What would you do when you regret losing your temper with your child?
I once saw such a news.
A mother took care of two children alone. After sending Dabao to school, she had to coax Xiaobao to sleep. The child's crying made her feel emotionally broken and she couldn't help but lose her temper. After
, she regretted it very much, burst into tears, and even slapped herself several times in the face with blame.
Although I feel deeply sympathetic to this mother and especially understand her mood at the moment, what I want to say is that self-blame and guilt cannot solve the problem.
When you regret losing your temper with your child, these three ways will make things worse.
1. Too much blame
When we realize that we shouldn't lose our temper with our children, it is inevitable to regret and blame ourselves. Sometimes we want to slap ourselves twice, just like the mother in the above news.
Excessive self-blame will cause us to fall into the vortex of negative emotions.
"I'm not a good mother", "I'm such a failed parent", when you are surrounded by these thoughts, it will only make you unable to control your emotions and become more and more collapsed.
Your excitement not only cannot comfort the child, but may also scare the child.
2. Pleasing to children
I made this mistake once.
I regretted it after getting angry with my child because I didn’t control my emotions well.
Looking at my son's pitiful look after being scolded for crying, I coaxed him with heartache and said, "Stop crying, mom shouldn't lose her temper, I will take you to buy delicious food later."
As a result, next time my son and I had a conflict, I was about to ease the parent-child relationship, but my son actually said to me, "You promise to buy me Ultraman toys and I will forgive you."
Are there many parents like me, who always feel that they owe the child and want to compensate the child with various substances.
However, such "pleasing" children may not appreciate it. Over time, children will use it as a bargaining chip to exchange with their parents.
3. Coverage the error
Yesterday I went to my brother's house for dinner, but my sister-in-law got angry because her nephew was playing and didn't go home on time after school, and scolded the child so hard that she cried.
I stepped forward to persuade her, and my sister-in-law realized that she was out of control and regretted her. While comforting her nephew, she said, "I shouldn't scold you so loudly, but I'm also for your own good."
Are there many such parents around you, although I regret losing my temper with my children, I always want to use the excuse of "I'm for the good of my children" to cover up my mistakes.
If we can’t recognize our own problems, even if we regret it, we will still make the same mistake next time, and even fall into the vicious circle of “knowing that we shouldn’t be angry with our children, but we can’t help it.”
tame the emotions in the heart monster
Find out why you lose your temper tantrum
No matter how perfect a parent is, no one can guarantee that you will never lose your temper with your children.
It is not scary to lose your temper for children. The key is that we must learn from it and grow.
If we can’t help but lose our temper with our children, we need more than three ways of blaming ourselves, pleasing our children and covering up our mistakes, we need to calm down and reflect on ourselves.
Only by figuring out why we lose our temper can we fundamentally solve the problem, rather than blindly suppressing, enduring and transferring ourselves to internal injuries.
The reason why we lose our temper with children is on the surface all kinds of inappropriate behaviors of children, but the root cause is the three "feelings" deep in the heart of parents:
①The fear of fear that expectations cannot be achieved
②The shame of feeling that children are not excellent enough
③The guilt of feeling that they are not perfect enough.
Only by facing these three feelings correctly can we tame the emotional monster in our hearts.
1. Overcome the fear and face the expectations correctly
Send the child to school in the morning, and watch his slow movements and think, "I must be late today", so I can't help but feel angry;
tutor the child's homework at night, and see the wrong question he did, thinking, "Can I get into college?", and then, I can't help but feel anxious.
We are afraid of our fear of not achieving our expectations, and eventually turn into anger.
When you realize this, next time you want to lose your temper with your child, ask yourself, "Will losing your temper make things better or worse?"
If you don't want to be late, help your child accelerate. If you want to achieve good grades, help your child learn together. Losing your temper will only make your child slower and slower, and your grades will become worse and worse.
Face your expectations correctly and overcome fear will allow you to better manage your emotions.
2. Abandoning shame, the excellence of a child comes from accepting
"How come such a simple thing can't be done well!"
"Why do other children do not know how to do it?"
"How could I give birth to such a bad child!"
When you think this way, you will be unconsciously led to anger by your inner shame and can't help getting angry at your child.
Abandon your inner shame and do not turn your feelings of "shame and shameless" into behaviors that hurt your children.
You need to tell yourself "Every child is a unique individual. The way to make children excellent is not yelling and scolding, but unconditional acceptance.
3. To lose the guilt, what is more important than perfect is the real
" Always buy this and that, how much money do you have to spend enough! "
" How much time will I have to clean up my home if I make it so messy! "
Many times, when we do not have enough money, time and energy to meet the needs of our children, we will feel guilty in our subconscious, and feel that we are not capable enough and are not perfect enough, and we will eventually become angry.
Only by correctly handling our guilt can we have a peaceful mood.
We might as well lower the standards and relax our requirements for ourselves.
l5
You don’t need perfection, you just need realism, and try your best to meet the needs of your children within your ability, which is a good enough parent.
Can’t help but get angry with your child
Can do this
3 I once read a picture book "The Screaming Penguin Mom". In the book , a little penguin was frightened by the tantrum and screaming mother. Its head flew into the universe, its belly fell into the sea, its wings fell into the jungle, and its mouth was inserted into the mountains... The penguin Mom realized her mistake By mistake, I went up the mountain and went down the sea to find the little penguin's body and stitched it together, and said sorry to the little penguin. In fact, when parents lose their temper, every child is like the scared little penguin, and their hearts will be as fragmented as the body of the little penguin, and we need to repair it carefully. If you can't help getting angry with your child, doing so can effectively repair the parent-child relationship: 1. Frankly mistakes, saying "sorry" to the child
In the variety show " Where to Go, Dad, ", the irritable Chen Xiaochun always couldn't help getting angry when facing his procrastination son.
Fortunately, he quickly realized his mistake every time and apologized to his son immediately. And when he returned to the room and got along with his son alone, he specifically said "sorry" to his son.
When we can't help but lose our temper with our children, it is very necessary to say "sorry".
You don’t need to make up for the mistakes in other ways, just tell your child the reason for being angry. You can say this:
"Baby, you were too slow just now. I was afraid of being late, so I didn’t control my emotions well. Sorry!"
"Son, I was too tired today, so I was angry when I saw you messing up the room, but I shouldn’t be so angry."
Let the child understand the reason for you getting angry, and feeling your sincere apology is the most critical step in restoring the parent-child relationship.
2. Make up for the harm and tell the child "I love you"
see a small video online.
A little boy asked his mother in fear because her mother was angry: "Do you don't love me anymore?"
In the world where children are simple and young, they will think that mothers who are gentle to themselves love themselves, and a mother who is angry and angry must not like them.
The biggest harm parents lose their temper to their children is to make them self-doubt and feel that they are not loved.
Make up for the harm of the child and firmly say "I love you" to the child.
You need to let the child know that his behavior may be the fuse for our temper, but in the final analysis, we are not controlling our emotions well.
Don’t let your children pay for our mistakes, but let them feel the unconditional love of their parents.
3. Emotional education, say "thank you" to your child
When the child forgives you, don't forget to say "thank you" to your child.
We can review the tantrum incident with our children, express your expectations for your children, and find ways to resolve parent-child conflicts and conflicts with our children.
We can also hook up with our children and agree on how to express ourselves when we get angry. We should not lose our temper and hurt ourselves and others, but should express our mood and thoughts in appropriate ways.
Although losing your temper hurts the child, sometimes proper treatment can turn it into a vivid emotional education.
Of course, no matter what, the best way is to try to control your temper and manage your emotions well.
On the road of being a human being, perhaps we have walked more than 20 years earlier than our children, but on the road of being a parent, we are still as young and childish as our children.
Don't worry about what we have done before, it's important that we have been working hard to be better parents.
May every child be treated gentlely by his parents.
