My father is over seventy years old. Since he had a major operation two years ago, his health is not as good as before. He even has difficulty speaking and his sleep quality is very poor. Everything about his current situation is known through his mother's mouth. Isn’t it extremely unfilial!
My relationship with my father is that of a guest. Greet politely and treat others politely. Growing up, what I longed for most was to slowly get closer to my father, get into his heart, attract his attention, and give me an encouraging look and a warm embrace. It's a pity that I have never felt the warmth of my father's generous hand holding me, nor have I experienced the security of my father's arms, nor the happiness of lying on my father's back.
I envy my brothers and sisters. You can laugh and curse with your father and speak freely. Every time my mother asked me why I was hiding in a corner without saying a word, I wanted to blend into the atmosphere, but I always felt like there was a thin barrier in the middle and I couldn't find the entrance.
To this day I still don’t understand why my father always pushes me away, at least that’s how I feel. My mother would speak for my father from time to time. The situation forced me to do this. This is the excuse I have heard since childhood. I was placed in the care of my grandma when I was born. I don’t hate it, because the love of my grandma and aunt made my childhood not lonely, but sometimes when I wanted to call my parents, my parents were not around.
In my impression, my father rarely came to see me, not twice a year. Every time he came, he didn't ask me anything, just smiled. Most of the time, I just looked at him from a distance, with a sense of awe at a distance. Many times, my grandma would ask me to show my father my certificates of honor, certificates of honor, prizes, and transcripts, and share with him interesting stories about my reading. Just when I mustered up the courage and happily wanted to tell him about my outstanding deeds, he was busy entertaining several uncles and ignored my disappointment and the tears quietly sliding down the corners of his eyes. After saying less than ten words in total, he was about to go home. He didn't say hello to me, because every time I hid and secretly watched his leaving figure until he disappeared around the corner, until tears blurred my eyes.
I have always longed to be close to my father, but I was also afraid that he would not let me get close. In the first year of junior high school, there was a parent-teacher meeting and semester awards ceremony, and I ranked first in my grade. A rural kid just started studying in a county junior high school and was teased that he couldn't speak Mandarin. He pronounced the word "shi" as "fa" and "eat" as "qifan". No one expected that he would pass the grade test at the end of the first semester. First, a perfect score in each of the three subjects of Chinese, Mathematics and English. The head teacher and principal cordially invited my father to attend the parent-teacher meeting. I handed my father my certificate of award and honor, fully expecting him to agree to attend my parent-teacher conference. For the first time I longed for him to share my joy and my honor. But he refused and asked his uncle to participate in his place. As a result, my uncle had to go to work that day, and no one attended the parent-teacher meeting. I lay on the classroom table by myself and cried so sadly. Later, I no longer asked any parents to attend parent-teacher conferences, including those in high school, and they were quite peaceful.
Later, with the death of my grandmother, I completely became a wandering child. I was either in boarding school or staying at my uncle's house. Without my father's permission, I did not dare to return to his home rashly. Even in the year of my grandmother's death, I When he was crying and wanted to go home, he just said that school was about to start, so he could just follow his uncle back to the county town and go to school directly! I still can't figure it out. I'm so well-behaved and obedient, why my father still pushes me away and doesn't let me rely on him!
It has been almost ten years since I got married. Yes, I finally have a family and children of my own. The father was old and began to talk about his children. I rarely go back to see him, and I haven't even called him once in a month. Before every call, I have to think about the topic and what I want to say to him so as not to make the air on both ends of the phone go still. Every time he said a few innocuous words, he would call his mother. Then he chatted with his mother all over the place for dozens of minutes, while he worried about the phone bill and urged her to hang up.Some time ago, my mother told me that my father complained that I did not go back to see him or call him to greet him, but why were you so anxious to ask me to leave when I went back, and when I called you, you urged me to hang up the phone? Woolen cloth?
I used to look forward to being close to you, walking into each other's hearts, and merging the long-lost father-daughter relationship, but I don't know whether it was because of my timidity or my father's concerns, but there was always an insurmountable gap between us. On Father's Day , when I watched the thin and old father in the video, talking nonsense at every turn, I was so sad that I wanted to cry. Yes, he is old before he can fully feel his father's love. What more could I ask for? But I wish him good health and full family happiness!
My dear old father, let me use my daughter's love to get closer to you step by step. If you open your heart to me, I will rush into your arms. I just ask you not to push me away or abandon me anymore, okay?
