In life, there will always be people criticizing you. How will you deal with others criticizing you? Should I accept it all, argue with reason, or be secretly sad afterwards? After reading the sixth chapter of " Burns New Emotion Therapy ", I got the following insights:
1, only you can let criticism hurt you.
No one can hurt you through criticism alone, why? Because it is yourself who hurts you, because after you hear criticism, you will have negative thoughts in your heart, and these negative thoughts will hurt you. How to avoid the emergence of these negative methods? First, you write down all the negative thoughts, and then compare them with the ten twists in Chapter 3 to study carefully what your negative thoughts are wrong? Then write down a more reasonable and rational reaction.
In my impression, I have a colleague who is quite sarcastic and often says something ugly to hurt me. At that time, when I heard these words from her, I was always sad for a while, and now I don’t have a good impression of her. As the saying goes, "A good word warms up in three winters, and a bad word hurts people in six months." Disaster comes from the mouth. Before you want to criticize others, you should think about your relationship, otherwise the person you hurt will hate you.
I once attended a class reunion. A female classmate wanted to say hello to me, but I told her that I was not familiar with her. In the end, this female classmate avoided me when she saw me. At that time, I was so outspoken that I almost hurt someone, which shows that criticism hurts people. Some people who are criticized will be immersed in inferiority and self-loathing, and at this time they should use the methods given by the author to get out.
2, three steps to solve when criticized
2.1, Step 1: Transfer
The so-called Transfer method means that the patient may only label you at the beginning. You have to look at the problem from her perspective and ask why she labels you and what is the reason for her labeling? Find out exactly what this criticism means.
For example:
Patient: You are a bullshit
Doctor: Why do you think I'm bullshit?
Patient: Everything you do is bullshit because you are slow to react, self-centered, low-level incompetent?
Doctor: What did I do to make you think this way?
Patient: After you see my illness, you drive me away, as if you value money more than cure the disease.
Doctor: What else?
Patient: I originally wanted to make an appointment with you to chat with you again, but you hurriedly called other phone calls and didn't bother to talk to me.
Doctor: Is there any other place that I offended you?
When I was criticized, I would not refute it on the spot, and then I would think about what he meant by myself. I often sulk myself and I don’t have a good impression of this critic.
2.2, Step 2: Disarm the critics
If the critics’ criticism of you are right, then you will be openly acknowledging your mistakes.
If the critic’s criticism of you is wrong, you must also admit that it is wrong, but relieve his anger.
Please see the following conversation:
You (Anger): Dr. Burns, you are a bullshit.
: Sometimes I feel this way too, I often make things bad.
you: There is nothing good about this cognitive treatment.
: There are indeed many things that need improvement.
You: You are also very stupid.
: I am indeed not smart enough.
You: You have no true feelings with the patient.
: Indeed, I feel that I am not doing well enough.
you: Your book is garbage, you don’t have the ability to cure my illness.
: I’m sorry I don’t have the ability.
Disarming method like this can make the patient vent his anger well. Perhaps he can look at things rationally after he vents it. The doctor can also communicate with him calmly.
2.3: Step 3: Feedback and negotiation
The author said that no matter what clothes he wears, there are always patients who don’t like it. In the end, he chose a kind of clothes, and most people like to come to work.
Once, a patient said to him, "I don't like your clothes, your clothes are too formal." The doctor replied, "I do agree with you. If I wear casual clothes, you will feel more comfortable. But after wearing so many clothes, I still think this set of clothes can satisfy the hobbies of most people who come to see me for treatment. So I insist on wearing this dress, hoping that it will not affect the development of our subsequent work."
If the patient still insists that the clothes are not good, just use the same words to reply to him until he is bored.
Usually when someone criticizes you, you can feedback and negotiate with him after you use empathy and disarming laws.
The author did this and reminded me that you cannot satisfy everyone, you just need to satisfy most people. For example, when you work, just complete the work smoothly, that's fine. Some people may have opinions about you, so they don’t care about them. You can’t dominate other people’s hearts, just be yourself.
3, three routes to deal with criticism
There are three routes to treat criticism, one is the sad route. The second is the crazy route, and the third is the happy route.
The sad route is to accept criticism from others, to frustrate one's own self-esteem, to become depressed and useless.
crazy route is to desperately refute critics and think that they are perfect. Sometimes you will quarrel with critics, but your relationship will drop to freezing point.
Happy route is to seriously study whether criticism is right. If it is right, you will bravely admit it. If it is wrong, you will use the transference and disarmament laws taught by the author. .
I treat criticism as a sad line. I think that other people’s criticism is completely correct and I am useless.
20, I worked in a company for four months and was fired. The supervisor told me, "I have not integrated into the collective and I am not capable of doing things." But for some reason, he still wanted me to leave the job until Friday, but I didn't want to stay at all. I didn't want to do anything he told me to do, so he asked me to go through the resignation procedures the next day.
I completely accepted his criticism. I went back to my hometown and lay down flat. I lay down for a year before I came back to work. My work ability is average, but it is not bad. So when we face criticism, we should analyze it carefully and not let criticism cause you to become more depressed.
4, written at the end
I hope that when you encounter criticism in the future, you can use the methods introduced in this article to get out, instead of sulking yourself and making yourself feel depressed.
