often see private messages like this: "A man is not enterprising and is addicted to games. He never cares about all things at home, nor does he participate in the growth of his children. He will not affect him by gentle persuasion or insults. He is becoming increasingly disappointed with this marriage. I don't know if there is any need to continue."
Many people have a misunderstanding in their marriage relationship, "try to change the other party" , but doing so will not have any good results. It is like two people pushing each other forward face to face, and the result will only be stagnant or one of them will give in .
What should I do when I encounter such a partner who disappoints me?
A student said: My man knows how to play games every day, and the game addiction is heavier than the young man. He fights endlessly. He loses his temper when he asks him to eat, and he is also impatient when he calls him to sleep. He also says that I nag him every day, isn’t I for his own good?
We quarreled every day over this matter, and they quarreled a lot. He moved directly to the guest room to sleep. I was so angry that I wanted to argue with him, but he played his own game throughout the whole process and said nothing. His attitude really doesn't know what to do.
It is obvious that the two people in the case are not feeling well in this intimate relationship. Women think that men are not doing their jobs and are addicted to games all day long. Men think that women are nagging and only know how to criticize themselves. Both of them are very painful in marriage.
But in fact, the reason for their pain is different:
The wife thinks that men only know how to play games, not take care of their families, and even more so they don’t care about themselves. Therefore, they want to make men realize their mistakes in their behavior through nagging and criticism.
Men think that women nag themselves every day, and the more they listen, the more annoyed they will develop a rebellious mentality: the more annoyed you, the less I am, the less I am. Just scold me, I will scold you, can't I not listen?
At this time, both of them felt that the other party was the reason for their pain, "It was because he played games; it was not because she was nagging." They both believed that as long as the other party did not do this, the problem would naturally be solved. But both of them did not realize their own problems and only saw each other's mistakes, so marriage was so painful.
In fact, this situation is very common in marriage. In my many consulting cases, there are complaints that men do not take care of their children, do not care about their families and do not get close to their parents, do not be enterprising in their work, do not spend money on themselves, and say they are vain, etc.
In their opinion, men do not care about themselves at all, and even if they do not understand themselves, men also think women do not understand themselves. Neither of them is aware of their own problems and is even more unwilling to give in. As a result, negative emotions continued to intensify, and they fell into a vicious cycle, and the relationship became worse and worse. So how should we end this negative emotion?
: What is a vicious cycle?
First of all, we need to understand what is a vicious cycle? The teacher will tell you a simple recognition formula: What is the reason, so how do I do? The more I am, the more I am.
brings this sentence into the case just now. looks from the perspective of women . Because men play games, I am very angry. The more angry I accuse him, the more he wants to escape me.
Similarly, From the perspective of , men's perspective, : Because a woman accused me, I wanted to avoid her. The more I wanted to avoid her, the more angry she became.
For example, because women lack security, they require men to reply information in seconds and answer calls in seconds. Once the man is a step late, no matter what he is doing, they will call in a crazy series and question it.
At the beginning, men may think that this is a manifestation of women paying attention to themselves, but once they get more times, men will feel that women are making trouble and feel that being with her is depressing, so they will choose to break up.
Women try to get a lack of sense of security in men, which puts a lot of pressure on men and also leads to injuries in intimate relationships. But the more injured they are, the more women will find a sense of security in men. This is a vicious cycle.
2: Examine yourself and think about problems from the other party's standpoint
Secondly, we need to examine ourselves first, then think about each other's true thoughts, and see how two people affect each other.
From a woman's perspective, it is : A man ignores the needs of my children and me when playing games, so I feel that he doesn't care about me at all, and does not care about this family. I feel very disappointed and lonely. My needs cannot be understood and supported by him at all. Such a marriage life makes me feel hopeless. When I think about the future life is like this, I feel hopeless.
Let’s Think from the perspective of others how men feel : When I am criticized by my wife, I feel that I am not recognized by my wife, I feel that I am useless, there is nothing that satisfies her, I feel that I am bad, helpless, and full of frustration.
That's why I blame my wife and even avoid her because doing so can make me feel better.
From a man's perspective, is: when she loses her temper at me and accuses me, it makes me feel depressed, which puts me under a lot of pressure, I feel very bad, I am already trying to relieve my emotions, and try not to let her be affected by my negative emotions, but she is still angry, which makes me feel irritated, so I don't want her to follow her wishes and make her come true.
Let’s go to Think about the woman’s feelings from others: I was really sad to see him avoiding me constantly. I felt that he had never considered my feelings at all, and did not consider whether doing so would hurt me. I felt that I was not important in his heart at all. My needs could not be responded to, so I became aggressive and eager to find an answer.
: Aware of the impact on your partner and take responsibility
Seeing this, everyone may have some questions. I know that doing this will fall into a vicious cycle, but it is useless. I am angry and still quarrel endlessly.
In fact, the reason why talks about a vicious cycle is to make everyone have a sense that any relationship becomes bad is not the fault of one person, but the wrong perception of two people in this relationship.
When we realize our impact on our partner, we can make choices, calm down, reduce the harm of words to each other, and prevent the deterioration of the relationship. Push two people from facing each other, and move forward in the same direction.
When both of you calm down and listen to each other's needs, communication will become much easier. When two people work together, the difficulties and obstacles in front of them will eventually be solved.
When a relationship has problems, you can first tell whether it is a vicious cycle. Work together in the same direction, so that each other can progress through each other's love and tolerance, and make marriage happier.
