In marriage, the most unavoidable thing is "quarrels". In fact, just talking about quarrels, if you "know how to quarrel", it is a resource that can heat up your relationship; but if you don't know how to quarrel, then once two people quarrel in full swing, it will be a sharp sword that damages the relationship.
So, someone asked me this question: Since doesn’t make noise, is it useful for two people to stay apart for a while to calm down when they encounter problems?
is really useful, but only half of uses . What does
mean? Today I will talk to you about the "quiet" and "dynamic" aspects of marriage conflicts.
01
Learn to pause and let the relationship calm down.
We often tell everyone: " If there are conflicts in marriage, communication needs to be communicated. This is an important step to avoid the accumulation of problems. It is also an important step to help the relationship between two people get closer and deepen.
But back to the beginning, but this does not mean that if two people have a conflict, you should rush to the other party to have a chat. If you feel that the conversation is thorough, the matter will be resolved and the relationship will be fine.
On the contrary, every time you chase him to chat, your relationship will be reduced by 10 points. If you don't talk a few times, the problem will not be solved, and the relationship may be solved first.
Because communication has a major prerequisite: emotional peace and stability.
You think about it, when two people have a conflict, each other's emotions are very high and full, just like two water tanks that are about to overflow coming together.
At that time, almost all your attention was on how to pour out your own water, and it was easy to live in your own emotions, amplify those problems, become overly angry or overly hurt, as if the sky was falling.
Such strong emotions can easily arouse the other person's emotions . The two people will become. The more hurt you are, the more you want to talk and hope that he can understand your feelings, the easier it will be for the other party to avoid, feeling very stressed, too scared, unable to face such intense emotions, and such avoidance will trigger greater trauma in your heart.
In the end, the two of them were not solving problems, but stabbing each other in the heart in the name of solving problems.
Of course, when there is such a conflict, some people try to spare their energy to comfort the other person while expressing some of their own ideas. However, at this time, you will also find that the effect will not be very good. Why is this happening?
This is because, in a relationship, when two people are communicating and their emotional values reach their highest peak, no one can adjust the other person or themselves consciously. At that time, your cognition is in a passive state , and it can easily become "I feel sober at the moment, but when I think about it afterwards, I feel that I shouldn't have said that sentence."
Taking a step back, even if you comfort him throughout the whole process, saying words of comfort and concern, it will bring pressure to the other person and make him struggle in the state of "I feel guilty and emotional towards you, but I also feel that you want to understand me and are warm, so I have to listen to this", which is very contradictory.
Therefore, when conflicts occur, we must give the relationship a gap period and give two people some space to calm down.
This process of separation and calming down is a process of people's self-regulation. It will allow two people to naturally restore their emotions and make you feel at peace.
When each other's emotions return to a stable state, if you look back and deal with those problems, it will become much clearer, and it will be easier for the two of you to listen to what you said.
Speaking of this, some people may worry that if we calm down, won’t the relationship also become cold?
This needs to clarify a misunderstanding for everyone: The calmness we mentioned does not mean that two people will have a cold war and do nothing or say nothing, but rather, try to stop the current conflict as much as possible and not provoke new conflicts.
For example, you can try to say to the other party, "Both of us are not in a good state right now. We may need to talk about this matter later. We can agree on a time together. When will we talk again, what do you think?"
To put it simply, find a way to stop the current conflict in your relationship, give the two of you a time limit, accumulate skills, sort yourself out, sort out the problems, sort out the relationship, and then go back and work together to better deal with the problem instead of letting the relationship stop.
02
Learn to reopen relationships and inject life into them
As we said before, calmness plays a 50% role, so what is the remaining 50%? It’s all about communication after sorting it out.
Calmness itself is to let the conflict dilute , each other no longer stimulates each other, and the sanity has been restored, but it ultimately hides the problem without solving it, and it cannot guarantee that such things will not happen in your future relationship.
So after two people calm down, the most important thing to do is to review the problem again and press the play button on your relationship.
But it definitely can’t be the case. Just go to the other party and say, "The day has come. Let’s talk about the incident before. How do you want to solve it?"
Starting with this, including the first feeling brought about by the communication method is "It's over, it's over, and the trial is coming." will easily pull the relationship back into the emotional vortex, and go through the vicious circle again, which will not have any other effect.
So how to do it specifically?
Remember two key points:
1. Review relationship issues
For a good communication, at least you must know "what you and the other party think", such as: What do I want to know? What do I want to say? What is our conflicting problem? What are we feeling? What is the problem I want to solve? What direction do I want? What's the feeling behind him? What is his intention? What does he want by doing this?
This is also the meaning of calmness before us. Let yourself jump out and see the problem more clearly and meticulously. Only by clarifying what you want can you guide the relationship in what direction and what result.
Otherwise, we are just pushed by the current thinking, and it is easy to forget what to do next, and it may even be easy to "care about chaos" and damage the relationship.
2. Consistent expression
Many people are really consistent in expressing strong emotions such as anger and grievance, but when it comes to "care", "care" and "love", they become ambiguous and always speak in roundabout ways.
We all worry about how painful it will be for me if I express my love so straightforwardly and the other person's feedback is that he pushes me away. Therefore, would rather hide myself so that the other person cannot see it, rather than giving him any chance of "possibly hurting" me.
Being able to withdraw and hide like this will make it easier for the other person not to see you, so if you really want a good relationship, give it a try, take a step forward, try to show some of your love and care, the feedback you may receive will be different.
In short, a truly effective emotional repair and review is when two people can really jump out of the superficial things, talk about the entire conflict, and sum up together to figure out what to do in the future, so that the relationship will not happen again next time and avoid similar pitfalls.
In a relationship, everything has its meaning, and all behaviors have its meaning. What matters is how you view and handle these events and behaviors, and turn them into opportunities for the relationship to heat up.
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What do you think?
