A reader’s letter said:
My husband and I have been married for 7 years. In the first 3 years of marriage, our relationship was okay, but in the past 4 years, my husband and I have been like roommates. I feel a little helpless that my marriage has been managed like this. During this period, neither my husband nor I mentioned divorce. Perhaps the reason why we did not divorce was because of our children.
In fact, there is no third party between my husband and I, but many times I feel that my husband and I are not on the same page about certain things, which led to occasional disputes over trivial matters in life when we first got married. , and later found that neither of us was willing to change for the other, which led to both of us not being willing to talk about each other anymore about trivial matters in life, so that we gradually became in a state of having nothing to say.
Some time ago, my best friend came back from the city where she works and visited my house. At that time, my best friend and my husband were chatting in the living room while I was cooking in the kitchen. I overheard their conversation, which left me with mixed emotions (my best friend and my husband were chatting in the living room while I was cooking in the kitchen. My husband and I were classmates in high school. After my best friend graduated from college, she stayed in the city where she went to school to work. My husband and I returned to work in the city where we grew up. My husband is a civil servant and I am a high school teacher).
My husband’s complaints about me in front of my girlfriends include: 1) I’m not good enough to his parents (maybe I’m not a very enthusiastic person, and I don’t communicate much with his parents every time they come to my house); 2) I Not enough relationship with him (we live in a small county, here, men like to drink after work, women like to play mahjong after work, my husband has more drinking games every month, while I like to stay at home ; less than 6 digits).
What my husband said are objective facts, but these things that my husband is concerned about have never complained in front of me before. I want to ask, how to repair the marriage relationship?
Muzi Li Emotional Analysis:
The reality that needs to be acknowledged is that the divorce rate is indeed very high today. Even so, I still think marriage is beautiful.
As for the marriage between you and your husband, the most direct reason is the lack of basic communication between you. You think he understands you, but in fact you are very wronged; you think you understand her, but in fact he is very wronged. You both like to keep your grievances in your heart and show a state of forbearance in your married life. The cruel reality tells us: Excessive tolerance of each other's behavior between husband and wife cannot lead to a happy marriage, which makes your marriage in recent years difficult to communicate with each other under the same roof. It seems that you have maintained a peaceful and stable marriage, but in fact you both feel that your marriage is unhappy.
It may be related to your personality: you are both used to doing things in your mind, which leads to you and your husband guessing each other's thoughts more often. The truth is, neither of you really understands the other. The reason why your husband is willing to reveal his true feelings in front of your best friend: 1) Your best friend may enlighten you in your future life, but the key is that it is easier for you to listen to your best friend’s advice; 2) Your best friend is out of town all year round, even if she knows about your marriage Life is not that happy, and you will not mention this to your relatives and friends.
In fact, repairing a marital relationship is to slightly adjust your living habits that your husband cares about and to form the habit of communicating with your husband in a timely manner when something goes wrong.
A few days ago, I attended a marriage-related lecture. In it, I talked to five divorced women about the reasons for their divorce. I summarized six common reasons for divorce: 1) personality incompatibility; 2) different outlooks; 3) Marriage is accompanied by extramarital affairs; 4) Too much disappointment is accumulated due to trivial matters in life; 5) Parents-in-law frequently interfere in the marriage of younger generations; 6) Poor and humble couples suffer from everything and tend to become bad after getting rich.
In fact, extramarital affairs are not the most prominent reason for divorce. The most prominent reason for the disintegration of a marriage is the accumulation of small conflicts between two people in the process of getting along.
So, looking back at the marriages of our fathers, why were people at that time able to avoid divorce, but people today cannot? For this, I have also summarized some reasons: 1) Contemporary people like to express self-assertion too much; 2) Contemporary people seem to lack tolerance for many things; 3) There are too many choices before contemporary people; 4) Contemporary people take money too seriously, causing people to become impetuous.
Therefore, whether a marriage can proceed smoothly, the environment is a factor, and people's attitude towards marriage is also a factor.
Then, I asked those who were divorced and remarried. After getting rid of the misfortune of the previous marriage, are they really happy in the new marriage? They shook their heads reluctantly. To illustrate a problem: when it is difficult to obtain happiness in a certain marriage, the possibility of obtaining happiness in the next marriage is also very small. The main reason: I still don’t have a correct attitude towards running a marriage.
Regarding marriage, everyone needs to be clear about one thing: divorce or marriage reorganization will hurt money and feelings. Of course, the children will be hurt the most. In fact, the pathology of parents’ marriages can also be transmitted to their children invisibly.
Because of the above phenomena, I would like to give some advice to the people in the siege:
1) Since you are not the embodiment of perfection, don’t force your lover to become a perfect person. Try to accept the imperfection of your lover, and you may feel much happier;
2) Never implement double standards in marriage: while you desire your lover to pay for you, you need to ask yourself, what have you paid for your lover;
3) In Treat the family members of both parties as equally as possible, and never treat your own relatives as human beings instead of your lover's relatives;
4) In today's society, most men and women will get involved in the workplace. In this case, , it is best to have a clear division of labor in housework. Occasionally, you can "take care of others", but in general, you should follow the predetermined division of labor to fulfill your obligations at the housework level;
5) It is best not to do things between husband and wife. It is often mentioned in front of parents that both parents-in-law and parents-in-law will have a tendency to protect their children;
6) In marriage, you must know how to ask for and give, and never let yourself become the party who only knows how to ask. No one wants to A lifetime of hot faces and cold butts;
7) Because men and women are inherently different creatures, especially in terms of their attitudes towards emotions, they should try their best to understand and be considerate of each other. During this period, women should not be clingy, and men should not be too focused on playing or socializing;
8) Husbands and wives are bound to quarrel over trivial matters in life. It is best not to have overnight feuds, and when quarreling, it is best to discuss the matter instead of Let's settle old scores;
9) Both parties must ensure their loyalty to the marriage. The damage caused by extramarital affairs often takes a long time to repair;
10) Try not to let your parents get involved in your marriage, and always remain helpful in front of your parents and loved ones. I don't care about the attitude of not helping my relatives.
(pictures from the Internet, pictures and texts have nothing to do with it)
