Many students asked me: After a man betrayed, he refused to divorce and did not break up with the mistress outside. Do he love me or the mistress?
This is a common question for many wives who have suffered marriage betrayal, because does have many men who cannot let go of their family and cannot contact the outside world after betrayal.
For this question, the teacher’s answer is that he doesn’t love anyone, and it can be said that everyone loves everyone. Why do you say that? Let's keep an eye on it, let's talk about the story of one of my students:
A few days ago, a female student came to me and said angrily: "Teacher, I found that my husband had betrayed me. I used the evidence to show off to him. He did not deny it, but he remained silent afterwards. I don't know if I should give up this marriage?
If he really loves it, I really love it. If you get into a woman outside, it would be meaningless if I don’t divorce. I would like to ask first, does he really love the woman outside? Or does he just play or love me? "
From the words of this student, I can hear her entanglement, and it is not difficult to see that the most concerned aspect of her husband’s extramarital affair is whether he has a true relationship with the third party. She wants to use this as an important reference for what she should do next.
I understand her feelings very well, but I suggest that she should not use her husband's emotional investment in a third party as an important or even the only basis for judging whether to divorce. Why, because there are obvious differences in thinking between men and women.
In fact, women who are confused about this problem must naively believe that love has exclusiveness . If I have me in my heart, I cannot have her. If I love her in my heart, I should divorce me.
But it turns out that what men expect most is that the fish and bear's paws are all on the same table and live in harmony. What many women can never understand is the emperor dream in men's hearts, just like men cannot understand the princess dream in women's hearts.
The princess only needs a prince charming, but the emperor needs three palaces and six courtyards. What is truly exclusive is marriage, not love.
However, what the teacher wants to say is that men desire three palaces and six courtyards, which does not mean that they will not only love you, but the premise is that you need to understand what a man thinks and use the correct method to guide him into the model of loyalty to marriage to .
Based on my analysis of many men's psychology over the years, we can find that:
The reason why he cannot make a choice between the original wife and the mistress is because the original wife gives him a sense of belonging to home. He has hot dishes and hot rice as soon as he gets home. He doesn't need to worry about his children's studies or parents' physical affairs. But he will get tired of it. This kind of life when he sees the head at a glance makes him bored.
And what about the woman outside? Most of them are young and beautiful, love to dress up and play, which can give him a sense of freshness and make his middle age ripples like a stagnant pool of middle age. Although these women are difficult to control, men enjoy this stimulation of being uncontrollable and scratching their hearts.
But at the same time, they are not suitable for life, and the man feels uncontrollable, so he feels he is being split in half if he wants him to give up any of them.
To put it bluntly, these men have a sense of belonging to their wives who are worried about their daily life, but they find it boring. The women outside make him worry, as if they have regained the feeling of falling in love when they were young, but they are insecure.
Actually, we all know that fish and bear's paw cannot have both, but men want the best of both worlds. They always want to take advantage, but there is a law in their relationship, that is, the law that cannot take advantage. Anyone who wants to take advantage will definitely suffer a loss. Only when you are satisfied can you be happy. If you want to escape, you will definitely be finished.
But as the original wife, you should understand that a man is not not not loving you, he is half of you who loves you, because you cannot meet the other half, so no matter which one he chooses, he will lose the other half of his needs, and of course he will not agree.
so that's why you ask him when he completely breaks off with the woman outside, he will choose to be silent, because expressing his opinion means that this beautiful threesome pattern will be broken.
as the original wife. Although he betrayed you and was sorry for you, it made you very collapse, but if you really divorced, is it like half of it? You don't agree either, so everyone seems to be playing a game with a finale.
It's like you are standing on the edge of a cliff and accidentally fall down. During the fall, you caught a vine. There is no way. This is your last chance to save your life. Can you not catch it seriously?
But you are also very clear that when you run out of strength, what is waiting for you is still a death, it is just a countdown.
Now, let’s go back to this lady’s question, and I told her that if you want your marriage to survive, you have to change and become a woman with both functions, that is, learn to make men worry about you .
How to do it specifically?
I suggest her make the following three changes:
First of all, you must live with yourself and pay attention to the improvement of your self-worth
Woman’s thinking is that I am good to you, you must love me. But I tell you, it is your thinking that harming you. Whether a man loves you is not about whether you treat him well or whether your value can be replaced.
In addition to cooking, washing and raising children, you must improve your value in other aspects, learn to love yourself, and remember that the more you love yourself, others will love you.
Secondly, establish your own framework and show your bottom line
We do not recommend divorce when doing emotional consultation work, but is not afraid of filing divorce when negotiating with a man. If he thinks you are joking, you can directly tell him your divorce plan. For example, how to deal with children's problems, how do you arrange your future life and work, etc., so that he can see your determination to divorce .
In addition, you can also grasp his pain points, collect evidence of his cheating, and tell him that if he does not completely eliminate the extramarital affair, he will bear a huge price. , such as career impact, reputation damage, etc. Of course, in this way, he can break up with the women outside step by step and return to his family honestly.
This student did do it according to the two points I said. In just three months, she told me that she had changed a lot and that her marriage had also ushered in a turning point. I am really happy for this student.
However, on this issue, many original partners of do not have the confidence to do so, because they lack systematic psychological construction and strategic mastery, they dare not show off with the man with confidence, and they do not know how to negotiate step by step with the man for the camp . This requires one-on-one guidance to give you more confidence to engage in psychological game with men.
