Author: Dr. Guan Meilin (a well-known domestic positive psychology and education expert)
Editor: Fu Yang
Produced by: Marriage and Family Magazine
For a long time, we have described a good marriage habit and said "they never quarrel" or "the couple has never been blushing in their lives". It can be seen that in the minds of many people, a marriage without quarrels and conflicts is a good marriage.
Under this concept, many couples have deep frustration about their marriage because they find that not only can't avoid quarrels, but they often have conflicts with their partners.
In order to pursue the ideal comprehensive and harmonious marriage state, some people have started a self-repressive mode and face conflicts in a way that is obedient, non-expressive, concessionate and forbearance. But over time, too much suppressed emotions will break out of control due to unsuppressed pressure, turning into a long and harmonious and short-term relationship pattern.
It is true that we all hope to be on par with our partners every day, but this is just a good wish, not a reasonable expectation. Because there are too many differences in the gender, personality, growth experience, social roles, etc. in marriage, which determines that even if you are as close as a couple, there will be friction during the process of getting along, and when the two people's wishes, opinions and actions are inconsistent.
Moreover, the higher the degree of interdependence between husband and wife (that is, the longer they stay together), the wider the types of activities and tasks to be coordinated will be, and the more likely the conflict will occur. Therefore, conflicts in a good marriage relationship are not only normal, but also inevitable.
The main reason why many people are afraid of conflict is that they are worried that it will damage intimacy and have a destructive impact on marriage. This is actually a huge misunderstanding of conflict. American psychologist Donald Peterson describes 5 ways to end conflicts, which allows us to see that some ways of dealing with conflicts happen to be resources for marriage growth.
Some partners exit the conflict when the conflict is not resolved. This is the way is separated . This method can temporarily end the conflict and calm everyone down, but it cannot come up with a solution to the problem.
Some partners often use to control to resolve conflicts, that is, the strong side conquers the other side, and the other side stops resisting. Although this method achieves temporary harmony, it will arouse disgust among the losers and may breed hostility and resentment in the future;
Some partners are used to using compromise method to resolve conflicts, that is, both sides make concessions, lower their expectations separately, and find alternative methods that both parties accept to end the conflict. But this method actually makes both the couple not very satisfied.
Two other methods proposed by Peterson: "integration consistency" and "structural improvement" are the most constructive ways to resolve conflicts.
"Integration and consistency" means that you have the creative and flexible way to meet the initial goals and expectations of both parties. For example, for New Year's Eve, couples want to spend the New Year with their parents, so going back to their homes for the New Year has become the theme of conflict for some families every year. In fact, couples can break the rules and invite their parents to go out for the New Year together. Everyone can enjoy happy travel and have intimate time, which is the flexible solution. Of course, it requires partners to enhance their flexibility, innovation, imagination and decisiveness in solving problems.
"Structural Improvement" refers to the fact that partners not only get what they want, but also learn and grow from it, so that the couple's relationship will undergo positive and stable changes. When encountering conflicts, couples can fully realize the content of the conflict. For example, whether the two regard the meaning of going home for the New Year as too rigid (filial), turn the choice of going home for the New Year into a potential power struggle (who makes the decision), whether they can interact more with their parents in daily life and enhance their emotional relationships to avoid their parents' persistent needs for the New Year together, etc.The positive thing about conflict resolution is that problems that cannot be discovered by everyone will be exposed in conflict. Therefore, couples can use conflicts to see each other's differences and understand the deep causes of the problems, and ultimately think deeply about and resolve the problems from the aspects of values, thinking styles, self-esteem, personal preferences, fairness, respect, etc. As a result, both parties have gained personality growth and improvement, thus largely avoiding the recurrence of similar conflicts, which is therefore called "structural improvement".
Positive psychology has always emphasized "turning crisis into opportunity", and conflicts handled properly happen to be opportunities for marriage growth. A happy and harmonious marriage is not obtained by avoiding conflicts, but on the contrary, it is precisely the effort to grow through "collision all the way".
This article is excerpted from "Marriage and Family" magazine
Original title: ""Collision all the way" to achieve a happy marriage"
