stable family, the relationship between husband and wife comes first, the relationship between parents and children comes second, and the relationship with parents comes third."

A wise husband will understand the order of family relationships and will not put parents and children more important than his wife. If the wife is placed third, then the family will have all kinds of conflicts and no peace.

The wisest choice is to put your wife first, followed by children and parents.

Because only if the wife is made happy, the parents and children will be taken care of, and the home will be taken care of by a mistress, otherwise it will be a mess.

mentioned in "Family System Sorting" that if you want love to flow naturally in the family, it must comply with the three major dynamics of love. These three driving forces are wholeness, balance, and order.

Zheng Lifeng | Chemical Industry Press

No matter which one it is, if it goes beyond and destroys the system, then there will be a crisis in family relationships. The overall relationship between

and

is also called identity equality.

In other words, as long as you are a member of this family, you have the right to belong.

The individual has been excluded from the family. This position is empty. This is called a total lack. There will always be someone to represent him in the future generations, as if filling a hole. The people of later generations represent the forgotten people of the past. This is called identity equivalence. There is a case mentioned in the

book.

A woman in her 40s hopes to have a beautiful marriage, but she is reluctant to empty her heart.

It turns out that she had been divorced for more than three years and her father had passed away. Therefore, she had many conflicts with her mother and felt particularly depressed.

Although her father passed away, she still has not come out. The space deep in her heart has always been reserved for her father and has never been given to other men.

Therefore, when her father left, she felt particularly sad, and she was at odds with her mother. She felt very depressed and lived in pain every day.

Later, after consulting a psychiatrist, she slowly freed up some space in her heart, and let go of her father and ex-husband. She no longer indulged in their kindness to her, but tried to give herself a chance to go. Contact other men.

Let go of the past and embrace the present and even the future.

After the death of the father, the departure of the ex-husband, and then finding a new boyfriend to fill this position, this is called identity equivalence.

When a member of the family unfortunately passes away, it is understandable that it is difficult to get over it for a while. But if you can't get out of it within three to five years, then the problem becomes serious, and you need to seek consultation from a psychologist. Help yourself out of the quagmire.

Balanced relationship

Balanced relationship, that is, feeling the same way, also called suffering together .

For example, " wings ".

Many mothers, when faced with their disobedient and often absentee husbands, will pull their children to fight against the man; while fathers can't stand their wives spending money randomly and going out shopping all day long, so they will pull their children to fight against women.

couldn't convince the other party himself, so he brought his children in to fight together.

For example, " is jointly responsible for ".

Parents cry out to their children when they are suffering. The parents’ emotions are directly copied to their children of the same sex. When a mother is angry, her daughter is also angry, and when a mother is sad, her daughter is also sad.

Parents don’t care whether their children can accept their own emotions. As long as they are unhappy, they will use their children as a vent to vent all kinds of negative energy.

After a long time, the child will also be affected, so when he is in a bad mood, he will also infect his bad mood to others.

If parents have done some radical behavior in front of their children when faced with negative emotions, such as cutting hands, overeating, throwing things, etc., then the children will do the same when they are in a bad mood.

once said that bad emotions are contagious.

There is no absolute right or wrong view of things. But there are positives and negatives, and everyone must bear the final consequences of their own opinions.

With a negative mentality, you will always find negative explanations for things, and you can always find excuses for yourself to complain, which ultimately leads to negative results. Next, the negative results will reversely strengthen the emotion, thus making him become an even more negative person.

order relationship

order relationship, also called identity dislocation, that is, the position of parents is more important than the position of husband and wife, and the position of children is more important than the position of parents.

The recently popular TV series "Come on!" In the drama "Mom", Zhu Yin, who plays the mother-in-law, strongly intervenes in the lives of her son and daughter-in-law, and she has the final say in everything.

She has the final say on what hobbies her granddaughter should develop. Her granddaughter likes to play football, but she objects to it; she likes to wear pants, but she objects to it; and she doesn’t want to learn ballet , but she still objects to it.

She has the final say whether her daughter-in-law wants to have a second child and at what stage she will prepare for pregnancy. It doesn't matter, you even have to control when you have sex.

One night, my son and daughter-in-law were making out in the room, planning to prepare for the birth of a second child, and they were just getting into the mood! The mother-in-law took the key from outside and opened the door, and said angrily that she had to have sex based on this ovulation cycle chart, otherwise her work would be in vain.

This scene, when viewed through the screen, makes one feel extremely suffocated, embarrassed, and extremely embarrassed.

The strength of the mother-in-law made the daughter-in-law breathless, and in the end she suffered from depression . Under the pressure of the mother, the son also behaved submissively, without any responsibility, and never protected his wife; the granddaughter was also under the control of the grandmother. Then, I gave up my hobbies and did things I didn't like.

The mother-in-law's family status surpasses that of her son and daughter-in-law. She has the final say in all major and minor matters, and her son also lets her do it, without weighing the relationship between himself, his wife, and his mother.

Therefore, in this home, as long as the whole family stays together, the atmosphere becomes tense instantly.

If the new family system is better than the old family system, then the relationship will be happy and stable.

If the parents have a higher position of power than their sons and daughters-in-law, there will only be constant conflicts and uneasiness.

If you want your family to be happy and stable, you must keep your boundaries and not let your parents cross the boundaries. You must manage your own small family well and not let your parents interfere too much.

#Marriage and Love Manual#