Two days ago, a mother asked me to complain.
After her daughter was born, she quit her job and took care of her wholeheartedly. However, it only brings frustration and loss -
The meal she spent 2 hours cooking, and her daughter didn't eat at all, so she was so angry that she poured the food into the trash can;
She signed up for her daughter to participate in the current popular programming course, but her daughter did not cooperate at all, and she wandered around as soon as she started class;
She tried to reason with her daughter, but she said the same words a hundred times, and her daughter still went into her left ear and out of her right ear...
I couldn't help but think of many parents' confusion: Why did she give everything and tried many methods, but the child just didn't appreciate it and didn't know it?
After all, this love is used in the wrong direction.
In the book "Awakening of the Family", American clinical psychologist and expert in family education expert Shafali Sabari proposed a subversive concept:
What needs education is not children, but parents;
It is not children, but adults.
"The more we awaken, the closer we are to our children's hearts, and the more we can give our children a gentle and powerful education."
Instead of spending all our strength on the children, parents should return to themselves and realize their inner awakening first. The following three things are:
The sooner you give up, the sooner you can start the road to family awakening.
The TV series "Bottom Line" records a tragedy adapted from a real event.
Tang Xiaoyun graduated from a prestigious university and worked in a top 500 foreign company in the world. He is the "child of others" in the eyes of many parents and the "perfect god of learning" in the minds of classmates.
However, he killed his mother in an extremely cruel way.
After investigation, it was found that Tang Xiaoyun's crazy behavior was due to his rebellion against his mother's excessive control.
Mother has extremely high requirements and uses airtight control to weave a net for Tang Xiaoyun's life.
He is not allowed to lose a point in the exam, otherwise he needs to review it deeply;
He is not allowed to play games, even if he watches for two seconds, it is a sign of weak willpower: "If you want to be an ordinary person, don't be my son."
Tang Xiaoyun tried to express his true feelings. Every time this time, his mother would torture himself crazily, such as slapping himself in the face to achieve the purpose of manipulating his son.
Tang Xiaoyun thought that only by killing his mother could he get rid of control, but he destroyed his life.
In life, there are many parents like Tang Xiaoyun’s mother. They like to interfere in their children’s lives and require their children to listen to their own.
Whenever children express resistance and dissatisfaction, they will use the methods of accusing and depreciation, economic blockade, and moral kidnapping of to force their children to obey.
is nominally "love children", but in fact it deprives the children of their right to choose and freedom .
Life without choice will lose interest; childhood without freedom will lose energy.
Parents bend down, listen to their children's voices, see their children's needs, and adjust their behaviors to promote the awakening of the family.
As Shafali Sabari said:
"If parents pay attention to the process rather than the result, children will respond to their own calls and express their desires; they will not succeed for success, but will strive to pursue a meaningful life."
What children need is never the control of their parents, nor is it the reminder of their parents to chatter.
What they desire is to have some sufficient space to explore, some reasonable opportunities to express, and some free time to try.
Even if they hit a wall, they will be lost, but as long as they see the happy response and gentle appreciation of their parents, they can find courage and strength again.
How many parents still remember that the child has not been born yet, and our wish is extremely pure. As long as the child is healthy and happy, it is good.
I don’t know when it started, but our “original intention” has changed:
I hope that the child is not only healthy, but also excellent; not only happy, but also self-disciplined; not only outstanding grades, but also comprehensive development and success.
Once the child regresses, we will be frustrated and disappointed, and either beat or scold.
Special I don’t know that when parents only have goals in their eyes and cannot see real children, they will easily fall into self-righteous fantasy and lay a shadow on their children’s growth.
Fudan University Professor Wang Defeng shared his experience and alerted many parents.
Professor Wang has trained many excellent students. He feels that he is not bad in all aspects, and his son must be not bad, and he has high hopes for his son.
Son just knows how to speak, so he sent his son to the early education class;
The son started to go to school, and he sent his son to the best school;
The college entrance examination ended, and he was full of confidence and felt that his son would definitely be able to get into Fudan University and reach the peak of his life.
However, when the college entrance examination results came out, he learned that his son was having difficulty going to an ordinary university. He suddenly realized that he had never asked his son what he wanted, but he kept putting his expectations on his son.
" My son said in junior high school that he didn't want to go to Fudan Affiliated High School . I didn't think much at the time, and made the child hate school. ”
Professor Wang's disillusion was shattered, but it was also the beginning of re-recognizing the child.
He and his son communicated calmly and encouraged his son to choose the path he wanted to take.
Later, the son regained his interest in learning and successfully passed the entrance exam to London Business School .
Shafali Sabari said in "Awakening of the Family":
When each of us first became a father and a mother, we were full of longing for the future. These longings were largely empty fantasies. However, we must realize that we are not cultivating a "mini version" self, but shaping a soul with independent characteristics.
deeply agrees.
Really smart parents will give up unrealistic fantasies.
Learn to distinguish "self" from "children" and encourage children to be the most real selves.
When children find their own life trajectory, they can move forward bravely and write a unique growth story.
A few days ago, something incredible happened in a bookstore in Shenzhen, Guangdong.
A mother threw several books in front of the bookstore staff and scolded the other party to sell romance novel and tomb robbery novels to their children, which was "poisoning" the children.
"This kind of book, this kind of drug is sold to my children, and I will fight for my life! "
" One day I will throw a torch in and burn you books! "
staff explained that they would stop the child, but they were helpless when the child found someone to buy it without telling it.
Next, this mother's words gave people a glimpse of the motivation behind her outrageous behavior.
"Is it easy to buy a house here and send your child to school to study?"
I understand this mother's concerns. The whole family revolves around the child. I hope the child can study hard. How can he indulge in books such as non-textbooks?
But I was more worried about this child. He was forced to bear the anxiety and pressure of his mother. He just wanted to read the books he liked to relieve it, but his mother took it to public and scolded him, as if he had done a big mistake.
Calm down and think about it, this mother has a better way to deal with it.
She was swept up by anxiety and focused on her children and bookstores. It’s better to look back at herself and practice herself again.
"Awakening of the Family" said:
The most profound way to teach children to enter the rich heart to gain strength and find their goals is to first penetrate into our inner world. If we can do it, then our present will become the most powerful tool for education.
Instead of letting children look at their phones less, it is better to pick up a good book first and make reading a habit;
Instead of urging their children to exercise more, it is better to insist on running first and enjoy the pleasure and relaxation brought by exercise;
Instead of requiring children to be well educated, it is better to be yourself first from the details and be more open-minded and tolerant in dealing with people and things...
Parents are the best teachers for their children. Parents improve themselves first, and children will naturally imitate and strive to become a better self, and the parent-child relationship will become more harmonious.
Very agree with Shafali Sabari's words in "Awakening of the Family":
"To be an awakened parent, we need to recognize our unawakening and understand how it hurts children.
It is us who make children lose motivation and enthusiasm because we give them too much pressure and make them produce others. Headlines;
It is us who make children become little villains because we control their spirits and suppress their voices;
It is us who make children anxious because we cannot enjoy the present and always keep a close eye on the future..."
Recognize this and adjust it. Every word we say and do to children can be more alert and more guidance.
You must give up high-pressure control to inject energy into your children;
You must give up unrealistic fantasies to help your children in a targeted manner;
You must give up your own anxiety and improve yourself first to continue to lead your children forward.
This awakening path for parents may not be easy, but it is definitely worth a try.
You and I will encourage each other.
