「 As parents, we want to keep our children’s ears, so that they can listen to our suggestions, so we have to learn to be patient, adjust our mentality, and find effective entry points and expressions. 」
When I was sorting out the comments, I saw a mother saying that her children were slow to do things. There was not much homework, but they had to wait until after ten o'clock every day to finish it! I urge him in various ways every day, but his voice is broken and he is still slow. What should I do?
After having a detailed chat with her, I found out that her family looks like this every day:
Wake up in the morning:
I can’t stand the first call, then hum and chirp back to you after the second call, and then get up reluctantly after the third call, squinting my eyes and taking my time to get dressed.
Go home to do your homework:
I procrastinate in writing my homework. Within 5 minutes of sitting down, I started asking for water, wanted to eat fruit, and wanted to go to the toilet. Originally I didn't have much homework, so I had to wait until eight or nine o'clock to finish it.
To urge you to sleep at night:
It’s almost 10:30, and my son is still nestled on the sofa watching cartoons. No response after urging her, but she would become anxious if she urged her again.
Regarding this matter, as a person involved, I also have a deep understanding of it. When I was a child, I was urged by all kinds of things every day for a long time.
Have you woken up? without. --quick!
Have you finished your homework? without. --quick!
Have you finished your meal? without. --quick!
At first, when my mother lost her temper, I would do whatever I needed to do. Later, I gradually got used to this urging, and I began to confront my mother in my mind. I agreed with my mouth, but my body was very honest - I wouldn’t move!
is as smart as my mother, but suddenly she stopped urging me. (To be honest, I was a little uncomfortable with it at first)
My mother later said:
When should you do something? I repeated it every day since you were in kindergarten. I think you were already in fourth grade at that time, and you were not stupid. How could you not know your priorities?
If I continue to push it day by day, the final result is likely to be counterproductive.
Ever since my mother gave up the "pushing" mode, our family has changed. Whether we are doing homework or not, we are both loving and filial!
This is how I do my homework:
My mother has gone from nagging her to doing whatever she wants. She no longer keeps shouting "Oh, that's wrong" or "Oh, hurry up and write". Instead, she coolly gives me a sentence: "Writing homework is your own business. You have to take care of yourself." You are responsible for your own affairs. If it is time to go to bed, you are not allowed to finish writing. I will go to school and explain to the teacher tomorrow. "
My little calculation is: "How can I tell the teacher that I have not finished my homework? It seems that I must write it quickly, otherwise I will be criticized by the teacher."
When I watch TV without sleeping, it looks like this:
"Tutu, how many more minutes are you going to watch?"
"I will watch for another 5 minutes. "Okay?"
"Okay, my girl will keep her word. She will turn off the TV when the time comes. "
Yes, when the time is up, I will take the initiative to turn off the TV and go to bed. (My thought is, my mother didn’t bother me! She even praised me for being honest and trustworthy. How could I say no?)
There have been more things like this. My self-control has also improved, my sense of time has gradually increased, and I have begun to become more conscious and proactive. From to now, I have a habit of "finishing today's work, today", and I don't have any sequelae of procrastination at all.
Nowadays, people always ask me what should I do if my child is dawdling? I would advise him to be more patient and provide correct guidance, which will be more effective than urging or scolding.(Although sometimes parents really can’t bear it)
● Many children’s dilly-dallying is actually caused by us
When children are slow in doing things, we can’t help but urge them.
But in fact, our urging often has the opposite effect!
Let’s look back at the example mentioned at the beginning of the article: the child stayed on the sofa watching animation until about 10 o’clock, and was urged three times before he would sleep obediently.
So here comes the question: Do children really not know that they should be ready to wash and go to bed at 10:30?
According to the editor’s personal experience, children actually understand these rules. The reason why he stayed still was because he had developed immunity and dependence on his mother's long-term nagging and urging.
When his mother urged him for the first time, he didn't care at all, because she knew that her mother was just getting a vaccination and would urge him again anyway, so he continued to watch TV with peace of mind;
When his mother urged him for the second time, he didn't care. When he read it for the second time, he was a little prepared and had a premonition that his mother might get angry, so he took the last moment to watch it for a while;
When his mother urged him for the third time, he knew that his mother was really angry and he would really get beaten if he didn't go to bed, so he got up to wash up and get ready for bed.
As time goes by, the standard for children to do things is not "what time should be done", but "does the mother remind them?"
What is urgent is what mom urges. Don’t take the initiative to do anything if mom doesn’t urge.
In fact, parents can try to slowly stop nagging and coaxing. When giving instructions to their children, the content should be simple and clear, the attitude should be kind, and the tone should be firm: "Baby, it is already 10 o'clock. Mom allows you to watch the last 5 minutes. You must start washing after 5 minutes. Do you understand?"
● No one in life can be in the starting position at all times
Some parents are used to shouting "1, 2, 3". This method occasionally works, but it doesn't work often. In life, no one can be in the starting position at all times.
Whenever there is a need to count down, it is necessary to reflect on: why the child does not take action, whether it is unable to stop halfway, whether it is not seeing the overall situation, and how I can improve. For example, negotiate in advance and leave the matter to the children to manage on their own.
● The more parents help, the more stubborn their children are.
Some parents think their children are slow to eat, so they feed their children instead of letting them eat by themselves; they think their children’s desks are messy, so they help their children clean them up; they think their children are slow to get dressed and are afraid of being late for school, so they help their children. Putting clothes on...
Although parents have good intentions, every time they do something for their children, they deprive them of an opportunity to exercise and grow. In the end, other people's children can feed and dress themselves, but our children have to be fed and helped to dress.
Moreover, parents do too much for their children.
It will also breed serious dependence in children.
If you don’t want to do something, just don’t do it.
If you want to dawdle, just dawdle.
Anyway, there are parents following behind to "wipe their butts"
In fact, there are only so many things that children can use to exercise when they grow up. If you do 80% for your child, the child will only have 20% of the room for growth; if you only do 20% for the child, then the child will have 80% of the room for growth.
Therefore, true love for children is not to care for them endlessly, but to let them face the wind and rain appropriately and grow up as soon as possible.
● Correct guidance is more effective than urging and scolding
1. Some children are dilly-dallying because they have no sense of time.
This is also a very common situation, because children really don’t know how long the “5 minutes”, “half an hour” and “one hour” mentioned by adults are.
So, you yelled at your child angrily: "Hurry up, you'll be late in 5 minutes!" But the child thought that 5 minutes was a long period of time, and continued to do whatever he was supposed to do slowly.
In this situation, parents can use a timer or alarm clock to help.
When you ask your child to "wash your face in 5 minutes" and "write new words in 10 minutes", set the corresponding time so that the child can experience how long "5 minutes", "10 minutes" and "half an hour" are in real life.
2. The reason why some children dawdle is that they are not interested in what their parents ask them to do and deliberately dawdle to express their dissatisfaction.
In this case, you need to have a good communication with your child and ask him why he doesn't like it, and then you can discuss it together to see if there is a better solution.
3. Some children dilly-dally because they lack concentration.
When doing homework, I look around and drink water and go to the toilet, which seriously affects my efficiency.
Regarding this situation, it is recommended that parents ask their children on the way to pick up their children from school what homework they have, which one they want to do first and which one they want to do last, and have a plan in their heads in advance.
When you get home, you don’t have to rush to do your homework first. You need to make sure you eat, drink water, eat fruit, and go to the toilet quickly, and then start doing your homework. You are no longer allowed to eat casually while doing your homework.
Over time, this can slowly improve the child's time planning ability, protect the child's attention, and improve efficiency.
● Try to leave things to the children to manage themselves
When you can’t shout at your child, you should reflect on whether you are giving too many instructions and too much control to your child.
If we can give children autonomy and space
encourage him to do things independently
judge, choose and decide for himself
leave the things that belong to him to him
only appears when your opinions and reminders are really needed.
Then, your opinions and reminders
will get more respect.
Everyone hates being urged. Parents' urging often arouses children's resentment. Therefore, try to leave things to the children to manage themselves. For example, using an alarm clock or timer to replace your supervision and urging will definitely be more effective.
Whether we like it or not, raising children is a process of slow work and meticulous work. The more hasty it is, the less effective it will be.
As parents, if we want to keep their ears and make them listen to our suggestions, we must learn to be patient, adjust our mentality, and find effective entry points and ways of expression.
Many times, when we relax and have a simple and decisive attitude, many things become clearer!
