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Chinese people often say that father's love is like a mountain. Fathers’ love is often very deep, and Chinese-style fathers usually do not express their inner feelings, so the children usually have less frustrations than mothers.
However, in addition to this reason, Chinese society is also deeply influenced by patriarchal ideas. Under the influence of this idea, the role of father in the entire family is always missing.
The mother is responsible for the child's diet, daily life and study life in a family. We call this kind of family "widowed education".
In fact, the role of father is very important. Gerdi, a famous American psychologist, believes that fathers play a unique role in the growth of their children, and his presence means a special force for children.
Adler believes that , fathers and children establish relationships later than mothers, which is mainly determined by the physiological structure of men and women and the different roles played by fathers and mothers in children's lives.
There is an old saying, "If you have a father, you will have a son." Those children with bad relationships with their fathers often experience the following four disadvantages when they grow up.
1, inferiority
Many people believe that father has a greater impact on boys than on girls. In fact, this idea is completely wrong.
The influence of fathers on girls is no less than that of boys. Whether it is boys or girls, the role of fathers is very important in their growth.
We have mentioned above that fathers do not like to express themselves, and they are always absent in family education , which leads to the fathers being indifferent to themselves in the eyes of many children.
The attitude of a father is in sharp contrast with that of a mother who cares about her children in every detail. Children who grow up in this kind of family usually have lower self-esteem when they grow up.
Michael Gurion believes that fathers usually express their children with conditions. When expressing love to their children, they always say, "I love you, but you have to achieve a certain goal so that you can make me respect you."
This expression seems to give children a psychological hint: if I am not outstanding enough, I don't deserve to be loved.
Therefore, under the long-term influence of this psychological suggestion, children will develop a feeling of inferiority. For boys, they may have a distant relationship with their father and put pressure on themselves, hoping to get their father's recognition.
But for girls, father is the first opposite sex they come into contact with. When girls cannot feel their father's love, they will put themselves in a disadvantaged position when looking for a partner in the future, feeling that they are not worthy of the other party, even if the other party's conditions are very poor.
2. Instable inner order
If the relationship between the father and the child is hostile, then the child is very likely to have unstable inner order or emotional behavior in the future.
In fact, children’s thinking patterns before the age of 12 are relatively single. Their ideas are very different from those in the adult world. They will not regard their father's beating and scolding as motivating behavior. They will only think that their father hates them and always dislikes them. In this case, the relationship between the father and the child becomes tense.
Tension between father and child can have unexpected consequences.
In the book "Eating Disorders", the author mentioned that the relationship between a father and a child in will cause the child to have eating disorders. Through research, experts have found that girls with poor relationships with their fathers are more likely to develop eating disorders.
Experts analyzed that the fathers of these girls with eating disorders lacked care for them and their relationship was also very tense.
Some fathers are even aggressive, as if they are enemies with their daughters.For these girls, the hostile relationship with their fathers makes them unable to establish a good inner order, and the nature of eating disorders has a lot to do with emotional instability.
3, hesitant
In addition to being indifferent to children or being beaten and scolded at every turn, there is also a kind of father who is very strict with children.
They are very strict with their children and require their children to control every move. This kind of father is called a "dictatorial" father in psychology.
Children who grow up under dictatorial fatherly love will become very dependent on their fathers and will hesitate no matter what they do when they grow up.
Because he has become accustomed to everything being decided by his father, he will be at a loss when he really needs to make his own decisions.
Wu Zhihong believes that parents always decide everything for their children is killing their children's lives. This kind of father does not regard the child as an independent individual, but only regards the child as his own accessories.
4, easy to regret and blame
In China, many fathers are "strike-type fathers". No matter whether the child makes progress or regresses, they will attack the child and never take the initiative to praise or encourage the child. This kind of parent-child relationship will cause children to regret and blame themselves when they grow up. No matter what happens, they will feel that it is their own problem and take the mistakes on themselves.
Wu Zhihong believes that people will have "narcissistic personality" at the beginning. At first, when people were young, they thought that the good things happening around them would be related to themselves. Not only that, people also take bad things on themselves.
- The End -
Author | Tommy
Edit | Shengjianbao
First psychological writer group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
References: Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of personality and social psychology, 115(2), 192-205
