Original illustration: Miaomiaoxia, narrated by: Sun Shihan, female
01
30 years old, I had a gentle and sensible label on me.
This is thanks to my mother's personal training.
Since I was born, my mother has been taking me full-time.
Her education for me is not to have good grades and outstanding talents, but to "being a person must have high emotional intelligence."
My mother understands that high emotional intelligence means that people have to be sweet when they see people. Even if you just fall down, you should not cry when you meet an acquaintance;
When eating, the elders don’t eat, so you must not turn on your chopsticks first;
When I was in school, I would voluntarily contribute;
Which student cut his hand, I will send a band-aid at any time...
In short, any action I think about others will receive great encouragement and praise from my mother.
02
lived up to my mother's expectations, and I finally grew up to be a well-known girl.
Whether it is a big family dinner or a father entertaining customers at home, I am the kind of person who helps others turn the tables throughout the process and immediately pours them on when they see that other people's drinks are empty.
In the words of an adult, "Now, there are not many girls with such long eyes and kindness and sincerity."
I am very satisfied with my parents.
Although he graduated from a prestigious university and his work is ordinary, everyone firmly believes: "Whoever marrys Shihan in the future will be the first to win."
, and Chang Xiao is the person who wins the first to win.
We are college classmates.
When you are in love, you often laugh and become the object of envy, jealousy and hatred by all boys.
Because he has an extremely considerate and gentle girlfriend.
I will sit outside the court and watch and cheer when he plays basketball.
When he was about to fall asleep, he helped him wipe his sweat in time and handed over the unscrewed mineral water.
When I eat together, I always order what he likes to eat.
Because I don’t seem to have any special preferences, I think what he likes to eat is good.
The two went out together, and he decided the time and place. As for me, I always looked like I took a treasure chest out. In addition to various snacks, there were also anti-mosquito liquid , band-aids, umbrellas, nail clippers, , etc.
03
I had a smooth relationship with Chang Xiao. In the second year of graduation, I got married successfully.
In-laws praise me whenever I meet, how sensible and considerate I am? They don’t marry a daughter-in-law, but have a little cotton-padded jacket.
Yes, I am very good to my parents-in-law, even better than my parents.
Because my mother has always said: It is natural to be good to her parents, but being good to her parents-in-law will double the blessings. This blessing will be rewarded to the next generation.
Let me say this, at my in-laws' house, I do what I do. Remember all my parents-in-law's preferences, Mother's Day Father's Day , their birthdays, including Mid-Autumn Festival Dragon Boat Festival, etc., I will carefully arrange them to fill the ritual feeling.
At that time, all my sense of accomplishment was based on satisfying others.
04
In July 2019, I gave birth to my daughter Qianqian.
My mother had just had an operation at that time, so her mother-in-law always came to our house to help.
From childhood to adulthood, I have been used to taking care of others. For me, it is really not used to being taken care of by others suddenly.
So, I will secretly wash my blood-dyeed panties when my whole family is asleep.
Although I occasionally get hungry at night, I feel embarrassed to ask for help from Chang Xiao or my mother-in-law to make some porridge for me.
What made me most disappointed was that after giving birth, I had symptoms of urine leakage due to pelvic floor muscles.
For this reason, I have cried secretly many times, feeling both ashamed and helpless.
I silently searched for relevant information online and tried to recover by myself.
During that time, I always laughed at the company for a very busy time. I naturally thought that I was at home during confinement and should not cause trouble for him.
So, while I was suffering from various changes in my postpartum body, I was forced to take care of my home as I used to.
05
Once upon a time, I was a virtuous wife, but now, my mother-in-law is here, and I want to be a virtuous daughter-in-law.
What’s important is that I became a mother myself and I feel that I should be an all-round mother for granted.
Because I have always been anxious inside, after my daughter was born, I couldn’t get my milk, and it was useless to hire a lactation engineer.
So, my mother-in-law said that she didn’t have to breastfeed at night anyway, so she let Qianqian sleep with her.
But I think my mother-in-law is almost 60 years old after all, so I'd better work hard on myself.
Qianqian was upside down in the morning and evening and refused to sleep for a long time at night. So, I took the initiative to propose to sleep separately with Chang Xiao, and then I stayed with Qianqian every night.
Others are chubby and fat during confinement. When I was in confinement, I was thinner than before I became pregnant, and I also suffered from lumbar pain.
Relatives, friends and family members asked me if I were too tired? I was obviously very tired, but I said, "I'm losing weight."
Yes, people like me will regard being sensible as medals and take the initiative to take responsibility for everything and wipe this medal even brighter.
Especially after having a daughter, I tried to make myself more omnipotent, believing that women should be "good for their mothers".
Qianqian's food, clothing, housing and transportation, what to learn, finding playmates for her, etc., I took the initiative to take on these things.
Maternity leave ended, and I went to work. In order not to give my colleagues and leaders the impression that women are lazy when they have children, I was deliberately serious at work, and I have worked overtime more than once while having a fever.
The family is well organized and the business is well-managed. I am satisfied with such a person.
and the same is true for me.
Chang Xiao often shows off in front of his brothers: "There is no other woman as good as my wife in the world. She is a perfect woman in the hall, kitchen or workplace."
Listening to such a big praise, he suddenly felt that hard work was nothing.
06
However, people are hard-working, but their bodies are sometimes very honest.
I remember it started in the summer of 2021, and I have inexplicable abdominal pain every morning.
I didn't care about it at the time because it didn't hurt in less than half a minute.
Until one night, I woke up when I was sleeping. It was the kind of pain that my abdomen was about to explode when I breathed.
Even so, I thought at that time that I should not wake up my daughter who was sleeping beside me and the one who was next door.
I tried to take a deep breath, and the pain disappeared after half an hour. I still didn't care about it. I felt that it might be because of the bad appetite and my stomach and intestines were temporarily discomfort.
At that time, did you have a serious illness? But the reaction in the next moment was what if you were sick, what should your daughter do? Can this home be transferred?
So, I keep suggesting that I am just random thoughts.
As the pain disappeared, I immediately cheered myself up: Look, isn’t it just to scare myself?
But on December 24, 2021, I remembered it too clearly. I went to buy Christmas gifts for Qianqian during my lunch break. As a result, I felt a strong abdominal pain, and then I fainted in the mall gorgeously.
When I woke up, I was already in the hospital.
The diagnosis given by the doctor is gallstone , which is as big as 10*12. The doctor asked me why I carried such a huge rock without realizing it. Has it been painful?
has been hurt, and even the pain is unbearable, but I have endured it.
Later, parents and in-laws and Chang Xiao arrived.
In their various concerns about their well-being, I comforted them: "Isn't it just a gallstone? It's okay, it's minimally invasive, just take it out."
Then, on the eve of the operation, I wrote down two pages of precautions for home life, and the specific soy sauce was gone immediately, and all the brands to buy were noted.
07
I was the first to have surgery on the morning of Christmas.
Before anesthesia, I persuaded my parents and in-laws to leave: "Just let Chang Xiao stay, do not mobilize the enemy for minor surgery."
Then, I was pushed into the operating room.
Because the anesthetic was given lightly, I woke up as soon as the operation was over. The pain, I still feel scared when I think about it.
Really, life is worse than death.
But I still held back my tears, thinking that I couldn't let the doctor and nurse look at me and cry, as if the surgery was not successful.
pair, this is me, it hurts like that, and still cares about other people's feelings.
The most heartbreaking thing was when the nurse pushed me out of the operating room, Chang Xiao actually drove it outside to play video games, and he didn't see me being pushed out at all.
When the nurse shouted "Is Sun Shihan's family here?", he did not put down his phone immediately, but clicked twice before coming over: "Here, I am."
At that moment, my tears finally broke, and a kind of grievance came over.
I suddenly felt that a mountain pressing on my head seemed to Chang Xiao, just a grain of dust.
My long-term show of strength and sensibility is actually his indifferentness.
includes parents-in-law and parents.
At that moment, I was thinking, if I were a pretentious woman who knew how to show weakness, I guess they would definitely be guarding the door of the operating room at this moment.
or think about it differently. If I entered the operating room, I would stay here without any step. Even if I can’t help anything, at least stay with them mentally and let them know how much I care about them.
08
That day, I cried for a long time.
often laughed from the beginning to the beginning of comfort, and later became impatient: "The doctor said that the operation was very successful. If you feel very painful, you can also use the pain relief pump . Don't just cry, you can say it when you feel uncomfortable."
But I can't say anything, I just want to cry.
Then, my mother-in-law called and asked what classes Qianqian had the next day, what time and where to go?
Chang Xiao handed me the phone. The first time I didn’t answer sensibly, I hung up the phone and said to Chang Xiao, “The two pages of my list are written clearly. If you can see it clearly, please read it. If you don’t understand, don’t ask me. I’m tired, I want to rest.”
Chang Xiao thought I was sick at that time, so I became so impatient.
09
That night, after the operation, I was completely insomnia due to pain, and I was in a very poor mood.
However, while accompanying the bed, he often sleeps with laughter.
That night, I followed the past and felt sad.
I began to realize that from childhood to adulthood, I have been labeled as sensible, living for others, and never or dared not express my demands.
Just like at this moment, my mouth was almost cracked, but I couldn't bear to wake up Chang Xiao.
A person who dares not love himself and doesn’t care about his own feelings. How can others care about him and love him?
So, the more I thought about it, the more aggrieved I felt, and I couldn't stop my tears.
The next day, Chang Xiao asked me, "What's wrong with your eyes? Why are you swollen like this?"
I looked at him and said bluntly, "You slept all night and I cried all night. I feel very wronged."
Chang Xiao was confused and said, "Oh, it's just a gallstone surgery, and I was discharged from the hospital soon. Look at this hospital, there are more people who are seriously ill than you, what's wronged?"
I didn't want to speak immediately.
10
And the doctor's words quickly ignited my grievance to the peak.
Doctor told us that during the whole body examination after admission, I was also diagnosed with uterine fibroids.
But he did not recommend that I stay in the hospital once and have two surgeries, for fear that my body would not be able to bear it.
just told me: "At present, the fibroids are not big yet. You can go to the gynecology department regularly to check whether they are still growing. Don't have psychological burden. This kind of fibroid is most afraid of depression. You must stay optimistic. As long as it doesn't grow fast, you can treat it conservatively."
After thanking the doctor, I felt mixed feelings.
The body is indeed the most honest. Those depressed emotions and those demands that dare not express will eventually hurt themselves.
Perhaps, it reminds me in this way that it is time to love myself well.
11
In everyone's opinion, that admission changed my temperament greatly.
Indeed, I changed.
After I was discharged from the hospital, the first gift I gave myself was to take my annual leave.
Although the leader was in a position to take leave, he said that the company was busy recently.
My instinctive reaction is to take back my life, and I will say it in a big way.
But this time, I said half-expressed and half-stubbornly: "I have been in a bad health recently and need a rest."
The leader also expressed his understanding and finally gave it a false.
At that moment, I felt like I won the first time in my life.
It turns out that I can say "no".
12
That's it. I was alone, I didn't take my child and didn't take my husband to Guilin.
It was only after I arrived in Guilin that I told my family about going out alone.
Because I know myself too well, I can't tell them in person that I'm going to run away for a while. As long as they object a little, I will immediately compromise.
Guilin landscape, I wanted to come when I knew about it from elementary school texts, but I didn’t come until I was 31 years old.
A man wanders around freely, eating when he is hungry and sleeping when he is sleepy.
Qianqian called and said she missed her mother.
I told her, "Mom has something to do, she's very busy. If you have something to do, just look for dad."
Then, Chang Xiao took the phone and asked me when I would reply, and asked me what Qianqian would wear to kindergarten tomorrow, and did he dry clean his gray suit?
I told him, "You are the male host in the family, not a guest, you can handle these things yourself."
often smiled and asked me, "What's wrong with you?"
I told him frankly: "I have been sensible for too long, I live too pretending to be too tired. I want to be myself, I want to try to love myself first."
Fortunately, I am not an unreasonable person.
That day, we chatted on the phone for a long time.
I said all about my mother’s requirements when I was a child, my experience when I was born in Qianqian, and my often laughed when I was pushed out of the operating room.
I said that since I was a child, I was sealed by a "gentle and sensible" tag, but now, I want to tear it off with my own hands.
I don’t want to be perfect in everything anymore, don’t be fully covered, I want to be an emotional and aggressive me, I am ready to love myself well.
On the other end of the phone, I often smiled and said guiltily: "Wife, I really don't know that you live so wronged. It's because I'm careless and I'm selfish..."
13
Returning from Guilin, in the eyes of outsiders, I feel like I've changed someone.
work is not something within my scope of responsibility, and I will no longer do anything with unclear boundaries.
I directly refused the task that my colleague called asking for help but actually shirking responsibility.
Looking at my colleague who looked surprised, although I habitually felt that I was a little unkind, I tried to overcome this discomfort and let myself guard the boundaries. The same goes for
at home.
I no longer take on everything, but learned to show weakness and arrange for some things to do often.
There was a Sunday, and I wanted to go shopping with my best friend, so I asked Chang Xiao to take care of Qianqian for a day.
Results, halfway through the tour, my mother called and asked me where I was and what I was doing?
I said I was shopping with my best friend and having afternoon tea.
My mother was particularly surprised at the time: "On the big weekend, you don't accompany your husband and children, what afternoon tea do you actually drink?"
I asked my mother back: "Who stipulates that I must be a good wife and mother 24 hours a day? Why can't I go shopping and have afternoon tea?"
My mother came up with the previous theory again: "Because you get married and become a mother, you have to be responsible to your family and children."
This time, I did not obey, but calmly refuted: "I am married and become a mother, but I am myself first, and I need to have my own time and space."
This time, I did not obey, but retorted calmly: "I am married and become a mother, but I am myself first, and I need to have my own time and space. , First of all, take good care of yourself so that you can have the ability to take care of others. "
My mother said in great pain on the phone: "You went to Guilin without calling last time, and I didn't say you. What's wrong with you now? It's like a different person. From childhood to adulthood, you were so obedient. As a result, now you are a middle-aged rebellion."
I told my mother: "This is not a middle-aged rebellion, this is self-growth and awakening that I'm late for 30 years."
14
But, it's difficult for a person to change.
Whether at work or at home, many times, I will still habitually endure and take responsibility as before.
For example, during the Mid-Autumn Festival, my mother insisted on treating guests at home. I was particularly resistant because from buying vegetables to cooking to cleaning up, I was tired and troublesome after a day.
But parents think that hospitality at home seems warm and friendly.
I felt unwilling to do so, but I still obeyed. Then, I took on everything wrongly, making myself more tiring than going to work.
For example, I was very tired when I got home from work and didn’t want to accompany Qianqian downstairs to play.
So, let Chang Xiao take her down.
However, I felt that I would be unhappy when I did this, and whether Qianqian felt that my mother was not responsible. In the end, she dragged her tired body and mind downstairs...
Afterwards, I blamed myself again: Why can't I express my truest thoughts?
15
Just a few days ago, Qianqian went downstairs with her newly bought toy.
Another child also wanted to play, Qianqian herself didn't like it enough, but she looked at me, and with the hint of my eyes, she still reluctantly gave up and shared the toys with others.
Then, throughout the whole play time, she kept silently surrounding the child, hoping that the other party could treat her toys well, and hoped that the other party would return it to her after playing for a while.
At that moment, I felt so distressed.
I saw my own shadow in Qianqian.
It is obvious that your own thing has been taken away, but you must be sensible and show your generosity before others.
I am subtly passing my "sensible" to my daughter.
I don’t want to follow my mother’s educational method and cultivate her into a “ good girl” who thinks about others in everything and lives under other people’s values.
I hope my daughter can not be so sensible, have a good mood, and have bad emotions. I hope she can learn to love herself first and then love others.
I hope she is not cowardly and live a girl with strength, kindness and sharpness in her heart.
16
all understand these principles, but it is really difficult to change.
So, let me tell you my experience.
I really want to know how those girls who live a real and cool life are brave enough to be themselves.
I want to know more about how everyone educates their daughters. I need to learn too much about these two points of
.
I sincerely look forward to transforming myself as soon as possible.
