Every parent injects their expectations for their children, but they also have concerns. Such expectations and worries make parents anxious. How to make their children strong enough to overcome the difficulties and setbacks they encounter now and in the future, even without the help of their parents and others, they can grow up happily and healthily and enjoy their lives. I believe this is the voice of every parent. Today, we will explain in detail to parents how we should help our children achieve such strength.
01 Self-confidence and self-esteem: Based on security and trust
The growth process of children aged 0-12 and 12-18 is crucial to their lives, because this stage is an important stage for the development of various aspects such as Self-esteem, security, trust, autonomy, initiative and other aspects.
htmlEnvironmental impact and upbringing before the age of 43 directly affect the formation of a person's personality . This stage is an important stage of psychological development such as self-esteem, basic sense of security, and basic sense of trust, and these are the basis for a person to develop self-confidence. The sense of security and basic trust are established through loops and satisfaction in attachment loop .
For infants, the safety base comes from the individual who forms an attachment relationship with the parent. The security base generally provides three aspects of content:
responds to the attachment’s attempt to seek closeness;
provides an adequate physical and emotional security base for the attachment;
attached object as an attachment to explore and understand the world and develop its own abilities and personality security guarantees. These three basics are also required for the startup target of the attachment system.
Children feel the needs and express them. After the needs are met, they will feel that others can see their needs and understand themselves. This will make them know that their needs are justified and that the outside world will respond to the sounds they make and the efforts they make. In this process, people will gradually develop trust in the outside world, and then they can believe that they are capable of dealing with the problems they encounter. There are many such things as , and gradually, people's trust in themselves will become more and more stable, which is self-confidence.
Confidence is not a chicken blood, not self-hypnosis, nor self-deception. Confidence means being able to trust yourself
. The premise of to develop confidently is to have good self-esteem . The ability to maintain self-esteem is The ability to maintain a good feeling of self , which means You can respect your own ability . Being able to respect yourself means recognizes that you are a complete person and a valuable person.Let's go back to the "attachment loop" mentioned above. We need to know that when a child is at 0-18 months old, this period is psychologically called pre-language period , which is the period before starting to speak. The characteristic of this period is that the prefrontal part of the brain, that is, the part responsible for rationality, sanity, and operations, has not yet begun to develop. The brain cannot yet integrate and understand what has been experienced during this period, and can only store it in the body as physical memory. Children in this period have no psychological resistance, and any external influence will directly affect their psychological core.
Children during this period, has a strong attachment to parents . Psychologists once conducted an experiment on an unfamiliar situation on an 18-month-old baby. His name is Mifei, and he entered a strange experimental environment with his mother. Soon she got used to the strange world, and he picked up the toys and played with them naturally and happily. And I played with my mother while playing with toys and had a lot of interactions.When a stranger joins, he will observe the stranger and his mother's reaction to the stranger. During this process, Mifei feels that his mother feels that the stranger is safe, so he starts playing with the stranger. After that, my mother left the room. The first time he would cry and showed sharing anxiety, but he tried to comfort himself with toys, and would accept strangers to comfort him, slowly calming his emotions, but he could observe that he was a little absent-minded while playing. When his mother came back again, the performance on his face immediately changed a lot. With a sincere happiness and laughter on his face, he would raise his hands to his mother and ask his mother to pick him up. After that, he became very quiet and his emotions stabilized quickly (1-3 seconds). When mom put him down and played with him, he would continue to have fun. This strange scenario experiment shows that under normal circumstances, the departure of parents or caregivers is the core reason for the occurrence of separation anxiety, so the reappearance of parents or caregivers is the antidote to this problem. But different children respond differently to this situation. mainly has the following four behaviors:
1. When he needs it, he will seek the attachment object he can rely on
2. Maintain body contact, if you want to be picked up
3. Avoid behavior. Some children will not show too much emotional fluctuation on the surface when their mother leaves. When their mother comes back, they may turn a blind eye to their mother
4. Resistance behavior. Some children are more intense and more difficult to soothe after their mothers come back and see each other again.
These behaviors reflect children's different attachment styles.
When many people are asked "What will happen when you feel very frustrated, worried or unhappy when you were a child?" Only a few people will say they will consult their parents or tell them the adults they trust. Many people will say that they will solve this problem by themselves. They might explain the reason as “because my parents have a lot of expectations for me, so I don’t want to tell them” or “my parents may be very busy, so I won’t make trouble for them”, etc. Children like look very sensible, but in reality, this is a manifestation of insecure attachment.
The second type of insecure attachment is that you dare not expect others to meet your needs. Many times, the reason why some people do not seek help or express their needs is because they do not believe in it or dare not believe that others will help them.
The third type of manifestation is to suppress one's own needs.
The fourth type of expression is that it is always difficult to coax, it is difficult to calm down and soothe one's emotions , and . People like this generally do not have a good mood.
Insecure attachment relationships will have many adverse effects, such as not daring to have expectations of others, fearing others' opinions or caring about others' opinions, fearing being abandoned, etc. If these problems exist, we need to review what impact the surrounding environment has had on you in 0-18 months.
Q: Everyone can think about it together,
| How did you express your needs when you were very young?
|How do parents and people around you respond to your needs?
| If you examine your growth according to the attachment cycle,
| How do you think this cycle worked at that time?
| If you encounter difficulties when you were a child, would you find it difficult to ask for help?
| Why is it difficult to ask for help?
| What are the results you are afraid of?
summary
If the child’s basic needs at the stage of 0-18 months are satisfied as much as possible and gain a sense of security, we will get the first psychological pot of gold , , form self-confidence and self-esteem, and believe that you can bring joy to others, others will like yourself, and a benign interaction between yourself and the outside world; On the contrary, if you do not grow up in a good attachment cycle and develop self-confidence, you may become arrogant or inferior.
is arrogant, means that no matter when you feel overly good, it is out of reality.
inferiority, just can't see clearly what you are like, and when you are stressed or frustrated, you will first feel that you are bad and your fault, and you will always blame yourself, thinking that things will be better only when you get better. But when people with self-esteem face stress, they can use various methods to adjust their feelings. For example, when they meet some people who say they are bad, they think they may be really not good enough in some aspects, but at the same time they are not a bad person.
02 Autonomy and initiative: Mental toughness basics
We will review that strange scenario experiment. When Mifei wants to take out the toy in the box, her mother cannot take the initiative to help him but can communicate with him; after he was rejected by his mother, although he was a little depressed, he can accept that "mother doesn't help me, I can find other methods", and she communicates with her mother. Even if her mother doesn't help him, it doesn't mean that her mother doesn't care about him, but that her mother is helping him in other ways. He will first play with other toys and adjust his emotions. When he feels strong again, he will think about the method his mother told him, try new ways to solve the problem of toys in the box, and feel sincerely happy after success. This is the budding of the observable ability to maintain self-esteem in children. and is a manifestation of the development of children's autonomy and initiative. Because he can adjust himself, after adjustment, he can spontaneously complete some things and achieve his goals through self-drive.
Many people will actually be invaded by various emotions, which will prevent people from solving problems and even trigger personal attacks. The baby Mifei in the experiment has the ability to deal with emotions. He can accept his bad state (I feel frustrated if I can't get the toy; my mother can't help her), and then adjust her emotions through her own methods (play with other toys) . Many adults may not be able to do this. Many people may find ways to regulate their emotions when facing stress, but often this method is to avoid and escape the problem rather than solve it. The difference lies in the result of emotional regulation, whether the mood has improved, and whether it helps you turn your attention back to the problem. For example, if you play games for one hour, you will feel a little more limited. At this time, you can turn off the game and re-invest the problem to be solved. This is self-regulation; but if you just start playing games, you keep playing for a whole day, and you will suddenly realize that you have done nothing when you go to bed, and the problem that needs to be solved is still not solved, which will create a more frustrating and sad feeling, which is avoidance and escape.
After adjusting emotions, you can drive yourself to find a way to solve the problem. This is what we call autonomy and initiative.
The development of autonomy and self-intensity affect each other. Self-intensity refers to the ability to balance internal needs and external pressure , including , does have the ability to entertain yourself , has the ability to take care of yourself , has the ability to maintain work and rest , has the ability to maintain self-esteem , etc. For example, if you are already very tired and want to rest, but external information tells you that this task is very important. How to adjust the contradiction between the two is called self-strength.
and initiative refers to the ability to balance thinking and action . People with insufficient self-confidence often feel that they are unable to act, including procrastination, etc. Therefore, the solution to procrastination is not to force yourself to do things, but to solve the problem of agency and autonomy .
Finally, autonomy and agency will also affect the next stage - the development of psychological resilience (strong heart).
03 Psychological toughness and reversal quotient: a must-have weapon for a strong heart
7-12 years old is the middle and late stages of children's development, and it is the development process of perseverance, psychological flexibility, and reversal quotient .
I would like to mention here that the development of people needs to be progressive step by step. A person can develop self-control and self-cognition needs to develop based on the order of previous stages. Premature and too harsh education may have a great impact on the children's subsequent development. For example, a child learns 100 Chinese characters in a year before he is 5 years old, which may make him one step ahead of his peers; but in fact, if the child lays a good psychological foundation, 100 Chinese characters may be able to learn in one or two weeks.
What children need to develop after entering primary school is perseverance, psychological flexibility, self-control and self-cognition. has the following items that children need to develop their own abilities:
Begin to develop good habits
Begin to have the ability to choose their own habits
Develop the habits they want to have
Generally speaking, people will find their own hobbies in elementary school, and in the process of practicing, begins to balance the relationship between their excitement points and setbacks in the process of pursuing hobbies , so that they will not simply force themselves to do things they don’t like, nor will they have to give up what they love because they cannot persist.
"One minute on stage, ten years of hard work off stage." 's basic patience and courage must be cultivated from primary school. This determines a person's reverse quotient , or perseverance , psychological flexibility . A strong person with psychological toughness is a strong person with inner strength . It mainly refers to the ability to withstand adversity in . It is a mental state that determines the durability of your attitude in this state.It contains the following:
- Reaction to stress: crash or persist? Give up or persevere?
- Reactions in the face of emotions: What do you do when you are depressed? How to deal with anger and disappointment when you feel injustice?
- adaptability: When life problems occur, should we dust off the dust and return to the right track or blame others because of difficulties?
- Tough: encountered obstacles when achieving his goal. Should he continue moving forward or take the initiative to admit defeat?
6 has strong mental toughness and strong heart. There are ten benefits:
01 has stronger resistance to negative emotions;
02 responds to setbacks more elegantly and confidently and performs better;
03 can better adapt to various difficult situations;
04 has stronger ability to manage stress;
05 prevents performance from being affected by self-doubt;
06 is more clear about the intention and goal, even on some things that seem to be slim in hopes;
07 fearlessly, giving the courage to get out of your comfort zone and try new things;
08 accepts failure and learns lessons from failure;
Don't regard failure as a judgment of personality and value , it is just one of the potential results that will appear after a hard work. This is even more an opportunity, an opportunity to help you correct problems and improve your future performance. If fails to hold this view, it will not have any impact on you.
09 enhances the ability to delay pleasure;
will no longer be dominated by impulse, resist the temptations around you, and devote energy and attention to things that will get greater rewards in the future.
10 The ability to let the past follow the wind.
develops psychological resilience and it is easy to forget the things that have brought emotional pain to you in the past.
Starting from elementary school, our children have to experience many setbacks, big and small, so that they can slowly develop counter-quotient step by step. But how to cultivate it in daily life? Do you need to deliberately create some life blows? Not so.
When children were young, many people would care about one thing called "can sit" . If you can sit still when you were a child and concentrate on your homework, then when you grow up, you may be calm, calm enough, and patient when facing things.
cultivate children's versus-quotient and make children "sitting". Pay attention to the following aspects:
1. Pay attention to the surrounding environment
|If the child's family environment can do their own things quietly after the family activities are over, then the child has been subtly accustomed to reading and studying quietly and immersively since he was a child.
2. To adapt to the development of age,
| Primary school students in grades 1 and 2 may have a relatively high-quality concentration and study time of only 20 minutes, but if they are forced to sit for 2 hours, 1 hour and 40 minutes will be dispersed. For children at this stage, if they have 20-30 minutes to concentrate on doing something, they will already do a good job. As children grow up, their concentration will gradually extend. For example, when you are about 10 years old, you will have 40-45 minutes of sitting. After 40 minutes, you can let him rest and play and continue to study after a while.3. To balance your emotions
| When you have to face a repetitive or unpleasant process, children can imitate and learn and turn some methods into their own.Children may see how heroes or their idols overcome difficulties and develop skills from cartoons and children's books, and thus they are encouraged and influenced by . For example, when a child is going to perform on stage, he needs to go through a period of repeated boring practice, which may make people feel annoyed. , but if a child can do psychological construction for himself, imagine this matter as a difficult situation, break through, challenge himself, overcome this difficulty, and then he can become a stronger person.Regarding emotions, we need to reach a consensus: Emotions cannot be controlled and can only be regulated and managed in a healthy way. Any denial, evasion, suppression or outbreak is a means of control and is not advisable.
In the book "Elephant and Elephant Rider" written by psychologist Jonathan Hatter , it is pointed out that elephants refer to the emotional side of our human beings, responsible for controlling our human feelings - love, sympathy and many other emotions. Elephant riders refer to our rational side, responsible for judging, analyzing immediate experiences and thinking about the future. The elephant is very powerful. If the "elephant rider" forcibly control the "elephant", it will exhaust the vitality of the "elephant rider" and accelerate decadence. In other words, if we "control" our emotions, we are consuming willpower and may only last for three minutes of heat."The elephant rider cannot order the elephant against the will of the elephant itself." - "Elephant and the elephant rider"
Of course, elephants cannot control the "elephant rider". So how can "elephant rider" and "elephant" live in peace with ? There are several suggestions as follows:
1. Enhance self-awareness.
| Let children like themselves, and families should give their children a sense of identity. Parents must first learn to manage their emotions. . will not let negative emotions affect their families and children, and create a safe, warm and peaceful psychological situation. Children in such an environment can develop positive self-identity and gain a sense of security. And should gradually let children establish and be clear about the correct values and beliefs they have, distinguish right from wrong, reject what they think is bad, accept what is beneficial to them, and learn to say "no" when their rights are violated and they need to take action to safeguard them. Here are several ways to help children establish correct values.- First, parents should first act on their own principles and set a good example;
- Second, cultivate children to develop good habits;
- Third, communicate and interact with children more, watch TV, listen to music, watch news, etc. with children, discuss together, learn to care and respect others, learn to find the good side of things, and at the same time cultivate correct values through more communication methods;
- Fourth, encourage children to read more positive energy, college books or cartoons, which will have a subtle influence on children;
- Five, don’t be afraid of making mistakes. Guide children to correctly recognize mistakes or failures, get inspiration, gain gains, and grow.
2. Accept emotions and agree with emotions.
| Pleasure, anger, sadness, disgust, surprise, fear, are the basic emotions of children . Compassion, jealousy, embarrassment, pride, shame, and guilt belong to the child's self-awareness and emotions. Children who are one and a half years old mostly express basic emotions. It is a self-release, a means to adapt to the environment and achieve goals. For children between the ages of one and a half years old, self-awareness and emotions begin to appear, and children begin to have a certain ability to manage basic emotions. After two and a half years old, the child slowly learns to control basic emotions and begins to learn to manage the part of self-aware emotions.|We must first understand how emotions come about, emotions are the external world first, and then we naturally have a response to the environment to adapt to survival , such as happiness, excitement or anger. Whether it is positive or negative emotions, it is a very normal and natural phenomenon. Everyone is like this, and even animals will do this, especially negative emotions. There is nothing wrong with it, let alone shame. let children recognize these emotions , these feelings, agrees with the rationality of their existence . Similarly, when facing their children's emotions, parents must accept and agree with them.
3. Aware of emotions and examine emotions.
| When negative emotions appear, we can take a closer look. You can ask your child or other people's "elephants" with your children through games such as making up stories, role-playing or discussing the feelings of the characters in the story, causing and consequences, etc., so that the child can experience his or her emotions or feel other people's emotions, and know his or her needs. For example, "Elephant, you are very angry or sad now, why?" / "I understand how you feel now, because...", "Elephant, what will you get when you are in such emotions now? What will you lose? What will you lose? What will you have?" "If you want to avoid such consequences, elephant, you can do this..."
| In fact, this is also understands itself better through empathy. is a necessary skill to establish willpower. If you can put yourself in your shoes and feel other people's emotions, understand other people's thoughts and feelings at that time, have unique insights into the adversity others experience, and when you encounter problems, you can solve them yourself. The stronger your empathy for others, the more you can make informed assumptions about their situation, the better you can understand yourself, and frankly examine your emotions when facing complexity and pain. For example, you can discuss the following questions with your child:"How do I feel in similar situations?"
"How should I deal with these emotions?"
"In this case, are these emotions reasonable?"
"What kind of person do I want to be in this case?"
4. Express emotions and deal with emotions.
| After accepting and acknowledging the emotions of children, let the children learn to express their emotions correctly. For example, "XX things make me very sad because XXXX, I hope you can XXXX in the future." Parents should listen carefully, speak less, ask less questions, and let the children slowly express their feelings. After talking about your feelings, can encourage children to propose ways to avoid this situation from happening again , such as . "You just robbed my toy and I feel very uncomfortable. This is my favorite toy. I hope that when you want to play in the future, please tell me first. " This guides children to express their feelings, focus on themselves , , not others "You took my stuff, you made me feel very uncomfortable" and so on. Even if we have finished expressing it, others may not change it, but that is the problem of others. We just need to express our feelings truthfully.At the same time, guides children to master some appropriate methods of catharsis, mainly four categories:
Catholic method: uses some minimally destructive methods that do not affect others to vent emotions, such as playing sofa pillows (use with caution for children who love to beat people), tearing paper, etc.;
html l4 Conversation method: Find someone to chat, write a diary to record your mood, and draw at will;
Calming method: Count your breath;
Transfer method: See the scenery, listen to music, exercise, do your hobbies, etc.
5. Learn to face life optimistically.
| should guide children to learn to maintain optimistic positive emotions and attitude towards life , so that they can stimulate the potential of the human body, maintain vigorous potential, and maintain physical and mental health. First of all, parents should have an optimistic attitude; and communicate more with their children, cultivate self-confidence, and give them encouragement and support frequently; more importantly, they should help their children become enterprising, find ways to solve some current problems with their children, and then let their children decide and operate on their own.
6. Learn to establish boundaries.
| boundary is an important part of human development. Children not only need to understand and set physical boundaries, but also need to set psychological boundaries. The significance of setting psychological boundaries in is that everyone knows clearly the responsibilities and scope of power of themselves and others, and protects their personal space from infringement, and does not infringe on others' personal psychological space. In layman's terms, it is necessary to clarify " What is mine and what is not mine" , "I should be responsible for what I should not be responsible for what I should be" , and "Leave the beneficial in my yard, block the harmful out of the fence, and protect me from harm. "
Children need to be able to react to the bad behaviors they encounter and be able to judge whether they are respected. Let them know what their comfort zone is, so that they can know what they don’t want. Helping children set their own boundaries is actually to help them create a boundary for themselves that allows others to treat themselves. In this boundary, children can choose independently who to be comfortable with, what words they are willing to hear or what kind of treatment they are treated. You can also choose what kind of or how much information you want to share to the outside world. When they interact with us and others, they will feel comfortable and uncomfortable, and these signals, is the beginning of where we can help them set their boundaries. 04 Psychological boundaries: The ability to permanently protect
Three-year-old children should have established obvious psychological boundaries, and they should be able to master it - 1. Establish intimate emotional connections with others, but do not lose themselves or lose their freedom because of separation;
2. Say the right "no" to others without worrying about losing the other person's love;
3. Accept other people's rejection and do not neglect the other person because of this.
Children's and adolescence are two critical periods for the establishment of psychological boundaries. The earlier the psychological boundaries of children are established, the less chaos will be in the future. When entering adolescence and entering adulthood, children will also go through a process of establishing boundaries. The successful establishment of psychological boundaries between the ages of 0 and 3 means that the transition between the next two periods will be smoother (of course not smooth sailing). So how can we help children establish boundaries? 01 Parents' love and respect 02 Parents should give their children the right to choose 03 Parents should learn to accept their children's "no" 04 respect children and guide children to clarify the "personal boundaries" Jillian Roberts Dr. has developed a boundary concentric ring concept to explain psychological boundaries and adapt to children and adults. Family Ring Family Ring represents the bond between people who love each other, and they will always protect, respect and care for each other. Everyone's situation is different, and the child can decide who is in this ring, parents, siblings, large family or adoptive family, etc. The person in the ring of is the person closest to him. Family Ring should explain to children the personal space of family members, as well as their own personal boundaries, and we must respect each other's privacy and boundaries.
Green ring is a Friend ring because except for family members, friends and children spend the most time together. Friendship teaches children how to cooperate and revel. It develops children's conversational abilities. Naturally, when children get along well, they will love to hug. In this ring, we must explain to the children "mutual agreement". Everyone will have different behaviors. When is with friends, if the other person's words and deeds make the child feel uncomfortable and feel uncomfortable, teach the child to clearly express his disagreement. Children should learn to define friendship with different standards. The following questions in can help children better understand their friends and judge whether the friendship they have established with .
- Do they still respect you when you say no?
- Have they considered your opinions and feelings?
- Will they share some of your values (judgment and evaluation on certain things)?
- Do you feel comfortable when you are with them?
- What do you have in common?
- Are they honest? Do you think you can trust them?
- Do you think your friends will support you when you are in the most difficult times? Or why don't you support it?
- Do you know them? Where are their families? Where do they live?
From the innermost self-ring to the outermost stranger Internet ring, the boundaries of children should become more clear as they expand. But parents must first understand their boundaries , because children will use it as their own model so that they can define their boundaries.
From the perspective of the boundary concept of concentric rings, the concept of "agree or allow" is a very important concept for people of all ages (boys or girls). We should all understand what "agree" means: both boys and girls need to respect anyone's choice or reject any treatment.
Parents can do the following exercises with their children to help them establish and clarify their boundaries
05
Let the children try, clarify the responsibilities of family members, and cultivate the independence and responsibility of children. Feeling
- Let children do what they can, cultivate their sense of responsibility, and clarify the responsibilities that children should bear in the family. This is the process of children learning independent abilities, and it is also a necessary stage for cultivating their sense of responsibility and sense of responsibility. Don’t always worry or blame your children for not doing well. This is a process that requires parents to be more patient and trust.
06
Help children understand the "boundary of others"
When children are young, parents should cultivate their children's empathy and let their children learn to understand and respect others, and do not infringe on or peek at other people's privacy at will. For example, don't always be too enthusiastic, interfere too much in other people's affairs, enter other people's space without permission, don't always deny other people's ideas, impose your own ideas on others, etc. While teaching children to learn to say " but not ", lets children understand that others also have the right to say " not ".
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Beijing Qingai Education Technology Co., Ltd.
Producer: Li Qisheng Liu Rongfei
Editor: Wang Hairan
Proofreading: Chen Heyi
Proofreading: Rong Yunbing
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