Keywords: Cognitive Psychology of Happiness Positive Psychology
Dialogue with Ni Zijun
Teacher Ni Zijun is the translator of the book " The Method of Happiness "
has a friendship of more than ten years with the author of this book, Professor Taylor.
I am the chairman of the Beijing Happiness Charity Foundation
Tsinghua University PhD in Psychology
Deputy Director of the Management Committee of the Psychosocial Service Research Center of Tsinghua University
I have done in-depth research on Positive Psychology
is also the first in China The teacher who introduced positive psychology into colleges and universities
Moderator Xiaotian:
In fact, everyone seems not to know much about the field of positive psychology. Can you share with us some of your daily discussions with Dr. Taylor? Can you give us an overview of the field of psychology?
Teacher Ni Zijun:
Okay, I first got acquainted with Dr. Taylor in 2006, which is already 16 years ago. At that time, she provided us with some psychological-related services.
In this field, we have three types of services:
The first type is to help normal people live better. We call it psychological services from you.
The second category is when people have common psychological abnormalities , we can provide psychological counseling services; but when you have a serious psychological crisis or some mental health obstacles, we have to use psychological treatment and Doctors can help you with treatment with prescription psychotropic medications.
So in 2006, I remember when we first started providing psychological services, we focused more on college students to see which career you were more suitable for, and to give you guidance when you were employed. At that time, a friend of mine in Hong Kong told me to pay attention to the No. 1 course at Harvard University: it is now called positive psychology.
Because I graduated from a business school with a master's degree, an MBA from Tsinghua . At the same time, our program is a joint training program of MIT. Our business school students are very clear that Harvard University's number one course has always been economics and management .
Because students at Harvard University have a very important criterion for selecting courses, which is which course brings me the most value, which course I will choose. The principles of economics, there is no doubt that it can make you richer and more financially successful, so all Harvard students are flocking to this field.
As a business school student, I heard that Professor Mankun’s economic principles were surpassed by a psychology class. That was very surprising, especially in that era, it was never a particularly popular subject. . But later when we study it we will find, wow, this subject is different from traditional psychology.
We know that psychology has a history of more than 100 years, and its very important task is to treat mental illness. Positive psychology claims to be a science of happiness. Large news media such as CNN and BBC have reported on it and called it Harvard's happiness course.
It subverts the usual thinking mode of Harvard students, called no pan no game (no pain, no gain). China also has the same thinking pattern. For example, if you endure hardships, you can become a master; There is no limit to learning and hard work . If you don't suffer, it seems that you can't succeed.
But in fact, this course on positive psychology offered by Dr. Ben· Shahar at Harvard University has overturned such a concept. After a lot of research, found that only people who truly invest in things they really like can actually achieve great achievements without paying the price of pain.
Of course, it is inevitable that you work hard, but it is not pain. Pain is when you are entangled, unbearable, unwilling to avoid it, your body is overdrawn, and full of anxiety. It seems that the process is not important, and you only need to To run towards a so-called happy and successful end point.
When you reach the end, you will sigh again, so what? What if there is no happy outcome and no happy process?
So we invited Dr. Taylor to China. It was not easy to invite her. She had to be booked a year in advance. But we quickly invited her to China four months later, and we opened a positive psychology course in China.
was also very interesting back then. We opened this course because we actually have misunderstandings about happiness. What is the misunderstanding? At that time, we felt that only successful people would think about happiness. If you don’t have enough food and clothing, or you don’t have wealth and freedom, how can you talk about happiness?
So our first course at that time was set to be the most expensive course in China. Usually, whoever has a net worth of over 100 million, a billionaire, a big shot in the media industry, or a celebrity, you have to have the same share of fame, fame, and fortune to become a student.
Of course, now we know that this is a misunderstanding of the positioning of this course. It should be for anyone, even if you are a child, a student, a person in the workplace, a full-time wife, and there are many identities and roles. Even when there is no so-called great wealth, she should still master the method of happiness, and she still has the ability to obtain happiness.
I still remember it very clearly. When I saw her for the first time, I was also surprised because she was not tall and looked very shy. We just want to talk about positive psychology, right? A person who pursues happiness should be very powerful, right? It should be a very passionate style, with humor and optimism when talking and laughing.
is actually neither. She is very shy and speaks in a small voice. I was thinking about how this person talks about happiness? When she starts teaching, we will find that she is nowhere to be found. So where did she go? She stayed in a corner, her eyes closed and her hands on her knees taking deep breaths. why? Because I was very nervous. We will want to say that this teacher is very interesting.
Later, when we went to have dinner, we communicated with her and found out that she said that science does not need to be talked about loudly. It is not a chicken soup course for the soul that inspires masters. It is science that is explained in a eloquent way. Secondly, she said that I have always been a shy and nervous person, so I had to use the methods I learned to relax me before I started teaching this course.
Four months after meeting her in August 2006, she came to China to offer this course in January 2007. The fact that I came to China to teach this course was on the CCTV news rankings at that time, and the title was Harvard's Happiness Course Landed in China. Because we also need it very much, so after that we brought the complete course to China and entered it into Chinese universities.
For example, we have offered several psychology courses for MBA students at Tsinghua University. I have taught that course for 13 years. It is basically the first positive psychology course offered in colleges and universities in China. At the same time, we have also entered many enterprises, such as large state-owned enterprises, foreign enterprises, and some large private enterprises. Of course, there are also some institutions, such as governments and communities, where we promote positive psychology.
During the past ten years, Professor Peng Kaiping was also a leading figure in economic psychology in China, and we went to the China International Economic Psychology Conference together. As of the year before last, which would have been the fifth edition, we had 400,000 people at this conference. We are more than 2,000 conferences with more than 5,300 overseas attendees, so it is really an international conference. And so many people like precisely because it does not treat mental illness, but helps you use scientific methods to give you practical methods to improve your happiness.
"The Method of Happiness" Click to buy directly
Host Xiaotian:
In the traditional concept of many Chinese people, only by enduring hardship can one become a better person. This concept is very deeply rooted in the hearts of the people. It seems that happiness has nothing to do with me. It's a contradiction in terms to be successful or to pursue that goal. But positive psychology actually tells us that it is not contradictory, and they can actually be complementary to each other. right?
Teacher Na Zijun, because you are the translator of the book "The Method of Happiness", I am also very curious, that is, in the process of translating this book, what was your biggest feeling? And what you read in this book, do you think it has any great inspiration for your family or career?
Teacher Ni Zijun:
It has really helped me a lot. I remember when I cooperated with Dr. Taylor, I was already thirty-one or twelve years old at that time. I was not married yet, and I felt that my life was not that successful. I felt that I was running a psychological service company, and I didn’t know. What should be done.
I worked on this state-owned enterprise project in Tsinghua MB and MIT. We got certificates from the two schools. That project was the tenth anniversary. On the tenth anniversary, there was a selection, called the selection of outstanding student representatives, ten grades. Ten people were selected, and I was a party involved. The teacher from that school called me and said congratulations, you have been rated as an international star. We call it the star of class I, which is the international star of international.
I felt very sad when I received this call, because I thought at the time why would anyone choose me? I was actually a failure. I was not that successful, right? I haven’t built a particularly good company, I’m not even married yet, etc. At that time, I was in a state of extremely low self-esteem. At that time, I invited Taylor to come over and gave her a teaching ceremony at Diaoyutai State Guesthouse .
We are talking about positive psychology and these methods. Among them, has a very important thought. She said that you should find your own advantages and discover your talents. She said that your advantages have led you to success in your life so far, and you must have done so. Then you need to know that you must believe that your advantages can lead you to repeat your success in life.
Her words inspired me a lot, because I have a good organizational talent. For example, when I was at Tsinghua University, I organized a total of 400 MBA students to go on the MBA China Miles Tour, which was very successful.
So what did I think of these organizations at the time? I feel that I have always had these abilities. It is easy for me, nothing! So what do I do? I want to break through my shortcomings and break through my flaws. What's the flaw? I have to read the literature seriously, I have to do scientific research well, but I am not rigorous enough, etc. At this time, you will not be able to see your own advantages and your own value.
When Taylor told me in this way, I realized that everyone has very, very great talents and advantages, but you let them sleep, and you take it for granted. But in fact, it is a state and situation that is very difficult for others to achieve. So this is advantage thinking, this is the first one.
So in order to help myself grow at that time, I also participated in many so-called traditional psychology courses and classes. They usually have a pattern. You find that you have shortcomings, and you feel so sad emotionally. Wow~ you cry bitterly. Emotional catharsis after a game. But after comes back, you will have a big hole in your heart, right? Where is your strength for growth? And what is positive psychology? Let you see the best in you and let it grow into a towering tree.
You may still have shortcomings, but they exist in your life in a trivial way and are allowed to exist in a way that does not affect your happiness and success in life. is the permission to be human mentioned in this book. In this way, you have to allow yourself to be completely human. Being a human being has shortcomings and imperfections. So does not pursue perfection, we pursue completeness. Therefore, as a human being, you must accept yourself, and discover and develop your most advantageous aspects . So from that time on, my own personal confidence began to solidify.
The second one is particularly important and has a very positive impact on me. Only when you truly discover your strengths and weaknesses can your true love begin. So when you meet someone you love, you will naturally express yourself because you are confident and you know you are worthy of being loved, right?
But there are some people in who are not confident. She always wants to verify from the other party whether I am good or not? Only when the other party keeps showing such good compliments to her can she feel at ease. And if others don't praise her enough, she will doubt that she is not good enough. If others ignore her even a little bit, she will be magnified, become restless, and be tormented, creating a mountain of trouble.
What is its root cause? She doesn't have enough power to love herself, and she is incomplete. So I studied psychology for a few times, read Taylor's books, and worked with her, and then a truly beautiful love and marriage came.
Because I had already established my own company at that time, I was basically a leader in every working environment. And she really revolutionized the way I lead. She returned to the United States after spending a week with Dr. Shahar.
I had a meeting at that time. I remember that the first thing I said was I'm sorry, because before I had a defective perspective, a critical perspective, and I would immediately take out the worst and worst-done things after seeing them. I criticize you, so I am the biggest creator of your pain. From now on, I will change my perspective and bring out the best in everyone.
Later our team was called a positive psychology team. Later, after our entire team was merged into a group, our team had a small number of people. However, when our team entered this group, more than 600 people in the entire group had to evaluate 5 outstanding employees of the entire company. Three of our team members were The members are all particularly recognized.
Because everyone has a sense of mission, they are particularly positive and warm when there are setbacks, and they are particularly resilient when there are setbacks. Therefore, we always face work in a very full state. When facing other people, others will think wow, this is great. This team is really happy and successful.
Therefore, Taylor's method of happiness has a great impact on me personally, my family life, my love life, family life or my career. It is a way of leading people.
Host Xiaotian :
Yes, that is, when you truly master the method of happiness, whether it is helping you, your self-acceptance, your attitude towards life, or treating our intimate relationships, or in It will bring about huge changes in your career and work.
Because I am also reading the book The Method of Happiness, and it has inspired and helped me a lot. This book actually talks about what happiness is in the first chapter. What I find very interesting is that Professor Taylor started from a model like four hamburgers and talked about four models of life to let everyone know what happiness is. So based on what you know about Dr. Taylor, and what do you think of the four burgers model? Can you introduce it to everyone?
Teacher Ni Zijun:
I think the metaphor of these four burgers has a special meaning. We actually discussed this matter in depth with Dr. Taylor Benshahar. So what is this? The four burgers
, that is, everything you are doing now, can be divided into these four categories.
Where did the four quadrants come from? It is divided into two dimensions. What is the horizontal axis of
? Is what you did beneficial to your current situation? If she is good for you at the moment, we say that what you are doing makes you happy. We say that what you are doing is unhappy if it is not beneficial to your present moment. For example, I am very happy to participate in your live broadcast, so I am happy at the moment.
The second dimension is whether what you do is good for your future. We say it is meaningful for your future. If it is not good for your future, we say it is meaningless. Then the live broadcast you are doing is happy now, and it is very meaningful for your future and the future of all sisters, so it is something that is happy now and meaningful in the future, This is a quadrant.
So there are some, which are unhappy at the moment, but are very meaningful for your future. There are many such things.
For example, when some children are studying, their parents scold them and put a lot of pressure on them, but is it good to get into a good university? good! It's very stressful for you to work on a project, and you are anxious every day, but you succeeded in the project, okay? good! You were promoted and got a higher salary, right? It’s also good for your future and so on.
All such patterns are that is unhappy in the process, but it will be good for the future. Then this type of burger in life is called a vegetarian burger . It's not that delicious, but it's good for your future. And what is this type of life called? We call it the busy and busy life. Their pattern is to constantly pursue goals and always have high goals. In the process, they are very stressed and anxious. This is a state that many people experience.
So what is the other dimension? You are happy now, but it is of no benefit to your future at all, and it is meaningless to the future. We call this type of people hedonism life . So what does this type of burger look like? is like a junk burger . It tastes great but is not good for your body. There are many people like this, for example, alcoholism, right? He may be high and happy at the moment, but in fact it is not good for his future, and it is harmful.
Then there are some people who want to constantly pursue various excitements, such as luxury cars and beautiful women. In fact, their lives will always say with emotion, life is meaningless.
There are also some people who have become successful and famous and pursue so-called luxury cars, big villas, etc., and suddenly they can no longer find the meaning of life.
So what is the actual goal of this type of person in life? From one desire to another, he is actually not happy, so what does he get? Pleasure is those pleasurable feelings directly related to stimulation of your senses. There is a characteristic of pleasure. It has an upper limit. As long as the basic needs are met and then increase, it will become uncomfortable. For example, when you are hungry, you take your first bite of rice, you are very happy, but when you eat a lot, you feel very uncomfortable; when you are very dirty, it feels good to take two baths, but you feel very comfortable every day. It will be uncomfortable if you keep washing it. So it's not joy, it's not happiness, it's pleasure.
Then there is another type of person, that is, what he does makes her unhappy now, and it is not good for her future. Are there such people? has it! For example, , a patient with depression, , feels that I am not happy with anything I do, that I am not interested in anything, that I am not interested in people, or in things. After that, she has no longing for the future at all. She feels that the future There was no hope. She felt that she could not see any possibility that she could change in the future.
For this type of person, she has actually given up all her current efforts and adhered to a ridiculous understanding of life: life is meaningless, there is no happiness at all, and there is no happiness at all. of. Then this kind of people may give up their lives in many cases. Therefore, this very dangerous type of people have neither current happiness nor future meaning.
Of course, there is another type of person that we want to do most, that is, what you do now is very happy and meaningful for your future. Let’s combine it and call it happiness! Happiness is enjoying your current happiness, and at the same time, this matter has future significance.
Then combined, you will find that we did not mention it, right? The past is something that you have no way of grasping, right?
Many people actually carry heavy psychological baggage about the past. For example, I didn’t study well when I was in high school. With my last boyfriend, I really regretted not being nice to him. I also did a lot of embarrassing, embarrassing or regretful things. Or maybe I wasn’t treated well by my mother when I was a child, or maybe I did something that hurt someone else, and I feel guilty, right? But at this time we still have no way to change what happened in the past.
So what do we do? To deal with the past, we can only change our view of the past. So there is a very important therapy in our psychology called narrative therapy . What does mean? believes that all things that have passed, as long as it is over, you are no longer the witness, but the narrator. So you can describe your past as a particularly bad regret, or you can retell it as a prequel to your hero.
So your facts, but you can change the narrative about her and the perception of her. Things in the past are either beautiful and add positive emotions to your memories; or they are meant to teach you a lesson, but they can still inspire you, bring you value, and make your present and your future better. Decisions will be more optimized in the future. , so no matter what, let the past become the nourishment of , so Taylor's model does not mention how it was in the past, but it means that you grasp the happiness you have now and make it meaningful in the future.
Of course, I once asked her, what do you call this hamburger that has no happiness and no future meaning? Worst burger ever. Did I say this kind of burger exists in real life? She said that’s what you think. You put a lot of messy sauce on that burger, and it has no vegetables or meat. It’s tasteless and nutritious.
I said, does anyone eat such a burger in real life? Taylor said that no one may eat such a burger, but there are many people living such a life, so it is a great inspiration to us. Then we start to ask questions, how can we live a happy and meaningful life? How could your whole life turn into this? There is actually a wisdom here.What is wisdom? The ability to see through the truth is called wisdom.
So in fact, no one in the world can only live the most perfect, happy and meaningful life in this life.
So at a certain stage of your life, you may be very busy. It’s a lot of pressure, right? Pursue a result, but it needs to be short-term. Then after you have gone through such a process of forbearance, you must relax well, take good care of yourself, and feel happiness well. You cannot be under severe pressure or anxiety for a long time. This is the first indivual.
Sometimes you may just enjoy yourself in time, without any meaning. Even if you are happy, it doesn't matter. right? Friends get together, OK, but it can’t be most of your life, it’s also a short period of time.
Then there are times when life is low. I don’t want to see people or do things. I just want to stay at home. I can neither feel the happiness of the present nor the meaning of the future. It doesn't matter, you can give yourself a chance to be quiet and stay for a while, feel it, reflect on it, and then start again. But such a kind of life is neither happy nor meaningful. The days spent at home need to be short-term and small in proportion.
So what we have to do is not to get rid of the other three states, but to live in the process of happiness and future meaning to the greatest extent. So with this concept, you can grasp how you use these two dimensions. right? What type of thing are you doing now?
Moderator Xiaotian :
Yes, yes, what the teacher just talked about is actually the method of happiness. There are four such life models mentioned here - the Hamburg model. It really inspired me a lot. The first type of is actually the hard-working type, right? Just for the goal, for the work, and then there is absolutely no other fun in my life, and I have given up all other fun.
The second type is hedonism, which means you may be immersed in happy things all day long. When you encounter difficult things, you may avoid them and not do them.
The third type is the kind that gives up the expectation of happiness, and feels that no matter what I do, I can't achieve happiness, so I just lie down.
The fourth type is the one who can truly find happiness in the present and also find the meaning and value of the future, right?
Actually, the reason why I am particularly touched by what you said is because I am actually a very typical first type, that is, the busy and busy type. I used to be the kind of person who was very persistent in my goals. Then in order to achieve my goal, I would really not sleep or eat. At that time, the only job of my team members was to get me to eat and go to bed on time.
Actually at that time I thought I had achieved my goal and I would be very happy after getting some results. In fact, I did it, because I overcame a lot of difficulties that year with and won the first place in the company's business. But that day after our awards night, I went back and sat on my bed at home, but I found that I didn't seem very happy. After the highlight moment passed all at once, I felt very empty in my heart. Although I finally got the result, when I really looked back, I found that I was not that happy.
In fact, many times people think that in a secular sense, there are many things linked to happiness , such as wealth, social status, fame, good children, owning a house and a car? It’s as if these things have become a measure of happiness.So how do you view the relationship between money, fame, success and happiness in people's secular eyes?
Teacher Ni Zijun:
I want to share with you a quote from my good friend. She is one of the earliest and youngest representatives of China to become a billionaire. She said: Having money, achievement and fame definitely does not mean happiness. Because I have lived such a life, but she is rich but not happy at all. She has lived such a life.
As you just said, I worked very hard to achieve my work achievements and got the first place in sales, which is really great. But when I got home, I was very depressed. It seems that all this is nothing more than that. You will sigh and say, so what? Right?
In fact, in a busy and busy life, you are very stressed and anxious during the process, but you work tirelessly and endure for a goal. When you really achieve the goal, you will be happy, but it is not called happiness. Coming, what is it called? It's called relief from pain.
For example, when your head is pushed underwater by someone else, you almost suffocate. At this moment, the other person suddenly lets go of their hands and you can breathe freely. At that moment you thought wow that’s great, right? But no one will cheer for a normal breath every day.
Your feeling of relaxation and happiness is because there was a prelude to suffocation in the past, so after all the pressure and anxiety, the task is finally completed, which is actually the relief of your pain. So why does your happy process not last long? When the next round of goals comes, the next round of anxiety comes back, right? So what you actually get is not real happiness.
In fact, happiness in the moment is very important.
also mentioned in this book The happiness of the moment is that you and what you are doing now become one and enjoy this thing deeply . One of the characteristics of in this process is that time passes very quickly.
In fact, there is no such thing as time in the world. When something passes and you feel it, it is not called time, it is called time. Only when you are truly integrated with what you do can you truly have your time, and only when you have time can you feel that there is life.
We have a word called The Walking Dead. How did it come about? You are not interested in or happy with what you have passed. It is as if you have not experienced it. You cannot see it, ignore it, or feel it. So how can you talk about life? What about a good time? So only when the good times flow and you really feel it, you are alive, right? Only then can we prove that there is happiness, right?
"The Method of Happiness" Click to buy directly
Host Xiaotian:
Yes, so in fact, many times whether we are happy and whether it is true happiness actually comes from the perspective from which we look at it, and whether we can recognize it correctly And how to feel it, so the book "The Method of Happiness" actually teaches us a lot about how to correctly understand happiness and how to feel happiness.
Many of our best friends in the live broadcast room are mothers. In fact, there is a big problem. For example, when it comes to educating children, we often have troubles. For example, many girlfriends will say that when it comes to educating children, as long as I don’t teach them to do homework, I will be a loving mother and a filial son. She gets crazy when doing homework, just like this. In fact, many times mothers are very distressed when educating their children. They have to restrain their children, and sometimes they have to beat and scold them. It feels like their children are not happy, and they themselves are not happy either.
So in terms of educating children, what methods can be used to make children feel happy and continue to have the ability to feel happiness in the future. During this process, my mother also felt very good and would not feel so anxious.So if you are unhappy, do you have any suggestions for everyone in this regard?
Teacher Ni Zijun:
I have four children myself, all of them are my own children, one born to my father and one to my mother. I think they live a very happy life. Of course, I also lead well, so I still have a job, right? I am studying for a PhD and doing research, and I am also very busy. In fact, we first understand the role of mother. I think it is really the greatest role in the world, and it is also the most difficult role.
Because you will find that when a mother is doing her career, when she is taking care of her family, when she is taking care of her children, her time and her life content are in different directions. Then when we start tutoring our children with their homework, we may have to completely put aside our own careers. If you are really busy with your career, you won't have time to tutor your children in their studies.
So it needs a very good skill called balance. So in this balancing process, you must also have a particularly good skill called grasping the key points of the problem. It’s just that your time is very limited and you have a lot to do. You have to grow yourself, take care of your family, and have your own career, right?
So what is the key point here, that is, you must master one thing and don't do unnecessary consumption. What is unnecessary consumption is that when it is not necessary, your mood will rise , and your relationship will immediately It's too bad, the child is also very depressed, and you still regret it after you're done, right?
So to do this, our teacher advocates that it is called scientific education. You must have the wisdom of your mother. What is mother’s wisdom, that is, the ability to understand the truth.
What is the ability to understand the truth? Today I want to tell you two truths about human beings. If you basically master these two truths, you will not waste money in vain, and you can become a mother who can grasp the key points. I am also very busy, but it does not mean that time should be distributed evenly, but that the key point should be grasped, that is, you and your child should give her the greatest encouragement and greatest support in your limited time. That's it. right? The same goes for you in your career.
Okay, then you need to understand two truths. You can now follow me to play a small live game. You can watch my gestures and play a psychological game. Okay, now please look at my hand. Look at my hand and I will make a three-second gesture. Look at what my hands are doing. It's very fast. Can you see everything? What gesture does this gesture make?
Moderator Xiaotian : made a comparison of 3.
Teacher Ni Zijun: Some people say this is OK, anything is OK. Yes, what kind of gesture is this? What gesture did this hand make?
Host Xiaotian : Have you seen any gestures made by Teacher Zijun with his other hand?
Teacher Ni Zijun: I just put my hand here and made some gesture.
Moderator Xiaotian : No one seems to have noticed, everyone only sees your OK gesture.
Teacher Ni Zijun:
Only one screen is blocked in your eyes, but my hand must be visible in your eyes. But when I show you my left hand, you can’t see my right hand. What is this?
In fact, if I say: Look at my hand, you will definitely be able to see it. I say, if you look at my two hands, you will definitely be able to see it. But if I only show you my left hand, you won’t be able to see it. What is the name of what
cannot see? Turning a blind eye is within your field of vision, but it does not cause any visual reaction from you, so it does not exist in your world. What does it mean? Our limited attention means that if you pay attention to one aspect, you will Don't pay attention to other aspects.
So when you get along with your child, what aspects do you see your child doing well or poorly? What grows, or what hasn’t been done yet, right? That gap you expected her to do that she didn't? Or is she who she was originally, and she has made such progress, right? This difference is huge, because your limited attention will fill your entire subjective field of vision, and you will ignore the other side.
Some people ask the teacher, why are our heads like this? Why can't we see them all? It’s because all the information in our brain’s B-mode is the process of neuron firing. Therefore, if our brains can be lazy, we can be lazy, not to discharge this electricity, and not to work hard. This is the first truth, that is, you cannot see everything, but what you see is all about you. So when we talk about happiness, there is a word called subjective well-being. This objective world has little to do with you. Your subjective world is the information you filter out, which constitutes your subjective world . So your personal response to your subjective world constitutes the result of your happiness. So we call it subjective happiness. Then I will say that how you see your child has little to do with your child itself. What you see is the child in your eyes. He may be very good and very cute, but you only see the shortcomings.
has two characteristics. The first is called limited attention. You will be filled with what you see. The second one is, what do you usually see first? Okay, let me ask a question. Suppose there are two news topics appearing on two news screens. The first news is that there have been cases of human-to-human transmission of COVID-19 in this area; the second news is that there has been no human-to-human transmission in this area. of COVID-19 cases.
Which of these two news topics would you click on?
Moderator Xiaotian: has appeared.
Teacher Ni Zijun: Which one will you click to see? I'll click on it's already there.
A student got a report card with 98 points in Chinese, 98 points in mathematics and 65 points in English. good. Which of these three results do you remember?
Host Xiaotian : They said they remembered English 65. They all remembered English.
Teacher Ni Zijun: Let me ask the third question. If a child comes back and says, "Mom, I got 90 points in the Chinese test and 98 points in the math test, what are you thinking about?"
Host Xiaotian : I was thinking, where did those two points go? Why not perfect score?
Teacher Ni Zijun:
Many people will ask where the two points went. First, the focus is basically on the bad aspects of a thing, or the aspects you lose, but not on the aspects you gain. This is a result of the evolution of our brains to this day, a brain attention mode called negative bias. is the first time we see the bad aspects of a thing.
So when you see a child doing something bad and something good, you will see at first glance what she is not doing well. Why do our brains behave like this? It’s because we have evolved to this point in the ancient jungle. For example, if a tiger appears and wants to eat us, its consequences will be more serious and irreversible. It will have a greater impact on us than if we encounter good things. . So we have evolved brain patterns that are more sensitive and acute to bad things, and have a higher degree of impact.
This leads to a negative attention mode in us humans. There are already three conclusions about because of negative bias, and Nobel Prize winners are based on this theory. The first Nobel Prize winner was Danio Talliman of Princeton University in 2002. She is a psychologist. Because such a conclusion comes to the conclusion that human beings make irrational decisions.
For example, there are two treatment plans. The first plan says that the survival rate of this plan is 30%.The second option is called this option with a mortality rate of 70%. The two are actually equivalent. But when you say the mortality rate is 70%, fewer people are likely to be selected.
So to put it bluntly, we are the first to see the bad aspects of things around us. So do you with your children. Combined with the first truth, we always see the bad aspects at the first time, and the aspects you see will fill your brain, so she becomes everything you see. A child is actually an extremely beautiful growth process. She is there every day. It is not that she is not good enough or that she is too bad, but you do not see them at all.
So when we talk about this psychology, we often say something. If I were giving lectures to entrepreneurs, I would say All successful entrepreneurs are who have not evolved well. Because a well-evolved brain should overestimate dangers, or see negatives, underestimate opportunities, and underestimate possible gains. So she frightened herself and stopped trying. But all entrepreneurs put risks to a certain level, see more positive aspects, and allow themselves to try, so they will have a chance of success, right?
So our children may have said: The teacher will say that I am not good enough and I am not that lovable. This mother always sees the things she doesn't do well, which actually aggravates her negative bias.
So in fact, children are like whack-a-mole, popping up a head and knocking it off with a small hammer, right? And what is the way you beat him to make him grow? Is it punishment? No TV allowed today, less snacks tomorrow, and forced to stand the day after tomorrow, right?
This is actually a devaluation of the child's sense of self-worth and reduces suppression. So what happens to such a child? Doubt of self and self-ability.
So how should we see the great aspects of children from another angle?
Here, I will tell you about the process of children growing up, just like the process of our human evolution. We were apes at the beginning, right, with very weak abilities. Gradually, we walked upright, learned to use tools, and used our brains. When you start to collaborate, you will definitely not tell an ape why you are so bad, why you are so undisciplined, why you don't know how to clean the house, why you don't study hard, and you still go out to play.
We were all pleasantly surprised when we saw an ape holding a straw by himself, holding a pen, and using small tools. right? Actually you have to think about the day when the child is like a little ape, it doesn't have the abilities yet, right? Therefore, we must affirm from the perspective of advantages that this child has value as long as he is born, and he is making progress every day. So what if something goes wrong with him? When there is a problem, I want to tell you, mothers should remember a golden sentence, that is, what you said pointed out her problem, but also gave her unlimited hope. This is called growth thinking. This sentence structure means you don’t have anything yet….
For example, if she makes a lot of mistakes in math, you will say that you have not mastered the way of thinking in mathematics; if she quarreled or got into a fight with other children, you will say that you have not learned how to get along well with others; then she is special If you want to give up, just say you don't know how to be more persistent and patient. This is called growth mindset.
You will find that when you do this, you separate the problem from the person. This problem is a problem, it is a stage, it is temporary, but you are a very good and great person, and you are constantly making progress, so that your children will continue to make progress. It is particularly important to have this expectation and my attraction to you.
So today you are destined to listen to my talk about positive psychology. As a parent, you are not allowed to say such things: Why are you so undisciplined? Why are you so ignorant? If you continue like this, you will have no hope in life.Wow, why are you so procrastinating?
You will find what kind of sentence pattern this is, and what can you add at the end? Guy, why are you such an undisciplined person? Why are you such a procrastinator? Why are you such an ignorant person? This kind of comment can no longer be said in the mouths of our mothers and fathers. What is this called? This is called a complete denial of personality. You make it difficult for him to stand up.
What should you say? You sit at this desk at a fixed time tonight and write your math homework at a fixed place in front of your desk. You haven't finished writing this specific thing until 10 o'clock, which is a bit procrastinating. That is to say, the problem and the person must be separated, and the problem must be taken out separately. Specifically speaking, this behavior becomes very easy to change and easy to progress, and it does not have a natural and complete label of personality denial.
So as a mother, you need to know that you don't actually tend to see your child's shortcomings. What you see about your child's shortcomings is the limited attention of your brain model, so you can't see his advantages. And this kind of scolding, criticism and punishment is not effective. As a mother, what is your most successful outcome in terms of psychology? It is to help children establish an unconditional sense of self-worth.
What is unconditional self-worth? It’s not that I only like you when you do well. It’s not that you are successful and you deserve good things and praise. It’s that you have life and you have value. As long as you make progress, you will succeed. .
You should look at your child with a growth mindset. Even if she makes a mistake in her smile, she will be so cute. Mistakes are room for improvement, and growth is an opportunity to correct mistakes. Therefore, I never get criticized at home because any child gets a question wrong or doesn’t understand something. As long as she is learning, she will be encouraged.
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Host Xiaotian :
Yes, wow, this point is really great. That is, when talking about a specific problem of the child, it is not to deny her comprehensively or to suppress her personality. In fact, it is to point out specific things that she has not done well, rather than to criticize her because of a phenomenon. I rejected everything, it was really helpful.
Just now, Teacher Zijun actually elaborated on how we educate children, see the positive parts of the child, use formative thinking to look at him, and guide him with the golden saying of separating problems from people.
In fact, I will find that in our intimate relationships, such as between a wife and husband or between partners, similar situations may also occur. For example, if we are loved because of wealth, power or people's livelihood, then this kind of love is only conditional love. But if you are loved because of your practicality or kindness, this kind of love is unconditional love.
Then you can tell us, in this kind of husband-wife relationship or in an intimate relationship, how do we understand this kind of unconditional love, and how can we be happier?
Teacher Ni Zijun:
Okay, this is particularly important. That is whether you love a constant factor or a variable factor, all external fame and wealth are actually ushered in by its internal quality. But if you only have these things in your eyes, then you will miss out on many good men in this world.
When he was young, he might not have anything, but he had a great quality and inner strength. You didn't see it. You only saw his nothingness on the outside, and you missed this good man. And even if there is something external, he may lose it sometimes, but the inner quality is the most permanent. So when you love someone without external conditions, you really love for eternity.So we always say that we hope that love can have a sense of security. Then you have to love an eternal factor, right?
Therefore, the inner core values of a person's quality are the most important ingredients in marriage. We have studied couples who have been happily married for more than 25 years, and we will find that they have one thing in common, and the core commonality is called similar core values. We need to know the law of attraction. Attraction is between people of the opposite sex, and of course the same is true between people of the same sex. What is the new nature of attraction? It is the appearance of one person that is a reward for another person. So what is a reward? Of course the presence of this person makes you happy and enjoyable. Obviously this is a direct reward, and there is another kind called an indirect reward.
What is the indirect reward? It means that his thoughts are very similar to yours, and you particularly recognize her inner qualities. It is particularly important for us to be consistent on particularly important issues. Therefore, consistency in core values is particularly important. So now young people always talk about falling in love and don’t know what to talk about. They just go to a movie, eat good food, and go to a museum. you want to talk about the soul! When you are unclear about your values, just look at his behavior and see if his choices and decisions are similar to yours. The more similar the better.
So the essence of unconditional love you just talked about is actually a long-lasting factor in your love, which is a stable prerequisite for your sense of security in love. Love is very interesting, because in the first half of your life, you grew up in different places, and you were two completely independent people. But because you had a chance to meet, we call it fate. In this process, you will change from a stranger to the closest person in the world.
Of all the relationships in the world, the most important one is for a person, especially For a woman, the most important thing is the intimate relationship, not with your children, not with your parents, but with you. The relationship with your lover is the most important. Why is said to be the most important? It has the greatest impact on your health, it has the greatest impact on your happiness, and it has the greatest impact on your success. Especially for women, men are the foundation of a man's life, which is the possession of resources, while the foundation of a woman's life is the maintenance of intimate relationships.
Therefore, if a man does not have a career, it is a disaster. If a woman's relationship is affected, damaged, or hurt, it will be a disaster. It is a particularly complete kind of harm. Therefore, women must have some wisdom of their own in intimate relationships.
Only when you really meet a person and understand his core values can you make your own choice. Of course, core values are only a necessary condition, not a necessary and sufficient condition. Having the same core values does not completely guarantee that you two can live together happily.
Because the intimacy stage of love is divided into three stages, and the most important factors for you in each stage are different. The first stage is external stimulation information, such as whether he looks good or not, whether you have feelings for him, whether you are impulsive, etc. The second stage, which is also the core stage of values, is that you both need to agree. The third stage is the fusion stage of the roles, which involves the way you approach life, the way you are raised, how you view money, etc. All of these are actually reflected in the details of life. Therefore, if the core values of are similar, but your life is not compatible enough, there will be risks later.
I met some female friends and told me, Teacher Ni, I met a great man outside my marriage. I knew that I was going to divorce my husband. If I went to meet this great man, I would go with him. Life.I will tell her that you and your husband were actually very good at the beginning. If you really want to know the truth, then make an appointment with the boy who is now very good to do some housework and trivial things. When he was still very good and hadn't worn out yet, then maybe he really was very good.
In fact, you can’t compare what you think is great and the passion of the previous stage with the daily life that you bundle together later.
What you just said about loving someone, loving him unconditionally, then the way you love him is also called acceptance. Unconditional acceptance is himself, he is his complete self, he is not a flaw in your eyes, and cannot be transformed by you. For him, you can only appreciate him, constantly communicate with him, and motivate him. Of course you will feel uncomfortable, and communication is a whole other process. I won’t go into details today. You have to pursue him to become the man you want under your guidance, which is impossible.
So there is a saying that an intimate relationship is actually two completely independent individuals, and then in the process of running into each other, it is really important to find the most comfortable state that suits each other, rather than changing each other.
Host Xiaotian :
I just talked to Teacher Zijun about the three stages. Even if you may agree on core values, in the trivial aspects of life, you find that you have many differences in getting along with each other in some of the details above. It is actually difficult to deal with it for a long time. But in fact, intimate relationships can slowly develop in these three stages, right? That is, when you really get along well, that person will actually be the right person, right?
In addition to intimate relationships, there is another topic that everyone often discusses, which is at the level of work. We will find that many best friends, for example, when they first enter the society, they are still very passionate about their work. But as time goes by, you may gradually enter the burnout period.
Especially after middle age, perhaps due to the influence of family and career development, people will slowly find that it is difficult to find energy from work. To achieve such a sense of happiness, including work, many times are something they have to do.
From the perspective of positive psychology, how should we view work, or in the face of this situation, what methods can help us gain happiness from work? Because after all, we spend so much of our lives working, and it would be a pity if we cannot find happiness in this matter. right?
Teacher Ni Zijun:
Yes, you are very right. Career is particularly important to our happiness in life. It takes up the most time, and you will get a sense of self-worth from it, and this sense of self-worth is better than raising a child. Be more abundant. Why? Because raising kids is slow, right?
You can only enjoy her daily life. Then the book "The Method of Happiness" gives the answer to what factors make up the "work of happiness"?
It gives a model, . This model is called MPS model . What is M? It’s called a mini sense of meaning. is your job. For you, it is a calling of meaning. For example, like Wang Bufan, the live broadcast you are doing now is to help our female partners live better and happier lives. Well, I am here to participate in the live broadcast today. I also think she is very mini, right, and has a sense of meaning.
I can share with our sisters, as the most difficult and greatest woman in the world, how can we live a better life?
What is the second P? Just joy. What do you do to make you happy? For example, when I talk about positive psychology, I am very happy, right? Like when you gave a speech, it was because you were the sales champion, right? You will be happy when you interact with people.
So what is the third S? It is strength that is your advantage. Your advantage is that you can help others succeed and achieve achievements faster, and you will see the results. If you do something that you are not good at, for example, I think singing is also very meaningful. It brings beauty to others, but I am tone-deaf. So when I go to sing I always get frustrated, right? It's not a good thing.
Then if you are just happy, for example, I am very willing to play ball with others, but I don’t think what is the meaning of playing with them? It's my sense of meaning to make more people happier, but when I play ball by myself, I don't feel that other people are happier. So it can totally be a hobby, right?
You are good at something and you are happy, but you have no sense of meaning. For example, if you are doing a small craft, you are very good at it and the process is very enjoyable, but you feel that it is not meaningful enough. A sense of meaning must be combined with your strengths, and it is work that makes you happy. But even if you find a job that makes you happy, sometimes you will feel very tired and don’t want to do it, right? But what is the problem you want to solve? You must master the rhythm at work and don't let yourself get too tired.
You must have time to fully restore your energy, which involves another topic of ours called energy management. How to maintain a full mental state, recovery is particularly important. If you keep rushing and rushing, you will be exhausted and you will not be interested.
Host Xiaotian :
Yes, this model of mps is really easy to use. If you feel burnout in career development or work, you can think about it through these three dimensions. What's the point of me doing this? What is meaningful and valuable work for me? And in this matter, can I truly find my happiness, and does it really play to my strengths?
In "The Method of Happiness", we have seen that the third article mentions many particularly good points, which I actually agree with, including that we must fully accept ourselves and cultivate our own inner strength.
I have observed that the mothers who come here to study together often have a sense of guilt, that is, they often fall into a state of self-blame. For example, mothers in the workplace feel guilty because they say that I am not busy with work. Take good care of your children. Then entrepreneurial mothers, she may want to say that because I spent a lot of time and energy on my career, I failed to take care of my family.
And for stay-at-home mothers, where will their guilt come from? They will feel guilty saying that I have contributed a lot to my family, but I don’t seem to have taken good care of myself, and I have not lived the way I want. They will have a lot of trouble and pain because of these feelings of guilt.
Do you have any suggestions for them regarding their current situation or how to better obtain happiness?
Teacher Ni Zijun:
Okay, this situation is very common. Then I want to share with you that there are three folders in my computer. The first folder I write is personal, which includes my own growth, some of my own reading plans, beauty, exercise, etc.
The second one is in the family. There are all my relatives, elders and children. Each one has a folder. I have to take care of them.
The third one is society, which includes my work, my position at Tsinghua University, my charity, public welfare undertakings, etc.
I must take good care of myself first, and then take care of my family, because I am too important to them, and they are also important to me.
Third, I do social things when I have spare energy, but I spare no effort when doing social things. This order is so important. So I have so many things, and I have to take care of them, but when I am tired, I will definitely let myself sleep happily and not make my body particularly tired. When I feel angry, I need to drink a cup of coffee by myself, or find a charming place to recover.
The first thing you have to do is to make arrangements. It is not about giving all the time, but to focus on the key points.
If you feel guilty, it means that you are a particularly responsible mother, a particularly responsible working woman, and you are particularly eager to grow and learn, which is great.
But even if you are guilty, I want to tell you to affirm yourself.
Guilt, or shame, is the worst emotion among a person's negative emotions. What does that mean? What is the subtext behind this? It’s just that there’s something wrong with me. I didn’t do it and I didn’t do it right. I’m not good at it. I’m too bad.
So you want to do a conversion, what do you want to convert? Convert this shame into reflection, that is, if you were busy first and delayed the child, right? So what is this reflection? In fact, this kind of shameful behavior refers to this emotion and reminds you to take some time to spend time with your child, because he is also very important to you.
If you try to accompany him, then the time you spend on work will feel that the value it gives is not equal to the value of your own life, so your emotions are reminding you.
All negative emotions that come to us are a reminder signal. Then you have to identify what this signal is reminding me, and then quickly make some changes to it.
For example, I close my eyes every morning and notice what my emotions are today. If I noticed that I was a little anxious this morning, I would think about why I was anxious? Our eldest child is taking the primary school entrance examination this year, and two of her subjects are high school entrance examination results. My second child will take the primary school entrance examination in a few days this year. So what is this anxiety reminding me? That is, you need to make corresponding arrangements for their study. So when emotions come, we must identify what it is reminding us, and then take action for it. This is the truth of emotions.
If you can't do anything for it, for example, your current project is very big and you are very anxious, and you really don't have time, then you should arrange it and put it down later, because you can't do anything for it. Whatever you do, you put it down.
For example, if you lose your wallet and feel very sad, but you can’t find it again, then you can only let go of the emotion of losing your wallet. But sometimes you can neither take action nor let go of your emotions. For example, suppose your relative dies and you have no way to resurrect her, and you have no way to let go of your sorrow. During this period of time, you will be sad and cry every day. So what are you going to do at this time? Allow yourself to stay in this emotion for a while. But you have to be aware, for example, if you cry, I think I cried, why I cried, because my most beloved one left, so I am very sad and sad.
Can I be sad and sad? Of course I can, because everyone will go through this normal emotional period, and I can't stay in sadness for too long, so I quickly move to do something else. So you can't let go of this emotion, and you can't take action to change the situation. Then you stay with the emotion, but remain aware.
What is awareness? Awareness is the source of self-control. Only by seeing can you start to notice the subtleties. This is the space for you to change. So when you feel guilty, you need to identify what the guilt message is telling you, and take action quickly. If you are really busy and can't take action, make some arrangements quickly and ask someone to help you alleviate this problem. If it really doesn't work, just let it go. If you really can't let it go, just stay there for a while, but stay aware.
