"There is only one kind of heroism in the world
which is to still love life after seeing the truth of life"
From the age of 19 to 26, our interviewee Xiao Xiao met, got to know, and fell in love with a man, regardless of the opposition of his family and He got married naked, gave up his work, his figure, took care of the housework, and gave birth to a daughter. She always felt that this was a very nice and gentle man, and no one in the world would treat her as kindly as him.
is until one day, a young girl holds a photo to find the door and tells her that in their marriage, there are not only primary three, but also small four small five small seven small seven ... Xiao Xiao, who has no way to go, decides to decide Farewell to the world, at the moment of her death, she saw the most secret emotions in her heart.
Xiao Xiao, who has been through hell, decided to tell her story in a public place, which may help her truly overcome this hurdle.
The following is her story.
Narrator | Xiaoxiao
Editor | Candy
Near death experience
I thought I had stopped breathing, curled up into a thick black shadow in the back seat of the car. People come and go in the express service area, but no one knows that there is a woman who overdosed on medicine.
The medicine was bought from several pharmacies. I squatted downstairs in the community, removed the packages one by one, tore them into pieces, and then put the medicine into the cigarette box. I told my colleagues, goodbye, I have to go back to my hometown, and then drove all the way on the highway in the sunset. Halfway through, I also received a call from my leader. He was worried and anxious about next month's performance. I understand this feeling of shouldering a heavy burden all too well, so I set a flag with him in a brisk tone: "Don't worry, our performance will definitely be completed next month!"
After hanging up the phone, I took more than a hundred pills in one gulp. Swallow.
The world seemed to suddenly turn on 0.5 times speed, and everything became slow and peaceful. I lay gently on the back seat, turned on my phone and played music, just like people in TV dramas do before leaving, thinking about my unfulfilled wishes.
My parents may be very sad.
They have lived in Genhe City, "China's Cold Pole", for more than fifty years, spending more than six months of winter every year. The small town is closed and boring, and most of life revolves around children and snow. I remember many mornings. As soon as I opened my eyes in the morning, dads from all the houses in the building would be wearing round clothes and going downstairs to work with shovels and brooms. They want to shovel a smooth path for the children to go to school.
I also thought of my cloud-like daughter. Her grandma has been taking care of her since she was born. She is so young. She is busy watching TV, eating lollipops, and hanging out with her aunt and brother every day. Her life is simple and rich, and she probably won't be able to think of her mother for a while. This is very good. Instead of letting her look forward to me and miss me, it is better to simply forget about me. It doesn't even matter if she hates me.
But whether it is parents or daughters, I think they will accept it all in the end. Car accidents, diseases, accidents, many young people die suddenly every day, many people suddenly lose their children, and many children suddenly lose their mothers. If those people can survive, my family will also be able to survive. I can't survive anyway.
I used to be very curious about what it feels like to die, will you still be conscious after death, can you feel pain, are there really heaven and hell, and what can people see after death?
But now I have to admit that that world is no different from the world we usually live in. It even continues real life.
After losing consciousness, I somehow got out of the car and ran towards the greenery next to the highway. There were many of my colleagues, classmates, and friends around, a lively group of people. I didn’t know what they were talking about. As soon as he leaned over, he rolled down the slope of the green belt.
But that’s not possible. They are all up there. I don’t want to stay alone on the lawn at the bottom of the valley. I used both feet together and tried my best to climb up, but the slope was so steep. The further I climbed, the farther away I was from the top. The voices of my friends became increasingly muffled.
So thirsty, so thirsty. I looked up and saw bottles of green drinks hanging on the tree, but when I finally picked them off and put them to my mouth, they turned into dry leaves. I have no choice but to keep moving forward. My throat was sore, my skirt was torn, my shoes were lost, and my phone was thrown away. I walked barefoot back and forth on the highway, followed a light spot to the service area, and took a swig of water by the toilet sink. .
I was exhausted, my legs and feet were weak, and I felt groggy. Lying on the bench, I saw my colleague waving to me and driving my car away. There were people coming and going in the bathroom around me. A big brother looked at me several times, and finally came over and knelt down and asked me, "Sister, are you okay?" I felt so wronged, and cried loudly and said to the big brother, "My colleagues and I We went out to play together, but they left me here alone! They didn’t want me anymore!”
The elder brother was very nice and called the police immediately. The police's voice had just sounded, and my colleagues suddenly appeared in front of me. When they saw my nose bursting with tears, they felt helpless and wanted to laugh, "Why are you so anxious? We didn't go anywhere. We are clients who have been out all day and we didn't leave you behind." As they said this, they took out the Photos taken when visiting clients.
I scrolled through the photos and looked at the familiar scenes inside, and suddenly woke up. It’s the familiar ceiling, the familiar curtains, the familiar smell of the bedroom. I’m lying on the bed at home, and it’s still light outside. Looking at the date on my phone, I saw that 24 hours had passed since I swallowed the pills.
It turns out that many of the things that happened just now were all my hallucinations when I was on the verge of death. Those hallucination scenes of being abandoned by people around me may be the deepest fear in my heart.
The line between life and death The day I lost consciousness scared many people. It was my colleague who first noticed something was wrong. There was a meeting at 10 o'clock the night before, but I didn't go; the boss called the next day and couldn't get through. Someone saw some depressing words on my Weibo and felt something was wrong. They immediately contacted the headquarters to check my emergency contact. As a result, my husband and sister said they didn't know. My colleague hurriedly checked that my car was located in the expressway service area. When he rushed there, he found that there was only one empty car. When everyone was going crazy, they heard someone from the service area opposite shouting, "There's something wrong with a woman, please call someone!" I ran over to take a look, and I fainted on the ground. No one thought that I would do such a thing, let alone why. Some people even speculated at one point, "Is it a ghost?" There is a girl who may understand my collapse - my husband's mistress. One day a long time ago, a girl suddenly added me on QQ. She didn’t explain her purpose and kept tempting me to look at her space photo album. In the photo, the faces of a man and a woman are mosaiced, and there are many objects scattered around them, such as watches, rings, clothes, etc. From the moment we met, I arranged all my husband's clothes and decorations, and I can recognize even one corner of his clothes. I am convinced that the man in the photo is my husband. Later, I had a phone call with this girl and talked calmly for more than two hours. She told me, There is not only her between me and my husband, but also many, many women, his clients, his Leaders are among them. I am actually not surprised by this fact. I also told her my story, what kind of man that was, how he met me, fell in love with me, and cheated on me again and again. Naked marriage I was only 19 years old when I met him, and I didn’t understand what love and marriage were at all.I only know that during my internship, there was a young man who was good-looking and courteous. I couldn't help but always want to talk to him more. After he broke up with his then-girlfriend, we naturally got together. Both parents do not agree with this relationship. My parents feel that he is 6 years older than me, has no stable job, no car or house, and is from a peasant family. The environment in which he grew up is very different from mine, and his outlook may be different. His parents weren't happy either. I am a foreigner and young, so they were afraid that I would lose our relationship after a few years and delay their son from becoming a leftover man. In fact, at the beginning, neither of us rushed to get married. But the more oppression there is, the more resistance there is, as if to prove to someone that the better we get along. On my 22nd birthday, without a house, a car, no savings, and no job, we decided to get a marriage certificate. To be fair, for a long time, he was very considerate and responsive to my needs. At that time, there was a popular saying on Weibo, which said, "Never believe that a man is good to you, because he may not be able to give you anything except being good to you. And since he can be good to you, he can also be good to you." Be good to others. " But I don't believe it. I firmly believe that I will never meet anyone who treats me better than him. I am too young to know that love and patience will slowly disappear over time. When I was 24 years old, my daughter was born and my life began to change dramatically. I'm 1.7 meters tall and weighed over 90 pounds before giving birth. I'm extremely slim. I love to look pretty and dress up, like a carefree little girl. But after giving birth to the baby, my weight suddenly reached 140, and I didn’t have time to think about hair style, clothes, and grooming. The baby is so young, I have to be careful everywhere when eating, sleeping, and walking. I will be nervous for a long time when I burp. How can I have time to take care of myself? I don’t think I need to maintain any image in front of my husband. I followed him when I was 19. Now that I have my children, I can trust him with my whole life. How can he be attracted to others just because I am not slim or good-looking? I raised my daughter peacefully and took care of the housework until the child was four years old. That day, I used his mobile phone to check the price of a product. I found that he bought two boxes of chocolates on Valentine's Day. One box was given to me, and the recipient of the other box was his colleague. I didn’t say a word at the time, and went straight to the WeChat chat records of the two of them. There was nothing explicit, but they kept talking about some personal emotional matters. I took my phone to ask my husband, and he directly admitted it and said that was right. Girls do have a different feeling, but they have never slept with each other, and there are no other women other than that. This was the first time I encountered such a thing. I couldn't accept it at all. I filed for divorce directly. I hugged my daughter and said, "Mom and dad are going to separate. Mom will take you away." The daughter was frightened. Sometimes she cried for her father, and sometimes she cried for her mother. Her mother-in-law stopped her and also cried at the same time. He knelt down again, slapped him again, and swore to God again. He repeated the same routine in the TV series. The house was a mess from crying, and I felt dizzy. In the end, I didn’t know why but I still stayed. Things passed quickly, and after two or three days it seemed like everything had completely changed. Now think about it, how wonderful it would be if we got divorced at that time. I can feel that although our family is not separated, our hearts are getting farther and farther apart. He is no longer the good man who puts me first in everything and takes care of his family. I didn’t earn much from work, so we discussed starting a business together to open a baby swimming pool . But the store was about to open, but he suddenly told me that he didn’t think it was interesting for a grown man to guard a store, and he had already found a job. I have to go to work and help me share the physical work after work.But in more than two years, he only helped a little in the first month. Every time I called him to help, he was always "on a business trip", "at work", "call so and so." ”, let me find someone else to help. I am alone, squatting in the five-meter-long swimming pool, cleaning the pool, changing the water, and making video calls with the workers to learn how to repair the boiler and pipes. I am worried every day, and my dreams are all about the boiler exploding or the swimming pool leaking and killing others. The basement of a house floods, or a child falls into the pool, and the parents come to make trouble. My nerves were highly tense every day, and I felt extremely frustrated. Later I went to the hospital to see a doctor, who diagnosed me with moderate depression. I showed him the medical certificate and he said, "Oh, I understand, then you should rest more." Other than that, he said nothing else. The last straw for me was the debt that was far beyond our ability to repay it. We borrowed part of the money to start a business and open a store. Later, he told me that the company had projects that needed to be paid, so he borrowed another 600,000 to 700,000 yuan in my name. Later, the company went bankrupt and the money was folded in. In order to make money to pay off his debts, he went to participate in online gambling, borrowed hundreds of thousands more, and finally lost it all. demolished the east wall to pay for the west wall, and used new loans to finance the old ones. The last one owed more than 2 million yuan, and had to pay back 40,000 to 50,000 yuan every month. The debt collection calls kept coming and my cell phone was ringing like a time bomb in my life. At that time, I had already filed for divorce from him. We spent seven or eight years together without a house, a car, no property that could be divided, and only tangled debts. My proposal is that I will repay the four to five million yuan in my name myself, and he will settle the other debts by himself. But when it came to money, he seemed like a completely different person, refusing to give in even a step. The two of us sat face to face many times and reconciled the accounts one by one, but how could we calculate those messy accounts clearly? He used this as an excuse to delay the divorce. After we separated, the girl I rented with also had debts. I watched with my own eyes the debt collectors came from other places and demanded that she pay back the money in a ferocious manner. I completely collapsed. This is like a preview of my future life. I know that sooner or later, those people will find me and destroy everything about me in the most rude way and trample my self-esteem under their feet. My husband betrayed my marriage, I was burdened with high debts, and there was huge pressure on my work performance. No one could share the burden for me, no one could listen to me, and I had no way out. Leaving quietly alone in the highway service area is the best way I can think of. Live, for yourself After going around the door of death, I kept thinking, why did I live like this? The failure of the marriage was largely due to his betrayal, but in this matter, did my weakness also condone him? Actually, when I found out that he cheated on me for the first time, I should get divorced. But the fact is, even if the girl sent me a photo of them, I didn't firmly want to separate from him. The word divorce was more like an excuse I used to punish him. Ever since I was little, I have always been afraid of being left behind. When I was little, I cried a lot and no one liked to play with me. I only had one or two friends after the third grade. This leads me to cherish friendship very much. To what extent can I cherish it? As long as you say it, I will promise you. Whether I like it or not, whatever you want to do, I will definitely accompany you to do it. This pleaser personality has been deeply imprinted in my body. It constantly reminds me to cherish and be content. Even if I am betrayed, I cannot let go because you cannot find a man who treats you better. I have always been too strong on my family. After learning the news that I was taking medication, my sister was anxious and angry. She couldn't understand why I encountered so many things and didn't tell my family at all. I really don’t know what to say. When I learned that my husband was cheating on me, my first reaction was not anger, but helplessness and fear. I didn’t know how to tell my parents.I was the one who vowed to be with him at the beginning, and everything was my own choice. I was afraid that after they found out, not only would they not lend a helping hand, but they would also laugh at me, ridicule me, and say, "What did we tell you back then?" ? "I can't bear such eyes and accusations. In the impression of my mother and sister, I have always been a very good person, and I even have many expectations that exceed objective expectations. Growing up, no matter what decision I made, they would basically say "very good, very good, very good, very good" and rarely give any advice. The more they behave like this, the more anxious I am, anxious to live the way they expect, anxious not to let them down. But in fact, many times I don’t know what to do at all, so I can only bite the bullet and bump around according to my temper, and finally make myself covered with bruises. But after this incident, I realized that your family will never leave you. Only they will protect you unconditionally and accept an injured child unconditionally. After knowing about the debt, my sister directly gave me hundreds of thousands and asked me to pay off the urgent debt first. My mother also sold the house immediately and settled all the debts in my name. Until now, my mother only knows that I have depression , but she doesn’t know that I once really almost left this world. I could clearly feel her caution, fearing that any words she said would make me unhappy. You obviously miss me, but you dare not take the initiative to contact me. Every time I received a call, I was so happy that I didn’t know what to say. I just kept saying, "Oh, oh, oh, you have time. Have you eaten?" For a long time, my sister would call me every day. A video call, in case something happens to me. One time I was taking the train home to see my daughter and accidentally lost my cell phone. My sister couldn't contact me and I was so anxious. An hour later, I filled up my mobile phone card and called her. She had already gone to the train station to buy a ticket and was ready to find me. After my company was not doing well, my sister found a job for me in Beijing. I know that she wants me to stay by her side and see that I am healthy and safe. I am in my 30s. I have given birth to children, got divorced, have little money, and my job is not particularly good. I have been through hell and back, and most of the time I have been trying to survive for my parents and sister. The harm caused by marriage to me has not yet passed. Those pains are like thorns buried in my flesh. It still hurts when I accidentally touch them. But I know that it will get better and life will get back on track. With the tolerance and company of my family, I will definitely be able to find the meaning of my life. For the rest of my life, whether wonderful or not, I will work hard to truly live for myself. -END- The article is reproduced from the interview of Beijing Youth
Disappearing Love
