Having a strange place where you can express your feelings is really important for people with depression. In real life, I have always been reluctant to say things I don’t want to say and dare not say. Here I can say it freely. You don’t know me anyway. I'm not afraid that you wi

Having a strange place to express your feelings is really important for depression patients . In real life, I have always been reluctant to say things that I don’t want to say and dare not say. Here I can say it freely, and you don’t want to say it anyway. Get to know me, and I won’t be afraid that you will look down on me. Toutiao asked several times whether to recommend friends in the address book, but I refused decisively for the same reason.

After suffering from depression , many things have changed. Real things have changed, and some normal things in life have become major events as long as they are triggered at one point, such as invigilation.

Invigilating exams is a common occurrence for teachers, and it is extremely common. From the college entrance examination to the primary examination, I was once the main proctor. Although it was a bit tiring, I found it fulfilling and meaningful. It was completely different after I became depressed. Once upon a time, the school’s monthly exams, mid-term and final exams were like mountains, weighing me down so much that I couldn’t breathe. Every time from the moment I knew I was being proctored to the time the exam was actually proctored, I was in a state of high tension and had no sleep day and night. You can't imagine what kind of living situation this is, but I don't want my colleagues and bosses to know the inside story, and I'm afraid that others will label me as depressed. I really can't stand it any longer. I begged my boss hard and cried. I begged them not to arrange for me to invigilate the exam. I don’t know whether they did it intentionally or not, but they turned a deaf ear.

once, I was proctoring a subject in the morning. I was sitting in the office before I came to school in the afternoon to proctor the exam. I couldn’t bear it and completely collapsed. I burst into tears and yelled: I won’t proctor the exam anymore... I don’t know what kind of collapse it was. , the timid young colleagues ran away quickly in fear, the older ones came over to ask, the principal called and the vice-principal rushed over to comfort him. I guess everyone was very frightened, but maybe they didn't know the truth. I couldn't stop the car after crying for a long time. I cried all the way back and continued to cry when I got home. I couldn't explain why.

After this happened, my deep sense of inferiority and uselessness overwhelmed me again, and I didn't want to go to school for a long time.

It’s another winter final exam. The vice-principal told me that there will be an invigilator for the exam, which will be in three days. My whole body suddenly became tense again, as if it was a huge task, and it was as if I couldn't do it well at the vegetable market. I was under a lot of pressure in an instant. But this time I made up my mind to be calm and calm, to have a good rest and to invigilate the exam well. Lying in bed at night, I repeatedly told myself to cheer myself up: I must have a good rest, and everything will be fine if I have a good rest... However, I still stayed up all night. sleep.

The next day, the child came home from college for vacation. In the evening, the husband told the child: I have to go to work early tomorrow morning, and my mother will supervise the exam. You can prepare meals at noon...

I immediately rejected the husband's arrangement, no, the water and electricity at home are not good. There is not much liquefied gas in the kitchen for children, so it is not safe. Besides, it is too slow, which affects my lunch break and I have to invigilate the exam in the afternoon. I was thinking about it but didn't dare to say it, for fear that he would blame me for thinking too much about something. I quickly changed my explanation and said: Son, you don’t have to cook. There is a Northeastern dumpling restaurant across the street from the community, which is very delicious. I will go home immediately after invigilating the exam. It will end at 11:30, and I will leave around 12:20. When you arrive, you tell the boss to steam the dumplings first, and I will start eating them as soon as the time comes. The child is very happy.

After the proctoring, I walked quickly and met the child at the intersection of the community. The child said that there was a power outage here and he couldn't eat the dumplings. I immediately panicked, what should I do? what to do? I had to invigilate the exam in the afternoon. There was a bakery nearby. I took my child and said, "Eat bread while walking. I will take a rest after eating. I had to invigilate the exam in the afternoon." Maybe the child saw something was wrong with me and said, "I don't understand. I'm calling you to invigilate the exam, but I'm not calling you to take the exam. Why are you so nervous?" Ask your principal, if not, I will invigilate the exam for you. Yes, I am the invigilator and not the exam. Why am I so nervous? I repeated the child's words repeatedly, and at that moment I was stunned, like a child who suddenly had an epiphany, and my heart brightened.

I finally took a nap at noon and felt a lot more relaxed.After the exam, I reflected on myself, why didn’t I understand such a simple question? I told a wise friend about this important discovery. He couldn’t help laughing while listening, and then asked me: Even if Have you rested? Tell me, how are you going to invigilate the exam? ah? Proctors are not bad guards. Yes, now that I have rested, how am I going to invigilate the exam? I asked myself and laughed.

I was very excited during those days and felt more relaxed than ever before. After returning home, I began to blame myself and feel inferior again, questioned my IQ, and complained that it took me so many years to understand such a simple truth. But then I comforted myself, it’s better to understand than not to understand, so take your time. From then on, when I felt stressed, I would go for a walk and relax. I believe that there are still many problems in life, and I also believe that my ability to bear them is very limited, but one thing I understand is that I do everything within my ability, do not force myself, do not criticize myself harshly, and gradually learn to let myself go.

I am grateful to all the good people I have met in this life.