In fact, violence is divided into two types: cold violence and hot violence.
One acts on the spirit and the other acts on the body.
Hot violence is the physical attack we are familiar with. It directly harms the body through physical means. This is not too much.
Cold violence can be described as mental attacks. Compared with hot violence, such violence is difficult to trace, hurting people invisibly, and medicine cannot be cured.
So what are the forms of cold violence? Generally divided into two types: speech and behavior.
For example, verbally, attack, belittle, accusation, deny, ridicule, etc.
For example, in behavior, alienation, indifference, abandonment, etc.
So, I'll ask you again now, have you used violence when your child makes mistakes?
I believe your answer is definitely inconsistent with the answer just now.
Of course, you may say next, the reason why I use this method is for the good of my children?
is so good, stop.
Let’s not discuss whether your idea is correct at first. Let’s restore the scenario where you use this educational method to educate your children.
Generally, when we use violence to educate our children, there is often a scene, which is often the time when the children make mistakes.
What is our first feeling when we learn or witness a child making a mistake?
Angry, body temperature rises, eyes become fierce, breathing becomes rapid, and the whole person becomes uncomfortable.
So, what is the first instruction given in our mind?
yelled at him, quarreled, scolded him, and even beat him.
What will happen to you if the other party doesn’t give you a chance and leaves directly?
I feel like a volcano that I want to erupt.
If the other party does not escape and the instructions in your mind are executed, what will you do?
You will feel that the previous discomfort seems to have been reduced, you will become calm, and even regret it, feeling that you should not be like this to your child.
This is the process of our violence against our children. This process is like a volcanic eruption. It does not involve too much love behind it, but an emotional catharsis.
OK, let’s talk about the question just now.
Some parents say that the reason I treat my children like that is because of love.
So I want to ask, where does your perception come from?
Why do many parents think that violence against their children is because of love? Many times it is because of heredity.
Because when parents were young, that is, when they were children, when they made mistakes, their parents told them this way after educating them.
I believe everyone has heard this saying, "Beating is a kiss, scolding is love", so we attribute the beating and scolding to the intimate way.
So, I would like to ask you, if you meet a stranger on the road and this person scolds you, would you think he is for your own good?
I believe you will never. If he can scold him too hard, you even want to punch him.
Therefore, the saying that beating is a relative and scolding is love is not an iron rule, but has its scope of application.
In fact? At first, this sentence was applicable to young couples and couples, and it was also a joke, but later it was extended by someone with a heart.
So when parents exert violence against their children, why do they always tell their children that their parents are doing it for your own good?
There is a term in psychology called rationalization, which means that when a person pursues a goal and cannot achieve it, he will find some reasons for himself to comfort himself in order to get psychological comfort.
says that these may be a bit complicated, and you may understand it with an example.
There was a fox before, passing by under a vine tree and seeing the grapes all over the trees was very attractive, so he jumped up and grabbed them.
However, because the grapes are too high, the little fox can't reach them. In the end, there is no way to give up. Before leaving, he said, "This grape must be sour." In fact, this is the allegory we know about saying that grapes are sour when we can’t eat them.
In real life, we often use reasons to comfort ourselves. For example, if the exam results are not very good, it is said that I didn’t work hard this time. Similar things are actually a form of rationalization.
has said so much, but in fact I just want to tell everyone that parents tell their children that parents beat you and scold you for your own good, and it is also a form of rationalization.
We can’t tell your children that parents beat you because they are unhappy, so they vent their anger on you.
I believe that if you say this, you will feel sorry for your child and your child will also hate you.
On the contrary, if you tell your child that your parents hit you, it is all for your own good. Your own guilt will disappear, and secondly, your child will not feel disgusted with you.
So under a balance, this sentence was passed down and was used by many parents when educating children, especially when they couldn't help but exert violence against their children.
Of course, after we understand the source of this sentence, we do not want to hurt our parents, but to help them grow.
I believe that if there is a choice, every parent is unwilling to exert violence against their children.
I have done a survey and asked parents why they exert violence against their children? Their answers were consistent and they couldn't help it.
In fact, there are two meanings behind it.
The first layer of meaning is not painful enough.
I still remember a news in Shenzhen in 2021. When a mother was tutoring her child for homework, she collapsed and pierced the child's eardrum with a slap, causing the child to be deaf. When facing the camera, the child's mother shed tears in pain and never dared to get angry with the child again.
Because it has caused harm to the children, this lesson is profound enough that parents will stop the wrong way of education.
So why do we repeatedly exert violence against our children? In essence, it is also because we have not learned enough lessons.
For children, we are all about them.
Children will have unconditional love for our parents.
When we exert violence against them, they will not think it is their parents’ problem, but because they are not good enough, parents are doing their best, so they will forgive their parents unconditionally.
We don’t hurt our children much, so the children forgive us. Under such premise, we will repeatedly and repeatedly exert violence against our children.
The second layer of meaning is, there is no way.
Many people are parents for the first time and are also facing the situation of their children for the first time, so they are inevitably at a loss, just like the first time we cook, but the oil is poured out.
When facing children's problems, many parents have blank brains. At this time, they are relying on instinct to educate their children.
does this instinct come from? It usually comes from one's own childhood experience.
They recalled how their parents dealt with their mistakes when they were children, so they learned their parents’ words and deeds to educate their children.
So, after becoming parents, many children become the parents they hate.
The first method of not educating children is, and the second is that many parents cannot handle their emotions.
Parents always think that they are emotionally out of control because of their children's problems. In fact, their children's problems are just a fuse. We cannot resolve the emotions we have accumulated, and we just use our children's affairs to vent.
It is certain that we must have had an unpleasant experience before we exert violence against our children.
may be quarreled by the boss, may be lost, or may someone messed with you.
You didn't have an attack at that time and were always using suppression to treat your emotions.
These emotions are like floods. If there is no timely discharge and drainage, when the flood exceeds the maximum value that the dam can bear, the risk of dam collapse will occur. The same is true for emotions.
Those emotions that cannot appear in the sun will not disappear out of thin air, but will hide in the shadows and will eventually appear in destructive ways that we cannot control.
Just as Yang Mengen once said, there are no natural good people, only civilized people who are restrained.
Same thing, isn’t it the same for being a qualified parent!
