Someone said: When educating children, sometimes the harder you work, the more taboo you will get. Only by letting go and loosening ties in a timely manner can children grow better.
Almost every parent hopes that their children will become talented, have excellent grades, and be praised by everyone.
In this process, if the child's performance makes even the slightest mistake, the parents will begin to blame, beat and scold them, and blindly compete with their children.
As everyone knows, the more you compete with your children, the more rebellious they will be and the less likely they will be able to excel.
Especially as children get older, and during adolescence, this phenomenon becomes more serious.
But truly high-level parents have long stayed away from competing with their children.
I watched a video some time ago. The girl was scolded by her parents and couldn't argue with her. She impulsively locked the door, sat on the window sill, and threatened to jump.
Firefighters came after hearing the news, but it was difficult to crack it for a while.
The parents refused to give up and the firefighters wanted to break in. When the girl heard the noise, she shouted loudly: "If you dare to break the door, I will jump down."
In desperation, the firefighters had no choice but to wait for the locksmith to arrive while communicating with the girl's mother, hoping that the mother would comfort her daughter first.
The girl's mother was actually very stubborn, as if both parties were enemies, refusing to take a step back, and even said, "I can't apologize to her."
The firefighters tried to persuade her for a long time, but the mother was finally willing to let go of her emotions and communicate with her child, and the girl burst into tears.
Then, at the moment when the locksmith unlocked the door, the girl's father's behavior once again surprised people. He rushed out to hit his daughter who was about to jump off the building.
Fortunately, my father was stopped by everyone. The girl was also rescued by firefighters.
However, looking back at this scene, it makes people shudder.
Adolescent children have great mood swings and sometimes cannot control their emotions, but parents are always competing with their children, insisting on deciding who is right or wrong.
Whenever I open an online video, I see many similar incidents.
Some mothers tear up their children's books, and the children are so angry that they go on hunger strike;
Some parents speak harsh words to their children, and the children run away from home in anger;
What's worse, parents beat and scold their children, and the children commit suicide by jumping off the building regardless of the consequences.
Too many children are competing with their parents, choosing extreme ways, and even reaching the point of no return.
Doctor of Education Qian Zhiliang once said:
"Countless real cases tell us a cruel truth: the more powerful the parents, the easier it is to make their children worse."
As parents, we have to clearly realize that when we compete with our children, we will not be the winner no matter what.
After children enter adolescence, they need more respect and understanding.
When communicating with them, we also need to pay more attention to methods and methods.
I once read a story about a girl who likes to try all kinds of new things, wear short skirts, dye her hair, and even becomes interested in tattoos and secretly gets a tattoo.
She didn't dare to let her mother know about these things, for fear of not being understood and fear of being reprimanded.
As a result, someone accidentally saw the tattoo at a party.
The man said loudly and disdainfully: "You have tattoos at a young age, and you are not a good student at first glance. It will really embarrass your parents!"
Just when she thought she couldn't escape being beaten and scolded, her mother suddenly stood up and yelled at the man: I, the mother, haven't said anything yet. Is it your turn to make irresponsible remarks?
Not only that, after returning home, her mother did not scold her, but also said a lot of caring words. One sentence has always remained fresh in her memory:
Although my mother does not understand, I will respect you and support your choice.
From then on, she began to speak her mind and share her thoughts with her mother with peace of mind.
Of course, mother can also listen to her and understand her like a friend.
That tattoo had already been washed off by the girl.
When we can step out of the role of parents and relax our hands, children may not become bad.
As the writer Liu Yong once said:
"As long as you are willing to affirm the child, lead the child without disturbing him, the child will definitely impress you."
We may worry that they will hit a wall and encounter setbacks, but these are all things that children must experience when they grow up.
After experiencing these, children will have mature personalities and sufficient abilities.
Only when we can soften down and give our children time and space to experience while providing emotional support can we truly become the ones who support our children.
Someone once said: Parents are their children's tour guides in this world. They should tell their children what is there in the world, give them some space, and let them see and explore like tourists.
Really high-level parents are well aware of this truth.
They have long since given up fighting with their children, choosing to be silently beside their children and be watchmen.
(1) Shut up when appropriate and stay away from utilitarian communication
Many parents often say:
Look at who in other people’s families is so outstanding!
If you can focus your xxx efforts on serious matters, you will definitely be better than them...
It seems that no matter what, our eyes cannot be separated from these worldly utilitarian comparisons.
But in fact, it is precisely these words that force children to rebel and alienate their parents.
As the psychologist Fromm said: The best love a parent has for a child does not lie in the truths they have told him.
The purpose is to let the children feel that as a child, I came into this world, which in itself is a particularly beautiful thing.
When we control our mouths about utilitarian topics and let our children feel loved and accepted, they will naturally try our best to live a better life.
(2) Learn to show weakness and avoid command-based education
As parents, we often feel that our children are still young, and we always habitually issue various instructions and simply and forcefully ask our children to do things.
ignores that children who are growing up need more recognition.
Psychology once pointed out that adolescence is actually a "psychological weaning period", which is the process of a person moving from being dependent on his parents to being independent.
In this process, they expect their parents to treat them as adults.
When dealing with children who are growing up, we need to learn to show weakness and give them more room to develop, so that we can gain more and more confident and mature children.
(3) Respect your children and choose to accompany them to protect them.
When their children face choices, many parents will make the decision for their children without thinking. However, it is precisely this unthinking that leads to their children's rebellion.
Psychologist Hein G. Ginott once said:
Teenagers resent unsolicited attention and advice.
They are like a person who needs a loan but wants to be financially independent.No matter how helpful their parents' banks were, these teenage borrowers will feel resentful of their banks.
We might as well keep this in mind, avoid uninvited visits, and choose to guard silently.
Raising children has always been a long practice.
The competition has never been about the parents’ level of exertion, but the self-restraint in the process and the silent influence on the children.
As mentioned in "Cognition Gap": Only by giving up the identity of parents can we be good parents.
We need to constantly adjust our mentality, suppress our inner emotions, give our children appropriate space and enough time, and allow them the opportunity and cost of trial and error.
Only in this way can children have stronger wings and fly to their own future!
I hope every parent has the wisdom to not compete and raise young people who can fly! (Reading at ten o’clock)
