Many parents asked me: Teacher Yuner, the child just doesn’t want to go to school. What’s going on?
There are many reasons why children are unwilling to go to school, and I have also discussed these contents in detail before. As for whether the child suffers from depression , anxiety disorder, phobia, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia , personality disorder, our topic today does not involve these aspects. Today I will talk about a reason why I don’t go to school: learnt helplessness.
Teacher Yuner
What is learned helplessness?
1967, American psychologist Martin Seligman proposed the concept of "acquired helplessness". He conducted a classic experiment on dogs. He locked a dog in a cage. There was a door in the cage. He installed an buzzer on the cage. As soon as the buzzer sounded, it would shock the dog. The door was locked. The dog could not escape no matter how hard it was, and it could not escape the electric shock. In this environment, after many experiments, the cage door was opened first, and then the buzzer sounded, and then the dog was electrocuted. At this time, the dog not only did not escape, but also fell to the ground before the electric shock appeared and began to moan and tremble. He could have escaped actively, but was desperately waiting for the pain to come. Seligman Repeat this experiment with other dogs, and it has been tried and done, but the result is the same: when the cage door is opened, the buzzer sounds, the dog will fall to the ground and groan and tremble. No matter how electric shocks you, it will not go out of the door. This is learned helplessness.
Acquisitive helplessness refers to a psychological state in which an individual faces an uncontrollable situation after experiencing a certain learning situation and then forms an uncontrollable perception that no matter how hard he tries, he cannot change the outcome of the matter, and then leads to giving up his efforts.
teacher Yuner
Then why do many children have psychological problems such as learning helplessness?
This starts with the education of children.
The famous psychologist Karen Honey research believes that a person's pursuit of honor leads to this psychological problem. Of course, Honey did not yet learn the concept of sexual helplessness when she studied people's pursuit of honor, because she died in 1952.
Honey believes that honor will bring a person the superiority of above others, leading to his endless pursuit of honor. This kind of honor is very easy to obtain when he was very young, which is the cheap applause I mentioned before. Because these people originally have certain talents, such as: some people have musical talents, some people have artistic talents, some people have better memory, some people have better computing power, etc. It is precisely because of these little talents that are slightly stronger than others that they can easily gain praise, recognition, praise and other honors. As they grow up, their desire for honor becomes stronger, but in reality it is difficult and not so easy to get applause. For example, some people cannot understand the class after going to high school by being clever, and they cannot calm down and study at all, and their grades plummeted. Some people were originally a top student in high school, but after going to college, they couldn't understand the class and couldn't learn it, which lost their halo and honors.
How can they satisfy their pursuit of honor? has only one way to meet these needs, and can meet these needs immediately: that is, through imagination. This kind of accumulated imagination creates a kind of ideal image in his heart. In this process, he gives himself infinite power and noble power: he becomes a hero, a genius, and a god. This is what I said before to deify myself . Since its main purpose is to win honors , he is not interested in the process of learning, working, and achieving success step by step. In fact, he despises this process very much.I'm smart! Why do I work hard to study like those people? Doesn’t that mean I’m a fool? What I want is not interest or knowledge and ability. What I want is this kind of aura that can prove my intelligence.
Teacher Yuner
Maybe many parents cannot understand the above statement. In a simple sentence, it is: He doesn't want to climb a mountain, but he wants to stand on the top of the mountain. Think about it, isn’t this a daydream? Don't put in effort, and want to get results. Obviously, there is no result at all. Therefore, they cannot face the reality and hide at home and don’t go out.
Yaoyao can recite hundreds of Tang poems, 20 children's songs at the age of two, multiplication formulas rolling melons and ripening. Yaoyao has a class monitor, a good student every year, and has won various awards, and a large box of honor certificates and certificates at home. I have also received bonuses many times. He never did his homework every day like other classmates, holding books every day. He basically just listened to the teacher's class, never read the books, and never did his homework. Because he basically scored full marks every time, the teachers stopped pursuing his homework and told the whole class that Yaoyao's name meant to be far ahead.
Some students asked the teacher to evaluate Yaoyao's homework: "Why can Zhang Yao not do her homework?" The teacher said: If you can get such good grades like Zhang Yao, you can also not do your homework. Yaoyao became even more complacent after hearing about this.
Teachers, classmates, relatives, and parents’ colleagues all know that Yaoyao is a "genius". Everyone praises him: Yaoyao is so smart. Yaoyao is the material for Peking University and Tsinghua University. She will definitely go to Harvard, Cambridge for full scholarship. Whenever this happens, a proud smile will appear on Yaoyao's face. This movement of creation continues.
After three years of junior high school, Yaoyao has become more determined to be a genius. He believes that he can do everything. Unlike other classmates, he has lofty ideals and can surpass anyone. He has talent and doesn't have to work hard at all. He can get both honor and money at will.
He got his wish and got into the experimental high school . Speaking of experimental middle schools and experimental primary schools all over the country, we don’t know what experiments we have done, let alone why they are called experimental schools.
teacher Yuner
However, he encountered a problem when he first entered the first year of high school.
His math and physics scores have been declining, and he often can't understand some content in class. His monthly exam scores have dropped from 20th in the class to 40th, and more than 800 of the 1,800 first-year high school students in the school.
Three months after the first year of high school, he started taking leave. He either had a headache today, a backache, or could not sleep all night, and slept until 10:30 in the morning. He let his parents say all the good things, but he was still like a wood and had no reaction at all. As the saying goes, "You can never wake up a person who pretends to be asleep."
Why did Yaoyao perform like this? Because he felt that no matter how hard he tried, he would not be able to get the rankings and honors he wanted, so he simply lay down completely, which means "learning helplessness".
Mom and dad really couldn't stand Yaoyao's like this. Finally one day, mom and dad wanted to sit down with him and said seriously. Dad said: What's going on with you? What exactly did you encounter? My mother couldn't imagine that Yaoyao, who was once so outstanding, was suddenly so decadent. Why?
Yaoyao said: It’s all your problems! How painful it was for me in school! I can't just sit all day and feel uncomfortable all over. I go to junior high school and elementary school because you ask me to do this and that. I have no freedom at all. I live for you, all for your face, and all for your vanity. High school life is so hard, have you ever felt sorry for me? And suppress me every day.
Dad said: We have never suppressed you, never put pressure on you, you have never done your homework since you were a child, and we have never said a word to you.
Yaoyao said: Nonsense! I have been suppressed by you since kindergarten, just to live for you, so I have no freedom!
Dad said: What are you saying? You are playing games at home every day now, and you are wasting your time. If you are more serious and study hard, it wouldn't be so bad, right?
Yaoyao said: I don’t learn it? If I want to learn, I am better than them. Are those who study hard every day have any prospects? I look down on them.
Dad said: You look down on others, but their academic performance is better than you! How can you get better if you don’t study?
Yaoyao glared at her eyes: I just don’t learn! I dropped the door and went to play games on my own bed.
Honey's research found that when the honor he wanted could not be obtained, his pathological ambition would change several times. In school, if he does not get the best score in the class, he will feel an unbearable shame. Later on, he would forcefully drive himself to date countless times with the cutest girls. Later on, he will think about making the most money all day long.
Honey's research conclusions have been surprisingly verified in Yaoyao!
Their class has a class beauty who is beautiful and has a very good academic performance. She has always ranked ahead of Yaoyao. Yaoyao has always approached the class beauty by asking questions. After a year of work, the class beauty has not shown her enthusiasm for Yaoyao. This made Yaoyao very unwilling, and he had never encountered such a problem. Finally one day, Yaoyao mustered up the courage to confess to the class beauties. And the time for confession was exactly the worst time Yaoyao scored in the monthly exam. However, the class beauty said: What are you thinking? I don’t have the time to talk about love, and from then on, I will stay away from Yaoyao. Originally, Yaoyao's academic performance rankings have always been behind the class beauty, and now she has no time to study. Mathematics, physics and chemistry have always been his weakness, and now she has no time to listen to the class. Yaoyao's ranking in the midterm exam dropped to 30, which was a shame for him.
The honor of academic performance is gone, and the honor of talking about girlfriend is gone. Then you can finally get some pleasure when playing games. This is why some children will play games in a black and white way after their academic performance declines. Some parents believe that it is because of games that children are disgusted with learning. In fact, for most people, the opposite is because they cannot get the halo of vanity in their studies, which is transferred to playing games to gain some sense of honor and presence. However, in reality, they actually disappeared.
Yaoyao often does not go to school, which leads to his increasing distantness with his classmates and teachers, and his social functions gradually deteriorating. He even dares to leave his home because many neighbors will ask him: Why didn’t Yaoyao go to school? In order to avoid meeting acquaintances, Yaoyao simply hiked out at night. I slept during the day and played games at night. When I was tired of playing, I asked a few netizens to go out for a walk.
After all, Yaoyao is not very interested in games, and he is becoming less and less present in reality.
Yaoyao suddenly discovered that the shoes he wore could attract the attention of passers-by. Since he discovered this secret, Yaoyao was unstoppable. She either asked for money for her parents to buy shoes or clothes. She only bought a few sets of branded clothing and various shoes a month. In order to let others see his clothes, he would find a reason to go around the street all day during the day.
That's it. Yaoyao now spends more than 3,000 yuan to buy clothing in a month. As long as your parents don’t give you money, Yaoyao will smash the house. The TV was smashed, the air conditioner was smashed, the fish tank was smashed, and the dining table and chairs were smashed. Once, my mother was pushed to the ground, her forehead was broken and her blood was flowing on the corner of the table. After 8 stitches, her kneecap was crushed.
teacher Yuner
Yaoyao This case is a typical growth process of learning helplessness caused by the pursuit of honor, which then develops into psychological problems.
So when facing Yaoyao now, how should he get into normal study and life?
Freezing for three feet will not last a day.
Yaoyao is 16 years old this year, and it took about 14 years to form today's problem. There is a saying: An unfortunate childhood requires a lifetime to heal. It seems that Yaoyao’s happy childhood, but in fact, Yaoyao’s entire childhood was constantly engaging in the creation of gods. Yaoyao's growth process is a process of deifying herself. This process of deification cannot allow oneself to study steadily and take knowledge seriously, which makes him only interested in honor but unable to cultivate interest in knowledge, laying the groundwork for future learned helplessness.
If you want Yaoyao to get out of this predicament, the first thing parents need to do is to learn to follow the "three no principles", guide their children with the flow, and be close friends of their children. If you don’t do this, your child will not communicate with you at all. Even if you communicate, you will think that you don’t understand him, don’t care about him, but only care about his grades.
When you can communicate with your children normally, you can guide your children's active interests and guide your children to normal study and life based on their interests.
Solemn statement
