Bei Su, a psychological counselor, focuses on marriage and emotions, and carefully creates every emotional column to take you to meet a better self and a better emotional relationship.
01
Faced with betrayal in marriage, you must be in pain and hurt. You cannot accept this cruel fact, let alone accept the sudden changes in your relationship.
At the same time, you cannot accept that you are in pain and hurt, because you know that you must love yourself well, you must make yourself happier and live a better life, and you must keep yourself away from this state of being affected by pain and hurt as soon as possible.
You don’t want to make yourself live so hard, but you feel powerless and you will find it difficult to help yourself.
You will feel that the more you want to escape from this pain and the more you want to not think about things related to betrayal, the more you will be unable to break free from the feelings of " Why did he betray him, how could he hurt himself like this? I feel so wronged, my efforts have been let down, this is too unfair" and other feelings.
"It seems to help yourself get rid of the pain of betrayal, it seems to help yourself heal, it seems to let yourself no longer be affected by this betrayal." You cannot complete these expectations of yourself. These parts that cannot help yourself and satisfy yourself will slowly become your denial of yourself.
02
"Why am I so unindependent, why am I just inseparable from him, why am I so fragile?" These doubts and denial voices of yourself seem to force you to deal with betrayal, and seem to help you move towards self-healing faster.
But these sounds will only become an obstacle to your healing pain again, making your steps heavier and making it more difficult for you to heal the pain in your heart.
When your inner self is blocked by these painful and self-denial voices and you cannot help yourself, you will be more looking forward to the help of external forces.
You hope your partner can give you an apology, you hope your partner can give you a clear attitude, you hope he can make more efforts to let you go.
You think that as long as you reconcile with your partner who betrayed you, you will be able to heal your heart's pain.
If the betrayer can meet the changes and efforts you expect, maybe you will be much more relaxed, but there will still be resentment, distrust, and unwillingness in your heart.
If the betrayer cannot meet the changes and efforts you expect, you may become more confused and anxious, as if you cannot find your direction.
And you will find that even if your partner apologizes sincerely and actively saves your relationship, you are still in pain, and you still can't get out of the pain of this betrayal.
03
Perhaps, You need to stop "get rid of pain", you need to stop paying attention to your partner, you need to reconcile with yourself first, instead of forcing yourself to be strong, let alone pay attention to whether the betrayer feels guilty or knows his mistake.
By reconciling with yourself, you can face the pain of betrayal in a way that you can bear and achieve self-healing. How should
reconcile with yourself? You can give yourself permission in three aspects, allowing you to truly take care of yourself by allowing you.
First: Allowing yourself is painful, allowing yourself to be haggard in the days after betrayal.
The painful state seems to convey that you are in a bad state, and you will also feel the same way when you encounter the pain of betrayal.
Although marriage is betrayal and hurts you, you will feel that you are in a bad state of pain, and you will be very repelled from your painful state. You will begin to deny and attack yourself as analyzed in the previous article.
It is right to stay away from pain, it is right to heal yourself and cheer up again in life, but you need to know one premise: You need to make some preparations and take some time to calm yourself.
Before you are ready to pick up your own reason to deal with this pain, You can allow yourself to be painful, allow yourself to face the pain of betrayal, and allow yourself to be unable to deal with the marital crisis in a more "integrity" state.
allows you to truly see and understand yourself. Just stay with yourself like a friend, without comfort or persuasion, just silently give yourself "immersed in pain and a little haggard" for some time.
Second: Allow yourself to choose, and allow yourself to have both resentment and reluctance.
After experiencing betrayal, you must be resentful and angry. You may also want to make a choice as soon as possible. If you continue the marriage, let the other party make a promise. If you end the marriage, let yourself break with these things.
No matter what, you hope to help yourself get rid of the painful situation brought by betrayal through a choice.
But the same goes for the analysis in the previous article, the faster you want to make a choice, the more difficult you will find it, want to continue the marriage, and feel that your partner’s betrayal cannot be forgiven.
If you want to end your marriage, you really have a lot of things in your heart that you can't let go and feel reluctant to let go, and you are reluctant to admit it, but you do have love in your heart and still have love for your partner.
In this entanglement, you can allow yourself to make choices, and you can allow yourself to have two attitudes towards your partner at the same time.
It is a resentment towards his betrayal, and he does not understand or accept his betrayal.
Another is that he has emotions for him, his nostalgia for your shared past experiences, and his expectations for your future.
You don’t need to make choices quickly. It is difficult for you to make choices clearly in these two feelings, and allow yourself and yourself to slowly confirm and make choices.
Third: Allow yourself to trust again, tell yourself that this is not your fault, you are just protecting yourself.
After experiencing betrayal, you may still want to continue your marriage. You have thought of forgiveing your partner, giving him a chance, and giving your marriage a chance.
You will let go of some of your resentment for betrayal because of this, and you also want to let go of the past and start over with him, but What puzzles you is that it is difficult for you to trust your partner, it is difficult to believe in him like the past, and believe in your future.
It feels bad for you to not trust your partner again. You don’t want to live in worries, nor do you want your marriage to be in a state of swaying.
Even you know you need to trust him, which will make your relationship better and make you and your partner much better, but deep down you just can't do it.
In this situation, please remember to return to yourself. You can also give yourself some permission. Allow yourself not to forget the pain caused by betrayal, and allow yourself to be difficult to put down your defense and re-trust after being injured.
You can take yourself to see it. Your distrust is a kind of self-protection. It does not want to hinder you, nor does it hinder you. It is not your fault that you cannot trust. You are just protecting yourself and caring for yourself better.
Feel this self-protection, be grateful for this self-protection, be grateful for yourself to protect yourself.
04
Do these allowances, give yourself more time and space, and see the efforts you have made for yourself; it will make you feel the power of caring for and caring for yourself in your heart.These powers,
, will allow you to return to yourself, reconcile with yourself, and make your inner self more stable and harmonious.
It will be easier for you to come back to yourself, but you care too much about your partner's attitude and anxiety to get rid of pain. Instead, you can quietly accompany yourself , care for yourself, warm yourself, reconcile with yourself, and no longer make things difficult for yourself . This is the beginning of self-healing.
It is true that the pain brought by betrayal makes you very hard, but what you allow yourself and your reconciliation with yourself in your heart is the best start to help you get rid of the pain of betrayal.
