year is approaching, I am getting closer to going home, and I have to face my parents again, and I can't help but feel nervous.
Every time before going home for the holidays, he will be tortured about major life events . From morning to night, every topic can be extended to the things that his parents care about. Thinking about it carefully, the topic will change every few years. In the past, it was academic issues and graduation issues, and later it was work issues. Of course, the issue that has been entangled for many years is marriage. Finally getting married, the relationship between mother and daughter has not eased for a few days, and now it's time to give birth to a child. Why don’t you have children yet? Explain! If you are not satisfied, continue to explain! I feel suffocated when I think about the questions I have to face, and it is inevitable to have a lot of excitement during the New Year and the holidays.
All these major life events, I thought were my own business, but if I couldn't do anything well, I would not only be sorry for myself, but also sorry for my parents. is very stressful. I really hope that my parents will be the ones who love me unconditionally and say to me, "It's okay, whatever you do is fine, whatever you do is fine." However, it is very difficult, even impossible, because if asks them to say this, they will think that it is irresponsible to me, that it is severing ties, and that it means to ignore me and give up on me.
Speaking of which, my parents are still in charge of me. When did I first become aware of the words " tube "?
I remember one time when I went home during the Chinese New Year, many people gathered together and were very happy, but my father kept taking care of my grandma’s diet. Grandma was very angry and the atmosphere was not warm anymore. At that time, I didn't know why, but I blurted out, "Why do you always have to take care of her?" My father said, "I don't care about her, who takes care of her?!" At that time, I was shocked by this sentence, and I didn't say a word for a long time.
After careful consideration, this is the logic of Chinese people’s love: Chinese people’s “love” seems to be roughly equivalent to “control”.
Adults should take care of their children. This "control" includes protection and guidance, and they are responsible for this life. In most cases, parents' love for their children lasts a lifetime, a lifetime of worry, and a lifetime of responsibility. This is a very weighty and extremely long-lasting love.
Children should also take care of the elderly. This "management" mainly includes taking care of the elderly's health and providing them with care until the end of their lives. Often, once the elderly reach the age of needing care, they lose their right to speak and authority, and are sometimes treated as children. When it comes to physical health issues, children take care of and restrain the elderly by coaxing or even scolding.
In fact, Whether it is a child controlled by parents or an elderly person controlled by children, they have all been deprived of their autonomy to some extent and have lost their absolute right to speak. When I was a child, it was a health problem and an education problem, and it even extended to marriage and love problems, husband and wife problems, and grandchildren's raising problems when I grow up. When they get older, due to limited physical strength, energy and even intelligence, the elderly will be deprived of many decision-making rights, such as whether to stay at home or in a nursing home, whether to be cared for in turns or to stay in the home of one child.
Take me as an example. An older married woman like me is lucky enough to still be loved in a controlled manner.
Every time I go home, my mother will only politely talk to me about the whole day. The next day, I started to be tortured with relevant questions, and I needed to give an explanation. The current issue was fertility. Dig into the details and continue the discussion for several days.
In addition to the major events of childbirth, what is even more uncomfortable are the trivial matters of daily life.
My mother asked me: Why don't you drink water, why don't you put away your clothes, why don't you come out to drink tea, why don't you go for a walk, why are you afraid of seeing people at such an old age... With questions, she asked me to take action immediately. OK.
Regarding this, after calming down for a long time, my feeling is:
First of all, I am very relieved that my mother is full of energy , but my colleague's mother has collapsed in bed and cannot issue these questions or instructions. Whether she ordered me or quarreled with me, it was a sign of energy and, of course, love, but in a way that I couldn't quite accept.
Secondly, she cares deeply about me, and I feel it. Because when I go to my parents-in-law’s house, I sometimes even think that I don’t exist because no one asks me, or in other words, takes care of me. So, this is very valuable.
But no matter how I comfort myself, in the end, I must say that I cannot stand more than seven days in the face of these non-stop instructions or concerns. I will drink water when I am thirsty. Really, many times I drink water when she does not see it. The most important thing is, please, I am an adult, not that obedient child.
So, I will set a deadline for myself to go home, usually up to seven days. Every time before we leave, everything becomes warm again and I am reluctant to leave. When I got in the car, I even started to cry when I looked at the food I had brought from home, which my mother had forced on me after I had repeatedly shied away from it.
How can we ease the conflicts caused by parental love and avoid the exhaustion and grievance of love?
Parents' love for their children has been sufficiently praised in traditional Chinese culture. Nowadays, many disciplined children have left their families, leaving behind aggrieved and angry parents. Today, China is already in the process of modernization, and modernization emphasizes individual autonomy and human dignity. respects personal choices and preferences and gives each other space, which can also make people more relaxed. Regardless of whether a person accepts the concept of "respect", it has truly penetrated into everyone's heart, including children.
I want to be respectful and try to communicate rationally.
Because the last time I went home, I was really broken. I haven't been treated like this outside for a long time. I was asked, criticized and not allowed to resist.
I said to my mother: "You can ask me, are you thirsty? Don't ask me, why don't you drink water? Don't go on to say, no wonder you have pharyngitis?" "Can we be gentler?"
After saying these words, I regretted a little, because if parents start to talk to me politely, it seems to mean depression, it means birth, it means old age and frailty, and it depends on the face of the child. Of course, maybe I’m thinking too much. Isn’t reverse education popular now? Making both parties more comfortable may be more conducive to a long-term and smooth relationship. I expressed my thoughts, and my mother said that I was becoming more and more sensitive, and I wasn't like this before. Indeed, I have changed and I can’t go back.
This communication was not very successful, but at least I let my mother know my thoughts. Perhaps, the next step is to understand my thoughts, then respect my thoughts, and finally love me without restraining or controlling me. (Know - understand - respect - inclusive love)
Whether it is children or the elderly, what they want is not only to be loved, but also to be respected. I hope that there is some respect for other people's feelings and thoughts in love, even if there is only a trace, then this love will not be so heavy, depressing, or even crazy.
Of course, I still have to thank my parents for their great support, which made me get to where I am today. My mother sometimes laughs at me. After learning knowledge, I become more and more able to refute people. But I am more convinced now that educators are like gardeners rather than carpenters, digging rather than shaping. Likewise, love fulfills, not restricts.
