The World Health Organization released the "Guidelines for Adolescent Mental Health Promotion and Prevention Interventions: Helping Adolescents Thrive" in September 2021. The document pointed out that adolescent mental health problems account for a large proportion of global diseases, and up to 50% of mental health conditions begin before the age of 14.
The 2018 "China Youth Development Report" shows that about 30 million children and adolescents under the age of 17 in my country are troubled by emotional disorders and behavioral problems;
In 2019, a special survey on youth mental health by the China Youth Research Center and the Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences showed that 7.7% of teenagers aged 14-18 are at high risk of depression, and 5.1% have severe anxiety.
In December 2021, China’s first survey report on mental disorders among children and adolescents was released: the survey samples were about 74,000 children and adolescents in Beijing, Liaoning, Jiangsu, Hunan, and Sichuan. The results show that among school students aged 6 to 16 years old, the total prevalence rate of mental disorders among Chinese children and adolescents is 17.5%. Among them, the most prevalent mental disorders include: attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (6.4%), anxiety disorder (4.7%), oppositional defiant disorder (3.6%), depressive disorder (3.0%), and tic disorder (2.5%).
After reading these data, do you think that adolescent psychological problems are far away from your family?
According to statistics from psychological counselors, the most frequently used words in adolescent and child consultation are: "depression", "anxiety", "homework", "study", "mobile phone", "irritability", "parents", "puppy love", "self-harm", "depression", "insomnia", "curiosity", "drugs", "mental", "bullying", "forced", "running away from home", "suicide", etc.
In what areas do adolescents’ psychological problems focus? In fact, the four most common types of problems in consultation are:
1. Study and exam pressure;
2. Mobile phone dependence;
3. Parent-child relationship;
4. Emotional stress.
The author is located in Hefei. The admission rate of Hefei ordinary high schools in 2022 is about 68.6%. The full score of the high school entrance examination is 750 points. The minimum score for admission to urban ordinary high schools is 587 points. Compared with other provinces, Anhui Province’s college entrance examination pressure is only ranked third in the country. It is not easy to break through the high school entrance examination in Hefei. One can imagine the pressure on middle school students across the country to enter higher education.
Under such great pressure to enter a higher education, parents become anxious and frequently get angry. The parent-child relationship becomes tense, and the children's emotional stress increases. They turn to the Internet. Then, parental discipline is ineffective, parents become frustrated, and mobile online games become the scapegoat. Children's resistance is ineffective, and they become restless. If things go on like this, they will become uninterested in their studies and increase the pressure of studying and exams.
From this point of view, the four types of problems that are concentrated in the psychological problems of teenagers have become an endless loop.
As parents, we are also deeply involved. How can we break the situation?
Understand the fundamental reasons why children are tired of studying
We often classify teenagers who are tired of studying as "problem teenagers". At this moment, we need to think about: What is the family model of "problem teenagers"? Someone once summarized it into three points:
- Husbands often excuse themselves from being busy with work or playing (or unconsciously escaping) and rarely accompany their children;
- Wife hates doing housework alone and is completely disappointed in the marriage;
- Children are tired of studying
They think:
① The long-term absence of father's love will make children weak, inferior and insecure? Therefore, children are easily bullied at school and become submissive and timid? If things go on like this, I will become tired of studying and unable to adapt to school life.
② The wife’s disappointment in the marital relationship can easily lead to tension in the family atmosphere, and the children can easily lose their original gentle side and become more aggressive. If things go on like this, children will easily become anxious and irritable, and will not be interested in studying.
③ The wife complains about her husband, and the husband escapes. The wife gets angry at the child, and the child resists. However, the resistance is ineffective and the child becomes restless. The father is absent and has nowhere to redress his grievances, so the child chooses to rely on the Internet.
It should be noted that we cannot attribute all problems to the fact that either parent rarely participates in family education.
Warren Farrell, who is known as the "spiritual leader of the world" , has a book known as the "Magna Carta" of gender relations - "The Myth of Men's Rights", which contains this paragraph:
"The tragedy of men is that showing love through breadwinners prevents us from showing love through intimacy. So our love for our son prevents us from loving him."
As Harry Chapin's song "Cat in the Cradle"
The son asked: "Dad, when will you come home?"
The father replied: "I don't know when I will come back."
After his father was no longer busy raising a family, he was so eager to spend time with his son day and night, and he hoped that his son could accompany him. Unfortunately, the father's stress can only be reduced if his son finds a job. So the son replied: "My new job is not easy to do, and the children also have the flu."
What is ironic is that the son once longed for his father's love so much that he vowed "one day I will be like my father..."
If a father (or mother) bears the main responsibility for the family economy and rarely spends time with his children, then this father (or mother) needs to learn high-quality companionship.
Of course, between husband and wife, one party rarely participates in family education. If one party is really busy at work, more understanding and care should be given, and they must not stop at complaining and venting anger.
Good family division of labor and smooth communication can solve most marital problems. A stable marriage must also be the cornerstone of good family education.
At the same time, fathers must not evade the responsibility of education. Otherwise, I believe that as their children grow up, parents will realize how much trouble their original escape will bring to them.
"Mobile online games" and "puppy love" should not be scapegoats
① In the eyes of many parents, online games are a scourge.
Forcibly confiscating mobile phones and disconnecting from the Internet are probably common methods used by parents, but are they effective? Often, it gets worse and worse, with no gain and a lose-lose situation.
Rather than letting games become a scapegoat for the parent-child relationship, it may be a better way to learn to treat games as children's friends, live in harmony with children's friends, and let children learn to arrange their time reasonably.
② Do not overreact to "puppy love", comply with the psychological development laws of teenagers, and conduct appropriate love education.
My niece, who has just entered the first grade of junior high school, told us: A girl in her class was caught having a puppy love with a senior boy.
Grandma said: I fell in love early in the first grade of junior high school. Why are today’s children so unruly?
My niece was confused and ashamed of being in early love amid the adults’ questioning.
She said: The teacher found the parents, and the girl’s father was very angry and scolded the girl.
The father's scolding may only intensify the girl's struggle against parental authority;
making the noise known to everyone may only cause depression in the girl's campus life.
We cannot ignore that children's love, emotional and psychological development will also be divided into stages:
The first stage: the initial stage
This stage probably occurs when the child is about 9-10 years old and lasts for 1-2 years. The child's physical secondary sexual characteristics gradually appear, and he does not want to have more contact with the opposite sex, and prefers to associate with the same sex, especially girls.
The second stage: mutual attraction stage
The mutual attraction stage occurs around the age of 11-13 and lasts about 2-3 years. Mutual attraction means that after children enter this period, they have a good impression of the opposite sex, have strong curiosity, and are willing to actively participate in mixed group activities.
The third stage: Love of the opposite sex
Children aged 14-17 have also officially entered puberty. At present, the child's behavior is more specific. He hopes to be alone with the opposite sex, and also hopes to have a better understanding and prepare for choosing a suitable marriage partner in the future.
The fourth stage: the mate selection period
generally begins at the age of 18 and enters the mate selection period. Children's emotional abilities are fully developed and they know how to choose a suitable partner for themselves. Their minds are not yet fully mature, and they will gradually form their own views on love through emotional experiences.
Instead of blindly suppressing all ignorant "puppy love", it is better to give children enough love and tolerance, and take this opportunity to teach them the correct concept of love.
A good parent-child relationship is based on parents’ good attitude towards their children.
① Children’s attitude towards their parents largely replicates their parents’ attitude towards them.
When we fall into the whirlpool of bad parent-child relationship, the key to whether we can jump out and restore calm to the originally choppy waters lies in whether we can reflect on the problems that exist in us as parents in time; whether we can accept the characteristics of our children as "individuals" rather than what we want them to be.
Respect, understanding, tolerance, trust, sincere appreciation and equal communication, this is the key!
② When a child is frustrated, remember not to cause emotional "secondary trauma" to him.
"Look, you are still wrong, right?" "I told you not to do that?" "You must not listen to me"...
Are you familiar with these words?
We always blurt out easily when our children fail and are frustrated.
As parents,
we rarely restrain ourselves to "think before we act", criticize and scold, and come as we please;
we stand at a height that is taken for granted physiologically,
we have the control to do whatever we want financially,
We don’t seem to care so much about a child’s inner feelings;
We can no longer recall how painful those inner grievances were when we were young.
We stand on the commanding heights of the elders and regard ourselves as experienced;
We have only forgotten that at this time, he is just a child who needs comfort.
How much empathy can you have when facing your child’s emotional stress?
There is such an example on Weibo:
There was a family of three sitting opposite. The son, who was about 10 years old, bought three high-speed rail rice meals and returned to his seat. He looked very happy and said to his father on the seat: "I bought three different flavors. You can have other flavors if you want. There is also a Kung Pao Chicken in it, which is the most expensive."
The child introduced it enthusiastically, thinking that his parents would praise his ability. Who knew that the mother yelled angrily: "Who asked you to buy so much? I asked you to buy food and you buy three portions at once?"
The son was stunned when he looked at it, and said: "Yeah, one portion for each of the three of us."
At this time, the father also spoke. "I'm not hungry, why did I buy so much?"
My mother was so angry that she yelled: "I'm not hungry, who asked you to buy so much. I gave you 100 yuan and you had to spend it all, right?!"
My father immediately answered: "You can spend as much as you want! Leave nothing behind!"
The mother then yelled: "I'm not hungry! I want to return it now!"
Finally, the mother successfully returned the other two meals, and then she sat back in her seat with peace of mind and spoke in a lowered voice for the first time: "Ah, eat your meal quickly."
The son stopped talking and shed tears while eating.
This is a typical example of "no empathy". You can imagine how wronged this child is.
Next, share the famous 5 levels of Karkov empathy in psychology , which is an important part of the "reasonable" counseling technique of psychological counselors.
I think every parent can keep it in mind and gradually learn to apply this theory to parent-child communication.
Then, how to understand the different degrees of the five levels of empathy? Please see the following:
Student: I feel very sad and sad because I have never worried about the college entrance examination. Even if I did, I only estimate whether I can achieve excellent results. well! I didn’t expect that I would lose my reputation. The more I think about it, the more unconvinced I am. The college entrance examination is actually not difficult. People with average grades in my class have all gone to college. I didn’t expect that I have always been the best... I felt that exams could not accurately evaluate a person's performance, and studying was not for exams, so I thought about it and decided to just work, but my parents scolded me. He insisted that I would be successful only if I was admitted to college, and that I must attend cram schools and then take the exam again. I've been fighting with them for several days, but to no avail, and I'm so fed up.
Level 1: Why do you feel so sad? (no empathic reaction)
Level 2: You have always had good grades, but unexpectedly you failed the college entrance examination. (One-sided and inaccurate empathic response)
Level 3: You feel disappointed and sad because you failed the college entrance examination. (Basic Empathic Response)
Level 4: Because you failed the college entrance examination, you feel very disappointed and sad, and you don’t know how to take the road ahead, and you are very confused. (higher empathic response)
Level 5: You have always had good grades, but you never expected to fail the college entrance examination, so you feel particularly disappointed, sad, and a little angry. After discussing with my parents, it seemed that I had to study, but I was really unwilling to do so, so I was very conflicted. (the most accurate empathic response)
As a parent, what level do you think your empathic response can reach?
