-interlaced is like a mountain.
According to this calculation, then in the concept of parenting, the generation is like a Pacific Ocean!
There will always be friction between novice parents and old people with children because of the different educational concepts of .
Recently, because of the epidemic, many parents brought their children back to their hometowns for the New Year. Old and new parents were "forced" to stay in the same room and watch the children together for a long time. The emotional boat was repeatedly capsized by different parenting concepts.
Recently, Xiong’s best friend Xiaolin is the mother who was tortured by the parenting concept of the previous generation. She often sent WeChat spit in the middle of the night:
raised a Chinese pissed baby
Grandma. The pissed baby
Xiaobao is over 4 years old. It was when established order , his grandma did everything he was still young, he was still a child
and raised a Chinese pissed baby
Dabao was in the third grade , It is time for to cultivate self-confidence, , his grandmother does not move, makes him obedient indiscriminately, scolds children not good, and wants to fight
. In fact, young parents and the older generation have conflicting educational concepts. Both are scientific parenting vs experience parenting .
For example, young parents will pay more attention to their children's mental health and character shaping; while the older generations will disagree and think that their children will grow up.
According to unofficial surveys, on average, 4 out of 10 households at have the situation where the elderly and young parents are "against" in raising children. In addition, 70% of parents also raised the issue of "old people with children, children’s habits are difficult to cultivate".
After complaining about a lot of grandma’s "exotic childcare deeds", confidante Xiaolin reluctantly said to her mother Xiong: "I don’t listen to what you say, and don’t do it. I think you don’t understand anything. What to do."
01
feeding vs. self-eating
Many families often see this scene:
is walking around the house with a small bib, and the grandparents who carry a bowl of rice are behind the ass and the grandparents holding a small Spoon, kept saying: , "Hey, take another bite, one last bite! "
For many grandparents, it is irresponsible to let the children eat by themselves , but "feed the children" This is the way to take care of the children and save time and effort.
After all, the feeding process is in the hands of adults, saves the trouble of cleaning up the debris, and can also control the amount of food the child eats to avoid losing control.
and the child eats independently? Children will eat on the head, the floor, and the clothes without mentioning them, picky eaters, and only eat junk food is also a matter of madness for parents.
At first glance, it seems that feeding children is the way to save time, effort and worry, but what is the result of feeding?
is often , "fed one mile, and feed five, six, seven or eight years" .
leads to every meal, can be seen or even coaxed, or angry feeding scene. In the next few years, when parents discover that other children can already use tableware to eat in kindergarten, their own children's ability to eat independently has just started.
As children grow up, when they have autonomy and independence , they will instinctively resist parental control.
What if you let your child exercise and eat independently at the beginning?
Perhaps when the child was young, parents had to work hard to clean up the mess caused by the food war.
However, after proper guidance and rules and regulations are established for children, they can reap great benefits.
For example, children learn to eat by themselves , which solves the troubles of adults chasing and feeding every meal;
such as children 's pride in eating independently since childhood ;
, such as hand-eye coordination practiced in the process of using tableware , Hand fine motor ability ;
go to kindergarten, but also to avoid being rejected by teachers and classmates .
The most important thing about
is that autonomous eating is a process of active learning and active perception of the world, while passive feeding is a cognitive process that passively accepts, compels, and strips the child's self-perception.
Active pursuit and passive acceptance are two completely different ways of cognition. Over time, these different ways of cognition will make the difference between children drastically different.
02
live/shut down the child vs patient communication
When my girlfriend Xiaolin and I complained about the baby, she mentioned something she couldn’t accept:
every time Xiaobao bumps, grandma hurries over to help the table, what Bad, the table tripped our little treasure ", what " hit it, hit it, it's the cabinet door that made our little treasure knock on it. "
and every time little treasure cries, grandma is also perfunctory. Mainly. For example, when a child does not want to shave her hair in accordance with the custom, grandma will coax the child: "Come here, grandma won't shave your head, okay? Z6z Grandma has candy for you. "
and my girlfriend feels that the child bumps It is not the fault of the table and chair to get to the table and chair. Grandma should not blame the table and chair for making the child hurt, but should teach the child how to avoid touching the table and chair. The same is true for the shaving incident. You can’t directly deceive the child not to shave and let the child give up resistance, and finally forcefully shave his head.
Actually, this involves the conflict of parenting concepts common between young parents and the elderly.
That is, when children cry, behave badly, and do not meet the expectations of parents , we should "coax and coax, so as to quickly arrest the child" or "severely scold or even beat and scold, so as to quickly suppress "Live the child", or "squat down, hug the child, and patiently explain to him."
Bear mother can often see the first situation. For example,
is a child who is throwing around in a shopping mall, and a parent who fights on the side;
is for example to coax a child and give the child a blank check to stop the child from being unbehaved. The initial effect of
was indeed remarkable. Even when was in public, Xiong’s mother also supported the emergency to take the child to "escape the battlefield" quickly, so as to prevent the child from slopping and rolling and affecting others.
However, the problem is that after the method is used too much, parents have an illusion that this is the only correct way.
The child is emotionally frustrated, dissatisfied with crying, coaxing; the child is unwilling to do something, resists and does not cooperate, and scolds.
If things go on like this, lacks correct communication and guidance. Children will think that they can coerce their parents with crying, or they no longer have trust in their parents’ perfunctory carelessness. What’s more serious is that when facing parents who support the use of force to suppress their children, their children still May produce resentment and make it more difficult to discipline.
Those parents who have "externalized" his mistakes since childhood, coaxing the grown-up children, always think that they are right, and cultivate children with so-called self-discipline; and those parents who have been violently suppressing their children since childhood, treating their children's emotions rudely, After growing up, she has seen too many children who are sensitive in heart and develop a pleasing personality.
The reason is that the child’s emotional exposure is only the appearance, patiently communicate with the child, sincerely understand the child’s feelings, resolutely adhere to the principle, and the communication method that does not compromise to unreasonable demands is seemingly troublesome, but in fact it is more able to grasp the child’s growth Every key point on the road is also easier to penetrate the child's heart and truly understand the child.
and squeezing / calming the child, after all, is just a way to quickly stop the child from expressing emotions.
Those slaps and coaxes are exchanged for a long-term battle of wits and parent-child relationship.
and patience and persistence in exchange, is the child's calm temperament, abide by the rules, easy to communicate.
03
It is best not to be out of the ordinary vs encourage children to try
Every time a bear mother takes her children to hobby classes and participates in some parent-child activities, she can always accurately find those grandparents who are brought up by a group of children.
isChildren who are spoiled for generations, and those children who are brought up by the grandparents of under the "better not to go beyond" education mode, are also particularly different among children. The old people at
, especially those with deep traditional concepts, often adhere to 's idea of "being good, obedient, and not going out of line" when it comes to bringing children. They are not good at guiding children in a scientific and creative way. They always stop from the "troubleshooting" and "destroying" exploratory behaviors of young children because of curiosity.
For example, Xiong Ma’s family treasure, toy car is simply a consumable for him. He always buys one and disassembles one. Every time I dismantle, he yells "I want to see what looks inside the car", and often chases I asked my father how to assemble it back to .
In this regard, Grandma Dabao wants to stop and criticize the child every time she sees it. Because I feel that dismantling the toy car is deliberately messing up and destroying, it must be corrected immediately so that Dabao learns to play with the toy car correctly.
and Xiong Ma felt that it didn't matter, so she simply bought assembly toys such as Lego and engineering vehicles to completely satisfy Dabao's desire for structural exploration.
The mother bear has talked about it before, in fact, hands-on exploration is a very common expression of curiosity for young children , just like learning to eat independently is a way of exploring the world, children being active and taking risks is also a process of understanding the world. For example,
is in the process of disassembling a toy car in Dabao:
observed the structure of a toy car ;
felt the different composition of the toy car ;
he found that the original parts and parts are different in assembly. Causes different effects ;
he understands that there are many things behind the surface of things carry everything;
he has an opportunity to gain a sense of accomplishment through observation and exploration. Z1z
can even help Dabao bring some basic knowledge of mathematics and physics to with a little guidance.
What a great attempt for children.
04
The elderly at home just don’t listen, what should I do?
There is a good and a bad side to the elderly with children.
There are endless posts on the Internet that complain about conflicts in parenting concepts from older generations. Just find a mother to make a conversation, and the mothers’ complaints will reach 99+ messages every minute. The most critical problem of
is : "You are right, but the elderly in the family just don't listen, what should I do? Z6z"
Young parents think that the older generations are unscientific in raising children, and the older generations cannot understand it. The various practices of young parents. This phenomenon of
may be a matter of forbearance for parents who only get together with the elderly during the Chinese New Year.
However, is for some dual-career families and second-child families. Adults go out early and return to make money every day, and there is no condition to ask a nanny. It is the most suitable choice for to entrust the children to the care of the elderly. In this case, it is very necessary for young parents to change the elderly's parenting mentality.
So, how can let two generations under the same roof promote a united front in the matter of bringing a baby?
No.1
understand
First of all, young parents should understand and consider the practices of older parents as much as possible.
borrowed a quote from Li Dan: "When we have a conflict of ideas with our parents, what we have to think of is that China is developing too fast, and our parents can rely on their outdated Concepts, in their time, it was already the most advanced concept. If they didn’t nurture us like that, we might not even survive. Z6z"
China’s development is changing with each passing day. The way parents raised us back then is now It seems that many are indeed backward and unscientific, but that doesn't mean that they don't love their children, or that they just want their children to be bad.
If we want a solution, the first thing we have to do is to understand these practices of parents.
No.2
Communication
When maintains a consensus that "we all want to be good to children" , we can communicate more with the elderly.
Goal: clarifies the purpose and unites the front.
must first realize that the purpose of parenting together with the elderly is the same, and both love children.
second level of belief (Belief): understand each other and express gratitude.
It is not an obligation for the elderly to take care of their children, but to help. Parents must thank the elderly for their care and love for their children.
The third level of action (Action): proposes a plan, allowing different.
When parents no longer criticize and criticize the elderly, they choose to thank the elderly for their contributions, and the elderly are more willing to cooperate and try the new methods proposed by their parents.
No.3
triggers thinking
When facing the conflict of ideas of the elderly, not only "tell them", more importantly, "inspire them" .
For example:
popularize knowledge in a way that the elderly can accept.
takes out the printed reading materials, draws key words with a highlighter, and shows them to the elderly.
recognizes short-term effects and inspires thinking about long-term effects.
"The short-term effects will definitely make us adults a little easier, but the long-term consequences will be that children will become addicted, lose their attention, and can't control themselves... and they will lose their temper at us, right?"
pay attention, when our words change When I, "you" and "you" slowly become "us", it is the process by which parents win "on the same front" with their elders. Only in this way can the elderly be more active in cooperating with us.
Two generations of different ages and different growth environments (three generations including children), it is inevitable that there will be frictions in the process of living together.
But in fact, the two generations are exactly the same when it comes to loving children.
Therefore, please cherish the parents who help you with your children at home, understanding and respect is the best way to express love.
"I'm watching" give me a little yellow flower
