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My husband and I are a reorganized family. We each have a daughter. His daughter is 12 years old and my daughter is 7 years old.
chose to be with him at that time because of some of his psychological defects , after the divorce, I always feel that I have no confidence in living alone, and I am stuck with anxiety of loneliness and no destination. So I am very eager to have a partner who can fill my loneliness.
Having said that, I think it is necessary to talk about my native family first, because this is the cause of everything.
I was born in a small 18th-tier city, my parents are working in state-owned enterprises, and my family is considered a normal working class.
I have been recognized as a good girl since I was little, with good personality, good education, and good study. The neighbors like me very much, and envy my parents for having a daughter like me. But I didn't feel the superiority of being liked by everyone, because my dad had been very strict with me since I was a child, so that I, who should have become a "child of another person", have been living in the shadow of a "child of another person". No matter how well-behaved and hard I am, I don’t seem to be recognized by my dad. In his eyes, I will never be good enough and I can always be better.
And he treated me very rudely, he didn't hit or scold me, and he was completely impatient. Once,Because I mistakenly thought that I lost my mother’s key. In the middle of the night, he slapped me from my dream. When I woke up, I was stunned. Then I felt that my cheeks were wet. When I touched it, I found it was blood. . When he hit me, the watch on his wrist scratched my face. And just when he interrogated me, my mother's key was found. Afterwards, he did not apologize to me. I feel particularly wronged. The next day I also went to school with humiliation, and tried my best to cover my face with my hair so that my classmates would not notice.
At that time, our family lived far away from my school. During school, I lived at my grandma’s house next to the school. Originally, my good mother came back to my grandma’s house from get off work every day to accompany me, but I was always looking forward to it. My mother fell asleep in hope of going home. She often fell asleep until midnight and was awakened by a thunderstorm, but there was no mother by her side because her father asked her to go home with him. And that little me can only curl up in the quilt, letting tears of horror raging. This has also caused me to be afraid of thunder and rain even today.
The various native families have created my extremely unconfident and insecure character. At the same time, the heart is not strong enough and always longs to be protected. So, naturally, my marriage and love are not very smooth. Although when I grow up, I am slim, but I still can’t maintain a relationship for a long time. I am afraid of being alone and afraid of losing. When someone shows me a little bit better, I will devote myself to it. Go to give, go to catch. If you encounter a problem, you will go to extremes, either, you want to break up, or you want to die. I was very exhausted by myself, and I hated myself like this while being heartbroken.
As you can imagine, my first marriage started and ended in this cycle. I met my ex-husband in my first job after graduating from university. At that time, everyone was not burdened and he was able to chat. He was kind-hearted, honest, and caring for me. How could I bear this kind of love, and I soon talked to him. Together.
married for three years in love,After having a daughter, life has undergone tremendous changes, and the ex-husband's mother Baonan's side has become more and more obvious. When we had any conflict, he didn't have the ability to solve the problem. He always called his parents as soon as possible and asked the second elder to come to mediate. At such times, as a daughter-in-law who lives in another city, she is very aggrieved and helpless, and she is extremely disappointed in him.
Slowly, I feel that I am not married to him, but to their family. Every time I had a conflict with his parents, he never stood on my side. Whether right or wrong, the parents' point of view is his point of view.
It was a life like this until my daughter was 3 years old, and we were divorced. I can no longer stand such a life without self. I was completely involved and interfered by my parents, which made me feel suffocated.
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_p1p Feature, and eager to find a home for himself, to escape the control of his father.
It stands to reason that after the divorce, I should learn a lesson and stop entering into marriage in a hurry. But the fact is that I was not much mature than before marriage, and my heart was not much stronger than before marriage. It was still a mentality of seeking outwards, hoping that others would give me a sense of security and hope that others would love me. Maybe as long as you survive that period of time, it will be a different situation. But sadly, I didn't get through, so I hurried into the marriage.
My husband is more than ten years older than me.Because he hates Ma Baonan deeply, he feels that an older man like him will definitely be more mature. I did feel this when I first came into contact. In addition, my husband is also considered a graduate student from a well-known university. He is brilliant, halo effect is obvious, and he can see all my advantages and brilliance, and he does not hesitate to praise and encourage me. It is what I have been lacking since I was a child, so my inferiority complex feels very useful. So I thought at the time that he might be the man I wanted.
At the beginning, we also had various conflicts. As before, I would go to extreme evasion when encountering problems, either ran away from home or clamored for a divorce. He is not to be outdone, and will say a lot of hurtful things. But also under the temper of these conflicts, I learned that marriage is not a child's play. Good marriages are all developed by mutual running and growing together. So my mind gradually matured, I became more calm when facing problems, and I was able to analyze the pros and cons and solve problems like an adult.
But everything is flawed, and marriage is the same. After all sorts of running-in, the biggest flaw left by our marriage may be the education of children.
When I met my husband at the time, I felt that he was knowledgeable and good at learning. He should be more appropriate in thinking and concepts in cultivating children. Unexpectedly, such a person has a very pedantic view of education. Because of the divorce, he feels owed to his daughter, so he is very doting and has no principles. Our contradictions are increasing day by day in the bit of his doting on his daughter.
husband is a person who has outstanding personality, but is kind to others. He has a very strong sense of family, and he is very caring about children. So his original intention was to try his best to be a good father, but he used the wrong strength.
parents’ beloved son,The plan must be far-reaching. As a mother, this sentence has always been my way of mothering. Parents all love their children, but what is sound and correct love is not necessarily understood by all parents. Parent-child relationship tends to be separated. Parents who are fortunate enough to participate in a process of life growth also have the responsibility to teach their children the ability to live independently and face the world independently. Every life has the right to live according to his own ideas, but the width and quality of this choice are closely related to the guidance given by parents since childhood. I have always believed that responsible parents, the love for their children must be both acceptance and rules. But my husband only achieved the former and accepted it completely, but couldn't do the latter and set rules for the child.
He has always pursued the concept of happy education. He believes that children as long as they are healthy and happy. When we met his child was 9 years old. After getting along for a while, I discovered that the child has many minor problems, such as impoliteness, poor self-care ability, willfulness, what to buy, and what is more serious is that she has no idea about learning and seeking knowledge. No enthusiasm, no self-discipline at all, and no self-drive. It is conceivable that her academic performance is naturally not good.
Although I also know that I am not her mother, many friends have told me that it’s good to take care of your children, and don’t interfere with his children. But out of a mother’s instinct and seeing all kinds of children, I will also worry about her future. If this continues, her social skills, emotional intelligence, and even survivability will be very problematic in the future. Her life must be It is difficult to obtain happiness and joy. Therefore, I summoned up the courage to tell my husband that the child's education method may have to be adjusted. Over-indulgence can only satisfy her with superficial and short-term happiness, but cannot experience profound and long-term happiness.
Unexpectedly, a piece of my kindness was treated as a donkey liver and lungs. My husband thought I was stabs, looking for fault, and deliberately struggling with the child. My grievance, my kindness, isn't it all about worrying about the future of the child? Isn't it also hope that she will have the ability to earn a living, love and happiness in the future?
and that’s it,Because of the child’s problems, I often have things I can’t stand and can’t bear, so I dare to raise them again and again, hoping that he can improve, but without exception, every time we end up in a violent quarrel. Slowly, I also felt very hurt and aggrieved, and felt that my kindness was trampled on. Slowly, he controlled his mouth and stopped talking.
So stepmother is hard to behave, it's true. Even if your intention is good, because of your special status, you will be directly labeled as negative.
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In the 2020 epidemic, the opening of schools was delayed, and children were all online classes at home. In fact, this is a great challenge to children's self-discipline. If you don’t usually develop good study habits and study at home for a few months, there will be a big gap between self-discipline and unself-disciplined children. At that time, I happened to be absent from work at home just because I quit my job, so I observed her entire online class process. During the period, I found that her behavior was a little abnormal, so I thought about it again and again and talked to her father.
Actually, in order to avoid conflicts, I can close my eyes, but the sense of responsibility of a mother does not allow me to do so. I reminded him that he might have to look at the tablet for children's online lessons.
This time, he finally adopted my suggestion, but I didn’t know the result. I was shocked at first glance. The children spend a lot of time on playing games and chatting online.And still chat with strangers who are very dangerous. The content of the chat let us fall through.
husband finally realized the child's problem, he was very angry, but he resisted it and did not dare to get angry with the child. After tolerating it for a day, maybe the mood has adjusted, and then I talked with the child calmly.
Since then, he has indeed gradually realized that many of my suggestions are correct and require attention. But it is too difficult for him and the child to really implement this kind of ruled love.
After the epidemic ended and returned to school, the child often came back and said that the test scores were very good, with more than 90 points. Her father was very happy and felt that the child's performance was improving rapidly, and it should be that her education had effect. But keenly, I think this is precisely the problem. With my performance level before the epidemic and my attitude toward learning during the epidemic, I don't quite believe in the result of this "rapid improvement".
So I secretly consulted a few friends, including elementary school teachers and parents of children of the same age. The feedback I got was that studying at home during the epidemic had a great impact on the children’s psychology. The education department said Mainly maintaining stability and advocating not to put too much pressure on the children, so the exams are very simple, and the result shows the "illusion" that the children's test scores have greatly increased. Wise parents should understand this situation and guide their children. Not only does the husband not have it, but he continues to be immersed in the illusion that the child is making great progress. Until graduation from elementary school.
Xiaoshengchu is the first hurdle in life. Although the choice of junior high school cannot determine life, it also has a certain influence. Before the lottery, the child’s father received a call from a school’s enrollment teacher to fight for students, because this school is a new school.It is only the second year of enrollment this year, and there is no graduation data, so there are very few students enrolled. However, the father of the child who received the call wishfully believed that the school called for it because the child was excellent. Well, I'm speechless, after all, he has been living in this illusion for a long time. You can never wake up a person who pretends to be asleep.
The day after he received the call, he took his child to the school to take the test. As you can imagine, the result of the test was very bad. In the child's own words, she did not do most of the questions. I saw the loss in the eyes of the child.
When children experience setbacks, it is also the time to inspire children to face the gap, find the right goal, and work hard for it. I thought that this opportunity should not be missed, so I once again plucked up the courage and talked with my husband heartily.
I said that I hope he can look at the level and position of the child from this exam, and should give her corresponding guidance and help. The difficulty of learning in junior high school is a step higher than that in elementary school. If the basic foundation of elementary school is too poor, she will be very strenuous by that time. Take advantage of the summer vacation time, let the children review and review, and strive to start school to smoothly connect to the difficulty of junior high school.
After all the previous things, my husband has accepted my suggestions more and more, and also bought back the review materials, so that the children's vacation will not be wasted. Unsurprisingly, it was thunder and rain again this time, and the information I bought back during the holiday was never opened. In this way, the child played "happily" throughout the summer vacation. Perhaps the only gain is that the level of the game has improved.
The school started to organize a preliminary examination to understand the level of the children, and the results of the examination once again sounded the alarm to him. For this he himself sighed all day,But I have a kind of helplessness to hate iron but not steel.
4
As the saying goes, ten years of trees, a hundred years of trees, and the first ten years of life is the time when the three views are shaped. The 12-year-old child has formed his own consciousness and cognition, and needs to be corrected. It's very difficult. Seeing her from 9 to 12 years old, the best time of parenting was so wasted. Although I am not her mother, I still feel sorry for her. After all, children are innocent, and parents should bear the main responsibility.
The responsibility of parents is not only to keep their children full and warm, healthy and happy, but also to establish the correct three views and upbringing for their children. Dare to discipline is also a kind of responsibility. Human nature is weak and lazy, and education is the process of anti-human nature, which is to let us learn how to overcome the weaknesses in human nature, to stand firm in this world, respect others, and gain respect. And the children who are spoiled, these abilities are very lacking.
The more spoiled parents are, the more selfish the children are. This is proven by countless cases.
from my husband and daughter,It can be clearly seen that unconditionally satisfying a child will only make her fail to appreciate her parents' love. He often instigates his parents at will, loses his temper if he doesn't agree with him, shuts down the phone without answering the phone and so on. She is often unhappy because her happiness is short-lived. She will be happy when she meets her requirements. When she is not satisfied, she will be unhappy; indulge her, be happy, and control her unhappy. Instead of doing everything, I haven't tried any commitment, and I haven't tried to stick to one thing for a long time, so I don't even have the courage to overcome the difficulties in learning.
Will children like this really be happy? I find it difficult. Every lasting happiness must be through hard work, sweat, and even tossing and turning for it, and the belt becomes wider, and the final sense of accomplishment is a richer and more profound happiness.
Although I have never had a paternal love since I was a child, I once felt regretful, wronged and even annoyed. I resent that my father never gave me this kind of warm fatherly love. It takes a lifetime to leave my childhood Healed wounds. Today, I have gradually let go. Behind these wounds, a strong underlying structure has formed to support my entire life, making me independent, tough, brave and tenacious since I was young. Proper education allows me to be considerate and respectful of others, and to gain respect from others. My keen insight makes my heart clear, and my empathy and perseverance make me more frustrated and courageous when encountering difficulties. I think these benefits have far outweighed the harm. At least I have the ability to choose my life, and have the ability to control my life. Only with the right to choose can you have a calm life.
Therefore, it is conceivable that our educational philosophy for children is completely contradictory. However, after three years of getting along, many of my previous suggestions have gradually been verified by facts to be correct. I think my husband should also understand very well in his heart, but it may be because of his affection that he is unwilling to admit that his way is wrong, nor The way you are willing to admit him will hinder your child's life. The current way of treating children is the same as before, and then sighing when encountering problems, always repeating this way.I think I saw an incompetent and powerless father, and I saw his escape and inability to bear.
Seeing this too, I feel more and more disappointed in my husband.
So now I am a little confused. Whenever I see my husband doting on his daughter without principle, I get very angry. I have analyzed three reasons for myself: First, I have never had such a father’s love since I was young, and I feel jealous; second, my daughter distracted all his attention. Basically, when my daughter was there, he would not pay attention to me. I felt that I was affected. Third, I don’t agree with his parenting style, and I am worried about my daughter being spoiled.
I always want to leave it alone, don’t care about it, but I can’t help but get angry. I don't know how our relationship will develop in the future, and I don't know if one day I will file for divorce because I can't bear it.
Gai Wei, do you think my psychology is also very problematic? How can I adjust to control myself? How can I be a stepmother?
Gai Wei's reply:
", span1, span1, span1, span4, span4, span_span_span_span_span4) , Li Bingbing, Fan Bingbing These six women constitute and have been occupying the strongest lineup of female stars in mainland China for the last 20 years (see Baidu entry) .
What surprised me most was Zhang Ziyi.
The accident is not her "bad", but her "good".
originally thought she was the most exquisite and self-interested, but now it seems that she is the best wife and mother.
She turned the prodigal son back, and she was a role model for her stepmother, which was really impressive.
It can even be said that this is the most successful woman.
Where does her success come from?
I think, first of all, there is love, love life extremely. Set goals for your own life, and don't stop until you reach the goal.
Secondly, there is energy, she is like a small universe, full of energy, first change herself, and then change others.
The third is virtue. Of course, great virtue is not a small mistake.
In fact, any successful person has love and ability, and how far he can go lies in virtue.
Of course,Take "Four Dans Double Ice" as an example, each of them will think that they have virtue, but the standards of virtue are different.
For example, Zhao Wei, perhaps people are talking about "Western bourgeois morality", making money is moral, regardless of what money can be made, what money cannot be made, and what money is made is harmful to society. It's good to be personally cool, no matter what the flood behind it is.
And Zhang Ziyi insists on the traditional Chinese virtues. Her persistence has almost helped her get a full mark. Among these six people, if whoever votes the most popular now, she must be none other than her.
The more dazzling you are, the more you must emphasize virtue. From another perspective, virtue can not only protect your career, but also add luster to yourself.
how to harvest virtue? As with career, doing what others don't, and achieving what others can't do.
How many people can make the prodigal come back? How many people can be good stepmothers?
The great difficulties and challenges seen by others are huge opportunities in the eyes of loving, capable, and virtuous people. Only by overcoming difficulties can you achieve yourself. Success in the world is all like this , There has never been one who can easily lie down and win.
Among high-powered people, I never know what to complain about.
here,I have to insert a sentence: The Huo brothers in Hong Kong, really have a foresight!
After talking about Zhang Ziyi, let's talk about the heroine of this article.
The hostess, like Zhang Ziyi, likes married life. This is a premise.
Choosing marriage means choosing a traditional life.
If the heroine divorces and then marries, it will be married three times with three husbands.
The Chinese say that there are only three things. Mambo is not good, and straight men are not good. What kind of man should be the third type? Do you still have confidence in your third marriage?
So I think that not only the hostess, but all divorced people who choose to remarry, then you must say to yourself in your heart: This is your last marriage. A good woman does not marry three times.
A woman who marries three times, even if you are really fine, then in the eyes of others, you also have a problem.
If it's all right, why can't you get along with anyone?
including your husband,When defining that you have a problem, he will not compromise with you. How can the right give way to the wrong?
So, first of all, the female protagonist must not be divorced. Even if he is a pile of shit, you have to eat it on your knees. Who will let you choose him?
Looking back, the most important thing for a female protagonist is to threaten divorce when she quarrels.
This is actually very stupid. Of course a smart husband will not be fooled.
If you give in as soon as you say divorce, it is equivalent to letting you master the atomic bomb: when there is a conflict, you will threaten it, and when you threaten it, you will compromise. Then this kind of life is impossible.
husband did not let the heroine succeed, indicating that this husband is very good, this is the real responsibility for the marriage.
From this, we can judge that there is still much room for improvement in the heroine's ability, love, and tolerance.
In their marriage, the male protagonist should dominate, and the female protagonist should repair it.
Patching is of course also very important, just like writing articles-good articles are modified.
So the second one,I think that the female lead gave herself a correct position, "I became the person who led him to face and solve problems", so get rid of this thought.
Once you put yourself in the position of leader, then he will have to listen to you everything. If you don’t listen, you will be anxious and painful, and you will want to get divorced. Go back to the above mode. .
This is a perfect "noisy family mode", where the hostess complains about her husband and her father, but it is her own demon who is doing it.
From low self-esteem to self-confidence is good, and from self-confidence to arrogance is the opposite.
Finally, let’s talk about being a stepmother.
I have no right to speak on this issue, I can only say it is a discussion.
Set rules for children, not to spoil them. I strongly agree with them. I basically agree with the education and guidance of the female lead on foster daughters.
I insisted on the right, why are you still anxious and crazy?
Why did the children listen when Zhang Ziyi spoke?
She is very good B!
Example is better than words.
So for the hostess, I suggest that you stick to your own educational philosophy, fight with your husband and adopted daughter without breaking, and at the same time, be a better self and use your body to convey your own Ideas, not just "words".
Set an example, "Peaches and plums are not spoken, but the next one is self-cultivation", I think this is the best and most ingenious education.
If you like my article, please add attention and comment.......
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