This article was first published on the public account: Nuanxing Community Nuanxing Community is a comprehensive platform for autism (i.e. autism) groups - gathering information on autism rehabilitation institutions from all over the country, autism knowledge, information on seni

This article was first published on the public account: Warm Star Community

Warm Star Community A comprehensive platform for autism (i.e. autism ) groups - gathering information on autism rehabilitation institutions from all over the country, autism knowledge, and senior rehabilitation practitioners information and related learning resources. Let the autistic community live a better life ~

If you have an autistic child, will you want a second child? Regarding this issue, some families say "no" firmly, some families are wavering, and some are willing to take a gamble... But what if you already have a pair of autistic twins? Do you still dare?

Sanbao’s mother’s choice is “Yes”!

(Review of the story of twin Xuanyuan: Mother of fifth-grade autistic twins: Junior high school is about to begin, and the future is really confusing! )

Text by Sanbao’s mother

If I traveled back to 20 years ago, tell myself at that time, I will With three sons, I was afraid I would faint on the spot.

Even if I traveled back in time 10 years ago and told myself, who had already given birth to a pair of twin boys, that I would have another third child in the future, I would think that I must be crazy.

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Second child, giving birth? Not giving birth?

There has always been enough room for discussion about whether to have a second or third child. People who agree with it have a thousand reasons to say yes, and people who don’t agree have a thousand reasons to say it’s bad. The two sides are at war with each other, and everyone feels that they are on the opposite side. unusual.

For special families with a star baby, the topic of a second child is even more serious. Many parents known to triple-baby mothers are firm supporters of only children, and their reasons are very good:

A star baby has already made people happy. I am exhausted, and I can’t allocate time, energy, or money again.

It is said that Xingba has a genetic probability. If the second child is also the same, wouldn't it be fatal?

I am afraid that after having the second child, I will neglect to interfere with the elder brother, and all the years of persistence will be in vain.

Besides, it’s not fair to the second child. Will the elder brother become a burden to him and affect his future life?

In short, in a rational life plan, insisting on "having only one child" seems to be a logical thing, especially for someone like me who already has a pair of autistic twins. Even if there are no problems, it will take a lot of effort to have a third child. Great courage.

Unfortunately, life seems to be full of surprises.

After I learned about the existence of Laosan, I was really entangled for a while. I even felt that I should be smarter and rational, give up on him, and stop putting more pressure on myself in a life that is already full of thorns. .

People around me were advising: "It's too difficult. I'm almost exhausted from taking care of them. When the time comes, there will be a third child who has to cry, hold, and nurse. How will you take care of him?"

In the first week , I stood in front of the window late at night and looked at the lights of thousands of houses downstairs. My heart was filled with anxiety. I knew that the road ahead was difficult, that I didn’t have the conditions, and that there would be a lot of hardships in the future, but I still wanted to keep him. , has nothing to do with external things, just the instinct of a mother, If this child can break through all the obstacles just to come to me, how can I turn him away?

And I have always believed that if this is destiny, it must be the best arrangement, such as letting two autistic brothers be my children, such as having a third child.

At that time, only my lover Xiaoha supported me. The two of us clung to each other and walked forward alone. In a blink of an eye, the third child was about to enter elementary school.

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The joy of raising an ordinary child

There are indeed difficulties as expected, including financial pressure, the embarrassment of no one to help, the fatigue of never getting enough sleep, and the hustle and bustle of work and family at the same time. With three children, I screamed, fought, and quarreled, making people disappear. Sometimes, for me, weekends are a hundred times more tiring than working on normal days.

But I have never regretted my original choice.

For me, the existence of the third child allowed me to appreciate the joy of raising an ordinary child. I originally thought that all children cried non-stop every day when they were young and could never be put from my arms to the bed. I'm a little devil who won't let anyone sleep for more than two hours a night, but my third child slept almost fifteen or six hours a day after he was born. Sometimes I would even strangely touch his breathing to feel at ease.

When my children started babbling and even went to kindergarten, they would surprise me almost every day: Huh? It turns out that children can be so easy to teach? You can memorize an ancient poem after reading it three or two times. When you come back, you can read the stories told by the teacher at school. You can write math, English, etc., and you can write the exercises given by the school. I only need to check them once. There is no need at all. Then I tutor alone...

Sometimes I think: Could it be God's compensation? This child is a genius! When I got to the kindergarten, I realized that I had overthought myself and was just an ordinary baby.

But for me, this is happiness and comfort that I have never experienced before. Sometimes teaching the boss and the second child is so exhausting that I can’t write a word a hundred times and still can’t write it. “2+3” It took me five or six years. When I was still about to crack my fingers, I looked back at Lao San, who was doing his homework and playing the piano seriously. He looked like a little power bank. When I touched his head, I felt that life is worth continuing to work hard.

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The "struggle" between the younger brother and his autistic brothers

For the elder brother, the acceptance of Sanbao is a long process. At first, they were curious about what the little meaty ball their mother brought back was, and they looked at Sanbao's state as if When looking at a little pet, it seems fun to go over and pinch its feet and poke its cheeks occasionally.

But soon, they discovered that this "newcomer" would actually distract their mother's attention, so they began to try their best to rob her. They learned all kinds of ways to "rob their mother" without any teacher. When there were only two of them before, It's not obvious yet, but when the third person joins, a small social circle seems to be formed directly. As the third child grows up day by day, each of them begins to study in their own way how to compete for limited resources and how to Negotiate, cooperate, and play games when there are conflicts...

I sometimes worry about whether the allocation of time and energy will delay the intervention of the eldest child and the second child. Later I realized that in such a family with many children, they Every moment is actually in social training, which is much more vivid and effective than our scenario simulations or desktop exercises.

At the same time, because of the existence of the Three Treasures, I can't "keep an eye on" their progress like before. Instead, I put a lot less pressure on each other. My mentality is much better, and they are less. And because of my high pressure, I have the problem of losing control of my emotions. , everyone is relatively relaxed, and naturally I still do what I need to do, but I don’t seem to be so anxious anymore.

It’s interesting to watch the interaction between their three brothers occasionally. Currently, their learning progress is about the same. Sanbao is doing addition and subtraction within 20, and so is his brother. They also compete with each other. That day I was listening to the third child teaching his brother: 4+ 6 equals 10, right? So isn’t 14+6 equal to 20?

Brother was very unconvinced: Do you know what 7*7 equals?

Sanbao, who had never learned multiplication, was dumbfounded and looked at me for help. I snickered, "It's good. Let's compete with each other and make progress together!"

Occasionally, they would remind each other to encourage each other: "Sambo, why don't you throw the packaging bag you finished eating into the trash can!"

"Brother, stop dawdling, mom will be angry again after a while!"

More importantly, They have a unique communication method and language among peers. When the boss and the second child talk to me about Marvel, Planet, and Minecraft without any logic, I really don’t have the patience to listen for more than five minutes, and I also I don’t know how to respond at all, but the third child can chat with his brothers for more than half an hour and roll on the floor laughing.

He will feel from the bottom of his heart that his brother is very powerful , because he knows so many buildings, knows the names of so many planets, and can also play games for him.

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Fall in love and kill each other? Parents are key!

Will parents be biased? What should I do if there is a conflict between children? How to coordinate their relationship with each other? This is also a question that people around me often ask me.

are actually very simple. The first thing to do is to be as fair as possible to and . Favoritism is actually a very subjective word. You cannot guarantee that your time and energy will be divided into three parts perfectly. You can only work hard to look carefully. to the needs of each child.

The little ones need to be fed, the older ones need to be hugged, the younger ones need recognition, and the older ones need encouragement. Always reflect on yourself and pay more attention to the child's status. The child is actually not that squeamish and overbearing. As long as he can confirm that you love him is enough.

I remember when Sambo was first born, in order to give each child the time to "sleep with mommy", I would always take Sambo with me, and then the eldest, second, third, and fifth would sleep with me in turns. But because I breastfeed every day, I tend to sleep on the side of Sanbao. This makes my delicate and sensitive second child very dissatisfied. The result of dissatisfaction is that he started to wet the bed.

I didn’t understand why at first. They haven’t wet the bed since they were three years old. Later, when I thought about it seriously, he probably thought that it was because the baby cried every day, wet the bed and fed milk that someone could accompany him. He also wanted to be treated like a baby. But there was no reason to cry, and I was embarrassed to nurse, so I just chose to wet the bed...

After understanding this, I started to turn over and hold Sanbao to sleep after feeding him every day. As expected, similar problems never occurred again. After

gets older, when they have conflicts, we will basically resolve them in a matter-of-fact manner. The toy belongs to whoever gets it first. If there is a fight, no one will play with it. If you want to exchange, the other party must agree. If you don't agree, you are not allowed to rob. If there is a quarrel and a fight, each person will basically give a fifty-fifty blow, go to their respective rooms to reflect, and then calm down and explain their reasons.

The atmosphere of the family has the greatest impact on the children. My wife and I always remind each other that emotional stability is the greatest virtue of parents . When we always maintain a gentle and optimistic attitude, let the children feel the safety and warmth of the family environment , there really isn’t that much “sibling conflict”.

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The elder brother is not the younger brother’s responsibility

In fact, we have already thought a lot about the future.

Some friends around me will also ask: "Do you want the Three Treasures so that Xuanyuan will have someone to rely on in the future?"

We always shake our heads.

One thing that must be made clear is: they are each other's brothers, the closest people in the world, but they should all have their own lives.

Xuanyuan is the responsibility of Xiaoha and I, not Sanbao.

We will continue to work hard on Xuanyuan's intervention and education. As they grow up day by day, we are also considering finding a better vocational and technical school after graduating from junior high school so that they can learn what they like. Skills that can make a living in the future, and then work hard to mobilize available resources to see if it can help them find a relatively stable job.

We ourselves will work hard to make money in these years. It would be good if we could buy a small store for them, rent it later, or start some small business ourselves. First, we should ensure the basic life, and then consider doing something else.

These are our plans for the future. At the same time, we are grateful to Xuanyuan that such wishes can be realized.

As for the third child, he has his regular route to take, step by step to go to high school, college, employment and so on. He may have to rely more on his own choices and efforts.

When the children become adults, they will all have their own lives and work hard for their own lives. They will miss each other and be tied to each other, but maybe it will only be limited to eating and chatting together occasionally. If there is anything undecided or annoying, the two of them will discuss it with each other, come up with ideas, complain, and relieve the pressure. Celebrating any happy things together is good and enough.

I really think that everything is the best arrangement. Of course, I will not persuade the people around you or you in front of the screen to have a second child. Everyone has the freedom to choose. I just show you the possibility of another life. It may not be as scary as you think. No matter how many children there are, they actually need their parents to educate them carefully and take full care of them. You think so? What?

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