Fan Deng : Today we will talk about a book that can help many people, called "How to Overcome Social Anxiety". When I first got this book, I didn’t want to talk about it. What is the reason? I don’t think social anxiety needs to be overcome. It is normal for a person to have some social anxiety, it doesn’t matter. It is very dangerous if a person has no social anxiety at all. As long as you are a normal person, you will definitely have more or less social anxiety.
Why did I decide to talk about this book later? Many of our colleagues think that this matter is serious now. The more people use social software, the stronger our social anxiety will be. Many people are reluctant to make phone calls and like to post texts for many things. I just made this happen. I used text to solve everything that can be solved with words. I used pronunciation to solve what cannot be solved with words. I made an appointment to call. Calling becomes something that takes a time to do and then do it seriously. The reason is that we are becoming less and less likely to talk to others.
Social anxiety is definitely not only happening in situations like attending social gatherings, even making phone calls is one of them. This is a real pain, so I'm willing to help everyone solve it. Second, there is an opinion in this book that I appreciate. He said that overcoming social anxiety is actually an opportunity to learn. You should know that social anxiety is something that helps us grow, and you correctly view the growth it brings to you. This is a growth-oriented mentality.
So what is social anxiety and do you have social anxiety? Let's do a simple test first. I asked you about 25 situations. If you have one, you can write them down. The more some situations you have, the more serious your social anxiety will be; the fewer some situations you have, the closer you will be to calm.
1. I feel nervous when I have to talk to someone with authority, such as the teacher and the boss;
2. It is difficult for me to have eye contact with others;
3. I feel nervous when I have to talk about myself or my own feelings;
4. I find it difficult to get along well with my colleagues;
5. I feel nervous when I get along with others alone;
6. I am worried that expressing my own opinions will make me look stupid;
6. 4
7. Returning goods in the store makes me anxious;
8. I find it difficult to object to other people's opinions;
9. I always worry that I don't know what to say in social situations;
10. I get nervous when I interact with unfamiliar people;
11. I always feel that I will say embarrassing words when communicating with others;
12. I worry about being ignored among a group of people;
13. I am not sure Determine whether to say hello to someone who is only considered to be acquainted;
14. If others can hear me calling, I will be uncomfortable;
15. I will feel embarrassed or anxious when eating or drinking in public;
16. I will feel anxious when performing, playing or speaking in public;
17. I will feel uncomfortable when others watch me do things;
18. I will be anxious when I make a phone call, send an email or text someone I don’t know very well;
19. Has difficulty speaking in class or meetings;
20. Going to the public toilet makes me anxious and shy;
21. It is difficult for me to talk freely with the people who attract me;
22. Exams make me anxious;
23. I feel stressed and anxious when hosting parties or events;
24. I find it difficult to refuse salesmen or lawyers;
25. I don’t like to be the focus of everyone’s attention.
I roughly calculated that I may have five or six, which is relatively less anxious. This is also a process of exercise. As I have been giving speeches over the years, my anxiety is definitely slowly declining. This also conforms to the principles mentioned in the book. But before, if I think about my status twenty years ago, I might have to say more than half of my status.
, a very important phenomenon brought about by social anxiety, is called "self-escape". So if you want to understand how serious your social anxiety is, you can see how serious your self-escape is.What is "self-escape"? A group of friends were having a party together, everyone was chatting, you pretend to look at your phone, "I have something to do, I'm very busy", and you are anxious to look at your phone. This is a phenomenon of self-escaping. If you go to other people's houses, don't play with others, and you will think that other people's cats and other people's dogs are particularly fun. Because it is difficult to talk to people, it will be better to play with dogs, which is also a self-evasion. Then, our family will hold a party during the Spring Festival, and many people will take the initiative to go to wash dishes. They will go to avoid chatting after the meal. These are all acts of self-escaping.
Social anxiety is divided into three layers, the most common one is social embarrassment, which means that sometimes it is a little nervous and the words it says are not very appropriate. Once a waiter served the food and said: Come on, use it slowly. Then the man said: So are you. This is the result of habit, the tension and discomfort.
I once encountered this situation at a party, and the chatting of two girls is very fun. A girl told another girl: You are so beautiful, you are so beautiful today. Then the girl said: You are so beautiful. This is typical social embarrassment, which means that the speech has become inappropriate, which is a bit strange. Because she was nervous, what she said was inappropriate.
The second condition is called daily social anxiety, that is, shyness. This shyness will cause you to lose your chances. One person thought of eating donuts in the shop opposite, but when he was about to cross the street, he saw an acquaintance coming. He thought about it and forgot, stop eating it, and left, even giving up the opportunity to eat donuts. This is what we call daily social anxiety that leads to shyness and loses a lot of opportunities.
The most serious thing is called extreme shyness, extreme shyness can lead to social anxiety disorders. Everyone knows that social anxiety disorder is a mental illness, which is the third disease among all mental illnesses. The number of people suffering from social anxiety disorder is second only to depression and alcohol dependence. So what kind of performance proves that you have reached this level of severity? If this anxiety causes you pain and makes you feel that it is a very serious problem in life, you have suffered a lot of losses and often struggled with it, this is the social anxiety disorder.
But here you need to know that social anxiety also has advantages. Mahatma Gandhi was a typical patient with social anxiety disorder, but he later gradually overcome it and became a national hero in India. Gandhi said that when he looked back at the mistakes he made when he was young, and when he had social anxiety, he had a sense of pleasure. In other words, there is also its shy beauty and its fun, so we must look at this matter correctly.
So how does social anxiety occur? Here is a case: Jim is a person with serious social anxiety. When he even saw the girl he liked in the town appear, he would suddenly squat behind the car and hide, not wanting to see the girl. He likes people, and he knows that the girl may also like him, but he will squat behind the car and dodge. Until later the girl moved and left the town, he felt that this was a lifelong regret. Later, when he grew up, he met this girl. The girl said: Do you hate me? Jim said: No, I actually like you very much. The girl said: I like you very much at that time, but I thought you hated me, so I left.
How did Jim get this social anxiety? When he was a child, his mother would clean him up every day when he went out, saying that you must be decent. Once he goes out, his mother will ask: Who did you see today? How did someone tell you? How do they evaluate you? What did that lady so-and-so say? It was his mother who would ask what others thought about their family during this day. This is the first source of social anxiety, called inheritance. For example, if you don’t write clearly in your genes, you will be cowardly, but if you are bullied on campus when you are in school and then you become cowardly, this feeling of cowardice will be passed on to your children.
So when you have a mother like this, she cares very much about what others think of you, and she will worry about what others say and what others think of you, and this feeling of anxiety will be passed on to the child. There is no objective evidence for this anxiety, and it cannot be seen through physical phenomena, or a lesion in the brain to see this thing. It is self-report, and it is our own words: I feel very anxious, I feel very painful. Another source of
is acquisition. For example, Jim's mother is likely to have learned it not through her grandmother. She is judged by others in life and then becomes anxious. This is called a learning process, which is learned. It is a very important reason why we develop social anxiety.
The essence of social anxiety is to be afraid of exposure, what are you afraid of? Fear of exposing our anxiety, our appearance, our personality, and our social skills, these four things are the things we are most worried about being discovered by others. Once others find that I am not good-looking, once others find that my legs are thick, once others find that I will not say hello to others at all, once others find that I am not able to tell jokes, then I will be judged hard by others. Worrying to expose these four conditions is the essential driving force for us to develop social anxiety.
So Jim decided to change because he had been escaping for so many years. So, he later chose to find this author for psychotherapy and eventually became a very popular man.
We also need to know the benefits of social anxiety. The first thing is that "social consciousness" cannot grow wildly. Just like an apple tree, if the apple tree is not pruned and no one prunes, the taller it wants, and the fruit it bears is generally not delicious. You have to trim it to produce good fruit. If social consciousness grows wildly without any restraint, you want to socialize with anyone and want to know anyone you meet, then this person is probably crazy.
Social anxiety can bring about group harmony. Just think about it. If a person cares about what others think of him, then this person is at least a good person, and this person is at least a person who cares about other people's opinions, so he can bring group harmony. If we talk about the book " Countryside China " written by Mr. Fei Xiaotong , we will know how much Chinese people in the past cared about their neighbors' views. If the neighbors say something bad, this person will even die. Of course, that behavior has reached the extreme. We don’t want that, but at least it will make us value the collective feeling more.
Therefore, group harmony may also bring a sense of personal security, that is, when you use the method of escape and when you care about your image, this will bring you a sense of security. Then people with social anxiety are often better partners, they are more likely to understand other people's feelings and become better partners. In 1980, Harvard had an experiment on behavior inhibition in children: they found many children, and the experts who participated in the experiment explained many fun games to these children and observed the performance of these children. Later they found that some of the children had "behavioral inhibition". What is "behavior inhibition"? Even this child will be very curious, but he will hide behind his mother to watch, and some children will take the initiative to participate in this expert's activities. Children are divided into two types, one is caused by child behavior inhibition, and the other is not.
Then slowly observe these children growing up. By the time they reach 13 years old - you know that by the time they are 13 years old, this person has entered puberty, grown up, and grown taller - they have a boundary. What are the most typical characteristics of this division? There seems to be no obvious difference in their IQ, learning, and popularity. Children's behavior inhibition is ultimately reflected in social anxiety.
That is to say, after the age of 13, children with children who have children's behavioral inhibition in childhood will experience more social anxiety. Its data are more than three times that of children without behavioral inhibition, with 34% of children with behavioral inhibition having social anxiety, while only 9% of children without behavioral inhibition having social anxiety.This is a very significant difference. So, what do 66% of children with behavioral inhibition but no social anxiety look like? Behavior inhibition has penetrated its bone marrow, but they still feel normal, why? Because these people found another name, called "introverted people".
Please pay attention to the distinction. An introvert can have no social anxiety - I am just introverted, but I do not have social anxiety. I am unwilling to participate in those activities, but I will not be afraid of it. However, whether an introvert or an extrovert may have social anxiety and fear, which is very great. And if a person really becomes an introvert, he actually doesn't need to change.
There are only two ways to change social anxiety, which is the point. The first one is called practice, and the second one is called "cognitive behavioral therapy". These two methods can effectively change the problems of our social anxiety.
First of all, we need to know what kind of reactions are happening in the mind of a socially anxious person. In fact, there is only three seconds difference between a so-called social anxiety and a person without anxiety. What is the difference between three seconds? When each of us meets strangers, the amygdala in our brains will react: Oh, I’m nervous, there are strangers, I need to show it.
Then at this moment, if a person without social anxiety, his cerebral cortex will immediately correct the amygdala and say: It's not that serious, just chat with people happily. The cerebral cortex is responsible for rationality, and the amygdala is responsible for excitement. So when the amygdala is excited, the cerebral cortex immediately comforts it and says, "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter." For those with social anxiety, the cerebral cortex will also comfort the amygdala, but it will be three seconds slower. It was this three-second slow time that made the person probably chose to escape.
So don’t think that social anxiety will be different, it’s just three seconds. These three-second delays will cause a change in our behavior. We may become cramped, and we may become evasive, not wanting to talk, go play with our phones or pet cats.
Psychologists specially found a group of such people for four months of cognitive behavioral therapy: when negative language appears in your mind, learn to correct it immediately. After four months of training, compared with the control group, researchers found that the brain scans of people who underwent cognitive behavioral therapy were much calmer. His cerebral cortex is active faster and faster, without the three-second delay.
So social anxiety is treatable, just like I used to speak in public and I will definitely be nervous. I participated in a debate when I was in college. When I stood up to speak, my legs were shaking so that the table was almost kicked over, and it sounded "gurgling". Later, my companion pressed my legs and I was able to speak well.
But as I debate and give speeches again and again, I still don’t tremble when facing thousands of people’s speeches. I even started to write before I went on stage, and I thought about what I was talking about today, and there was no problem. Because your brain is calm on the stage and you don’t need to memorize words on the stage, how can you do it? It was just practiced many times, and actually made many corrections to cognitive behaviors, which made my brain calm. I can do this, and everyone can do it.
There is another principle here, which is "not enough to eat". The ancient Chinese people said "I can't eat enough" - we have lunch today, eating big cakes, steamed buns, and what to eat... We said a lot, but you are still hungry, which is called "I can't eat enough". So how can I eat enough? You have to eat it really well, so practicing is a very important thing.
Then we will enter the process of how to learn.
First of all, what we have to deal with is the inner judgment in our minds. The fundamental source of social anxiety is that there is a voice in your mind who always judges you: You are terrible, and you will be ridiculed by others in this way. This author himself has serious social anxiety.Their children went to kindergarten. Once there was an activity where every parent had to take some tasks and volunteer for the kindergarten. The task she received was to help kindergarten purchase, which was to buy food for kindergarten children. As a result, she had to buy a lot of bananas in the supermarket. She bought a basket of bananas for so many children. She thought it was so weird. This was really embarrassing. Who would buy a car of bananas to go home? She began to judge herself: This is too embarrassing.
At this moment, an acquaintance suddenly came. The acquaintance called her name. Her face turned red and she was so nervous. This made the acquaintance very scared and said, "I did something wrong?" No, she actually bought a lot of bananas and was seen by others. Buying bananas will make a person very panicked. The reason is that we like to judge ourselves too much, saying that you are so weird, you are really different today, you are so weird.
I remember when we were young, we would be nervous when we just wore a new piece of clothing to go to school and felt that others would look at us. In fact, often after a whole day, no one else notices that you are wearing a new piece of clothing. This is a typical inner judgment. Inner judgment is for our good, but it is counterproductive. Inner judgment originally hoped that we would not make a fool of ourselves and that we would be more popular, but it would backfire. Because of excessive fear of exposure, we are more likely to be exposed. So when we are anxious, we will think of many negative words.
The author did a very simple experiment, which was to memorize a lot of words for the two groups of people, including good, bad, anxiety-related, normal, and positive words. After remembering a lot of words on both sides, the researchers asked one group of people to give a speech later, give a presentation to everyone, and then the other group just sits and watch. So the group of people who were going to give a speech was obviously anxious, and the group of people who were responsible for watching it was not.
Next, the researchers test which words they remember, which is a very simple psychological experiment. You will find that the group of people who want to give a speech remember more negative words in their minds, that is, those words such as bad, nervous, painful, stressful, and unconfident, while those sunny and positive words are easily filtered out. This is the feeling that anxiety brings us.
If you want to know what you are most sensitive to and most likely to have such an inner judgment, you will just complete such a sentence:
When I ______ (a social occasion that feels anxious), it is obvious that I ______ (an inner judgment points out my problem).
For example: When I met a strange woman, it was obvious that I was unattractive, it was obvious that I was very cramped, and I didn’t know where to put my hands, etc. You can see where your weaknesses are. The characteristic of internal judgment is that you will underestimate yourself and overestimate the importance others attach to you.
Once we get involved in a struggle online, for example, if you have been scolded by others online, you will feel amazing. But in fact, those who scold you are a drop in the ocean can be ignored online. But as people involved, we feel particularly painful. The reason is that internal judgment will make these words scolding you more amplify, so he will tend to underestimate himself and overestimate how much others value this matter.
What is the image I often comfort myself? When Mrs. Thatcher came to China to visit, she fell down in Great Hall of the People and fell there. If you are the person involved, you will feel that you will never forget this matter for the rest of your life, right? But if you are not the person involved, you will feel that this does not prevent her from being a politician, and it does not prevent people from making a movie called "Iron Lady: Strong and Tenderness".
But people’s judgment of themselves is completely different from others’ perceptions of themselves.So when you have this inner doubt, what do you need to ask yourself? It is "Is that useful to you?" that is, is this inner constant self-judgment useful to you?
If you are not sure, you can try a two-day experiment: on the first day, you throw all your anxiety to the next day, you say that I will think about this anxiety tomorrow, I don’t want this anxiety today; then on the second day, take out all your anxiety, predict and think repeatedly, just like if you don’t think about it, you can’t recover. When you recover, ask yourself, which day is more pleasant? Which day will be more effective? I bet you absolutely don't want to repeat the experience of the next day. In other words, many of our worries and anxiety about what others think of us have, and those things have not happened at all. And if you immerse yourself there, it will backfire. It wants to help us live better, but it doesn't make us live better. How can
defeat our inner judgment? Here are two very effective methods that I've tried. The first method is called "replacement". Replacement means that you cannot be anxious for no reason. You should indicate - the word used by the author is "indicate, indicate, indicate" - three "indicates" are used in succession.
For example, when you feel very confused and you say that my performance that day was terrible, everyone will laugh at me, I'm done, I can't see anyone after I'm in school. At this time, you need a voice to stand up and stand up like a lawyer’s defense and say: Who will laugh at you? What would he say? Are there many people like this? How many are there? On what occasion? Under what circumstances? What would he say? When you find the "pointed" direction very seriously and visualize it, you find that the worst situation is actually nothing great, this is "replacement".
first needs to make it clear. What we often feel anxious about is a vague feeling, just like my wife said at home that day that they were going to introduce a new policy, and these employees would definitely have opinions, which was very annoying. I happened to read this paragraph and then asked her: Who? Who has any opinions? Where are the opinions? What would he say? Then she thought about it, and after thinking for a while, she said, it seemed nothing was wrong. You see, this is a typical replacement method, which is when you can use the specified method to figure out what the worst outcome will be, who will say what he will do, and what he will do in the future. This is called "decatastrophic". The idea of catastrophic
is a vague feeling, just inexplicably irritated and don’t know what to do. But once you ask it clearly and decay, even if this happens, there will be only one or two people saying one or two unpleasant words. It doesn't matter, it doesn't change much to our lives. This is the first move, very effective, called replacement.
The second trick is called "hug". What is "hug"? Imagine you enter a swimming pool and see two coaches teaching your child to swim. A coach was here, shouting loudly at the child: You fool! Can you swim? Come back for me! Then physically punish him. What do you think that child can learn? When I was a child, I accompanied my children to learn swimming, and three or four children dropped out of school and stopped studying.
But there is a coach there. He can understand the child, he can express his feelings, and then guide the child to do the next moves and teach him step by step. We found that there is often an irritable coach in our minds. The guidance given to us by this irritable coach is called counterproductive. It is him who constantly criticizes us, he has no sympathy for us, he makes our change more and more difficult, and often we give up on some things, making us think: That's it, I am like this in this life. Just like you always nag someone to be late, you always accuse him of being late, and the result is that he will be late and may not change in this life.
So what can be changed effectively is to embrace our anxiety, which means you have to learn to compassion and build that understanding coach in your mind. How to do self-sympathy? First learn " Mindfulness "."Mindfulness" is very important. By looking at something, smelling something, touching something, and listening to something, called color, sound, fragrance, taste, and touch, these things can bring us back to "mindfulness" and let us return to the present. You will find that returning to the present is actually not so much trouble, and we are often worried because of many things that have not happened. Therefore, learning to maintain "mindfulness" is the first step that can make us calm.
Then often do some self-friendly behaviors, which is to tell yourself in your mind: You are constantly improving, this is an opportunity to learn, and you have worked hard. And you have done better than last time, and I believe you will do better next time.
The third one is to tell yourself that human nature is common. I probably understood this when I was in college. I often made a fool of myself when I participated in debate competitions. Later, I suddenly realized that everyone could not remember the part of me that I made a fool of myself. How did I realize this? It's because when I saw other debaters debate, I found that what I remember was often the best time for this person - this person is so powerful, this person is so great, that time is really amazing - but I can't remember the time when he lost, the time when he said the wrong thing. Later I thought, since I am like this, I'm afraid others are the same, right? So I slowly felt the audience's kindness, which is called understanding that human nature is common. How you treat others, often others will treat you, so if you can do it and make yourself a kind person, you will be able to perceive the kindness of others more.
We always act as "melon-eating crowds", and we always think that it is a very miserable thing for someone to be "eating melons". But in fact, if you really understand human nature, you will find that you will get tired of eating melons after two days of eating. As long as these two days pass, this matter will pass and that person returns to become a normal person. So you will know how so many big stars who are "eating melons" finally return to normal life step by step, and they finally become normal people. This is "human nature is common."
Once you understand these three things - mindfulness, self-friendliness, and understanding the commonality of human nature, you will be able to learn to embrace, you will be able to learn to be kind to yourself and refute your inner judgment.
Finally, let’s summarize the internal judgment. The author said: "Inner judgment only wants you to do your best, but it makes you know this in an ineffective way, so please reason with it, tell it how powerful you are, and remind it to be friendly than criticism. You have to tell the inner judgment that I will lose my companionship now and face some fears."
If we are influenced by this inner judgment all day long, we don't have the courage to face real fears. We have no way to deal with the difficulties we really have to face, and think about how to say appropriately in social situations, because you are fighting with the voice in your mind. And where did that sound come from? It may come from the inheritance of your mother when she was a child, or it may come from the learning generated by the experiences you encountered when you were a child. So these things are all permeated, allowing us to know how internal judgments should be solved: learn to replace them, clarify them, and then learn to embrace them. At this time, you will treat yourself more gently and kindly.
next is action, what should be done to solve this problem? There is an example here: a man named Brandon found a target for himself. He said that I wanted to photograph many people on the streets of New York, and he ordered himself to photograph hundreds of people on the streets a year. You know that people on the street do everything, and some people are begging, and you want to go over and shoot them. This is very impolite. So he wanted to discuss with someone: Can I take pictures of you? This is a stressful thing for a person with social anxiety. Think about it, you went to the street to see an old man, and you said: Uncle, can I take pictures of you? This requires courage.
But this Brandon said, I have to do it. He ended up over this, and he found that the percentage of getting YES (consent) was much higher than he expected.I just didn’t encounter someone who suddenly drew his gun and said: If you dare to shoot me, I will shoot you! This is the situation he imagined in his mind. Most people say: OK, come on. Even if someone refuses, it is not that embarrassing.
So this author said: "How to act? You have to pretend that you can do it first." If you tell yourself that you just can't do it, then you may really not do it; but if you pretend that you can do it first, then you have a chance.
Another case: People asked a famous talk show star - the talk show he said was very humorous and fun - and asked him: Why do you like being followed so much? He said because I was shy. Do you think these two sentences are contradictory? You are shy, how could you be willing to be noticed? In fact, it is not at all contradictory. There are many such people who perform very well in front of ten million people, but they are very shy in front of ten people.
Everyone think about Stephen Chow . Stephen Chow is a typical nonsensical person when acting in a movie. He can act no matter how he acts, and he is very open-minded, but during private interviews, he becomes very restrained. He even said that he was an autistic person, which was typical of choosing to gain more attention in order to avoid his shyness. What is the principle of this? This is called "role play". In other words, if you tell Stephen Chow a very introverted and very shy person: you become generous. He couldn't do it, he couldn't suddenly become very comfortable and generous in his daily life because he just felt this anxiety. But, if you tell him: You play this nonsensical role, you are not you, you are a role. It doesn't matter to him, so role-playing can effectively help us start pretending we can do it.
This is a very effective method called "the importance of structure". Structure is presented by roles. Here is an experiment that does this: a group of people are waiting for treatment, some have social anxiety, some don't. At this time, an actor was arranged to come in, and this person was responsible for chatting with everyone and chatting with everyone. You think people with social anxiety don’t like to chat with others. So at this time you ask him how he feels. Those people say it’s so annoying, it’s really stressful, and they have to chat with me. He will feel uncomfortable.
But if we assign a task to everyone, you need to understand the family characteristics and their professions of the people around you when waiting for the clinic. When you assign such a task to every patient, you find that everyone's anxiety has dropped significantly. Why? Because he has a role, he has a structured arrangement, which will make him feel very comfortable.
So you all understand that kind of blind date. Why do you have an eight-minute date? If you put this group of people here and say, everyone should be more comfortable and have a cocktail to chat! For introverts, it is a disaster, and only those extroverts will feel happy. Many people can't talk, it's very painful. But you become, OK, eight minutes will come, change seats. You find that no matter how introverted a person is, he can talk to others because he has solved this problem. This is his task and he must chat with the other party within these eight minutes. So, this structured approach can effectively help us solve our inner anxiety, which can quickly reduce your anxiety.
So how do we apply this trick? Wherever you go, ask others to arrange an eight-minute time for me? No, you need to learn to find a role for yourself. This talks about a girl working in a hospital and she is very introverted. You know that the most disadvantage of introverts is to have meetings. Whenever they encounter meetings, others are arguing, talking, and talking about their opinions. She thinks that I am a little bit light, just forget it, I won’t say it anymore. If you don’t say it, you will feel uncomfortable and painful again. Many opinions have not been expressed and become the company’s little transparent.
Results One day she received a feedback that a patient told her.The patient said: Thank you very much for the matter you helped me fight for last time, especially good, thank you! This incident gave her a huge inspiration, so she added a role to herself, called "I am the spokesperson for the patient." After she confirmed the role of "patient spokesperson" for herself, she suddenly became daring to speak at the meeting because she was willing to say: I will say a few words on behalf of the patient.
You see, such a small role arrangement makes you relax your judgment on yourself, because you do not represent yourself, you have someone else in your heart. So do you know why Confucius said, "A benevolent person will not worry"? "Worry" means anxiety. Why don't a benevolent person worry? Because a benevolent person has others in his heart, and I am talking for others, why should I be anxious? At this time, this role can effectively help us reduce social anxiety.
I personally have experience in this area. When will I be in good condition for the speech? I often hypnotize myself before going on stage: I want to talk to the stage today, and there will be many parents sitting down below. I'm not saying this to show them how smart I am, and how much I know, that doesn't matter. Please note that whenever I perform poorly, it is when I always want to show myself to be very good. It is when you always think about "How can you make them think I am awesome?", your speech must be in a bad state, you are exaggerating, you are shouting, and your voice will be very tired after the speech.
But if I go on stage today, I think I will say a few words for the children. I hope that more children can live a happy life and help them tell their parents about their feelings. At this time, you will be very calm on the stage and speak softly and slowly so that everyone can listen. Thinking about it now, this is actually giving myself a role - I am the spokesperson for the children. After giving this role, the speech will immediately become much softer and you will reduce that anxiety.
If you did not reach a very comfortable state at the beginning, we need to set a structure for ourselves: What kind of role should I take on when I come today? When you are here as such a character, you will easily find the feeling of being in water.
But the author reminds you here, that is, don’t create an escape structure for yourself. What is the structure of escape? You attended the party and said that my task today is to help everyone wash dishes, and this is the structure of escape. Once this structure is built, you will hide and wash dishes and you will not talk to people, so you need to give everyone a structure. For example, you are the only Chinese in this party, and all the others are foreigners, you are the only Chinese - what structure is given? The purpose of my visit here today is to hope that everyone will learn more about China. Look, have something to say? You know what you should say, right? You will talk to others: What do you think of China? Like what China is like now? Let me tell you what China is like now. At this time, your words are coming, and you know what to say, and it won’t become very embarrassing. I don’t know what to do there. So don’t give yourself a structure to escape, but give yourself a structure that is integrated into it, as it will be easier for us to relax.
structure is a very important starting point for role-playing. What is the next thing to do? After finding the structure, you know what to do, and the next step is to do it, repeat it again and again. Here is a very famous author named Albert Ellis, who is one of the founders of the Department of Psychology at Columbia University. This is a very famous professor. He was 19 years old in 1932. He felt that he was particularly shy and wanted to meet girls. It is normal for a 19-year-old boy to meet a girl, but he feels that he is too shy and is unwilling to talk to any girl. He will be nervous when talking to all girls. What should he do?
He set a task for himself, and he said he would sit down and chat with any girl he met. He saw someone sitting there on the road, and he would immediately sit next to him and chat with someone.As a result, within that month, he chatted with 130 women. What was the result later? The result is not to say whether he has found a girlfriend, but that he is no longer afraid of chatting with women. And he found that chatting with women would not die. He talked about 130 women in a month, and it doesn’t matter. Later he became the founder of cognitive behavioral therapy, and it was the story of such a psychologist.
There is a picture here that I want to share with you. This picture is the process of our journey from madness to relaxation. When you first start to enter social situations, you must be crazy, and everyone is like this. I don’t want to attend parties. I especially don’t like to attend the so-called party because I don’t know what to do, so you will feel anxious as soon as you enter. When you are anxious, if you choose to escape and go straight to a relaxed state, this is easy to do. For example, you go to wash dishes immediately, or go to check your phone immediately, and go to the balcony to drink alone... If you don't talk to others, you will easily go from crazy to relaxing.
But do you know what the price is? The price is that you have to do this next time. Then you will miss a lot of social opportunities because you will always escape directly here. But if you are willing to stick with it, be brave and hold on during this crazy time, don't leave, chat with them for a while, and then you find that you will gradually relax.
is OK, look at the next picture. This is the first process of relaxation, this is the second process of relaxation, and this is the third process of relaxation. Like Albert Ellis, after he did it more than 130 times, this matter was basically flat and eventually turned into a "mole mound". "Mole Mound" means a state of low anxiety, and then goes straight down. So just like why I am not afraid of public speeches now, it is because I have spoken it several hundred times, and the result is that anxiety has completely become a small "mole mound". Before I go on stage, I can chat with people and be interviewed by reporters because you are already used to this matter. This is the "exposed method", which has helped many people.
The author said that there was a Chinese child named Jiang Jia, whose Chinese name was Jiang Jia. He went to the United States to start a business, but failed to start a business and owed a lot of money. He was very anxious. What should I do at this time? He said that I had lost money because I failed so much, so I might as well write a book about my failed experience. Writing this book may make money. What book should I write? Jiang Jia thought of a topic and found it very interesting, called "The Courage of Being Rejected". Every day when he goes out, he has to ask others some strange things. What a strange thing? For example, when he saw a strange security guard standing there, he went over and asked: Can you lend me one hundred yuan? Then the security guard said: What did you say? The black security guard was so big that he ran away when he asked you what he said. In fact, the security guard was just curious because a stranger suddenly came out to borrow a hundred dollars. However, this is his first exercise.
What did he do in the future? He saw that the burger shop said "Free Refill" - the drink you had finished, you can refill it for free. This is normal in a burger shop. Then after he finished eating the burger, he ran over to find the clerk and said: I want to renew a burger. The clerk was confused: What do you want to continue? He said I want to renew a burger. The clerk said that the burger could not be renewed and he wanted to buy it. Jiang Jia said: Didn’t you say “free refill”? The clerk said: "Free Renewal" is water, not burgers. He said: Oh, I thought the burger was going to be renewed. Then he left. What is the meaning of it actually? There is no meaning, he just wants to exercise his ability to be rejected. He knew that doing this was funny and it was ridiculous, but he had to do this to see other people's reactions. Later he even discovered that many situations he thought others would definitely not agree, but often others would agree.
This is called "challenge your own list". After doing this often, Jiang Jia came to a very interesting conclusion. He said to me, “I didn’t expect that I could hear the other person say ‘yes’ so easily.I realized that I missed countless opportunities because of fear of being rejected, but in fact I was rejecting myself. "He paused for a moment, and in one visitor after another, and in myself, I could see this pause, that important moment, and then his voice was filled with surprise, saying, "This world is much better than we imagined! ”
This author will even assign a task to his patients: when you go to a cafe to buy coffee, you deliberately knock over a cup of coffee. If you accidentally knock over a cup of coffee, it will be amazing to us and hurry up and scrub. However, when you really knock over a cup of coffee on purpose, you will find that people around you show more kindness, just come to help you wipe it, and everyone will do it together. If you find that this matter has not brought you too much problem, it will pass. So "deliberately knock over a coffee" is over. So, "deliberately knock over a coffee." "Became a way of training for them.
But the author emphasized: I asked you to do something embarrassing, I didn't let you play a bastard. You must not make you particularly bad in order to solve this problem, you bully others, you deliberately fight and make things difficult for others, and then you will make your relationships bad. He didn't let you play a bastard, but let you play some ugly and awkward roles. They even had a training to make a person hold a piece of toilet paper behind his butt, that is, to hold a piece of toilet paper on his pants, and then on the street Go. You will feel too embarrassed, but when you get used to it slowly, you find that it doesn't matter.
Doing such a little bit of ugly thing will make your heart stronger and you no longer worry about the "lifebuoy problem" all day long. What is the "lifebuoy problem"? The one that pulls you underwater is that lifebuoy, which makes you unable to float and stay in that place forever, and you dare not let go of this lifebuoy. Lifebuoy represents safety behavior, and many safety behaviors will be misunderstood.
I was reflecting on why there was no girl chasing me when I was in college. ? Actually, this is the reason. I always protect myself and do some safety behaviors, which makes me look very proud. I have also heard others say that I am very proud, but I don’t feel proud at all. But it is your excessive self-protection and your pursuit of safety behavior that makes you dare not make a fool of yourself. You always dress yourself up like a very good person, which leads others to think that you are indifferent, arrogant, noble, etc.
So when you can learn to actively give up these safety behaviors, you will become more comfortable. Then, you can also complete a cloze blank for actively giving up safety behaviors:
My challenge (what would I do if I wasn't anxious): _______.
The safe behavior I want to give up: ________.
At this time, you have to try it again and again through practice like Jiang Jia, and then gradually lower your safety behavior, and slowly you can become stronger.
Even if you even go to a party, but the occasion is not well dressed, you don't receive a notice, you don't know that people are going to wear formal clothes, you are the only one wearing sportswear, and you are participating. It doesn't matter, treat it as an opportunity to exercise. Confucius praised Zilu, saying that Zilu was wearing particularly bad clothes and standing with those wearing fox furs, he could be completely calm and despised.
If we experience these embarrassments and can get along with it calmly, it is very likely that you will become the person who remembers the most at the party. The charm exudes by a calm emotion is very important, so facing your fears, finding your safe behavior, and then changing it through exposure and practice time and time again is the most effective action. So after you go back, first discover your own safety behavior and then make a plan for yourself. Every time you attend a party, arrange a structure and assign a role to yourself. I believe you will become more calm.
Finally, the author listed many traps about social anxiety, a total of six traps.
The first one is "I have to monitor myself and my anxiety all the time." In fact, we should focus on doing things rather than on inner judgment. What is the so-called "mindfulness"? For example, if I focus on this cup of tea, I focus on this cup of tea, then pick it up, feel its temperature, drink it, and experience it. This is "mindfulness". Your thoughts and your actions are united. But what if there is no mindfulness? When we were drinking this cup of tea, we were thinking about other things in our minds and constantly talking inside, and this cup of tea did not have its effect. So, if we can focus things on doing things, "flow" will appear. When we talk about "Flow", the book says: If you feel bored in doing something, it must not be a problem with this matter, but a problem with your method of doing things, so you divert your attention from the inside out.
The second trap is "My feeling is what I look like" . Sometimes I would meet someone who gave a speech and I said it was so good, and he said: Ah? No, I was so nervous. In fact, you can't tell that he is nervous at all, but he will feel that everyone in the audience can see his nervousness and want to find a crack in the ground to get in. Sometimes when you blush, you can't see it. This thing is called the "transparency illusion". A large number of people have the illusion of transparency, and they feel that their inner thoughts can be clearly seen by others, but in fact, others cannot see them, and others think you are very calm and calm.
The third trap is "people will judge me". But in reality, people will forget you very quickly, and that's true. What you should worry about is that others will forget you, not that others will judge you all day, and no one has so much spare time. Confucius said, "I am too busy." I don't have so much spare time to judge others all day long.
The fourth one is "We have to behave perfectly" . This trap will bring us "miss-phobia", which means that we must dare to be mediocre. The mediocrity you act may be more impressive to others; while is a person who works too hard, which makes others feel that they can see through it at a glance, so it is very important to perform normally. We can't know how others will judge us. You can't control that thing. It has something to do with his experience, his values, and the psychological trauma he once had. How can you try to make everyone like you? No matter how good you do, there are still more than half of the people in this world who don’t like you at all, or even hate you, or hate you. This is possible.
So what we can do is to make ourselves dare to be mediocre and maintain a normal situation. should not think that others are better than me. We have talked about a book called "We All Have Been Injured, But Have Been A Better Life". The book says that there are no so-called normal people in this world, and everyone has their own secret pain. The fifth trap of
is "My social ability is extremely poor." If you think your social skills are extremely poor, you will affect your social skills, so you should know that poor social skills are the result of anxiety, not the cause. It is because of your anxiety that your social skills are poor. Don’t make the relationship between cause and effect, so don’t label yourself, saying that I am a person who is not good at socializing, and I am a very anxious person - no, everyone has their own cute side. Some people are not very good at speaking, but they are very popular, so the important thing is that you need to show your inner true part and be friendly to others.
The sixth one is "Drinking alcohol can make me relax." The author of said that drinking is very complicated. In order to participate in social interaction, some people's way is to get three drinks first and get themselves drunk. I got drunk and got excited, and I would have spent this evening. Actually, this is a trap. If social anxiety and alcohol need to update each other's relationship status, it must be complicated. Indeed, studies have found that people with higher levels of social anxiety drink less alcohol but have more alcohol dangers than those who are not anxious.In addition, they are more likely to have what researchers call alcohol-related negative consequences, such as loss of work, injury, uncomfortable sexual experience, etc. These people with social anxiety will cause you a lot of pain if you try to cover up this anxiety by drinking. If you don’t drink, it’s alright, and it’s a big deal. This is a serious problem, so don’t try to relax yourself by drinking. This is a trap to escape.
Finally, the author gave a core suggestion, that is, you don’t have to worry about what others think of you, there is only one thing you need to do, that is, be kind to others and open your heart. is very important, especially nowadays, many girls always feel that they can't get married. This chapter talks about you being careful about your social filters. What is a social filter? When I see a person, I first wonder, is it possible for this person to get married? There is no possibility of getting married - I won’t talk anymore, I will filter it out.
In fact, your filter is an indicator of your over-selecting. You have a clear purpose: I came for marriage. At this time, you find that you will miss a lot of social opportunities. Is it possible that this person is not suitable for marriage now, and will it be suitable for two years? This is entirely possible, so you can't filter socially with a very practical goal. What you need to do is to be warm yourself and be kind to others. This is very important.
A very important principle when socializing is proximity and repetition. What are proximity and repetition? Distant relatives are worse than close neighbors. When colleagues are together, it is possible that they will give you more help than your relatives. Because relatives are far away and colleagues are close. Where is the repetition reflected? If one person wants to be friends with another, it is impossible to simply get to know each other and send two emails. It takes at least six to eight in-depth conversations to become friends. People who always meet at parties may not be able to become friends because you simply say: Hi, we meet again. You two can communicate and chat six to eight times before you can become friends.
If we want to gain friendship in proximity and repetition, you need to assume the leadership role. That is, you have to take the initiative to take on some roles in some gatherings: for example, everyone in the community wants to set up a property management committee, you say I will help you organize the logistics, or I will help you be responsible for this statistics. These tasks will give you more chances of repetition with others and then more information disclosure. Information disclosure does not mean exposing all privacy, but you need to let others know where you came from, what education you received, which school you went to, what your family looked like when you were a child, what your family probably did... When this public quadrant becomes larger, you will easily become more popular.
Another way is to show your liking for others. People like to date people who like them, so if you want to become popular, don’t find fault with others all day long. You have seen good people and good behaviors, and you have to tell them out regularly. It doesn’t work if you like it in your heart. Only by saying it out loud can you know it, so that you can become a warm and friendly person. So, if we have an idea in our hearts: we should care for others and give warmth to others, it doesn’t matter how much we can repay. At this time, your social relationship will definitely become better.
Finally, let me tell you the results of Grant's research, which is very important. Harvard University spent 75 years, through several generations of professors, and completed an observation called "Grant Research". This study started in the 1930s, and 75 years have been to study clearly under what circumstances will a person be healthier and happier? Currently serving as the research director is Robert Valdinger, a professor of psychiatry, who exudes calmness. In his TED speech, he talked about the decades of Grant research that revealed what makes life happy, healthy and meaningful. "The clearest information we get from this 75-year study is that good relationships make us happier and healthier," he said.Those who have richer social connections, that is, those who are closer to family, friends, and groups, are happier, healthier, and longer. " To make this clear, he also mentioned that men in the study who were most satisfied with marriage relationships at the age of 50 were healthier at the age of 80.
Please note that social connections do not refer to numbers or quantity, but quality issues. And what is important is not the type of social connections. You don't have to be married or have a partner. On the contrary, the most important factor in a healthy and happy life is to have warm interpersonal relationships. learns from middle age to old age. warm means kindness and trustworthiness. These traits of promote connections. Grant's research also tells us that connections can bring happiness, health, and longevity. You don't have the same Be cheerful, outgoing, confident or popular. All you have to do is to stay kind, you have this thing.
So from the beginning to the end of this book, you will find that the most important thing in overcoming social fears is kindness. When we keep kindness, keep warm, and are more willing to take the initiative to change ourselves, have a lifelong growth mentality, overcoming social anxiety will become one of the greatest helps in your life. I hope this book can help all of us get out of social anxiety.
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