received a consultation from a mother in the background, saying that she was divorced and had an eight-year-old son who was raised by herself. Recently, because she was pregnant, she didn’t want to move at all, but her child still asked her to cook. She said that she didn’t want to move and wanted to order takeaway for her child. The child became angry, yelled at her, and locked himself in the room. She felt that she had raised a white-eyed wolf and was not grateful at all. She even believed that the child's genes could not be taught well. Ask, how to let children know how to be grateful and considerate of themselves.
As a single mother, it is really hard to work alone to support the family, take care of the children, and deal with big things and small things alone. Hug you.
Having emotions is not the problem, but how to deal with such emotions is the problem. No matter how you deal with it, this emotion should not be turned into a sharp arrow and shot at the child. This will not only hurt the parent-child relationship, but also hurt yourself.
01 Seeing one's own emotions
When people are sick, they will magnify their expectations and expectations for the other person. If you are sick and you are already extremely depressed, coupled with the unsatisfactory performance of your child, you will have endless resentment, and you may even attribute the child's performance to genes. Needless to say, this gene is attributed to the father. From this point of view, although it has been five years since the divorce, some emotions have not been dealt with over time. If you really let go, you will not label the child with bad genes (have you ever thought that genes come from both parents)?
So, if possible, please ask this mother, when her mood is relatively stable, to think about whether those inner entanglements and negative emotions are the source of the current moment?
Only by handling your own inner emotions can you better accept your child's emotions.
02 I love because "I have been loved"; "I am grateful" because "I have been treated well"
It can be seen from the mother's narrative that the mother has done her best to provide companionship and care to her child. I don't think that children can't see their mother's dedication, and I don't think that children just don't know how to feel sorry for their mother. However, the child encountered difficulties in some places. The mother does not see the real needs behind the child's behavior.
Although the mother said that the parent-child relationship is very good, judging from the child's refusal to communicate, the parent-child relationship is blocked.
For children, the logic of growth is "I love" because "I have been loved"; "I am grateful" because "I have been treated well and respected". To hope that children will have a grateful heart is to give them the certainty of being loved unconditionally at any time. Any love with attached conditions is not love, but emotional kidnapping.
Children come into this world through us. It is our basic responsibility as parents to take good care of and raise them before they reach adulthood. If we use the reason of giving life to our children to control their lives and deliberately ask them to be "thankful", what is conveyed is the logic of no love and "repaying kindness", which is an emotional kidnapping of children and a blasphemy against the love of parents. Just think about it: if children really had a choice, would they choose us to be their parents?
True love is based on a free mind, independent personality, mutual seeing, and mutual respect, rather than being required or forced. The relationship between husband and wife is like this, and the relationship between parents and children is also like this.
When we deliberately educate our children on gratitude, it is a manifestation of our lack of self-love, self-esteem, and self-confidence.
03Make space for yourself and give your children opportunities to take responsibility
Everyone needs downtime, relaxation and recharging moments every once in a while, and if we can show our children that you respect and value yourself, your children will learn to respect and value themselves (and you) too.
If you are too tired from work and feel uncomfortable, you can rest; if your home is a bit messy, you can also put it aside for the time being. Set aside a certain amount of time for yourself every week to do the things you like. Remember, it is the things you really like, such as reading, listening to music, and spending time with friends...
No matter what makes you feel rejuvenated and energetic, make sure to set aside time to do it regularly. This is not selfishness, but wisdom.
At the same time, reduce the responsibility for taking care of children's affairs. At the age of eight, there are many things that I can do. For example, after washing the fruits and putting them on a plate for him, for example, making his bed at night, washing with him, and other such things, you can let the child do it by himself.
Let him share the burden of things at home. For example, if we clean together on weekends, you cook and he washes the dishes; when you go shopping, share the burden with you, instead of you carrying big and small bags alone while he follows empty-handed. The delicious food that is usually cooked must be eaten by two people together, not because he likes to eat it, and it is not that it is very expensive, so he can only eat it by himself...
Reduce the preaching and punishment of children, and increase their participation and decision-making power in family affairs and daily life. When children experience the joy of contributing to the family, they become more capable.
Conclusion
All parenting is most effective when it is based on love. Techniques without love are just techniques. There are no perfect parents and no perfect children. If we do our best to raise our children, learn from the occasional mistakes we make, and love our children throughout, then we are moving in the right direction. This is enough.
