Wen/Learning is the treasure of the body
In life, we often encounter such things:
At work, colleagues have to help share some things by themselves, but I really don’t have the time and energy to do it. I refuse and fear that the other person will not Happy;
parents demand that they can return to work with them, but they are not ready now. If they don’t, they are worried that they will be angry;
partners like to interfere in their own affairs, but they dare not refuse, worrying that the other party is unhappy ;Z1z
……
In fact, the above situation is that we dare not refuse others, because rejection is likely to produce a series of "losses", such as loss of friendship, family affection, and love, but such tolerance is reluctant.
So, how can we reject others so that we will not hurt our feelings?
Today’s article, let’s talk about it.
1. Rejecting others will bring harm.
When a person expresses a need, after being rejected, there will be a sense of shame, because it is a shameful thing, and at the same time, this bad feeling will also cause anger, which is also a lot The reason why people dare not reject others.
is like the previous example. If we reject the needs of colleagues, they are likely to think that they have not only lost face, but will also be angry and even disappointed at us, thinking that we are difficult to get along with, and then want to leave.
From a psychological point of view, being rejected is equivalent to being rejected, "I am not good enough to be rejected", "I am not important, so the other party does not meet my needs", this experience itself It is a kind of injury.
But from our own point of view, if we blindly obey or obey the requirements of others, we will feel aggrieved in our hearts, "I have to listen to you for whatever reason", "Why do I have to listen to your arrangements? "This feeling is hurting myself. It can be seen from
that rejecting others will hurt the other person, and they are afraid to say "no", and they are self-harming, and behind how to choose is to confirm "who is more important".
2. Rejecting others means letting each other grow up.
As mentioned earlier, if we care too much about other people’s ideas, we will not reject others, but we all know that being ourselves is the meaning of everyone’s life.
That is to say, we must learn to respect our own feelings, listen to our own inner voice, dare to reject others, and more importantly, to reject others is to let each other grow together.
Of course, this is not to say that we want to go our own way and completely ignore the feelings of others when doing things. Rather, we want to say that too much evaluation and argument in the unexpected world will make us lose ourselves, be ourselves, and start from learning to refuse.
From the other side’s point of view, being rejected is a narcissistic thing, but it may be a good thing, because they will realize that "no one will love themselves completely and unconditionally", this is from the almighty The process from narcissism to healthy narcissism.
In other words, a person who can accept rejection is a mature person.
Why do some people get angry when they are rejected? Because of their omnipotent narcissism, they also hope that the people around them can satisfy all their needs like they did when they were taking care of babies. They forget that they have grown up and need independence. One of the signs of psychological independence is that they can accept what others say "Do not".
From my own point of view, it is my right to dare to reject others, and at the same time I am setting boundaries for myself. If adults want to get along well, they need a sense of boundary, because that is the beginning of understanding oneself, but also the way of learning to respect each other.
It can be seen that learning to reject others is good for yourself and others, because that is what you need to grow up.
3. Resolute without hostility is the best way to establish a sense of boundary.
When we know that rejecting others is something that is good for both people and ourselves, it does not mean that just saying "no" is good the way. Because
simply says "no", it is sometimes difficult to accept.
So, how to reject others without hurting feelings? The answer to
is, resolute without hostility.
's non-hostile determination was put forward by Cohut, the founder of the self-psychological school, which means "I reject you with a particularly firm attitude, but I am not hostile."
In other words, I rejected you on something, but it doesn’t meanI don't like you, I don't love you anymore.
is like the previous example. Our parents ask us to return to work with them. We are not prepared or really don’t want to go back. What we need to do at this time is to tell our parents what we really think and let them feel us Love.
, because behind the parents' request, is to confirm our love for them.
is "resolute without hostility", the key is two steps:
first step, calmly express your true thoughts;
second step, let the other party feel our love.
In fact, most of those who are angry after rejection are because they feel that they are not important. If we can make them feel that we care about them while rejecting, then it will relieve their inner heart to a great extent. Sad and sad, and angry.
Of course, if someone is still hurt and finds it difficult for us to get along after our refusal of “unhostile and resolute”, this may indicate that the relationship itself is not worth maintaining, and this person is not worthy of our attention.
People who really care about us and who love us will certainly allow us to be ourselves and accept our non-hostile rejection.
In addition, we must also realize that establishing boundaries is our own business and an opportunity for others to understand us.
It is not the duty of others to understand oneself, but to make oneself better understood is what we have to do, and a rejection without hostility is the best start.
In short, we must understand the importance of a sense of boundary in interpersonal interactions, because if we dare not refuse, it will be detrimental to people and ourselves, and learning to be resolute without hostility can keep the relationship healthy.
End of this article
Thank you for reading
