"Others don't like themselves and feel very distressed. What should I do?"
We have been taught by our parents since we were young to be good children, and obedient children have candy to eat. Many people should have been scared by their parents, "If you don't..., your parents won't like you/I won't take you to play/I don't want you anymore." I feel sorry for parents in the world, who would be willing to really throw away their children?
The original intention of parents is to hope that their children can develop good living habits, have excellent grades, be polite, and understand these starting points. What I want to say is whether you, who were once or still children, have you also experienced that kind of parents may withdraw their care at any time, thus feeling a sense of limitation? The name of this sense of limitation is called conditional positive attention. It means that only after we do something that meets the expectations of others can we get the appreciation, care and care of the other party.
When children begin to love reading, have good grades, get along with classmates, respect elders, and cannot talk back or even refute them, they will slowly start to throw away the things parents think are bad - they don't like reading, have bad grades, and are not liked by others... Do you think there seems to be nothing wrong but there seems to be something wrong? Yes, children gradually become only able to accept the good part of themselves, and when they start to dislike and discard those bad things, some standards begin to emerge.
is good to be liked by others. It can be cared for by parents, but it is bad to not be liked by others. It needs to be discarded. If I am not liked by others, then I am bad. I need to change to others like me before I can regain care. Look, are troubles arising?
People who are prone to anxiety often carry various shackles. One shackle is called "I have to make everyone like me, otherwise...", and another shackle is called "I should be a good kid and study hard, otherwise..." These shackles have a very standard form, such as "If... then..." or "I should... not..." People who are prone to anxiety are often trapped in various standards that we have the conditions to pay attention to, and these standards are the source of their anxiety.
They do not allow themselves to be liked by others, do not allow themselves to be a sensible and good child, do not allow themselves... Behind these disagreements is because if their behavior is lower than that standard line, they will not receive care. However, in life, when we are not popular or fail in learning, those without so-called rules and regulations can look at their current embarrassing situation more friendly and objectively.
People who are bound by standards are likely to develop the belief that "I am not good enough" when encountering these things that are no longer ordinary, which will make them prone to depression. For this reason, they thought "I have to get better", but they didn't know why they were doing well, but they were still unpopular. It seemed that there was a bug in the computer, but this bug seemed to be very reasonable, so they began to worry.
People who feel anxious because they are not liked will choose to change themselves or show that they are liked by others. It is a very painful process to change one's nature due to pressure. In order to get the fish's liking, the fish is flirting with the bird. This little bird can no longer be the real self. Does it still like itself?
There is a universal connection between things, and the rules and regulations that exist for depressed and anxious people also have hidden the path to the road to happiness.
1. Find all kinds of standards in your heart.
2. Try to discard some standards: Think about whether your standards are reasonable? When we find ourselves having unreasonable standards like everyone who has to like me and I have to keep in good condition all the time, throw them away all the time!
3. Take off the mask, as it is: The book "Emotional Self-Help" says that the higher the consistency between the inner true self and the self-expressed self, the more happiness we can feel.
Under external pressure to please others and change ourselves are the process of keeping us away from the true self step by step. When you feel wronged and want to cry, you choose to hold back your tears due to the opinions of others; when you don’t want to talk to others, another voice says that you want to have a good relationship with everyone and have to socialize, these are the masks you bring to ignore your own feelings and stay away from the true self.
Many depression and anxiety that you feel in daily life are caused by our inability to allow some bad self to be presented to others. admitting that the existence of me does not necessarily make your anxiety disappear immediately. It is more about allowing you to express your current feelings as you do and alleviate the stress brought to you by anxiety.
Mindfulness is a good method that can be used to regulate one's emotions and feel the existence of the true self. Take the "breath observation method" as an example. When we observe breathing, we are connected to the true self.
We will experience different joys, anger, sorrow, and joy and different breathing feelings. When we feel breathing, it is also a process of establishing connection with the real feelings of the body. This process will magically awaken us.
Everyone has the need to develop their own potential. Just like when we were young, our dream was to be scientists, astronauts and teachers. If nothing hinders our development, we will eventually move towards our dreams. The same is true for flowers and plants. Lush flowers can grow in the cracks of the walls. Even if a stone presses on it, the flowers are realizing their own value in a curved way.
Let that true self be seen and treated friendly by you. We will eventually be like flowers in the cracks of the wall, even if we survive in harsh environments, we can be full of energy and bloom and bear fruit.
Finally, it is recommended to give friends who are in depression and anxiety two books, "Emotional Self-Rescue" and "Prevent Depression". I believe that the methods and strategies in the book will help you.
