Hello everyone, I am Cuckoo Mom~
Neighbor Mom comes to visit her and talks a lot. She unconsciously talks about her mother-in-law from the child. She said that she had just had a little awkward relationship with her mother-in-law, and then she brought her baby out and calm down and would go back again.
Mother-in-law is capable, and the family affairs are arranged in an orderly manner. When I go to her house to play, the house will always be clean, bright and spotless. Every time I go, I'm afraid I'll get dirty.
is not good if it is too capable. Mom smiled and sighed to me, then told me what happened between her and her mother-in-law.
Mothers are during breastfeeding. The child has not added complementary food yet, and all the food rations come from the mother. Her food rations are arranged by her mother-in-law throughout the process.
In fact, she can accept most of the food, and she should avoid eating too. However, some things she doesn't like to eat are really hard to eat.
For example, pork liver, she couldn't swallow it when she saw this dish. But the mother-in-law thinks that eating pork liver is good for the eyes and the child's vision is developing. The mother must eat more for the child.
When the meal started, my mother-in-law put a bowl of pork liver in front of her and kept urging her to eat something. I made it very delicious, not fishy, I don’t believe you can try it.
While helping her pick it up, my mother-in-law said, "What mother eats to make up for the child." Nowadays, children have vision problems at any time, so eating some pig liver is good for the child." And I heard from the doctor that pig liver replenishes iron, infants and young children need iron supplements the most. If you don’t eat it, the child will be unnutritional.
Mother actually knows that mother-in-law has good intentions and is for the sake of her own children. But she just felt wronged, and she couldn't help it this time, so she started arguing with her mother-in-law.
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is always subtle. No matter how well you get along, there will inevitably be some barriers and contradictions.
But I heard from friends who must live abroad that in many developed countries, there are actually few conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Most of the elderly and juniors in their families get along well and there will be no too much tension.
I have watched some sharings by bloggers who settled abroad, and have also watched many foreign movies and TV series, and found that this is indeed the case. , especially in developed countries, seems to be rarely troubled by the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
What's going on?
1: There are three reasons
Why are there few conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law abroad? The first reason is that it is difficult for us to achieve.
① The child does not interfere after he gets married
In foreign countries, many families do not have to wait for their children to get married, and even if they can get married after they are 18 years old, their parents don’t care.
When the child gets married, parents may help, but like us, parents will not spend all their life savings to buy a house, a car, or a wedding banquet for them. What kind of life children live depends on their own struggle, rather than their parents' full support.
Especially after the child gets married, everyone and the small family are very clear. When a child returns to his parents' home, or when his parents go to his children's home, it is more like a "guest", calling the other party's home "your home" rather than "my home".
has such a boundary that parents and children will be more sensible and will not interfere too much in each other's life. Even if the child has conflicts with his partner, parents will persuade him instead of taking things into consideration, and insisting on distinguishing between right and wrong or favoring one party.
has a sense of boundary and distance, which is difficult for us to do just this.
②It is easier to accept separation
. In foreign countries, they are not only more likely to accept separation in children's distance, but also psychological separation.
When children grow up, they return to their own lives and no longer confuse their own world with their children's world.
But sometimes, if we pour too much emotion into our children, it is difficult to accept the fact that they leave us when they grow up. So, no matter how old the child grows up, we will treat him as "mine" child, rather than as an independent individual.
The popular words "mama's boy" and "brother-supporting demon" on the Internet are actually manifestations of the inseparability of parents and children. Even if the son gets married and has children, he is just a baby; even if the daughter gets married, she must be responsible for her younger brother and sister.
Two people are together, not like the fusion of two hearts, but more like the fusion of two family relationships. Not only parents and elders, but even aunts and aunts can be involved, and various family relationships are complicated and complicated.
Sometimes the relationship between husband and wife is obviously very good and get along happily, but it is because of some other people that they have a bad relationship. In the end, the two have a grudge and complain about each other.
③Mother-in-law doesn’t have to take care of her children
In our concept, if the son and daughter-in-law go to work to support the family, then taking care of the children will naturally become the mother-in-law’s business.
People of the same era have different ideas about how to raise children, not to mention that there are mother-in-law and daughter-in-law who have been in trouble in the decades. How can there be no conflict?
The daughter-in-law thinks that this can be eaten, and the mother-in-law thinks that eating will make you angry; the daughter-in-law thinks that the child should wear less, and the mother-in-law thinks that wearing too little will make you sick; the daughter-in-law thinks that the child should cultivate his independence from an early age, and the mother-in-law thinks that such a young child knows what.
There are many trivial matters like this, and the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will inevitably have some complaints and conflicts.
But in many foreign families, mother-in-law has no obligation to help take care of the children. After the child gets married, you will take care of your own children. How many children are born and how to take care of them is up to you, and it is not your mother-in-law's business.
I read the book "Child, Take Your Slowly", and the author talked about her different ways of getting along with her German mother-in-law.
She took the baby to her mother-in-law's house, and the mother-in-law helped her take care of the baby. However, different views are expressed on the details of life such as children wearing more clothes and sleeping on their backs.
The author thought that she would be asked to do what her mother-in-law wanted.
Unexpectedly, my mother-in-law told her that I only provide you with experiences from people who have experienced it. As for how to make the decision in the end, it depends entirely on you, a mother.
Don’t take care of the baby, nor do you get involved in how your son and daughter-in-law take care of the baby. Naturally, the mother-in-law will not have conflicts or conflicts with the daughter-in-law because of parenting.
Of course, it doesn’t mean that the elderly here are not good. On the contrary, they lived their whole lives, working hard for their children. After finally getting older, the child has to take on the important task of raising a grandson.
Our parents are both the ones who worry the most and are the most tiring. However, due to generations being together, there are many things involved and their own thoughts and emotions, the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has been led to.
2: How to crack it?
Bert Hellinger "The Preface to Love" says that a happy family is mostly in the first place in the relationship between husband and wife, children are second in the second place and parents are third.
If a family has a disorderly order, conflicts and problems are likely to arise.
For example, if a husband ranks his parents, brothers and sisters in front of his wife. The wife would feel that this is not her home, she is just an outsider and is excluded. It is difficult to be harmonious with family relationships like
.
Moreover, an alienated wife is prone to put too much energy on her children and sacrifice herself too much to make her spiritual support.
Especially when her son grew up, she still habitually held the child tightly and could not accept him to integrate into another family.
This leads to the son sorting her in front of his wife, forming a cycle of generation after generation.
If we can follow the order of love in our family, then everyone can get along well.
For example, if you have a child at home, you need the elderly to come and help take care of the child. And two generations from two families will naturally have conflicts between living habits and parenting.
What should I do at this time?
According to the principle of family system arrangement , when there is a conflict between the original family and the new family, the person affiliated with the original family is the best candidate to solve the problem.
For example, if the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflicts, then the husband should understand each other's needs and feelings, and then find a way to solve the problem. Instead of turning a blind eye to the husband, letting the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, who already had conflicts, face each other in a tit-for-tat way.
For example, if the mother-in-law and son-in-law have conflicts, then the daughter has to come forward to communicate.
If we can understand the order in family relationships and understand the order in family. Then, not only can the husband and wife have a harmonious relationship, but parents and children can also reap happiness in their respective positions.
[Pictures come from the Internet, invade and delete]
Author profile: Cuckoo's mother, a mother who is good at observing, thinking and has a way. Focus on children's psychology , understand the easy raising of children, follow them if you like it~
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