Anyone who has children at home must have had this experience: You try your best to find learning methods for your children, but they don’t use it even if you try your best.
So, we will continue to look for facts, evidence, and reasoning to prove that "my method is very useful", but you will find that "the child knows that you are right and that you are doing it for his own good."
It feels like you are trying so hard to find a "dragon-slaying knife" for your child, but the child abandons it and goes into battle with a "small kitchen knife" to kill the enemy.
Then why do children know you are right but don’t do it?
said in "The Power of Knowledge and Action" "Many people think that persuasion mainly relies on facts, that is, 'I am right'. This is a very dangerous idea and may bring both parties to a deadlock: even if you say everything is correct, the two parties are in an emotionally opposed state."
By the way, the book "Knowledge and Action" is not about persuasion, but helps us solve "Why do we understand a lot of truths, but can't live this life well?" This book talks about how to build a personal core cognitive puzzle, turn knowledge into power, and then let power feed back knowledge, so as to achieve the unity of knowledge and action, and accomplish one thing.
The author He Yifan is a master of journalism and the founder of Lighthouse Zhixingshe and Benten Finance . At the same time, he is also a well-known business observer. Over the years, he has had in-depth exchanges with more than 100 business "bosses" and hundreds of entrepreneurs around the world to explore the underlying logic of that makes things happen. When
builds a personal core cognitive puzzle, the author uses "reading, speaking and writing" to unify, and talks about how to obtain 's power of purification, disassembly, simplification, resonance, structure, introspection, questioning, spiraling and other abilities.
For reasons of space, I will talk about my shortcoming "resonance".
The master storyteller knew before he opened his mouth that the core of persuading others through telling stories is to respect others' right to choose, and then use resonant stories to change perceptions and influence other people's behavior. How does specifically improve resonance and make our stories impactful?
01 is related to "self".
resonates with "self" . If a person and you have common experiences, common friends, common hobbies, or come from the same place, were born on the same day, even if the names are somewhat similar, it will bring us closer to each other.
For example, when you are trying on clothes in a shopping mall, the shopping guide often says, "I live in that neighborhood," "I also went to the middle school," "I was also born in 1984," in order to get closer. They may even say, "I also have two kids at home, and they are really worrying."...
To summarize, the proximity principle of resonance: geographical proximity and psychological proximity.
Geographical proximity is very intuitive. Even if there is a tsunami in a distant country in the news, we are concerned but not panic; but if the city next door shakes slightly and there are no casualties, you will feel like you are facing a powerful enemy.
Psychological proximity comes from shared experiences, psychological value recognition or value opposition. Things like book clubs, fandom culture, etc. are all products of psychological proximity.
02 "Anti-resonance" is more valuable than "resonance"
"Resonance" is not "consensus" . Resonance does not mean that it is completely consistent with one's own ideas. We can also use the law of anti-resonance skillfully.
If you read an article and find that the views are consistent with your own, although you are very happy, you will find that we did not know or learn anything new. But if you see a book or article that subverts your previous thoughts and perceptions, you will be particularly excited and will reread, take notes, and share. This kind of recognition is more valuable.
Mr. Peng Kaiping, a professor at the Department of Psychology at Tsinghua University, found that: The same opinions make people more confident, and different opinions make people wiser.
To put it simply, a barber who always gives you the same haircut knows what hairstyle suits you and can resonate with you; but a hairstylist who can change your look and design a new image for you, and who is still good-looking, can broaden your horizons and discover a new and different version of yourself.
Therefore, when professors at some well-known universities organize students to discuss issues, they will encourage students to find two or three people with completely different opinions to participate, and the participants must be very rational and will not oppose for the sake of opposition.
However, it is not easy to resonate with others, because most people will naturally have emotions when they hear opinions that are different from their own.
To solve this problem, which is also a better basis for achieving resonance, is to eliminate opposition.
03 Eliminate the opposition
and let’s look at a short story.
The way to the outside of a small village was blocked by a monster. The brave young man took up the stick and fought. As a result, the monster can always use a stick that is twice as powerful as the person.
For example, if a person hits a monster with a one-meter-long wooden stick, the monster will break his head with a two-meter-long stick; if a person uses a torch to burn the monster, the monster will spit out a bigger flame and burn it to ashes...
One day, Lao Wang, who is not very clever in the village, stands up and says that there is a way to destroy the monster.
Many villagers went with him, waiting to see the joke. The monster spread its huge body and roared towards Lao Wang. Lao Wang walked over with an apple and asked the monster, "Are you hungry?"
The monster squinted his eyes, smelled the apple, took the apple gracefully, opened his mouth wide, and raised his fist high. The people next to him were frightened...
Then, the monster opened his fist, and there were two redder and bigger apples inside. Lao Wang gave the monster another bottle of water, and the monster immediately gave him two bottles of sweeter water. Lao Wang smiled at the monster, and the monster smiled at him kindly.
After that, word of the miracle spread. People believe that monsters are a blessing, not a curse.
In our lives, we have many conflicts, all because: in each other's eyes, we are all "monsters".
When we want to influence others, we firmly believe that we are "right" and label those who disagree with us as "wrong." Once we regard the other party as an "enemy", the outcome will inevitably determine the outcome.
When we demonize the other party, it leads to a lack of respect for each other. It is normal to destroy the relationship and deny the other party's point of view.
Back to the question at the beginning, why do children not use your method even though they know it is right?
Because of some of our behaviors, children are mistakenly regarded as enemies. For example, we always talk about truth, saying that this is wrong and that is wrong...
There is even a parent who secretly installed a surveillance camera in his child's room. When the child found out, he immediately smashed it, and a hostile relationship was successfully established.
If a child subconsciously regards you as an enemy, no matter how superb your skills are in telling stories, in his eyes, it is all disguised manipulation.
Children think that if you get something done in your own way, you win. Therefore, I would rather not learn it than let you win.
If you find that your child really likes something, but he stops doing it just because you asked him to do it, then the parent-child relationship needs to be repaired.
Therefore, if you want to get along better with your children, you must influence them. We must learn to tell stories, enhance our resonance, and eliminate opposition. How to do
specifically?
First of all, we often talk to our children about the silly things we did when we were young and the difficulties in learning, so as to get closer and get closer psychologically; we can also join in the games that the children like, play a game with the children if nothing happens, and use common hobbies to get closer; we can also find a goal that we want to achieve, and work together with the children on different paths. The result is not important, the important thing is that we are fighting side by side.
Secondly, if we want to teach children learning methods, we must not present facts and reason, but guide the children to feel that they discovered this method by themselves. Because children also want to get good grades, they will definitely use the methods they discover on their own.
Then, tell your child a story about “I know what you’re thinking?” Like the monster in the case, people also long for recognition and a smile. The "I understand you" story can start from the child's hidden doubts and expose the child's hidden objections to the light, and these opinions themselves will be weakened.
Okay, let’s stop talking about it and share it with you. I have to act quickly. Otherwise, I would not just talk, but also talk about "Knowledge and Action".
Pay attention to the misunderstandings in action: letting knowledge sleep without using it; blind action without accumulation of knowledge.
The unity of knowledge and action is the underlying foundation for accomplishing something.
Acting based on knowledge is true knowledge. Knowing but not acting is just unknown.
