After "I Wish My Parents Read This Book" was published, it ranked first on the Sunday Times bestseller list, and has been authorized to be translated and published in 31 countries and regions including Japan, South Korea, Germany, and France. It ranks first on the list of long-term home education books.
is a book written for emotional communication between parents and children. Every parent hopes that his child will grow up happily and live a good life.
However, in the process of children's growth, parents often inadvertently hurt their children. Although it is unintentional, the harm to the children is real, and it can seriously affect their mental health.
"I Wish My Parents Read This Book" will tell you how to identify problems and solve them. Whether it is a communication problem between children, teenagers or adults, it can help you. It can help you repair relationships, protect your children's mental health, and most importantly avoid future trauma.
After reading this book, you will be glad that you have read this book, and your children will also be glad that you have read it. Next, let us study the contents of this book together.
Don't let your bad emotions affect your children's mental health.
Taiyi has a daughter, and she was playing with her child in the leisure area downstairs that day. My daughter was playing a climbing game by herself. She watched from the side and checked her phone from time to time. Just as she was replying to the message, she suddenly heard her daughter shouting: "Mom, I'm stuck, come and help me."
She looked at her daughter and found that she could get down by herself, so she said angrily with a straight face: "Don't mess around, you can get down by yourself." When her daughter saw that she was angry, she struggled hard, struggled to get her legs off the climbing frame, and came to her timidly. The two of them went home unhappy.
A few days later, Taiyi and her daughter passed by the play area, and she obviously noticed that her daughter was a little nervous. She suddenly thought of the unpleasantness of that day, so she asked her daughter: "Do you want to play?" The daughter nodded, and they walked to the play area together. She didn't look at her phone this time, but stayed with her child the whole time.
When the child got stuck again, Tay noticed it in time and taught her how to get over the obstacle more easily. The daughter felt the change in her mother this time, so she asked: "Mom, why didn't you help me last time and were still angry with me?"
She told her daughter the reason, because when she was a child, her parents always prevented her from doing some things. She was not allowed to do this or that. She found it very annoying and had no fun at all.
She doesn't want her children to be like her, and hopes that her daughter can do what she can by herself. She also told her daughter that she was not angry with her, she was angry with herself, and hoped to be forgiven by her daughter. After her daughter knew the reason, she would no longer be afraid of her mother.
Taiyi is a loving mother who loves her daughter very much. She is also a senior psychotherapist and has trained many psychotherapists, but she also makes mistakes.
The reason why I mentioned her two identities is to tell everyone that even the most self-aware and well-intentioned people may fall into emotional time dislocation and suddenly find that some of their reactions to their children are based on past experiences rather than on the current situation.
Everyone is like this. We must first release the sadness hidden in our hearts and find the source of bad emotions before we can release the love in our hearts.
If you want to avoid getting angry, you can do this exercise, which can help us find out where bad emotions come from. The next time your child makes you angry again, instead of reacting automatically, stop and ask yourself: Is this really the child's fault? Why can't I see things from a child's perspective?
If you do this at first, it will be a bit difficult, but as long as we persist, we will find that the mistakes are really not just in children.
Therefore, it is extremely important for parents to often examine their hearts and do more self-criticism. We should not let the shadow of the wrong parenting methods of the previous generation leave on you and then affect your next generation.
Don't let your children suppress what they want to say. Only speaking it out can help balance their mentality.
Human beings, young and old, all need important people in their lives to pay attention to and understand their feelings, especially children.
Children's mental health is indispensable for their parents' care. You need to accept all of your child's feelings, even those that you feel are irrational.
If you can respond well to your child's feelings, whether they are happy or sad, frustrated or satisfied, extremely angry or jealous, you can guide him to establish a healthy psychological relationship, which is also the basis of mental health.
Children's instinctive feelings can enhance children's safety awareness. For example, in the best-selling book "How to Talk So Children Will Listen, How to Listen So Children Will Talk", the author mentioned the story of a little girl, which reflects this point of view very well.
The little girl went to the swimming pool with her friends but returned home quickly. Her mother asked, "Why did you come back so soon?" The daughter explained that there was an older boy at the pool who wanted to pretend to be a puppy and lick their feet. Her friends thought it was funny, but she found it disgusting.
Her mother told her that she was right to do this. The parents of other girls may not have paid much attention to their children's feelings. They were too lacking in safety awareness.
When a child feels sad or uncomfortable, denying her feelings is a habitual response we have. However, if you tell her not to make a fuss, she won't avoid it even if she encounters it from others.
All parents make mistakes, and the important thing is to correct them. Your child is more likely to tell you what happened if she knows she will receive your attention and comfort, but will not be blamed. What children need is for their parents to be a container for their feelings.
Ignoring or denying a child's feelings is harmful to the child's future mental health.
Child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Donald. When Winnicott watched his children play hide-and-seek, he discovered, "Hiding is a pleasure, but when no one sees you, it is a disaster."
The same is true in life. In adulthood and childhood, we may all like to hide some secrets, but if no one sees us where and when we want to show our true selves, it is a disaster for us.
After Lucas was born, his parents were busy with work and only had time to spend with him on Saturdays and Sundays. Their family conditions cannot afford a nanny, so they can only hire an au pair who comes to study in their city on exchange. The au pair will pick him up from school, cook for him, and read with him, but he will leave when the exchange time is up.
's parents would then look for a new au pair. He often heard his parents calling to find someone to take care of him, which sounded very troublesome. He felt like he was being kicked around like a ball.
His parents love him very much, but he feels like a burden. He always behaves well and is very happy in front of his parents. His parents would buy him a lot of toys and take him out to play on Saturdays and Sundays, but he still felt lonely. He wanted to talk to his parents. They were busy and didn't have time to spend time with him. They always said they would make up for it on weekends.
In the end, Lucas was so tortured by his own heart that he almost jumped out of the window, but his father, who had forgotten to take the file, saw him and stopped him. Later, his parents took him to see a psychiatrist, which opened up his heart. His parents also tried their best to slow down their work and go home before six o'clock every night to be with him.
Love cannot be entrusted to others to express. Some parenting tasks can be asked to be done by others, but love cannot be done for you. Furthermore, love cannot be delayed: it cannot wait until the weekend, and children need love from at least one parent every day.
I wish I had never spoken harshly to my children or put my own feelings before my children's, but alas I have done all of these things, just as my parents did to me.
We are reading this book because we want to be the best parents we can be. One thing that keeps us from reaching our goals is judgment from ourselves and others.
Just as we should not judge ourselves, we should also try to avoid judging our children, because a wrong judgment may have serious consequences.
A primary school student went to a stationery store to buy stationery with his classmates. The boss was busy, so the student put more than three yuan on the counter. But not far away, the boss chased after him and said he didn't see the money. The girl's classmates testified that he gave the money.
The boss didn't believe it, so he searched the girl's body, but neither the money nor the lost stationery was found. The girl's name, class, and photo were posted on the door saying that the girl stole things. What was even more outrageous was to let other students spread the word in school that she stole things and was a bad student.
Although someone testified, the girl was still accused of stealing, and the school teacher did not stop the false judgment in time.
The girl returned home and told her parents what happened at school, but their parents didn't take her seriously. She didn't get timely comfort, so she couldn't think about it and ended her life by jumping off a building to prove her innocence.
This is a heartbreaking case. An age when he should be enjoying pampering at home, an age when he should be studying in school and having fun with his classmates, but because he was wrongly judged by others, he did not think of taking up legal weapons to protect himself, but chose to end his life to prove his innocence.
If parents had told their children not to care about other people's judgments, as long as we had a clear conscience, no matter what happened, our parents would stand by her side and help her solve the problem, would there have been a different ending?
Children's minds are fragile. We should not use judgmental words to comment on them, such as "You are a bad boy, she is a good child." We should discuss the facts themselves and educate children from an early age not to do illegal or criminal things. If someone says something particularly unpleasant and makes you feel uncomfortable, be sure to communicate with your parents in time.
Parents should not use the labels of "good parents and bad parents" to judge themselves. Instead, they should communicate more with their children and help them solve problems in a timely manner. Just like the father below, he also faced the problem of his children stealing things, and he gave a good solution to the problem.
A father received a call from the police station at night, saying that his child and several other children participated in a supermarket sweep. When they were caught, the shopping cart was filled with candies and beer, and they were trying to avoid paying the bill.
The father drove to the police station to pick up his child. Instead of scolding him or judging him, he chatted with him and helped him find out and solve the problem.
The child said that he knew it was wrong to steal candies and beers, but his friends thought it would be exciting and cool to steal candies and beers without paying the bill. Originally, he only wanted to steal one, but when he entered the supermarket, everyone started a winning and losing competition to see who could get more and successfully evaded the order.
The problem was found. He stole candy for excitement, and he knew it was wrong, but he didn't want to lose to his friends. This was his true feeling. So what was the solution to the problem? The father and son decided to have a brainstorm to see who could come up with more exciting things. If they just thought about it but didn't do it, they would just treat it as a joke.
You see, this father is very wise. He knows that his son has made a mistake and does not want him to make another mistake, so he does not say judgmental words to the child, such as "I am so disappointed in you," "You are such an idiot," "You are a bad boy and a thief if you do this."
Instead, he solves the problem with him, which will not make the child feel sad.
In this way, teenagers can learn to use this method to define problems themselves. Isn't this method great? Find problems, find out the feelings of doing so, and use brainstorming to solve problems.
Don’t judge your children and label them as incompetent, impulsive, untrustworthy, or immature. This will not help them improve. If something bad happens again, you can also try the above methods to help your children make progress.
If we want to cultivate mentally healthy children, we must learn to pay attention to and listen to the children's hearts.
How do people usually respond to their children? If we think back to the past, we will find that there are three main ways to respond:
Suppression: You are busy with work or housework, and the child comes to you screaming to complain. Your natural reaction is to push away those feelings and say: "Shh! Be quiet!"
Overreaction: When your child encounters something sad and sad, you sympathize with him very much, become as hysterical as him, and cry with him, as if it is your pain and not his. If you do this every time, the child will not come to you. He will be frightened and feel that he is a burden to his parents.
Tolerance: When a child encounters problems and difficulties, even if the child does something wrong, you will tolerate him, help him solve the problem, and guide him not to make mistakes again in the future.
The best way to respond is of course the third way, which is to tolerate and accept all the child's emotions and express unconditional love to the child, so that the child still feels safe to tell you and ask you for help when he is the most defeated, weakest and most helpless.
We must learn to accept every emotion of our children. Denying negative feelings will not make them disappear, but will only strengthen them. We all make mistakes. If we understand our children's feelings more and try not to deny their emotions, our children will know what they need and how to ask for it.
When we take responsibility for our own misbehavior, rather than defending ourselves or blaming others, our children learn to do the same.
Children can learn. Children, just like us, often treat others the way they treat us. So pay more attention to your child's emotions and repair them after the rupture. This is better than having a cold war, quarreling, and fighting over who wins or loses.
Of course, we cannot satisfy our children’s needs endlessly and must set boundaries for them.
Remember: When you want to set boundaries, you should define yourself, not your children. Use your own feelings as reasons, because your feelings are the real reasons.
For example, if a thirteen-year-old child wants to take the overnight train home by himself across the city, you can say: "You have a good idea and want to try to take care of yourself so that I can reduce the workload, but I am not ready yet. We can wait until you are older."
We can provide the child with a boundary, a space for solutions, and more importantly, don't make a fuss about it.
A healthy mind is the source of happiness.
No matter how old your child is, it’s important to spend time with your child and listen to him or her. Don't spend time with your children while both parties are staring at different mobile phone screens or immersed in different worlds, just sharing the same space. We need to make sure that in addition to our lives with our children, our hearts are connected to each other.
Okay, here, the essence of "I really hope my parents read this book" has been told. Thank you for listening, see you in the next book!
