The following article comes from You Wen He Sheng, and the author
Introduction
In 2021, under the difficult environment of repeated epidemics, outstanding partners launched a new brand project, the Intimate Parents Workshop, to create a field for in-depth sharing and communication between relatives and friends. Nearly a hundred relatives and friends attended Their children were admitted after attending the event.
In the recent Intimate Parents Workshop, for a day and a half, they expressed their inner pain, saw how other families lived, learned about sexual minorities, and gradually improved their relationship with their children.
The author of this article watched this event as a volunteer and wrote this article about his feelings about the event. Let us follow his perspective and see what happened at this event.
This article has a total of 4848 words
Estimated reading time is 13 minutes
The night before
You are a gay man who has been out for many years. Because of your status as a volunteer, you have participated in more than a dozen activities of various sizes with outstanding partners over the years. Although I have met all kinds of sexual minorities and parents, I have also accompanied some people seeking help. But because your mother has never been able to accept you very well and hopes that you can change, you always feel that you are getting farther and farther away from your family. You know that Excellent Partners has training activities for parents of sexual minorities, which are particularly effective. After the parents of some of your familiar volunteer friends participated, the parent-child relationship has been greatly improved. You have invited your mother to participate many times, but maybe due to various reasons - time, epidemic, and mother's resistance, you have been unable to achieve what you wanted. This time you signed up for the Intimate Parents Workshop in Guicheng, Foshan on June 18. A few days before the event started, your mother confirmed that she would not be able to attend this time, but was willing to participate in the next East China station. The organizer specifically allows you to observe and record the entire event and experience it yourself.
At 21:00 the day before the training, you go directly to the room after registering at the hotel front desk. On the ninth floor, as soon as you stepped out of the elevator, you heard many familiar voices in the corridor. You recognized that they were the voices of mothers chatting. Looking through the messages in the group, it turns out that Xiaoqiang’s mother held a tea party in her room tonight, and many parents attended. Coincidentally, Xiaoqiang's mother's room is next door to yours. You really hope to go in and take a look right away to see what the parents are talking about. But being alone, you were worried that your sudden arrival would attract special attention from the mothers, so you went back to your room to settle your luggage, and then went to tomorrow's training conference room to see if there was anything you could do to help. Then you and your colleagues took the fruit bought by Alex to Xiaoqiang’s mother’s room. There were two familiar faces in the room, very active parent volunteers - Xiaoqiang's mother and Feng's mother, who were also the teaching assistants for this training.
In addition, there are many new mothers, including Mother Kapok, Mother Quan, Mother Xiaobai, and Mother Liu who came from Guangzhou. And a woman born in the 1980s who looks like she is only in her 20s but is already a mother of three children - Tom's mother, with firm and confident eyes. There is also Alex, a bisexual woman who is leaning against the wall and in a somewhat depressed state. The mothers enthusiastically hope that Alex invites her parents to come to the room to chat together, but Alex’s parents are not particularly receptive yet and have clearly declined the invitation. The mothers understood this very well and said that there would be many opportunities to get along with each other in the future.
Tom’s mother just discovered in May that her 14-year-old son showed some signs of homosexuality. She took the initiative to talk to her son. After learning that her son had not yet confirmed whether he liked boys or girls, she was worried that the child would receive too much pressure. , is more afraid of labeling his children, and chooses to accompany his son with a more relaxed attitude. The next two months were almost frantic, day and night, searching for all the knowledge about sexual minorities on the Internet. Whether it's the "Guide to GAY Appreciation" on Station B, or gay Q&A, videos, etc. from Dr. Xingxing. She signed up this time without telling her children and family, and came from Shenzhen in the name of a business trip, hoping to get to know more similar families and real living homosexuals.During the chat, Tom's mother generously demonstrated to other parents her son's walking posture, chin support, and gestures in daily life, and everyone was amused. It was these behaviors that made her keenly aware of the difference in her son's sexual orientation.
I don’t want to remember you
The first session on the first morning was for everyone to get to know each other and talk about their children’s current coming out situation. More than 20 parents and 7 or 8 children participated. Mothers account for the majority of the parents, and there is no father who attends alone. Most of them are from Guangdong area, Guangzhou, Foshan , Zhuhai, Shenzhen and so on. There were also Lu’s parents who came from Shandong, and Alex’s parents who came from Urumqi. DA Hai, a gay man in Shanghai, asked his younger brother to accompany his mother from Meizhou to attend this workshop. The younger brother said that he and his mother came here to find a partner for his brother through this type of activity, and he also took the initiative to invite you to join. His brother’s WeChat~
Nuanyang’s mother first shared her ten-year journey of accepting her son. Then everyone is invited to introduce themselves in three sentences, and then briefly share their self-identity and coming out life stories. After a round of introductions, the young gay man Ah Chong was the first to remember everyone's names. He expressed the hope that every parent would name themselves not just after their children or their husbands, but also after their husbands. You can live the way you want and live your own life.
In the previous self-introduction, Alex’s mother was very resistant and indifferent. She didn’t speak from the moment she entered the door. Most of the time, she rested her forehead with her hands, and the mask covered most of her face. Even the first self-introduction was done by Alex’s father. Talking about his name and what he is proud of, Dad Wei from Shandong said that his nickname is not only because of the word "Wei" in his name, but also because he wants to protect his family and his children. Some mothers shared that they are best at cooking braised pork and their favorite songs to sing. Tom's mother said that Tom is her son's English name, which happens to be three letters, and she is most proud of having three children.
It seems that the speeches of the previous mothers and fathers revealed tolerance, "compromise" and even understanding and support for their children, and every word hurt Alxe's mother's heart. After Alex's father once again shared the origin of his nickname and what he was most proud of on behalf of the family, Alex's mother, who everyone thought would remain silent, took the initiative to take the microphone and stood up: "Let me say something too!" Facing everyone present, Alex's mother took the microphone and stood up. Everyone, her tone was full of determination: "I don't want to know you! I don't want you to remember me either! Sorry!"
The air seemed to condense briefly, and everyone in the venue looked at each other. Your heart tangled together for a moment, rising to your chest.
高山风如水
During the discussion between parents and children, Dad Wei in the group closest to you said: "There are many studies on homosexuality abroad. The first is anatomical evidence, which confirms that homosexuality is indeed the brain structure of Unlike heterosexuals, they cannot control their love for the same sex. In psychology, there is a view that a certain scene or event in childhood can affect sexual orientation. But the more authoritative and scientific statement is that sexual orientation is determined innately! There are even many children who blame their parents for being born this way. In our country in the 1970s and 1980s, they were enacted. Even some intimate "activities" take place in the toilet, which is so unsanitary and undignified. We should be grateful that our children are born in this era and be happy for their current environment! "
Your eyes moved slightly. Far away, in another group, Alex's mother also began to express her inner anguish to her heart's content. You look at her trembling back, trembling like a helpless child in a storm, full of grievances and struggles.Feng’s mother, who was in the same circle, carefully took a new mask from her bag, opened it and handed it to Alex’s mother, saying that this one was more comfortable to wear. Upon closer inspection, it turned out that the mask on Alex’s mother’s face was soaked with tears. Tom's mother, who was sitting opposite, also leaned forward and placed her palm on Alex's mother's leg. He kept saying: "I think you are really brave. You are in a much better state than you were just now. You release a lot of pressure by saying it. You are very courageous to say it all. You are really great!"
noon During the lunch, the children took the initiative to serve as volunteers. Some helped deliver the meals, some took the initiative to ask the parents what dishes they wanted, and some were responsible for serving soup. They also took the initiative to stay and help clean up the venue, and worked together to provide good services to the parents.
Stirring
Focusing on the self-identification, raising offspring, and partner life sections of sexual minorities, the organizer invited four pairs of guests to share their self-identification stories of gay men and bisexual women, raising children in lesbian families, and life of gay couples. It shows parents how sexual minorities get along in real life. The kids showed up and said they were just as good.
You helped children summarize the eight issues they were most worried about on the way to coming out. Among them, worrying that their parents and family members would not understand them was at the top of the list. The biggest worries on the part of parents are old age care, long-lasting and stable partnerships, and the legalization of same-sex marriage.
The two sides had a heated dialogue on the spot regarding the issues of elderly care and childbirth that both parties were very concerned about. They are not afraid of conflict and believe that only in conflict can they understand each other's truest thoughts. After Alex's mother expressed concerns about her daughter's future pension life, Shuangshuang, one of the "parents", asked Alex's mother: "What will you do about your daughter's pension in the future?" Alex's mother replied: "I don't need my daughter to support me in the future! She just needs to take care of herself. I have a pension, and Alexe's dad and I can take care of each other!" Sister Shuangshuang said: "Then why do you think Alex can't provide for yourself? If you buy insurance and have a pension, why can’t you meet your true love and support each other?”
Tom’s mother seems to be exuding divinity at the moment
The biggest source of homophobic discrimination is the family!
After several rounds of heated conversations, Tom’s mother, who was sitting in front of you and could no longer hold herself back, stood up: “According to survey reports from foreign public institutions, it was found that the biggest source of discrimination for sexual minority children is from their parents and family members. Discrimination. This phenomenon is also very common in China. This is a phenomenon that deserves attention. We must understand that we have become part of the discrimination against our children. Compared with the harm caused by society or schools, there are When our children are bullied outside, they should be able to return home and receive protection from their parents. Home is their haven. But many families often feel the opposite. No, there is something wrong with their own children. They first discriminate against their own children of sexual minorities. The harm can be huge and lifelong. A happy childhood can heal a lifetime, but an unfortunate childhood takes a lifetime to heal. If even we cannot understand them. , tolerate them, and use scientific knowledge to help them. Then who can we expect to accept them?”
What about the homosexuals from Guangzhou: “Loneliness is the eternal destiny of human beings, whether it is about old age or companionship? Well, the core problem is loneliness. People's biggest fear is actually fear of the future, fear of things that have not happened in the future, and when this thing exceeds their cognitive scope, people will always be even more afraid. It is lonely. No matter whether you have a partner or a child, or how many friends you have, you are always lonely in life. Through this afternoon's intense conversation, you can feel that every parent loves their children very much and your love for their children. It is very great and very powerful. But the power of love should solve discrimination, prejudice, and unfair treatment based on sexual orientation.Instead of solving those who are discriminated against, prejudiced, and treated unfairly! Parents can change the environment for their children and influence the people around them, which is a more valuable way to love them. Parents must respect their children's lives as independent individuals, rather than treating them as continuations and accessories of their own lives and imposing on them the life they want and the lifestyle they think is "correct".
After dinner, you and your parents discussed the movie "God Bless Bobby." Everyone expressed their thoughts in the group.
❤
and Understanding
In the second morning session, everyone shared their feelings and gains from learning yesterday. Telling about three issues to communicate with children after class. These three questions helped them understand their children better. Many parents realized that they never seemed to care about when their children knew they were sexual minorities, and that they had done things that their children would never forget. There were no longer only tears, there was laughter.
When the microphone comes to Alex's family. Alex’s mother took the initiative to take the phone and asked Alex who would speak first this time. Then Alex's mother stood up and gave everyone a sincere bow. Apologize to everyone: "Because I did not accept my daughter's bisexual identity before, I was very painful and resistant in my heart. My attitude yesterday morning was very bad. I want to say sorry to everyone. Over the past two years, we have talked to my daughter countless times. It seems that we have never heard what she is saying. Our communication always lingers in quarrels, accusations, anger and tears. We have never communicated with each other sincerely, so smoothly and comfortably like last night. For the first time, I know what my daughter is thinking. We can hug each other tightly."
Alex's father: "We used to ask our daughter to come over and talk in a commanding tone. After so many years, it feels like the most familiar stranger. Same. It's very painful and I can't understand it. I didn't have this opportunity until today. I'm very lucky that I came to this training with a defensive and questioning attitude. I just wanted to see what you were doing. What purpose. Now I understand, and I am very grateful. I think our family has gained the most from this training. "
At this moment, you look at Alex's family opposite, and you don't know since when. Take off the mask. A calm and composed smile appeared on her face, and her rolled up hair lay casually beside her ears. The feeling of finally being relieved made her body seem to become light and soft. She leaned on the back of her daughter's chair and quietly watched her husband's speech. Then he took his daughter's hand and put it on his lap, and the father also stretched out his hand. The family is tightly together~
There is a long road ahead~~You believe that their future must be related to happiness.
