Understand the "psychological drama" between you and your mother and see through the crux of the relationship dilemma

"Savior-Victim-Perpetrator"

Kapman's triangle pattern

can help you see the core issues of the relationship. After

talked about the influence of fathers on children last month, some senior brothers and sisters said that mothers are also very important and asked to talk about their influences. Indeed, the energy of life comes to us through our mothers. Behind our mothers are our ancestors for generations. Behind them is the source of life, the light of life. Every mother wants to give the best love to her child, but why does the child not feel happiness and love, but experience all kinds of pain from time to time?

In the field of Western psychology, it is now very popular to use the "savior-victim-offender" Kapman triangle pattern to help see the core issues of the relationship. Once someone chooses one of the roles in the

model, the people around TA will unconsciously choose the other two roles to maintain the balance of the triangle. The existence of energy always pushes us to exist in a major role, which is also the major social role we grow up. The core of your social role is the interaction between you and your mother.

Now let’s take a look at four typical mothers:

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Strongly controlled mothers

Strongly controlled mothers are not equal to the strong women who are now referred to by the society in their careers and work as "iron ladies "When I get home, I become a "little lady", but the marriage is happy. This refers to the kind of mother who uses her own will to control the family and children, and also includes those gentle strong cares or sweet talk strong control. Many mothers have dissatisfaction and disdain for their husbands in their lives, and their husbands lack sufficient strength to contend with and choose submissive and cowardly ones. Mothers can easily become the authority of the family and become powerful and control everything in the family.

uses a triangular model to interpret. A mother who is strongly controlled is usually interpreted as the role of an "injurer". Neither the child nor the husband can contend with it and become a "victim". Usually such a family model requires an external "save" By". When children grow up, they will like to find "saviors" to help themselves.

When a mother always accuses and criticizes her husband, she is actually accusing and criticizing all men. The daughter will implicitly identify with the mother's attitude towards men, and the son will identify with the father's model and accept the mother's treatment. Strong control mothers usually have a strong possessiveness, self-centered control, and low self-worth because of their lack of security in their growth experience. When she can't get the sense of security and value from her husband, she will put all her feelings on her children. Children who grow up in this situation are usually insecure, stressed, have unconditional obedience and dependence on their mothers, and have high demands on themselves and others, but they often resist negatively or judge accusations in their hearts, and it is difficult to truly express My own feelings.

Heilinger pointed out that for a child who grew up under a mother’s virginity, a girl can easily become extremely controlled like a mother, while a boy can easily become a flirt master or a playboy but cannot enter a marriage unless he starts to give up and Mother's most primitive and intimate attachment relationship.

suggestion:

, as a strong controlling mother, needs to start to face her own problems, learn to respect the feelings of her husband and children, learn to perceive her own emotions, and learn self-emotion management and release. This is the focus of building a happy family.

As children who strongly control their mothers, when our bodies grow up, our minds are still stuck in the injured child period. We need to do some emotional processing of the inner child, to imagine the scene of being with our mother, and to follow Mom said: "Mom, I'm just your son (daughter), and I want to live my own life. If the life and things I want to live are different from what you think, I hope you can respect my choice." And bow to mom. In this situation, only by disconnecting the energy connection with our mother can we be free to bloom our life energy.

Two

Worried anxious mothers

Worried anxious mothers usually live in the future, or live in the perfect state of giving their children the best love. This is also the most common situation in society now. When a mother is always worried that the child will get sick, that the child will be injured, worried that the child will fail, and worry that if the child is not doing well, it will be bad or bad. At this time, the mother projected a big idea on the child "Don't get sick", "Don't fail", "Don't...", when the mother keeps worrying about certain things happening, the child will unconsciously go to experience those feelings, because that is the place where the parents unconsciously guide the child to experience .

Mothers who are overly worried and anxious will not even see the child’s feelings, and are entangled in feelings of worry and anxiety. All the focus is on the goal. They want to remove those obstacles for the child, and the child wants to pursue the feelings of the parent Connected, it is easy for the child to desperately create the result that the mother is worried about. Only at that point can the child's emotions be taken care of by the mother, and the child can feel the love of the mother. This is why the more you worry, the easier it is to make the things you worry about true.

So, worry is the poison of love. Mothers need to be "saviors," and children must become "victims" to meet their mothers' needs, and unconsciously choose to be loyal to their mothers' needs in order to get their mothers' love. At this time, the outside society or others can easily become "harmers" to satisfy the establishment of this triangle model.

suggests that

mothers who are worried about anxiety should be more aware of their own emotions, learn to relax and calm themselves before facing their children, and better learn to accept the imperfect self in reality, and then relax and be positive. Pursue a better life, so that the mother’s happiness will infect the child, and the child will learn to face the world he experiences with a more relaxed and optimistic attitude.

For children raised by worried anxious mothers, they need to keep telling themselves "I am the master of my own life, and I can choose." When he constantly experiences the unconscious belief that he was worried about when he was a child, Learn to be aware of the mode of creating reality that you don’t want, accept and acknowledge this part of yourself, and then build new beliefs for yourself, and constantly try the experience and feelings brought by the new beliefs, to continuously strengthen the new The establishment of the neural circuit, and let the old model slowly weaken, until it is replaced by the new belief model.

Three

complains about the victimized mother

complains that the victimized mother usually lives in the past, and the painful experience once entangled her and made her unable to leave that feeling.

As a mother who complains about being victimized, it is difficult for her to be satisfied with her husband. Even the husband of the rescuer begins to face reality after entering the marriage relationship, becoming alienated and escaping. At this time, the mother is easy to rely on the object Betting on the child.

And the child's unconscious love and loyalty to the parents will make the child want to replace the mother to bear the pain, and want to save the mother from the pain, so that the mother can become happy and love herself. The mother who complains about the victim is easy to cultivate to save her mother and save the world's own responsibility "savior" children. The children are willing to help those suffering, and feel empathy, and are willing to sacrifice themselves without any conditions or even sacrifice themselves to help them, and the "savior" Children tend to become bigger than their parents in energy, become small adults who take care of their parents, and become parents of their parents.

From the external behavior, such children are very considerate of their parents, making parents happy is their greatest wish. They will do everything possible to help their parents live a better and happier life. Parents are more important than themselves, but spiritually, they cannot surrender to their parents. They cannot be the real children of their parents and connect to the energy source of life. Many times they will feel powerless, lack of support on the back of their feet, feel that everything and challenges can only rely on themselves, cannot rely on others, cannot admit that they are not good, and are afraid of facing their own vulnerability.

suggests that

, as a mother who complains about being victimized, is the first step to be aware of. It is important to be clear and aware of your dependence on the rescuer, especially the dependence on the child. To be aware of and stop asking for the child is to let your child go. Independent focus.

For a child who has become a "savior", what we really need to do is surrender to her mother. We can't save her mother, we can only respect her destiny. Some emotional experience exercises will let us clarify with your mother in your heart in a meditation state: "Mom, I am your child, not your parent. I am too young. I want to help you but I can’t. I respect you. The burden I bear at this moment is yours, not mine. I am sorry that I interfered with you. If I choose a life different from yours, please respect my choice and bless me.” Or you can imagine mother Do some kowtow rituals and say from the heart: "MomMom, I’m sorry, please forgive me.” These rituals can largely help us connect to the energy of the source of life, and have a good role in channeling and transforming the inner child’s stuck emotions. Absent-type mothers tend to escape their children’s need for love through busy life and career. Mothers like

usually have a great lack of love in their hearts, and feel that they are unable to take care of and care for their children, and at the same time A great sense of guilt will drive her to do many things to make up for the inadequate care of the child. For example, when she is physically and mentally exhausted, she will also want to be a competent mother.

and often when the child proposes anything When asked, she is easy to fall into a weak choice. In her heart, she wants to do something she wants to do, but it is difficult for her to make a choice because of the child.

When she chooses her own thing, she doesn’t take care of it. When the child arrives, her inner guilt will be strengthened; even if she stays with the child, her mind will not be able to be on the child, which is the so-called "people are not in the heart." At this time, the child's inner feeling is "I am Mom’s burden”, “Mom can’t accompany me”, “I’m not important, I am worthy of my mother’s love. "Gradually, the child feels deeply traumatized by abandonment, feels that he is not worthy of being loved, becomes lonely, and closes the inner world.

This is because the mother chose the role of "victim" and escaped, so she will Pushing the child to the position of the “harmmaker”, the child has a lot of demands on the mother, the mother feels powerless, exhausted, but unable to satisfy the child, deeply guilty. At the same time, if the child is not loved by the mother, he will become proactive and follow-up. Connect with the outside world and look for attention and love.

suggests that

, as a busy and absent mother, is the first step in learning to care for yourself. Seeing your own victim state. Continue to force yourself to care for your children when you are powerless. In a state of self-exhaustion, you cannot be a good mother. Only by letting go of the feeling of guilt towards the child can we return the energy to our body. Only when our life is supported can we love others and respect your child Having his own destiny is the greatest love for a child.

As a child of a busy and absent mother, when he grows up, he usually wants to get love from his partner, but often chooses to escape from a partner who cannot love you like a mother. There are a lot of sadness in the heart of the children that need to be released, and they need to continue to build the belief that "I am worthy of being loved". When we grow up, we begin to be the parents of our inner child, to accompany the lonely and abandoned child. The warmth and power of love allows him to relearn love and connection, and enter a better intimacy and interpersonal relationship. The above four typical mothers of

may not exactly match everyone's situation, but I believe you can be in two of them. Find your own mother, or your own shadow.

Regarding the triangle pattern of "savior-injury-victim", the change we can make is "awareness." Every now and then, we are aware of our role in the model. , When we choose to stop continuing to play that role, the other two roles corresponding to that mode will lose their energy involvement and change. This is also what we usually say that we don’t need to change others, we just need to change ourselves, we change ourselves. Your relationship with the outside world will change.

No matter what kind of mother she has suffered, you may not be able to realize and imagine the suffering she has endured. Your mother may not have received her mother’s love. She may There is no opportunity to learn and grow like you, so you have no right to criticize, accuse, resent, and hate her. All confrontations will make you lose connection with the energy of the source of life, and you will not be able to get the support of life to live out yourself. A better state of life. Z1z

mother gave you life, without a mother, there would be no existence of you, and everything about you, so the giving of this life is already worthy of gratitude, no matter what kind of mother you have, what you have All you need to do is to surrender to her and be grateful to her for giving you life. The part she did not give you, now you can learn to give to yourself, and you can become your own parents to love yourself. z 1z

Indeed, "victim-persecutor-savior" is the three most common forms of the personal operating mechanism. Through the Kapman triangle, we can clearly perceive our egoHow to take us away when we are unconscious.

American psychologist Kapman found that everyone often performs a three-character triangle drama in their hearts:

[Persecutor] belittles others and treats others as inferior and bad.

[The savior] also regards others as inferior and bad, but his way is to provide help from a higher position. He believes "I must help others because they are not good enough to help myself.

[ Victims think that they are inferior and bad. Sometimes victims will seek persecutors to demean themselves, or seek help from rescuers, and affirm that "I can't solve it by myself." "Z1z

And this kind of triangle drama has the following three characteristics:

When the persecutors attack and accuse excessively, the victim accepts the attack and condemnation too much, and the helper is too enthusiastic to help rescue the victim, psychological drama begins. These actions It becomes the content of the drama.

In many cases, psychological drama progresses as the roles of the three people change. If one of the parties involved in the

drama no longer plays a role and is separated from the role, this Drama can be stopped by itself

Five

Perception and choice: termination of the "Kapman Triangle" drama

For everyone, the shadow and power of these three roles can be found in the intimate relationship between husband and wife, parent-child relationship, and parental relationship. , We have analyzed such a long-term role. In fact, even in a single event, such a role-playing scene also exists.

For example, let’s take a look at a scene where you receive a call from your husband after work and say you want to be with A few friends are eating and don’t go home anymore. You think of a few shopping cards that are about to expire, so you say go to the mall to buy something, and you don’t want to go.

After nine o’clock in the evening, you walked out of the mall with a bunch of heavy things. , I called my husband and wanted to ask him if he could come to pick you up. Listening to the voice on the phone, I was drinking well there, and obviously I could not answer you. At this time, it was raining and it was difficult to get to the car and stop. In the drizzle, you were really angry. For a while, I was angry at why he couldn't come to pick you up after drinking, and then I was angry at why he refused to drive by himself for so many years. In such a bad mood, I tortured myself. Many hours until you get in a taxi. The

taxi drove forward and the carriage was very quiet. You suddenly realized that similar things seemed to happen several times. For example, you know that this time is around the mall. I can’t get a taxi, but I went to this mall at this time. I’ve been tossing for several times. I know that my husband will drink at night and can’t pick me up, but I still call him with a fantasy. This situation has been several times. .You know that you are asking for trouble, do you know that you should still do it, don’t you ask for it?

In this matter, when you are carrying a bunch of things hard, standing in the rain, longing for Mr. as usual Come to pick you up, then your husband will be regarded as the "savior" in your fantasy. And when he can't come because of his own affairs, he is disappointed first, then angry, and instantly you become a victim; and he is stuck In the Pullman’s triangle drama, you suddenly become the [persecutor] who made you so frustrated and angry. Z1z

imagines that, if you return home and continue to blame your husband, you will become a [persecutor]; if he Very innocent and very guilty, you may feel too much to comfort him, and you become a [savior], and when he is a [victim] affected by my emotional out-of-control.

people’s ego tends to be Switch between these three roles continuously, and when you play one of these roles, people around you will unconsciously play the corresponding role in order to maintain the balance of this triangle. The change we can make is "awareness." Whenever we perceive the role of the ego in the triangle mode, when we choose to stop continuing to do that role, the other two roles corresponding to that mode will also lose energy involvement and change. This is what we usually say that we don't need to change others, we only need to change ourselves. If we change ourselves, our relationship with the outside world will change.

calm down and think about it, in fact, this is just a small matter in life, it is not worth being so angry at all. That's because at that time you were already deeply immersed in this [victim-savior-persecutor] triangle drama without being free, unable to detect and extricate yourself. In this tourIn the play, you are both a victim, a persecutor, and a savior. In this game, there is actually no one else, only myself. There are no victims, persecutors and saviors, only your own psychological drama is staged in the rain.

If you have been aware of the constant change between this game and your role, your mood will naturally return to calm, and you will get out of this scene and not continue. The triangle game of

, each of us, every day, is played in our hearts, but no one can detect that we can hold multiple jobs at the same time-unpredictable, never tired, staged scenes of tragic comedies in life.

In life, everyone unconsciously feels one or two roles in this triangle game, and some people are stuck in it and cannot extricate themselves, such as victims in various unfortunate marriages, such as rescuers. Various types of helpers of the complex, such as oppressors who frequently accuse and complain and demand others. Only when we understand that the three characters in this triangle game are actually ourselves, can we get out of this game, reduce the pain and conflict in life, and become our true self.

Each of us has this game triangle in our hearts. The purpose of performing this drama is very simple, in order to satisfy the ego's desire to be loved, needed, recognized, and accepted. When this play develops into a habit, a painful compulsive repetition, it will form an uncontrollable sadomasochistic-self-masochistic model, leading to psychological or personality disorders.

Another example is that on the path of pursuing spiritual growth, many people often have a tendency of "law enforcement", that is, they feel that they are superior to others and that their own path is the only correct one. I hope everyone can adopt it. At this time, you are playing the role of [Savior]. However, in the "Diamond Sutra" the Buddha has emphasized that there should be no four phases, that is, there should be no self, no one, no sentient beings, and no life. In fact, for practitioners or ordinary people, the meaning of no four aspects is the same. Be aware of your inner ego and don’t act as the [savior]: Don’t think that you are superior (without self); don’t think that the other person needs to be saved ( Don’t think that beings are low (no form), don’t think that saving others will give you something (lifeless form).

Life is like a drama, but this drama is played in the inner world we don't know. As an ordinary person, he is often not freely involved in the drama, or is involved in the sad drama of others by various relationships. We must be able to understand the various unconscious dramas performed in our hearts and have the ability to come out of our own or other people's dramas, otherwise, we will become a hotbed of various psychological barriers and negative emotions. Soul Awakening Journey