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- "Why do you only get B? You can obviously do better": Schemas about perfection or avoiding mediocrity
- "Your legs are too thick, why is your nose so big?: Schemas about ugly and fat
- "Your cousin is in a prestigious university, why don't you miss him at all? ”: About perfect, mediocre, incompetent schema
- "Why do you keep complaining? Do you know how tired I am taking care of you?”: The selfish schema
- "Maybe I should leave and let you take care of yourself": The schema
Schema
Everyone has different reasons for depression, anxiety, and anger. We always have various prejudices when looking at things, and our focus also has different emphasis. Some people care about high standards and strict requirements for themselves, some are worried about being abandoned, some are afraid of emotional deprivation, and some are very sensitive to being controlled by others. It is precisely because of the different issues of life between people that we are different from each other. This difference is everyone's "schema". Schematics are our usual pattern of seeing things. For example, the schema of depression is loss, deprivation, and failure; the schema of anxiety is fear and threatening the future; and the schema of anger includes offense, humiliation, and violation of rules. Research shows that the schemas that cause depression, anxiety, and anger in each person are different.
Everyone has their own habits when looking at things. Some people's issues are always related to success, some are related to rejection, and others are related to the fear of being abandoned. Suppose, your schema is mainly related to achievement. Originally, you did a good job, but suddenly there was a small twists and turns. This was your achievement pattern and it appeared. You felt that you must succeed, otherwise you would be a loser. Work twists and turns will arouse your fear of failure (or mediocrity), and you will become anxious or depressed.
For example, suppose your schema is related to the abandoned issue. You will be extremely sensitive to all signs of rejection or loneliness. You won't feel anxious when your relationship is going steadily. But because you have a specific schema, you are always worried about being rejected or abandoned. Once the relationship really breaks down, you may be depressed because you can’t bear loneliness at all.
Because schemas determine how we look at things, we always pay more attention to content related to schemas. For example, if you have an achievement schema, you will be overly focused on imperfections at work. If you have abandoned schemas, you are always worried that the person you love will leave you. Schematics also affect memory: we are always easy to remember things that support schemas and forget things that are inconsistent with schemas. Because schemas affect awareness of facts, we often ignore information that is inconsistent with schemas. For example, we would say: "This achievement is nothing, everyone can do it." We may also feel that others are looking at us in a specific way, such as “they think I’m mediocre.” "They will leave me", "They want to control me", etc. These prejudices constantly strengthen our thinking, so the schema becomes more and more rigid and more fixed.
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How do we compensate for the schema
If you have a schema about a certain topic, you may try your best to compensate for the missing related to it. For example, your schema is about success or avoiding mediocrity, then you may work too hard to compensate for your fear of mediocrity and make you feel that you are not too far from the standard of perfection. You may check the work over and over again, and others may feel that you have invested too much energy in your work. Leisure and relaxation are sinful to you because you always feel that you are not working enough, and you always feel that there is something else you haven't done. You think that leisure will make you lose your fighting spirit.
If your schema is about being abandoned, you may compensate for your schema by unconditionally meeting your partner’s needs. You are afraid to express your true needs because you are afraid to be abandoned. You may also repeatedly seek confirmation from your partner so that you can feel safe. This confirmation may not allow your sense of security to last too long, and you will always see the signal that your partner is getting farther and farther away from you. There is also a common form of compensation abandonment schemas, which is to be with people who do not meet your needs because you cannot tolerate loneliness. You may also be stuck in an inappropriate relationship and cannot leave because you feel that you cannot be alone.
You can see that compensation potential schemas will bring a series of problems. "Compensation" will make you sacrifice your needs, overwork, pursue meaningless relationships, anxiety, and repeatedly seek certainty, which will bring about various behavioral problems. And most importantly, compensation cannot really solve the underlying schema. You will almost never question the schema, or whether you should really be unique, excellent, not mediocre and not lonely. So, you will never change the schema. The schema is there all the time, constantly being inspired by various specific events, making you suffer forever.
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How do we avoid schema
Another common problem is "avoid schema". In other words, they are unwilling to face all issues that can question or correct the graphic. For example, your schema is about failure. This view is deeply rooted in your heart, and you feel that you are really incompetent. Well, to avoid this schema, you may avoid any challenging work or give up on difficult tasks early. For example, your schema is about being unlovely and unattractive. How to avoid this schema? You may avoid socializing with others so that they will not reject you. You don't want to go on dates or ask friends to play because you have already preset that others can get nothing from you. For example, your schema is about being abandoned. Then you won't get close to anyone, and you will end the relationship first in the early stages of getting along, so as not to be abandoned by others later.
Another way to avoid schemas (regardless of schemas) is to avoid emotions through substance abuse or extreme behaviors, including alcoholism, drug use to paralyze yourself, overeating, or promiscuity. You may feel that it is too painful to deal with thinking and feelings, and you must indulge in extreme behaviors to avoid this pain. These behaviors temporarily buried fear, at least when you are drinking or drug-taking, you don’t have to think about anything. Of course, bad feelings always come back because you are not really testing or challenging potential schemas. In addition, addictive behaviors can also aggravate negative schemas, making you feel worse.
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Where does the schema come from
Our negative schema is learned from parents, brothers, peers and partners. Parents have given you a lot of negative schemas. They may make you feel that you are never good enough unless you can become a superior person. They may say that you are too fat and ugly. They compare you with other children and say that you are not as good as others. When you make your own needs, they may say that you are selfish. They may excessively interfere in your study life or try to control you. They may threaten you by committing suicide or abandoning you. Parents have many ways to help children learn negative schemas.
Some real examples given below are negative schemas learned by some people from their parents:
As mentioned above, in addition to parents, we will also get certain schemas from others. Maybe your siblings have abused you, causing you to form schemas about abuse, unlovable, rejected, and controlled. Maybe your partner once told you that you are not good at all, allowing you to form schemas about bad looking, worthless, and unlovable. Sometimes, we even learn certain schemas from social culture, such as thinking that thinness is beauty, and we must have a perfect body. “Real men should grow up like this.” We must be sexy, rich and very successful.Many exaggerated and untrue pictures will also enhance the graphic about perfection, high-end, incompetence, flaws, etc. The environment you are in now may emphasize certain issues and schemas. For example, if you are now in a highly competitive environment, you may develop relevant schemas such as high demands, incompetence, mediocrity, etc. If your partner is a dishonest, unreliable person, you may develop schemas about betrayal and abandonment. The later the schema developed, the smaller the schema developed, the stronger the schema developed in childhood. But these schemas are more or less affecting you. You can also check yourself whether the relationship or environment you are in is causing you to start focusing on something you didn’t care much about before.
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How psychological treatment works
Cognitive treatment can help you in the following aspects
● Identify your specific schema
● Identify how you avoid or compensate schema
● Understand how your schema affects your ability to enjoy a happy life
● Understand how your choices and experiences maintain or strengthen schema
●Examine how your schema is learned
●Challenge and correct negative schema
●Develop new, more adaptable positive schema
●Learn how to develop new schema through healthy interests and values instead of always being troubled by bad past issues
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