Before starting today’s course, let me introduce to you two important figures in non-violent communication:
Miss Giraffe and Mr. Jackal:
Let’s first meet Miss Giraffe, a beautiful, elegant, warm and powerful young lady. The following three characteristics:
1. Miss Giraffe has a long neck and a tall body, so she has a long-term vision and is not limited to immediate gains and losses.
For example, when we are cheated on, we feel that the sky is falling and the future is dark.
But if we put this pain into the long river of life. You will find that this experience is just a stage in life, the darkness will eventually pass, and the wounds will eventually heal. Don't panic, don't panic, there is moonlight when the sun sets.
2. The heart of an adult giraffe weighs 40 kilograms, making it the largest of all animals on land.
Therefore, we can accommodate each other in the relationship and communicate from the heart.
Even if we are severely ravaged by life, go through hardships in marriage, and are completely hurt by the person next to us, can we still have a strong heart, turn all the pain into fertilizer for growth, and always be able to see ourselves? and the expectation behind the other party’s accusations, the powerlessness behind the anger, and the desire behind the indifference.
3. The giraffe’s favorite plant, the acacia, has many thorns, but she can absorb the nutrients that nourish her life from the thorns.
When we hear unpleasant words and encounter hurt and betrayal from the other party, can we, like Miss Giraffe, see each other's feelings and needs through these hurtful words and behaviors?
Next, let’s introduce Mr. Jackal:
1. Compared with Miss Giraffe, Mr. Jackal is shorter and his eyes are more focused. It means that his vision is relatively short-sighted and he will not pay attention to the long-term development of the relationship.
2. Mr. Jackal is easy to attack in life. Whenever emotions arise, he will not know how to deal with them, and will attack, accuse, and bite.
If you think about it, you will find that before we caught him cheating, he would sometimes attack and criticize you for no reason. What are you doing?", "Are you still like a woman? You only complain every day, this home is not warm at all, I want to go out.", "How did you become a mother? The child is too noisy. Sleep next door."...This is also the reason why the self-worth of the cheating sister has been suppressed and devalued, and she has been unable to come out.
3. Mr. Jackal’s temperament is irritable and irritable. As long as there is a little displeasure, he will immediately fight back furiously and even bite you tightly.
So why does Mr. Jackal have so much violence in his relationship? The final analysis is because he has many, many judgments.
When it comes to judgment, it is everyone's evaluation of whether things are right or wrong - what meets their own needs is good and right. Those who cannot satisfy themselves are bad and wrong.
For example, if we need a cheating partner to be more communicative and considerate, then he will be "cold as a wall"; if we are more concerned about the details of his cheating psychological process, they will have "no sincerity to return". If we If we vent our emotions, then we are "excusable". If the person we cheated on cannot catch our emotions and vents to us, then he is a "PUA, a narcissistic personality who doesn't care about us."
sisters have Didn't realize that each of us has a yardstick in our heart, and we will not only use this yardstick to measure others, but also to judge others.
In fact, we tend to use a ruler to measure ourselves unconsciously, causing ourselves a lot of guilt, self-attack, and self-loathing without knowing it.
For example, many of the sisters' emotions may come from their cowardly anger and contempt for themselves for being "clearly injured, but still unable to leave."
But in fact, dear sister, you can make any choice you want. Don’t laugh at yourself for being cowardly and spineless, and don’t fall into self-judgment and besiege yourself.
You must first accept any instinctive emotions and feelings so that they will not hurt you.
Before being cheated on, each of us would take it for granted that we would get divorced if we were cheated on. But you only know how painful it is when the needle pricks you.
After being married for more than ten or twenty years, when we really came to the point of separation, it was really the pain of cramps, bone pulling, tearing, and trauma.
How we long for a giraffe who understands love, can catch us steadily, understand us, and support us.
At this time, what I want to invite sisters to see is that no matter what happens to , please remember: you never gain or lose anything, everything is always there, no matter how it looks on the surface.
The world may seem complicated, but in essence it is still your world alone. Only if you do your best, everything will be fine. All external things will cooperate with you, and you don't need to chase them.
So, how do you apply nonviolent communication to divorce negotiations?
Let’s first look at an example of divorce negotiation.
Xiaomei suffered betrayal and decided to divorce after much consideration. The couple has two sons during their marriage, the elder is 11 years old and the younger is 4 years old. After Xiaomei had her second child, she discovered that the scumbag had been chatting with many people on WeChat. Not only was she emotionally cheating on , but she also found out that he had been cheating on her physically and mentally by checking into a house more than ten times.
In fact, when she first discovered that she had been cheated on, the woman had thoughts of divorce. At that time, I was stunned by the sudden betrayal. I was completely trapped in emotions and couldn't make any rational decision at all.
In addition, the scumbag is pitifully begging to come back, the two children are too young, and he has not accumulated enough power to divorce. I had no choice but to persuade myself to turn a blind eye and concentrate on cultivating the three major independences: economic, mental and emotional.
But once the trust in this relationship is destroyed by cheating, it is like the body's immune system being defeated.
Any disturbance from the outside world may cause severe trauma to the relationship. Moreover, people are actually not that rational. They first have beliefs and then verify their beliefs in life.
is like, if you no longer trust the other party, you already have the belief that "cheating and domestic violence can only happen 0 times or countless times", then the rest is constant verification.
Having accumulated enough disappointment and the power to divorce, and with the catalyst of being found positive for mycoplasma during a physical examination, Xiaomei made up her mind to bid farewell to this broken marriage.
At the stage of divorce negotiations, Xiaomei deeply realized that divorce is really like pulling out a muscle and pulling out bones. And without anesthesia, she watched helplessly as the person who used to be so affectionate and affectionate on her pillow stabbed us indifferently. Cutting out the flesh with one knife, dripping with blood.
also deeply realizes the art and charm of language in negotiation.
Then let’s take a look at how non-violent communication can remove the cloak of violence from the past life-and-death divorce negotiations, allowing love to flow naturally.
Divorce is a huge project. As far as Xiaomei is concerned, when her marriage breaks down and she can no longer live with the other person, she has thought about choosing to cut the knot quickly and divorce as soon as possible.
But she is afraid that she will not consider the consequences and the price she will pay, and she will regret it later;
But now she is burdened with heavy pressure, suffering under the shackles of marriage, and dare not take the first step Stepping down also caused her great pain.
And fear comes from the unknown, so today we will work with the sisters to sort out the unknown fear brought about by divorce.
First of all, one thing we need to understand is: negotiation is essentially a psychological war. Whoever's mentality breaks first will lose.
Whoever has a good mentality can come up with good strategies. Good strategies can help sisters get twice the result with half the effort, get out of the quagmire as soon as possible and integrate into their new life.
For example, Xiaomei has two sons, both of whom are her favorites. When she came for consultation, she made it very clear that she must get custody of her two children.
I don’t know if you have heard of this saying: In divorce negotiations, whoever reveals his needs first will suffer.
Xiaomei is anxious to get a divorce and must get custody of her two children. Then, the other party may seize on Xiaomei's eagerness for divorce, deliberately refuse to agree to the divorce, and delay her for a year and a half in exchange for property concessions, or so that he can have enough time to "fight".
So what kind of mentality should be created during divorce negotiations?
We need to set three goal ranges for ourselves - the best goal, the middle range and the lowest bottom line. At the same time, we should maintain a normal mind, do everything we can and accept fate, and have the open-mindedness of "I am lucky if I get it, but I am destined if I don't get it". How does
operate specifically? As the saying goes, "If you have food in your hands, you won't panic in your heart."
We need to be fully prepared to collect evidence before negotiating. Use the "bluffing" method in negotiations to prevent the other party from knowing how much evidence we have and win without a fight. Finally and most importantly, we must make good use of non-violent communication to prolong or even strengthen the other party's guilt as much as possible.
Before we learn non-violent communication, it is easy for us to become "jackals" in negotiations, forgetting the original intention, constantly venting our emotions, and saying harshly, "You have been married for so long, how many days have you taken care of your children? Do you know which class your children are in?" What's the name of their class teacher? Do you know what they like and dislike? "How dare you compete with me for the child?"
"Put down your phone. Why do you always avoid the question?" You must give me an answer today. "
" These are all your cheating records. Open your eyes and take a good look! Are you still a human being? "
" You are an low-level animal that thinks with your lower body . You united with your bedbug mistress and razed the home we worked hard to build to the ground. Your children became orphans. You are a murderer with a thousand cuts. "What qualifications do you have to compete with us for our children and property?"
What can we gain by venting our emotions, settling old scores, and insulting each other's personality? In addition to making yourself more distressed, the only gain may be the other person's quickly fading guilt.
If we feed the giraffe in our hearts, maybe we will take full responsibility for our emotions and be the masters of our own lives, instead of thinking that he is the culprit of our pain.
At the same time, do not be too greedy, make good use of your own advantages, analyze the time cost, clearly understand the benefits and disadvantages, persuade the other party to accept the negotiation plan, and achieve the divorce goal.
Secondly, create "us" instead of "opposition and hostility".
In " Advantage Negotiation " written by Roger Dawson, the core of advantage negotiation is discussed as follows: Advantage Negotiation not only teaches you how to win at the negotiation table, but also tells you how to let go after the negotiation is over. The opponent feels that he has won the negotiation—and this feeling is not temporary.
After a divorce, a man will also be afraid of the unknown, worried that his children will blame him in the future, and worried about the pressure of public opinion.
At this time, why not make good use of his worries? Sisters who are so smart and beautiful deserve a more beautiful turn, don't they?
I suggest that Meizi make the following four negotiation preparations before divorce negotiations:
1. The best result and the worst result, the best is to get the custody of the two children, and the children’s names are written on both houses; The bad outcome is nothing more than 55 points for property and one for each child.
Sister Si has repeatedly emphasized that in negotiations, when we are prepared to accept the worst outcome, we will have the opportunity to strive for the best solution. This is the heart of negotiation.
2. Sort out all the events that may affect this negotiation. Maybe his in-laws would come forward to make peace, or maybe he and San'er had a falling out and turned back in despair and begged us to take him in.
There may also be other uncontrollable factors. We all need to plan strategies ahead of time.
3. Sort out the other person’s inner emotions and accusations.
For example, the other party may say, "It was your strength that made me cheat."It's you who insists on getting a divorce. I want to return. It's you who don't give me a chance. If my children want to blame me in the future, they will also blame you." "You basically asked me to leave the house. I have been working for you for more than ten years, and I am worried that I will be homeless in the future." "
4. The most important thing is to put away useless emotions and create "us" instead of "antagonism and hostility".
We humans are social animals, and we will be happy to support those who are in the same camp as us. When he thinks that his original wife He and the child are still "his own", so he is willing to sacrifice his own interests to fulfill his original wife.
turns into Miss Giraffe. Maybe we can say this: "Divorce is not the end. We will still be the most compatible partners in raising children in the future. If you If you can change it, my child and I will still wait for you. ”
Finally, and most importantly, if we want to get a good divorce negotiation result, we need to resolve our emotions first and then resolve things.
We all know that compared to litigation, litigation consumes a lot of energy and financial resources, as well as the quarrels between both parties in the process. In terms of irreversible harm to the children, divorce by agreement should be the most time-saving and labor-saving method of divorce.
Divorce by agreement cannot avoid negotiation.
But during the negotiation process, the main content involved is the house, children, and property. , it is easy to get off topic. The question that many parties, especially women who have been cheated on, care about most during negotiations is "Why don't you love me anymore?" How is she better than me? "Am I that bad?" You would rather let the home we worked so hard to build be destroyed, and let the children endure trauma beyond their years, than leave me. "You are obsessed with staying with Sanshuang, but I want to lick my wounds alone. I am not willing to accept it. I will not divorce you from this marriage. I will drag you to death." "
Why are there so many unwillingnesses? From the perspective of non-violent communication, behind the emotions are unmet needs.
And most of the sisters who suffered betrayal, such as Xiaomei, have not accepted the system's During nonviolent communication training, people often turn into "Mr. Jackal" and use criticism, accusation, insult, classification, comparison, etc. to express their needs.
Unfortunately, making claims in this way is likely to attract criticism. His hostility to us makes it harder for our desires to be met. Even if they accept criticism and make concessions, they usually do so unwillingly.
If they cater to us out of fear or guilt, sooner or later we will find out. The other party will not persist for long before getting worse.
For example, after Xiaomei is betrayed, she hopes that the other party will completely surrender in terms of attitude, behavior, and resource control, and change her past.
But this is actually an anti-human request. Xiaomei’s husband. In order to ask for forgiveness, we can indeed cooperate with the performance for a long time, but in the long run, the guilt has been exhausted.
We have to clearly understand that since the other party can do things to hurt us, it means that. He doesn't care about our true feelings at all. In other words, he only cares about whether we are happy or not.
Of course, they actually paid a price for succumbing to external or internal pressure, which may make them resentful. , and hate ourselves.
So, how do we feed the giraffe in our hearts and express it with non-violent communication?
Maybe we can try to imagine that we have become Miss Giraffe, and our vision is longer, our heart is stronger, and we are more capable. We can see each other's true needs through each other's cheating behavior.
At this time, perhaps we can express it this way: "We are united by love and enter into marriage together with the longing for a better future. The purpose of our marriage is all. I want to make myself and my children happier instead of spending the rest of my life tormenting each other.
You left early without saying hello, which really triggered a tsunami in my world and destroyed all my good expectations for marriage.
Yes, I am in great pain. Your cheating made me feel worthless and unattractive. For a long time, I was stuck in the abyss of not being good enough, not being loved, and being abandoned. I shed tears and never saw the light of day. .
After calming down for such a long time, I also understand that your original intention of choosing to cheat was definitely not to destroy my child's future. You just want to choose a different life to satisfy your shortcomings in marriage.
Although I still can't forgive you, I choose to respect all your choices. Thank you for loving me and this family deeply in the past. I will keep these good things deep in my heart.
I choose to let you go free. I hope you can also say goodbye well and draw a relatively satisfactory end to our sincere and pure relationship in the past. In the future, we will still be the best parents for our children. ”
In fact, we all have a jackal in our heart.
And every jackal is actually a giraffe who does not know how to express himself and is struggling in pain.
In the same way, we all have a beautiful and elegant giraffe in our heart. Giraffe, when we decide to feed the giraffe in our heart well, then one day, the giraffe in our heart can freely and warmly embrace the jackal in our heart that wraps up the fear, helplessness and fear in our heart
. Everything depends on whether you want to feed jackals or giraffes.
True record: I encountered a worse operation than cheating, which exposed the ugliest side of men.
When a man cheats on her, there are 4 pitfalls that a sober first wife cannot step into
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