We always hope that children will be more obedient and well-behaved, and hope that children will do things according to our adult needs.
We hope that the child will not make a big fuss and be quieter.
We hope that children will not yell and cry in anger when we reject certain requests from them, and will immediately shut up and be obedient.
We hope that the children can go to bed and close their eyes to sleep as soon as nine o'clock, and hope that the children can organize their own room and sit quietly to eat the food in the bowl.
We hope that the children will not overturn the water cups and porcelain bowls, and do not pour the soup or drinks in the bowls back and forth during the meal.
We hope that the children will not jump in the puddle in new shoes and walk around barefoot...
We hope that our children are not children!
But the child is a child. When he plays in the bathtub and is unwilling to get up, when he grabs the flour everywhere, when he jumps loudly for a little discovery, when he is jumping around in the puddle in new shoes, and when he is jumping around in the water puddle, and brings toys everywhere, he is playing his role as a child!
Think about it, if your child is like a little adult, dresses neatly and behaves well every day, and obeys all your arrangements, people may look at the child with appreciation in the first few minutes, but over time, wouldn’t you panic because of his unnatural state? !
There is no doubt that children's needs always conflict with adults. The arrival of children will disrupt our life rhythm and make our weekends and holidays less casual. This conflict and change makes our relationship with children complicated.
What should I do if my child’s needs conflict with my parents’ needs? Obviously, confrontation is not the only option.
In the long run, cooperation is the more effective way. Cooperation requires both parties to express their true needs, and both parties need to respect each other, recognize each other's needs and affirm their own needs.
If we do not consider the misalignment between parents and children's needs, the competition between parents and children is likely to escalate to an unparalleled level. In a contest, some wins and some fails. But to be honest, in the field of parent-child relationships, this kind of competition will only lead to the consequences of losing both sides. How can a person feel the appreciation of himself from the bottom of his heart by the person who denies his needs?
Can't we put our needs aside at some time and meet the cute needs of that fragile little person? Although this is a bit difficult to do. Many parents are exhausted and even mind-bending by their children.
"I have said it many times. You can't step on the water in the puddle. If you wet your shoes and pants, you will get sick!" Is this really true? Can't we prepare a pair of small rain boots and raincoats for the child to let him or prepare a set of changing shoes and clothes for preparation! When it's hot, I even take off my shoes and play with the children! What's the matter with barefoot stomping on the nectar of nature in the hot weather?
"The bath water is almost cold, get up quickly." But the child is still having fun! Can't we add some hot water and turn on the bathroom bathroom heater for him to play for a while. When he plays, don't you have more free time?
Believe in the children. Although they are fragile, they won’t get seriously ill just because they play for a while! We can think of several ways to achieve our needs. When facing our children’s needs, can’t we also think of ways for them to think of?
But this does not mean that parents should sacrifice their needs to do their best to meet their children's needs, which is not advisable.
If we do not agree with our needs and are disappointed with our own growth process, then we may not be able to give our children what they need smoothly.
Therefore, the responsibility of parents is to understand and recognize their needs and find ways to meet their needs as much as possible.
When a child is still young, we naturally have to put his needs first, but when the child grows up, we have to discuss it with him! It is best to let the child know that at least his needs and parents' needs exist at the same time.
If you are taking your child to the doctor you have made an appointment to see teeth or get vaccinated, and the child is just hindering this rhythm because of playing with water, please tell him what you are going to do next, take him away, and educate him about the absence of the appointment.
Compared to "Shut up, you can't stand it!", "I want to eat quietly. What can you do to let me enjoy my dinner time?" This statement will be more effective.
Don’t the child want to sleep? No matter what, let him know that now is the time for his parents to spend together and you can no longer be with him. Threat, spoiling or punishing are useless, you just need to try your best to maintain your own needs.
People’s energy is limited. We need to make good corrections after running around and regain the power of life. Only in this way can we have the energy to distribute the responsibilities our parents should do equally with our family, and not sow the seeds of resentment that we do not even realize. Only when your partner is unable to perform his duties (such as when his partner is on a business trip), can he admit his inner frustration and anger.
If we do not realize our emotions, then the most likely action we are to transfer this emotion to the child, so that the child will bear the pressure that has nothing to do with him.
Pay attention to one's inner needs is not a selfish behavior, but an act of trying to respond appropriately after examining the overall situation. In short, focusing on your inner needs can enable everyone to get what they need.
However, many people cannot detect the needs of their children because of their childhood experiences. When facing this, we should ask ourselves a question: Do I really want to compete with our children?
A good example. Psychological research shows that if an adult raising a baby cannot extricate himself from the pain of his childhood and cannot respond to the baby's needs, the baby will be in extreme panic. In order to survive, to be accepted, and to win love for themselves, babies can willingly surrender to their raising people in a very short time. He learned to cry even if no one was in charge, and even speeded up when he observed the speed of his drinking milk that worried his mother. He suppressed his needs and emotions, became very "behaved", making his parents proud of himself.
However, while doing so, he concealed his emotions and came to conclusions that he could not believe others, and would preconceive that the outside world was full of hostility. This is very unfavorable for the growth of children.
On the contrary, if parents pay attention to their real needs, the relationship between husband and wife and family, and the wounds in the past can also heal, they can recognize and meet their children's needs.
has no universal answer. No expert can come up with such an answer. Every child is a unique individual. As the child grows up, their needs will continue to change. There is no systematic method that allows us to continue to use.
To live happily with children, we must tolerate children's indulgence within a range that we can bear and learn to be more tolerant.
We must remember that children rely on us and we are their solid backers. We must heal the pain we have, so that our children can grow up at their own unique rhythm. And we will have a comfortable and pleasant life.
When the child is "too obedient" or is too disobedient, and we are overprotective or furious about the child and cannot respond to the child's needs, we can ask ourselves this question: Does my needs conflict with the child's needs?
