Ask yourself honestly: Have you ever been surrounded by "fear"? Fear of rejection, fear of making mistakes, fear of other people’s eyes, fear of change, fear of loss, fear of death and loss.
Interestingly, the core of courage is "fear", which is our response to danger, failure, and disappointment.
Fear Fear Anxiety How to adjust
When we are "fearful" we want to "control"
When we feel afraid, we want to protect ourselves. The most common forms of protection include self-control or control over others.
During the consultation process, I found that many people spend their energy on "self-control" and plan everything in advance to try to control future development.
Some people must do things in the order they want, without any disorder, otherwise they will have to spend a lot of effort to rearrange it. Some people want all the details to be clear, and naturally it takes a lot of time to record every detail. There are also some people who want their items to be arranged in a neat order, with clothes placed in different colors and dishes arranged from large to small, and they cannot tolerate any loss of control.
In addition to controlling oneself, what is even more difficult is controlling others, expecting others to reward themselves for everything, requiring others to act according to their own way of doing things, requiring others to abide by their own norms, and even wanting to know the whereabouts of others.
"Fear" hides "hostility"
"Fear" often hides "hostility". When we are uneasy, we often cannot help but compare with others: "How can others have it but I don't have it? I must be better than him."
Behind "comparison" and "competition", there is actually "destructiveness" feelings”. People who are driven by "comparison" and "competition" at work will be particularly obsessed with pursuing "great achievements" and hope that they will "outshine" and become "different".
The most common situation is: "My academic qualifications are relatively good, how can I be assigned to do a subordinate job? Isn't this right? I want to change departments." Or they think: "My contribution to the company is greater than that of other colleagues. Much higher, they are far behind me, so of course the salary must be higher than theirs. "
People with a strong competitive spirit are eager to be appreciated and recognized by others no matter what they do, and the more they want to achieve success. Overcome your insecurities and your fear of failure will grow stronger.
"Fear" will cause "stagnation"
When you are afraid of failure in your heart, it will be reflected in your behavior and you will stagnate. Many people are afraid of unfamiliar things and are afraid that they will face more problems in the future than they do now. When they think of the difficulties in the future, they feel that they are not capable of facing them and simply give up.
When we are afraid of making mistakes, we often say to others: "I don't know what to do, can I not do it?" or want to ask someone else to do it: "Can a senior colleague do it? I may not be able to do it." Competent." Or use past failure experiences to refuse to accept the assigned tasks: "The last time a customer complained, I felt terrible and made me feel insecure. I was afraid of dragging everyone down." Why do
think that he is the best in life. What about the losers? The origin is often due to the destructive messages that have been instilled in you since childhood:
"You are not good, you can't do anything well."
"You move so slowly, I will help you do it faster."
"You lack I don’t have enough judgment and experience, so I’ve figured out what to do for you, you just have to do it.”
”You. It's so pitiful. My parents haven't been around since I was a child. That's why I'm like this. "
" I'll give you another chance. You'd better behave better. "
" If you don't obey me, just give it a try. "
" These messages keep hinting. Us: "You can't do it right."
Now we need to change this damaging message on our own. The real solution is to have the courage to face your own inner disputes.When we are in anger and fear, we naturally cannot distinguish: What is the most important in this matter? What's the meaning behind it?
"Fear" produces "unreasonable anxiety"
Many people encounter bottlenecks in their careers. After exploring the reasons behind it, they find that it is actually their inner desire to win over others. In order to achieve the goal of "win over others", they will become very It’s difficult to make decisions, and you don’t dare to take risks, because if you make the wrong decision, others will judge you, which means you lose.
When "inner fear" exceeds "real danger", you will become very anxious. "Anxiety" is the response to our desire to be superior but to feel inadequate. When the "fear" outweighs the "problem", maladaptation will result. Many people experience "fear and anxiety without reason."
In my consulting experience over the past few years, I have discovered that there are more and more people who refuse to study or work. When we don't have a job, it's natural to rely on others to provide our daily necessities. This behavior means "low social sentiment" but "high self-interest."
If we grow up in an environment of excessive pampering and pampering, or if our family often sends negative and hostile messages, or if we are in an environment that lacks love and warmth, the "fear" emotion will be enhanced to the point that we will not be able to face it when we grow up. For our own life tasks, subconsciously we will use various methods to let others meet our needs. For example, subconsciously we allow ourselves to get hurt: "My foot hurts, and the doctor said I need time to rest." Give others a chance to take care of themselves. During the consultation process of
, I often hear parents tell me: "My child does not feel safe, so I want to accompany him to make him feel safe." The real sense of security is that even if your family is not around, you can still go to school, work, Travel. If the more we accompany someone, the more we withdraw, then perhaps we need to discover that there are hidden hints in “accompanying” that make people shrink and fear, which makes us hesitate to move forward.
"Fear" forms apathy and numbness
When we are overwhelmed by fear and anxiety and don't know what to do, some people will hide in apathy and numbness and show an "indifferent" and "leave me alone" attitude towards everything. When interacting with others, they often emphasize: "Just leave me alone." Or express: "Just treat me as if I don't exist."
Once the interactions with the people around them become more and more indifferent, they begin to Being hostile to others, interpreting other people's behaviors in a negative way, and always feeling that "others ignore you" will gradually lead to you paying more and more attention to yourself. "Care for yourself" far outweighs "care for others" .
Release fears and limitations
In the process of professional training, we all need to receive psychological counseling and explore our inner fears and limitations. When we understand our own thoughts and emotions, we will not project our own issues onto the client and interfere with the consultation process.
When I became a help seeker, I realized that the process of asking for help is not so easy and simple. Just to pick up the phone and make an appointment, I struggled for a long time, constantly thinking about when is the best time to call? How to speak? What qualities of a counselor are suitable for you? What questions will the other party ask me?
really didn’t expect that the process of asking for help would go through such ups and downs and require such great determination. At this time, I began to admire the courage of the person involved: it turns out that "asking for help" requires so much courage.
Many clients have told me that before entering the consultation office, they were filled with fear and uneasiness, wondering what kind of situation they would face. Is the problem too big to be solved? Is it possible for life to get better? After listening to their voices, I will also give back: Facing yourself is the greatest courage.
Adler believes that the best antidote to eliminate fear and indifference is "community feeling". Because when we don’t agree with ourselves, we will also disagree with others. If we can be calm and get along well with ourselves, we can interact with others as we wish.
